emotional intensity

google ‘emotional intensity’ and you will find this to be a favorable characteristic suggesting gifted individuality. it is a positive quality to have, something to be nurtured and cherished. it is considered to be a strength implying interesting complex personality with wonderfully rich inner world. this trait should be cultivated, appreciated and valued.

now add a ‘disorder’ ending to your search. did you get borderline? it is a new name for bpd, congratulations doctors! is adding a word ‘disorder’ enough to turn something supposedly wonderful into something so dark? can ‘disorder’ be replaced with another word to get more mild result? maybe it is just a perfect black and white output fitting to the input of the search.

truthful

please, tell me the truth, - you ask me. i look at you and i am scared. i look at you and i want to tell you the truth. i just don’t know what it means. i want to be a good person.  i want to tell you what you are asking. i don’t know how to do that. i just don’t know. i can try to please you. i can take my best guess. i can tell you what i think you want the truth to be. i will have to do that. i am going to see the look of reassurance in your eyes.  you will feel comforted. you will feel secured.  you will feel good.  i will feel sad. i will feel worthless. i will feel confused.

first time

it is a warm bright night in the late spring in a crowed city.  young eccentrically dressed cool looking people are everywhere. we are holding hands. we are crossing a street on a red light. a cab makes a sudden turn almost hitting us. you pull your hand out of mine. you run forward. i step back. i wait for the green light. i cross the street by myself. i put my hand into yours on the other side of the crosswalk. we keep walking. i tell you i love you. this is the first time i tell you that.