sci-fi

a rhinoceros, a giraffe, and a bear are sitting around a giant cactus discussing their breakfast plans. a spaceship flies by with great speed and lands in the fields. the aliens come out. the rhinoceros, the giraffe, and the bear put on camouflage, and sneak to the fields to spy on the spaceship. the war begins.

i feel every sci-fi show my husband watches is just like this.

rickshaw

chinese looking dude is our rickshaw driver. he says he is from kazakhstan, now residing in brooklyn. he will park his vehicle in manhattan before he goes home. he is still working. he does not get that many passengers, he is not spoiled, he wants to impress us. we are way too drunk in order to truly appreciate his efforts. i need to start watching my drinking, it seems. but the air breeze is nice. happily giggly feeling is nice. riding this human-operated transportation in the middle of manhattan late at night is nice. laughing and waving to city tourists is nice. summer is nice. having a friend who is as drunk, smart, witty, and clever as you are is very nice.

rules for crazy mothers

i hear a sound of a mosquito. i know there are must be few of them in our bedroom. i can’t turn the lights on and look for them because there is a baby asleep in our room. the baby is wearing a pajama, but the face is open and vulnerable. the thought of a mosquito biting my sleeping baby is unbearable. i remove my cover sheet. i lay there close to naked thinking there is a larger unprotected square footage on my body than on my baby’s body, therefore a higher chance of a mosquito landing on me. my husband tells me i am insane, and sprays himself with a bug spray.

here is a top 10 rules any crazy woman should establish upon having a child come to an existence:

10. everyone arriving to your house must wear slippers (provided by you), and wash their hands upon entering your living headquarters

9. everyone must sanitize their hands with one of strategically placed variety of hand sanitizers before touching or picking up your baby

8. you must change your child before feeding him despite loosing your mind from the sound of the hungry baby, because the child should not be wet while eating, and because you should not position your baby horizontally for quite sometime after feeding and burping

7. you need to take your baby for a walk every day at least once in between the feedings regardless of the weather or your energy level

6. you must exclusively breastfeed your baby every three hours alternating the breasts with each feeding because that is required for your milk production

5. you must not co-sleep with your baby even if that is the only way to keep her quiet because then you’d be stuck with a toddler in your bed later on

4. there should be no talking while you're breastfeeding because it distracts your baby from eating

3. you must burp your baby for 10 minutes after feedings

2. you have to reverse your stroller and drive it backwards ignoring strange looks by fellow pedestrians each time you get direct sunshine into the stroller that the canopy does not block

1. you need to make key copies for your close family members so they can walk in without disturbing you and your baby in case you are napping/feeding/changing

today

you are saying, you are going to take a different train. you are saying it is faster for you to get home this way. i sense, you don’t want to hang out with me. i sense, you don’t want to make friends with me. i sense, i annoy you. i sense, i bother you. i am overly talkative, i am overly loud, i am overly irritating.. i am overly sensitive. i am overly insecure. i am overly doubtful.. i am going to step aside. i will not attempt to hang out with you. i will not attempt to make friends with you. until today. today is a different day. today, i don’t care what train you want to take. today, i don’t care that i am that irritating, talkative, or loud. today, i don’t feel sensitive. today, i don’t feel insecure. today, i don’t feel doubtful. today, i will attempt to hang out with you. today, i will attempt to make friends with you. maybe for you or maybe for me.

rain

you are walking home in the pouring rain. your new black $4 chinese umbrella is half-way broken from the wind. your new black $300 italian stilettos are ruined. all you want is to get home, take all the wet clothes off, put on your pajamas, get a nice cup of hot chocolate, wrap yourself in a blanket, sit on a cozy big chair by the window, turn the lights off, and quietly relax there watching the rain from the inside. that’s all you want walking through giant puddles, damaging your shoes more and more, holding your broken umbrella against the wind. you get to your house, you open your door, you take off your clothes, you put on your pajamas, you turn on your laptop, you turn on your tv, you microwave your weight-watchers, you sit down on your couch, you start typing.

birthing

i attend birth classes. i have a birth plan. i have a pillow packed in my suitcase. i have a robe packed in my suitcase. i have multiple juice cartons packed in my suitcase. my suitcase is ready to go.

i am starting working from home. i sit down, i connect. i am ready to run my script. something does not feel right. my water breaks right there. oh shit. first, i get some paper towels in attempt to clean up the mess. the water keeps pouring. second, i pick up my phone and call my husband at work. i ask him to call me a car service, and communicate to them that the driver needs to come inside, and get my suitcase out. third, i send an instant message to my coworker telling him i can’t help his client today.

now i need to concentrate. i need to figure out how i can transport myself having nonstop pouring water. the doorbell rings. i press the button to open the front door. nobody comes in. i wait. i call the car service, i ask them to call the driver, and ask him to come inside. finally the confused driver shows up. i tell him, we are going to the hospital. i tell him, i have babies to deliver. i am walking with a towel between my legs.

we get to the car. my main concern is not to get the water on the seat. we start driving. it feels kind of hot. this is a middle of the summer. this is the hottest week so far. i ask the driver to make the air cooler. his conditioner is maxed out. he says it does not work that great. ok, change of plans. i will not be able to spend an hour in this car in my condition. we need to go back to the car service location and change cars. we get there. i sense that the driver is kind of relieved that he will not be the one driving the insane pregnant water dripping woman to the manhattan hospital.

i introduce myself to the next driver. we test the air in his car. it is a little better. i tell the driver we need to get to the hospital as fast as we can. i ask the driver to take the battery tunnel instead of the bridge. the driver suggests taking the bridge because it is free, and there should not be a big traffic at this hour. i reiterate to the driver that my water broke, and we are in a rush to get to the hospital. i reiterate to the driver that paying the toll is not an issue. the driver does not seem to agree, but takes the tunnel nevertheless. the driver keeps talking about how taking the bridge would have been a better choice.

we get to the hospital, my husband gets to the hospital. we proceed upstairs to deliver babies.

mug of love

it began as a regular unremarkable typical gloomy day. i was walking as usual, carrying my giant mug - the mug of love. all my love for you. and then i tripped. and all the love spilled out of the mug. and it was love everywhere. and all these people came out of nowhere with their little cups, and they started helping me to collect my lost love. and they gave me their little cups, full of love, and they left. and i did not know what to do. and i did not know how to feel.