babushka

i’ve roommated quite a few people. i lived with my family, i lived with my friends, i lived with random roommates. there is no roommate like grandma. she is your family, but you can’t have conflicts with her like you do with your parents. she feeds you, she takes care of you, she makes you happy. she is your friend, but you can’t have arguments with her like you do with your friends. you talk with her, you laugh with her, you gossip with her. you are lucky if your grandma has a sense of humor. you are even luckier if she understands yours. here is the top 10 list of fun memories living with my grandma:

10. grandma occasionally receives cans of food from some jewish organization. we have a whole cabinet full of them, many are expired. our superintendent is rude and obnoxious. sometimes he comes up to fix things for us. grandma thanks him with cans of food. grandma says he is very happy and grateful to receive them.

9. grandma constantly states that she can’t bake because of the splitting headaches she gets from turning the oven on. i keep finding grandma running around with a rag tied around her head, in her tank top and shorts, with enlarged eyes and with all windows open, baking some sorts of pastries every time before any family birthday celebration.

8. grandma keeps watching late movies on cinemax channel. grandma says she did not know anything about sex before moving to america.

7. i go to work, and ask grandma to go to a supermarket and buy me some yogurts that i like. grandma cleans the container of a yogurt i finished in the morning and takes it to the store as her guideline. she takes it out of her bag and compares to other yogurts on the shelf. she does not find a match. she leaves. a security guard runs after her to the street. grandma does not understand what he says. he opens her bag. he locates the yogurt sample. he takes it out. he looks at the clean empty yogurt container, he looks at grandma, he turns around, he goes back to the store. grandma goes to another supermarket to look for yogurts for me.

6. someone gives grandma another nightgown as a birthday gift. grandma puts it in the under-bed storage and takes another nightgown out. she says it’s time to start wearing it. she says it was a gift from my mother about 20 years ago.

5. i take grandma to the newly opened supermarket. there are lots of parking spaces. i want to practice perpendicular parking. grandma asks if we can maybe just park in one of many empty spaces without other cars in sight. i keep trying to park the car between two cars. grandma patiently sits in the car and waits. i can’t fit in the spot. i can’t navigate around without hitting a parked car. i hit a car. people gather to watch. i keep hitting the car trying to get out of the spot. people start guiding me. grandma patiently sits in the car and waits. i move out of the spot and park in one of many empty spaces without other cars in sight. police arrives. they make a report. grandma patiently waits by the car. police leaves, we go shopping.

4. grandma carries home two 8-10lbs chunks of ham when she finds them on sale because she knows i like it.

3. grandma and i are moving into an apartment. grandma collected a bunch of tableware at local fleamarkets prior to my arrival to the country. i ask grandma to throw it all away so we can buy new stuff. grandma wants to keep hers. i go to the apartment and stay up all night cleaning. i wash all grandma’s tableware. i put it on the table. at 4 am the table leans and all the dishes fall on the floor and break. grandma says broken tableware is for good luck.

2. i invite my future husband to eat passover dinner grandma made. she puts a holodets (a jello-like stew of rooster’s combs and pig’s hooves) on his plate. he respectfully swallows it despite his fear and politely tells grandma it’s delicious. grandma immediately puts another piece on his plate.

1. grandma studies for her citizenship exam. grandma is very nervous. every day we practice questions from her questioner. every day i give her sentences to write. the big day comes. she walks in the room. she says "i love you, i love america" to her examiner. grandma gets her citizenship.

release

giving compliments used to be so difficult. it was almost as hard as admitting not knowing something. what is it, that lets you accept that not knowing will not lower your impression? what is it, that teaches you to make sincere compliments without feeling awkward, without being afraid to be looked down on? what is it, that imprints into you, that your image has to satisfy first yourself and only then maybe the ones you love and admire? what is it, that allows you to become yourself?

делать комплименты было так сложно. это было почти также тяжело, как признаваться в незнании чего-то. что это, что позволяет тебе принять для себя, что незнание не опустит впечатление о тебе? что это, что учит тебя делать искренние комплименты, не чувствуя при этом неудобства, без страха, что на тебя посмотрят сверху вниз? что это, что отпечатывает в тебя, что твой образ должен удовлетворить в первую очередь тебя, а потом уже возможно и тех, кого ты любишь и кем восхищаешься? что это, что дает тебе стать собой?

low expectations

my friend and i established a rule long time ago. the rule is to lower your expectations before watching a movie that you currently have high expectations of. this way your potential disappointment is diminished, and there is plenty of room to be pleasantly surprised. unfortunately (or not) this rule can’t be applied to many other things that you have high expectations of. will it do you any good to lower your expectations of a new book? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of art? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of friends? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of boyfriends and girlfriends? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of sex? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of yourself?

first date

i sent my picture to a guy i liked on the online singles site. he liked me too and now we are drinking coffee at a lower east side joint. he has a nicorette patch on, but i don’t know about that. he says my smoking is fine. so i keep it up. he seems weird a bit but i like it. i like his looks, i like his voice, i like his artsiness, i like that he used to be a figure skater. i hope he gives me a call tomorrow.

culture shock

you experience a culture shock to some degree upon moving to a new neighborhood, new city, new country. the culture shock is even bigger when the spoken language of your new place of living is new to you. the culture shock is even bigger when you try to consume products with labels in languages you don’t understand. this is the top 10 list of the experiences related to the culture shock and the food ingestion (or generally inner placement of products):

10. this is our second day in israel. we go to the local supermarket and fill the shopping card with goods that look attractive. the russian cashier asks us how long we are here during our checkout, and tells us that our one-time government aid will run out pretty soon if we keep up shopping for these selections.

9. my father orders fried eggs in italian restaurants because he does not like pasta and he is convinced they don’t have any other food that he would like.

8. i order coffee in the japanese restaurant upon my first time going to such an establishment.

7. my husband double checks his watch upon seeing the waiters bringing lamb to the table around midnight in a russian restaurant.

6. my friend and i go to the supermarket to buy champaign to celebrate new year with. we select a bottle and take it back to the kibbutz. we open the bottle at midnight, and drink it. it tastes remarkably like apple cider. later we find out, they don’t sell champaign in the supermarkets in israel.

5. my stepfather is escorted out of american consulate in israel because he is found to be smoking in the bathroom.

4. a young indian guy started at our department. he is not really exposed to other cultures. we order sushi for lunch one day. the indian guy seems to like it. the chinese guy suggests him to try the wasabi because he thinks the indian guy would like spicy stuff like that. the indian guy places the whole thing of wasabi in his mouth before any of us gets to say anything.

3. my husband and i are in rome. we decide to dine in a mom-and-pop shop. there is an old woman and an old man running, cooking, and waiting the place. we go in, we don’t understand the menu. an english-speaking customer near us suggests to ask for the chef’s selection. we are vegetarian, so we are afraid to do that. we ask for some entries, and for a mozzarella appetizer. they seem to be somewhat confused by the choice of the appetizer. the woman brings a mozzarella ball on a plate and puts it in front of me. i look at it and feel somewhat confused myself and ask for a tomato. the woman loudly tells something to her husband. he proceeds ramaging through the refrigerator right near the tables. he locates a large tomato and places it on my plate near the mozzarella.

2. the relatives fill the refrigerator for my friend’s family upon their arrival to israel. my friend goes to the kitchen to have a snack in the evening. he opens one container, it is some sort of a paste, smells good, like lemon, nice and fresh. he spreads this substance on a piece of bread and takes a bite. the bubbles start to come out – this turns out to be a dish soap.

1. my roommate in the kibbutz has a pain in her ear. the manager sends me to accompany her to the ear doctor in the nearby city. the doctor looks in her ear and gives us a box of objects that look like wax sticks. he instructs us what to do with them. we don’t fully get the instructions, but we understand they need to be inserted. we understand she has to do it before going to bed. we go back. my friend takes the wax candles and tries to insert them into her ear. it does not go in. me and our other roommate try helping out. the candle does not go in. we give up. later on we learn the proper placement of wax candles.

work stupidity

i am about to declare stupidity contest at work. the previous holder of the winning title was fired and the position is vacant. there are quite a few nominees. the race is tight.

here is the top 10 list of stupid things that happened on my current job throughout my employment:

10. a high level individual at the company tells my coworker he is not being productive. the coworker emails me the 100th question for the day asking why things don’t work for him. i don’t have access to see neither his data nor his processes. i tell him to check few basic settings. he replies with hurt feelings. he asks why do i mention basic settings like these. he tells me i make him not productive.

9. i am going to maternity leave. i am the only user of a one-person license to an expensive data modeling software. the software is actually registered under the name of my previous boss. i am in another department now. my new boss orders another license to give to my temp replacement in order to avoid communicating with my old boss.

8. a coworker feels she deserves to be promoted. she asks for the promotion but does not get it. she is frustrated and sad. she emails a memorandum to quite a lot of people that she will not do the part of her daily work that she believes should require manager’s title. she states that she will only do the basic work as her title suggests. she sends the cell phone number of her boss to everyone as a number to call in case they have any questions about our product. she gets fired the same day.

7. a coworkers emails the following text: “changes to the staging database seems as though it would greatly ease the burden of mapping to the new data model in certain areas like ‘terms’. maintaining the nomenclature of semesters as the application is moving towards terms appears counterproductive”. this is the 1st email i ever received from this coworker. i have a physical need to run to the bathroom upon receiving his emails ever since.

6. a crazy coworker who really struggles with basic english adds “corporate headquarters” title in her email signature because another coworker made a joke on her and told her to do it.

5. the same coworker starts laughing hysterically upon hearing that her other male coworker has a boyfriend even after she was explicitly explained the situation and the sexual orientation or this coworker.

4. i am pregnant. my stomach is too large to see the bag on the floor that my absentminded boss threw in the middle of the room. i trip over the bag and fall down. my foot hurts throughout the rest of my pregnancy.

3. i accidentally do not highlight the where clause of an update query and overwrite prod data for a whole table instead of one record.

2. my little daughter gets a hold of my keyboard and violently hits some keystrokes. the next day all the production jobs fail. i look into it and find out she moved a certain prod folder.

1. i ask a coworker for a spreadsheet with two columns – student code and file name relating to the student. the coworker sends back a blank spreadsheet with two title columns – student code and file name.

lonesome

would you deny yourself an experience because you don’t have anyone to share it with? do you think you are depressed if the answer is yes? do you think you are insecure and scared if the answer is yes? do you think you are extremely extrovert if the answer is yes? do you think you are very young and naive if the answer is yes? do you think you are lucky if the answer is yes?

don’t you think you must be depressed making a choice to stay home watching tv when you could be someplace else? don’t you think you must be scared when being on your own prevents you from an adventure in life? don’t you think you must be insecure if the looks people give to your lonesomeness mean more than the experiences themselves? don’t you think you must be extremely extrovert if having no audience for your emotions suppresses your need for them? don’t you think you must be young and naive thinking there will be plenty of others experiences in your life that you will be able to share? don’t you think you must be lucky being used to having people to share your experiences with all the time except this once?

charity

i don’t feel much empathy to strangers. i don’t get moved by pictures of starving children to the level that would make me want to sponsor a kid. i feel sad for the penguins having survival problems in south america but i don’t feel inclined to adopt one. i feel somewhat repulsed by the homeless people, so i would not want to donate food. in addition, my corruptive mind thinks that a big portion of all the charity work goes to the pockets of the rich. my philosophy about charity used to be helping out the people i know that i like. you are doing charity work as long as you are helping out to at least one person. help can be different, it can be financial help, it can also be a mental help of some kind. the only problem here – strangers accept your help. the people you know may feel intimidated by your help. it could be harder for you to help the people you want to help. should that intimidate you?

snow

it was so fun watching the kids intensively shoveling snow yesterday. it reminded me how i used to do the same activity, how exiting it was.

i am a very honest child. i don’t believe good people tell lies. i don’t believe anyone i know tells lies. i don’t believe i know bad people. i go to kindergarten. there is a boy there. his napping bed is next to mine. he tells me he has special powers. he tells me he will make my building go on fire. he tells me he will burn my parents. he tells me this every day. i cry every day. i believe he can do all this. he comes over on weekends, we get shovels and we shovel the snow. we like it. the next day it’s naptime back in the kindergarden. he tells me he will make my building go on fire. he tells me he will burn my parents. i cry. i believe he can do all this.

undefined emotion

can some strange undefined emotion take over other feelings including sex? does it scare you? does it shakes the confidence in your sexuality? does it remind you of pitiful phrases like sex is not the most important thing, or that sex is overrated, - phrases, that make you believe that a person is not very sexual or has not discovered sexuality yet? what if you are extremely sexual, really love having sex, consider it very important, and at the same time have this other emotion at times overpowering not only sex, but all your other feelings and values? what if this emotion directed towards individuals you feel no sexual attraction to? what can this emotion be?

может ли какая-то странная неопределенная емоция брать верх над другими чувствами, включая секс? она тебя пугает? она колеблет уверенность в твоей сексуальности? это напоминает тебе жалкие фразы наподобие того, что секс не является самым важным, или, что секс слишком преувеличивают, - фразы, которые показывают тебе, что человек не особо сексуален, или еще не обнаружил свою сексуальность? что если ты чрезвычайно сексуален, получаешь большое удовольствие от секса, считаешь его очень важным, и, в тоже самое время испытываешь эту другую емоцию, периодически преобладающую не только над сексом, но и над всеми другими твоими чувствами и ценностями? что если эта емоция направлена по отношению к людям, к которым ты не чувствуешь сексуальной тяги? чем может быть эта эмоция?

essay about business

each business starts with some asshole having what he thinks is a clever idea, and his desire to get rich. the more successful the idea turns out, the bigger the business becomes. the bigger the business becomes, the greater is the amount of working assholes the original asshole needs to support. they want to get rich but know they can not. they want to take as much as they can from their boss – the original asshole. they want to make him poor. this is the definition of business.


vicky cristina barcelona – added to my all time favorites list, the narration and music are priceless.

sleepless

i wake up again screaming and gagging. i can’t breath. i open my window to let the air in. i lit the cigarette to get the lungs moving. wait, scratch that, i don’t smoke. there is no way i can get back to sleep then. i got these remaining hours of the night to think my thoughts, to roll in my bed looking for your face in my mind.

costanzas

few years ago when i was physically working at the office, before all these babies were born, and before the best ever coworker-friend quit on us, we used to have these weekly department meetings. their purpose was to design a new data specification document. we called these meetings evenings with the costanzas. we would loudly talk all at once and passionately argue the design of all these stupid tables. we said we hated it but we kind of loved it. it was fun.

we also have costanzas in our own family. imagine 5 or us, cousins and sisters, setting up a dinner in the city. looks like pretty simple event, would not you think? think again. think harder. how many emails do you think can be collected just during the 1st day of planning? are we also going to a museum? to a movie maybe? to a broadway show? how about going shopping? some may fall asleep, some may get bored, some may get broke. the only thing we normally do together is eating at common family gatherings. we are the costanzas.

good bye

how many times have i said good bye to you? i can recall each one of them, and all the thoughts, reasons, and feelings for all of them. every good bye creates a feeling of hopeless painful sadness. each subsequent good bye makes this sadness a little bit lighter, a little bit flatter. how many more good byes will it take to remove the sadness completely? what will it leave me with?

i say my next good bye to you. how many chapters of my life will miss you? what will they include?


сколько раз я прощалась с тобой? я могу вспомнить каждый случай, и все мысли, причины и чувства каждого из них. каждое прощание порождает чувство безнадежной болезненной грусти. каждое следующее прощание делает это чувство слегка легче, слегка тупее. через сколько прощаний эта грусть исчезнет совсем? с чем это меня оставит?

я прощаюсь с тобой в очередной раз. сколько глав моей жизни пройдут без тебя? чем заполнятся эти главы?

attention

i crave your attention so badly. i feel my heartbeat speeding, i feel my blood vessels pumping.. i don’t think you notice it, i don’t think you suspect it. i hope you don’t. i act so cool around you, the only way you would notice it, is if you were giving me the attention i am craving. you would give me that attention, and you would immediately become just a bit above all these other ones. you would be just a bit above these losers craving my attention acting cool around me thinking i am too busy in my own world to notice them. i notice you, i just don’t pay attention.

reply

thank you for writing to me. thank you for thinking of me. thank you for your regrets. thank you for taking this step. thank you for thinking of being my friend. i think of you as my friend too. every time i think of my cute imported dolls, i think of yours. every time i think of my pretty cool little dresses, i think of yours. every time i think of my youth tricks, i think of yours. every time i think of my first kiss, i think of yours. every time i think of the childhood and the friendship i think of you. i will always think that.

clarity

the purpose of death seems to exist to remind us of the stupidity of living. we love people the most when we learn of their death. we feel certain clarity in the sorrow of mourning. it suddenly hits us, and we want to keep this clarity, this outlook - we want to love more, to express more, to spend time more, to be happy more. we want to give to the living. we want to be loved while we live. how long does this clarity last? do the moments of clarity increase with the increase of death experiences around us?

похоже, смерть существует для того, чтобы напоминать нам о глупости жизни. мы любим людей больше всего, когда мы узнаем о их смерти. мы ощущаем определенное озарение в печали траура. внезапно мы чувствуем это, и нам хочется держаться за это озарение, за эту перспективу – нам хочется любить больше, выражать себя больше, проводить времени больше, радоваться больше. нам хочется давать живущим. нам хочется быть любимыми пока мы живем. как долго длится это озарение? эти моменты озарения увеличиваются с увеличением опыта встречь со смертью вокруг нас?

leonard cohen

i love leonard cohen and seeing him in concert will be great. he is only doing one concert in ny in the tiny beacon theater. so i had to get whatever tickets were still available during the 1st hour of the sale event. that meant buying expensive tickets. well, not that expensive but, hey, i paid less to see madonna! he’s better not to disappoint us in our orchestra seats!

movie script

here it goes – kate winslet fell in love with leonardo dicaprio during titanic filming. she was very insecure and did not even try to get romantically involved with the guy. she was not stupid, she saw the movie, she saw how much fatter and older she looks compared to leo. plus he only dates supermodels. so she married her husband, who is older and not so good looking, but a very good film director, on a condition that he will film them together again. she proceeded working on her body and becoming a great actress while the husband worked on the script. finally they made a movie about how routine and boring love gets when it becomes a marriage, so she can tell leo publicly how she loves him.

should i copyright this?

headstand

they say it is good for you to do postures and movements you don’t normally do, to get the blood circulating to places it generally escapes. you stand on your head and you definitely feel that blood heavily rushing to your face – your ears, your forehead, your cheeks, you feel it rushing to your brain. you are supposed to breath and not to think of anything. can you avoid thinking thoughts that enter your inverted mind? would the curiosity of thinking an inverted thought supersede the intention of following instructions and concentrating on the breath? are you here to learn peace and balance or are you here to experience thoughts that come to your upside-down brain during a headstand?

secret

who is the person that loves you the most? who is the person that cares about you the most? who is the person you can depend on the most? who is the person you can trust to the most? who is the person you open up to the most?

do you have a secret? do you never talk about your secret at all? do you talk about it casually so no one suspects it to be your secret? why do you keep a secret? is it because you are afraid? is it because you are not sure? is it because you like the feeling of having a secret? is it because you don’t have a secret?

poetry

reading poems is not that easy. you have to adjust your own harmony to someone else’s rhythm, and it often disturbs you, at least at first. you are not sure if it’s your sense of rhythm that’s having problems or if the stuff you are reading is not that good. on the other hand, writing poems is so much fun. all you have to do is to sense when the moment is coming, tune to it, and just write what it is you think you feel. i’d even say that the sadder the poem turns out, the more fun it gets to write it. you will not be happy with the result of your writing if you think about the words, about the melody of the poem. just feel listen and write.. if you can.. while you can..

a round of applause goes to my talented husband who made a little site to show off my long forgotten poetries. you are welcome to check them out if you have the patience to walk through something that may look like a never-ending vacuum of depression. i posted the majority of my poems choosing the ones that i think are interesting, or just have a sentimental value for me. the link is http://laura.ericmeier.com/poetry/

fuck!

how many .... are you going to fuck? recently, palahniuk’s book came out about a porn star setting a record fucking 600 volunteers for some vague reason i am not going to get into. let’s say you are going for a much smaller number, but you’re setting a pretty strict filter on your fucking selection. most obscene actions people do generally aim to prove something fucked up to themselves or to others. what the fuck are you proving? what the fuck is your reason? do you specifically set this criteria or does your fucking criteria pull you in? i would fuck you in an instant if i had the balls. would i fit your fucking filter?

game

do you like living in imaginary world? do you have fun making characters of yourself and people around you? do you enjoy giving them qualities they don’t exhibit, taking away features they possess? do you know their real personalities? do you care? do you get confused between the characters you make and the real people upon interacting with them? what do you get from this shuffle? why do you play this game? is this a game?

imbalance?

do you think you can admire, respect, and love a person who can equally admire, respect, and love you back? do you think that in every relationship there is one who loves and another one who allows to be loved?

do you think that when you are the one who loves, you should accept the treatment from the one you love because you have no other choice? do you think that you can do something, maybe not right away, maybe in the future, that will make you be loved? do you think you will always love the one you love? who do you think you love more – the one you love, or yourself feeling this love?

do you think that when you are the one who allows to be loved, the one who loves you will dump you at the end? do you think you can ever learn to love the one who loves you, the way that you are loved? do you think you don’t deserve this love? do you think that you are the one who loves?


тебе кажется, что ты можешь восхищаться, уважать и любить человека, кто может одинаково восхищаться, уважать и любить тебя? тебе кажется, что в любом взаимоотношении есть один, кто любит, и другой, кто позволяет себя любить?

тебе кажется, что когда ты тот, кто любит, тебе стоит принять существующее обращение с собой от того, кого ты любишь, из-за отсутствия выбора? тебе кажется, что ты можешь сделать что-то, возможно не сразу, возможно в будущем, что сделает тебя любимым? тебе кажется, ты будешь всегда любить того, кого ты любишь? кого, тебе кажется, ты любишь больше – того, кого ты любишь, или себя, чувствующего эту любовь?

тебе кажется, что когда ты тот, кто позволяет себя любить, тот, кто любит тебя, в какой-то момент оставит тебя? тебе кажется, ты сможешь когда-то научиться любить того, кто любит тебя, так, как тебя любят? тебе кажется, ты не заслуживаешь эту любовь? тебе кажется, что ты, тот, кто любит?

remote connect

isn’t it interesting to receive a phone call or an email from someone you were just thinking about? isn’t it interesting to randomly think the same thoughts with a person you live with, or with someone half world away? isn’t it interesting to use the same words at the same time with someone describing totally different things? isn’t it interesting to instantly know what close to you people are thinking when you talk to them few times in a year at best? how does it make you feel? does it make you feel isolated? does it make you feel incredibly close?

i am so used to connecting remotely, that my physical manifestation throws everyone off balance. i am so used to connecting remotely that the time seems to exist as a completely irrelevant measure. i am so used to connecting remotely, i need the distance to connect.

new year

happy new year! are you going to celebrate that this year you’re going to get one year older? are you going to celebrate that this past year you got accustomed to hate, love, be tired of, appreciate a lot, and whatever other adjectives you got for it, is going to be over? are you going to celebrate that the next year will be different? are you going to celebrate that the change of a digit in the wall calendar you stare at every day, is going to bring something new to your life? are you going to celebrate new year?

every year around this time i nostalgically remember the childhood. i wish i could celebrate 1980 again. i hope i can introduce a sense of winter holidays magic to my kids. i hope we can feel this magic together.


с новым годом! ты будешь праздновать, что в следующем году ты станешь на год старше? ты будешь праздновать, что этот прошедший год, который ты свыкся ненавидеть, любить, чувствовать усталость, ценить, и какие другие прилагательные ты можешь добавить, наконец-то закончится? ты будешь праздновать, что следующий год будет другим? ты будешь праздновать, что смена цифры на стенном календаре, на который ты глазеешь каждый день, принесет что-то новое в твою жизнь? ты будешь праздновать новый год?

каждый год примерно в это время я ностальгически вспоминаю детство. мне хотелось бы праздновать 1980 опять. я надеюсь, что я смогу преподнести чувство чуда зимних праздников своми детям. я надеюсь, мы сможем чувствовать вместе это чудо.

cats, dogs, birds, family, and death

the grandma does not see well, the grandma does not hear well. the grandma carries a magnifying glass, wears a hearing aid and a microphone-type of a device around her neck. still, she does not see much, and what grandma hears, is usually not what people say. grandma does her best, and tries to have as much fun as she can. grandma plays cards for pennies, grandma runs around in shopping malls on wheelchairs, grandma flirts with her doctors. grandma’s lovebird died accidentally. everyone believed that bird was her reincarnated husband. the bird told her what to wear, the bird told her what to do, the bird told her where to go. grandma got another lovebird. grandma can’t find her bird one evening. she looks everywhere, the bird can’t be found. she calls her daughter. daughter comes and finds the bird in the freezer. grandma closes her drawer on another evening, and the bird’s foot gets caught in it. the bird looses the toe. grandma, her daughter, the bird, and the bird’s toe rush to the hospital. the doctors attach the toe to the bird’s foot. the bird ends up in the freezer again, the bird ends up locked in cabinets. the bird dies. grandma really wants another bird but she says she does not deserve one.

the dog wears a festive holiday shirt for christmas. the dog is over 15 years old. the dog does not hear well, the dog does not see well, the dog used to be depressed. the dog is not depressed anymore. no, it was not the antidepressants that cured the dog, the medicine did not work that well, and it was causing side effects. the miracle happened! the cat that used to live with the dog died. my mother in law, who is the cat/dog owner, took in one of the cats of her son’s. he had 6 cats, and was having difficulties taking care of them all. then this cat needed a friend, so the mother in law, who works at the animal clinic, brought home a kitten with a dislocated jaw. the kitten was very smart and cute as long as you were not staring at his face and at his mouth in particular. one day the depressed dog refused his food as usual, and the kitten came over. the kitten smelled and tasted the dog food, and proceeded to eat it. the dog lived with many cats through the years but the dog has never seen a cat trying to eat his food. the dog started eating his food with the cat. since that day, the dog and the cat always eat together from the same jar. they alternate dog food with cat food. the dog is no longer depressed, the dog acts happy. the dog just does not hear well, the dog just does not see well.

we received a call during our vacation that our cat died. our dead cat was hanging out in the basement for 2 days. we came home. my husband put the cat in the box, and placed it in the backyard. the next morning all the neighborhood cats were singing serenades in memoriam to the dead cat under our daughter’s bedroom window. today the car came and took the cat to cremation.



бабушка плоховато видит, бабушка плоховато слышит. бабушка носит увеличительное стекло, слуховой аппарат, и подобный микрофону прибор вокруг шеи. все равно, она плохо видит, а то, что бабушка слышит, обычно является не тем, о чем говорят вокруг. бабушка старается, как может, получать удовольствие от жизни. бабушка играет в карты на центы, бабушка катается по магазинам на инвалидной коляске, бабушка заигрывает с ее докторами. бабушкин попугайчик случайно умер. все вокруг верят, эта птичка была перерожденным бабушкиным сурпругом. птичка говорила ей, что одевать, птичка говорила ей, что делать, птичка говорила ей, куда идти. бабушка купила другого попугайчика. бабушка не может найти птичку в один вечер. она ищет всюду, но не может найти. она звонит дочке. дочка приезжает и находит птичку в морозилке. бабушка закрывает ящик в другой вечер, и прищимляет птичкину лапку. у птички отрывается пальчик. бабушка, ее дочка, птичка и птичкин пальчик устремляются в госпиталь. доктор пришивает птичке пальчик. птичка оказывается опять в морозилке, птичка оказывается закрытой в шкафчиках. птичка умирает. бабушка очень хочет другую птичку, но говорит, что она ее не заслуживает.

на собаке одета нарядная кофта на рождество. собаке более 15 лет. собака плохо слышет, собака плохо видит, собака была в депрессии до недавнего времени. собака больше не в депрессии. нет, это не были антидепрессанты, которые излечили собаку, эти лекарства плохо помогали и порождали побочные эффекты. случилось чудо! кот, который жил с собакой, умер. моя свекровь, которой принадлежат кот/собака, взяла себе одного из котов ее сына. он имел 6 котов и испытывал трудности заботиться о них всех. тогда этому коту понадобился друг, и свекровь, которая работает в поликлиннике для животных, принесла домой котенка со смещенной челюстью. котенок был очень умен и симпатичен, если вы не смотрели пристально на его морду, и его рот в особенности. один день депрессивная собака, как обычно, отказалась кушать свою еду, и котенок подошел к ней. котенок понюхал и попробовал собачью еду, и начал ее есть. собака жила со многими котами за свою многолетнюю жизнь, но еще никогда собака не видела кота, кушающего ее еду. собака стала есть ее еду с котом. с этого дня собака и кот всегда едят вместе из одной миски. они чередуют собачью еду с кошачьей. собака больше не в депрессии, собака выглядит радостной. собака просто плохо слишит, собака просто плохо видит.

нам позвонили во время нашего отпуска сказать, что наша кошка умерла. наша мертвая кошка околачивалась в подвале в течении двух дней. мы приехали. мой муж закрыл кошку в коробку и положил ее на заднем дворе. на следующее утро все местные коты пели серенады в память мертвой кошке под окном нашей дочери. сегодня приехала машина и забрала кошку на кремацию.

employee-employer

this is the list of top 10 employer to employee encounters from my own experience and from the experiences of few others close to me:

10. your boss gets a bunch of you in a room on friday and tells you all to come up with the solving a performance problem ideas during the weekend.

9. you do an occasional office-cleaning job. your manager tells you that the office workers will always remember you as a cleaning person, no matter what you’d end up being in life later on.

8. your boss feeds you chinese candies every chance she gets.

7. your boss asks you to move your carefully planned multi-country international trip because of the server upgrade event, since he did not realize your vacation starts in two days.

6. your boss sends you an email that there is a party food leftover in the fridge, and that you should use plates to heat it up, and not the aluminum containers the food is currently in.

5. your boss sits on your desk nervously fidgeting his legs looking at your screen every time he asks you to do anything.

4. your boss tells you that you are the best thing that happened to him. all he truly means is that you are doing a very good job.

3. you tell your boss you saw him in your dream last night. his face turns read and he agitatedly asks you not to tell him this dream.

2. every day your boss thanks you for doing a good job and for helping him out.

1. your employee who works at your house tells you to work from the office and not from home.

not your life?

you wake up. you get ready. you go to class, you go to work. you go to lunch. you go out. you go home. you watch tv. you go to bed. you wake up..

do you agree with the mirror that this is you you’re looking at? who are you? who’s life are you living? do you know the moment when you started living this life? did you come up with the idea for this to become your life? did it happen accidentally? did you always live this life? do you see anything wrong with it? do you like it? do you think it is good for you? do you think it is better than the alternative that could have happened? do you know what life you would have chosen have you had a second chance? do you think you would have gotten it? do you think you would have been happier? do you think you would have call it your life? who do you think you would have been seeing in the mirror?


ты просыпаешься. ты собираешься. ты идешь на учебу, ты идешь на работу. ты идешь на обед. ты идешь куда-то провести время. ты идешь домой. ты смотришь телевизор. ты ложишься спать. ты просыпаешься..

ты согласен с зеркалом, что это ты, тот, на кого ты смотришь? кто ты? чью жизнь ты живешь? ты знаешь момент, с которого ты начал жить эту жизнь? ты сам придумал сделать это твоей жизнью? это произошло случайно? ты всегда жил эту жизнь? тебе кажется в ней что-то не то? тебе она нравится? ты думаешь, твоя жизнь подходит тебе? ты думаешь, это лучше, чем альтернатив, который мог случиться? ты знаешь, какую жизнь ты бы выбрал имея второй шанс? ты думаешь, у тебя бы получилось? ты думаешь, ты был бы счастливей? ты думаешь, ты бы назвал это твоей жизнью? кого, ты думаешь, ты бы видел в зеркале?

teeth

today is the teeth day. it started with my friend telling me a story about her child’s dental adventures. then my mother called me to say that her dental bridge came off. that lead me to make my own dental appointment. and to top it off, my father will come over today with his constant teeth saga.

here are other teeth related experiences of my life –

my son likes to chew his pacifier in the crib. he makes holes in the pacifiers, and then he refuses to suck on them. i buy about 2 to 4 pacifiers a week because of this act of his.

i go to my first dental checkup at school. i am 11. the dentist finds 14 cavities in my teeth. it is not my first dental checkup ever. it is not my first dental checkup that year. it is just my first dental checkup in a few months.

my dentist has framed photos of people’s teeth on his wall. i always ask him to add the picture of my teeth there, but he keeps refusing.

my grandma misplaced her dentures. we are expecting guests and this is not a best time for such an accident. it is not the first time this happens. the grandpa is lecturing grandma to always keep her teeth close by. we are all looking for the false teeth. we look in her pockets, we look in her magazines, we look in her shelves, we don’t see them. then the great grandma finds them in the trashcan. everyone is happy. the guests arrive, we start eating.


сегодня зубной день. он начался с истории подруги о зубных приключениях ее ребенка. потом мама позвонила сказать, что ее мост поломался. это навело меня на мысль назначить визит к зубному и себе. и в завершение, папа придет сегодня со своей вечной зубной сагой.

вот другие зубные проишествия моей жизни -

мой сын любит жевать свою соску в кровати. он делает в них дырки, а потом отказывается их сосать. я покупаю от 2 до 4 сосок в неделю из-за этого его деяния.

я иду на мою первую школьную зубную проверку. мне 11 лет. зубной врач находит 14 дырок в моих зубах. это не первый визит к зубному в моей жизни. это не первый визит к зубному в этом году. это просто мой первый визит к зубному за несколько месяцев.

мой зубной врач держит фотографии зубов в рамках на своей стене. я всегда прошу его добавить туда мои зубы, но он все отказывает.

моя бабушка не может найти ее вставные зубы. мы ждем гостей, и это не лучшее время для такого происшествия. это не первый раз, такое случается. дедушка читает нотацию бабушке всегда держать ее зубы при себе. мы все ищем вставные зубы. мы ищем в ее карманах, мы ищем в ее журналах, мы ищем в ее полках, мы их не видим. наконец прабабушка находит зубы в мусорнике. мы все радуемся. гости приходят, мы начинаем кушать.

socializing

a big part of physically going to your job location is socializing. i am not a social person but if i am friendly with you, and i got some free time, you bet i am going to stand by your desk talking to you until you start wishing for someone to give me something urgent to do right now. the same goes for im conversations. i just sense your urge for something to distract me from talking to you after bombarding you with countless number of lines that see no ending. as long as i am in the mood, i have something to say, and i have a lot to say about it.

i don’t have many people to talk to. i work from home. i started writing these daily posts and they kind of substitute socializing for me at the moment. sometimes these segments come to me all at once, sometimes i take notes of pieces of my thoughts at various times, and later make it into a story of the day. and yes, i absolutely bill the clients for my creative explorations.

mother-daughter event sampler

sit down - stand up, sit down – stand up; again.. what wouldn't you do for your mother, what wouldn't your mother do for you. my mother is here to make me company at this strange event. i am hear to experience the posture improvement breakthrough technique. i am here to entertain myself. i am here to entertain my mother. sit down - stand up, sit down – stand up; again.. i have a horrible posture, and i am re-learning to sit. so does my mother. sit down – stand up.. this is a free alexander technique workshop. lay down – sit up, lay down – sit up; again.. stand up and look in the mirror for a while.. help each other to learn to sit right.. correct each other when you see a wrong posture..

my mother and i are eating foie gras at a fancy french restaurant for her birthday. just the two of us. my mother does not know i am pregnant yet. what do you think about twins, - i ask..

my mother wants a massage. she really wants a massage. she just came to the country, she does not feel very comfortable, she does not speak much english. i need to join my mother for the massage. i get a fragile feminine guy who gently strokes and caress my body. my mother gets a big muscular energetic female who pushes, stretches, pokes, and slaps her. everyone is happy.

we take my mother upstate. we end up in the shittiest hotel room ever. my mother needs a good coffee the next morning, she emptied her thermos last night. my mother can’t drink the regular coffee they serve from the coffee pots. i go to all the establishments in the village to inquire about espresso. i don’t find any.

my mother and family are moving to staten island. the mover has a little hangover from the night before. he ties the mattress to the van’s roof. off he goes over verrazano bridge. the mattress falls down on the bridge. the mover is not allowed to stop on the bridge. my brother is in his van calling me. we get in the car and we drive to the bridge in attempt to capture the mattress. there is no sign of the mattress. we turn around. we see the police cars and what seems to be the mattress. we don’t stop. my mother convinces the driver to go there and claim the mattress. the driver gets a fine. the driver does not get the mattress. my mother deducts the mattress cost from the driver’s check. my mother goes to a mattress store and gets a much better serta mattress at a great discount.

*correction - the hunted item upstate was not espresso but a cup of hot water to add to brought grinded coffee.

top 10 list i learned this week

there is a guy at work, who sometimes sends these out-of-it emails. today he decided to create a page to place all the things he learned this week in there to "be informed about all the myriad happenings within our department and around the company".

i decided that i should also make my own top 10 list i learned this week. here it goes:

10. tom cruise likes tina turner
9. the color of this new year is going to be orange
8. some famous guy read the entire encyclopedia and wrote about what he read
7. it costs over 10k for a couple to go to australia for about 2-3 weeks
6. a girl at work was named after an actress who played a cyborg
5. you should ask your child not to drool when you want her to stop drooling
4. read/write permissions give you rights to create temp tables in sql05
3. my sister was hired back 2 weeks after getting laid off
2. there is an observation deck on the top of rockefeller center
1. tying shoes is actually not that easy


please vote for your favorite posts if you haven't. don't think of yourself as a special reader who should be excluded from this chore. you read - you vote - very simple.

arc de triomphe

i am reading a book. i don’t understand what is happening. have i been reincarnated? was this book ever my life? do i need this book to become my life? do i fear this book will become me? this is a fictional novel, and it is not even that great of a literature piece. something is weird. somehow this feels right, like you just found a part of you that you never knew existed. nothing in this book has anything to do with my life or personality. i am 13. i feel all the expressions, tastes, emotions, atmospheres, events, times and places i am reading about. i don’t get my fascination with this book. all i know - i am stuck reading it over and over. i can’t read anything else anymore.

crowds

i am scared of crowds. it does not matter if it is a parade, a large party, a concert, or a funeral. it is so much easier to manage and manipulate a crowd than individuals. you can put a political message, a desire of action, or any thought in a crowd’s mind. you can make a crowd to vote, to love, to hate.. and you can make a crowd to go shopping.

small-world accidents

a guy sits at his desk at work and reads a letter i wrote looking for lost relatives. the lost relative i am looking for is his best friend from school.

my friend’s mother is walking on the seashore and meets another immigrant lady. they start talking and find out they are relatives.

small department needs to hire 3 new people. there are no russian speaking employees in this department yet. two of us stay, two get fired during the month of hiring. all four came from the same city in west ukraine. all four know someone that at least one of the other 3 knows.

the first nanny i had is now working across the street.

remember?

do you remember the taste of tomatoes in your hometown? do you remember the face of a person you love after being apart for a long time? do you remember your age? do you remember what you had on the day you met your significant other? do you remember the name of the movie you saw yesterday?

memory is selective, you can’t keep it all in, you gotta make choices.. it’s interesting to see how much can you learn about people just by them telling you what they remember, right?

i don’t remember you at all on the night that made me love you.

care

most people around you are the regular mediocre losers, isn’t it so? but there are few, surprisingly very few, that you value, that you care about, that are important to you. you are willing to do a lot for them, right? you are willing to help them out when they need it. you are willing to comfort them when they are sad. you are willing to feel happy for them when they are happy. you are willing to really listen to them and truly sympathize them. you are willing to inconvenience yourself a lot for them. why are you willing to do all that? what place do they take in your heart that makes them so valuable to you?

you don’t need them to return you the favor. you don’t expect or count on that. you are self-sufficient, you rely and depend on yourself. you don’t need to be helped out, you don’t need to be comforted, you don't need to be felt happy for, you don’t need to be listened to and sympathized to. you really don’t need to cause inconvenience for anyone. all you hope to have in return is for them to keep you in the same special place in their hearts as the place you keep them.

it seems, you are not in that place, when their help does not come in the right moment. it seems, you are not in that place, when you don't sense comfort from them in the right moment. it seems, you are not in that place, when they don’t look happy for you in the right moment. it seems, you are not in that place, when they don't act like they listen and sympathize you in the right moment. it seems, you are not in that place, when they don’t appear to be inconveniencing themselves for you in the right moment.

that makes you feel kind of cheated. that makes you feel kind of betrayed. that makes you feel kind of disappointed. you free your heart from these very few, step by step, one by one. by the end of it, your heart is empty. there is plenty of room to select the new very few, to find them a spot in your heart, to help them out when they need it, to comfort them when they are sad, to be happy for them when they are happy, to listen and sympathize them, to inconvenience yourself for them. will you look for them? will you find them? will you care for them? will you want to?

who will they end up being?


большинство людей вокруг тебя это обычные заурядные бездарности, не так ли? но есть и несколько, на удивление совсем несколько, которых ты ценишь, и которые тебе важны. ты пойдешь на многое для них, правда? ты готов помочь им, когда им нужно. ты готов сочувствовать им, когда они грустны. ты готов радоваться за них, когда они радуются. ты готов по-настоящему слушать их и им сопереживать. ты готов причинять себе значительные неудобства ради них. почему ты готов на все это? какое место они занимают в твоем сердце, что делает их такими ценными для тебя?

тебе не нужно, чтобы они вели себя так же по отношению к тебе. ты не ожидаешь и не расчитываешь на это. ты самостоятельный человек, ты зависишь и надеешься лишь на себя самого. тебе не нужна ничья помощь, тебе не нужно ничье сочувствие, тебе не нужно, чтобы за тебя радовались, тебе не нужно, чтобы тебя выслушивали и сопереживали. тебе совсем не нужно, чтобы кто-то причинял себе неудобства ради тебя. единственное, что ты надеешься иметь в ответ, это занимать такое же сокровенное место в их сердцах, как то, где ты держишь их.

кажется, ты не занимаешь это место, когда помощь от них не приходит в нужную минуту. кажется, ты не занимаешь это место, когда ты не ощущаешь от них сочувствия в нужную минуту. кажется, ты не занимаешь это место, когда они не выглядят радостными за тебя в нужную минуту. кажется, ты не занимаешь это место, когда они не ведут себя, как будто, они слушают и сопереживают тебе в нужную минуту. кажется, ты не занимаешь это место, когда непохоже, что они идут на неудобства ради тебя в нужную минуту.

из-за этого ты чувствуешь себя как бы обманутым. из-за этого ты чувствуешь себя как бы преданным. из-за этого ты чувствуешь себя как бы разочарованным. и ты освобождаешь свое сердце от этих нескольких, шаг за шагом, один за одним. в конце концов, твое сердце пусто. теперь есть достаточно места выбрать новых, совсем немногих, найти им место в твоем сердце, помогать им, когда им нужно, сочувствовать им, когда они грустны, радоваться за них, когда они рады, слушать их и им сопереживать, причинять себе неудобства ради них. ты будешь их искать? ты найдешь их? ты будешь заботиться о них? ты будешь этого хотеть?

кем они окажутся?

boring

i am an introvert. my inner world is extremely rich. my outer life is overwhelmingly boring. why is there such a gap? why am i missing on all the fun? does everything around me seem so flat because it is so pitiful comparing to what i want it to be? is it really just so plainly uninteresting? my life is so boring, i want to avoid living it. i hurry up home on the day of my favorite show instead of going out with my so called friends because i rather live the lives of my favorite characters. i can’t wait the social gathering at work to end so i can read my book. i don’t see how it can ever change. i don’t see what i can do to help it.

я интроверт. мой внутренний мир несказанно богат. моя внешняя жизнь невероятно скучна. отчего такая разница? почему все веселье обходит меня стороной? все вокруг выглядит таким серым, потому что это такое жалкое подобие того, что мне бы хотелось иметь? это действительно просто так прозаично неинтересно? моя жизнь так скучна, я хочу избежать ее жить. я спешу домой в день моего любимого кино вместо того, чтобы пойти куда-то с так называемыми друзьями, потому что мне интересней жить жизнь моих любимых персонажей. я не могу дождаться конца банкета на работе, чтобы продолжить читать мою книгу. я не вижу, как это когда-нибудь может изменится. я не вижу, что я могу сделать этому помочь.

liar

what makes you lie? do you lie to make your image more mysterious? do you lie to pretend to be a better person? do you lie to hide your stupidity? do you lie to make up for your irresponsibility? do you lie because you are a pathological liar?

all your lies make your image less and less mysterious. all your lies portray you more and more negatively. all your lies show your stupidity and irresponsibility. all your lies make you look like a pathological liar. is this who you are? do these lies really make up your truth?


что заставляет тебя врать? ты врешь, чтобы сделать свой образ более таинтственным? ты врешь, чтобы казаться лучше, чем ты есть? ты врешь, чтобы скрыть свою глупость? ты врешь, чтобы восполнить свою безответственность? ты врешь, потому что ты не можешь не врать?

твое вранье делает твой образ все менее и менее таинственным. твое вранье изображает тебя более и более негативно. твое вранье демонстрирует твою дурость и безответственность. твое вранье показывает, что ты не можешь не врать. это действительно ты? это вранье и составляет твою сущность?

ordinary?

i am so ordinary, i can’t stand it. i am trying so hard to make believe i am not, to present myself as an interesting person, as somewhat unusual person, and as artsy as i can pull off, but i know the real me. and believe me, there is nothing interesting in there. i practice smocking alone so i seem more experienced doing that in public. i steal money from my family’s wallets so i can have some cash when i go out with friends. that’s just pathetic. i think all these crazy thoughts but if you get to the bottom of them, they are so disgusting, they make me sick. my great grandma’s funeral was today, my father and my uncle showed up at the cemetery, and now my grandma and the rest of the family are gossiping about them since they have not seen them for a while. of course i made a scene. of course i freaked out on them. of course i told them how unforgivably fake they all are. of course i stormed out. i am better than them. i am better than them, sitting here, thinking how sad it is that the great grandma managed to die the day before the play i was really looking forward to seeing.

meant to be?

how many days can you count so far, where you look back and realize a day for what it was meant to be, not for what you made it to be? probably not too many. but likely you can’t recognize them all. it’s not that someone was making it easy for you to figure it out. maybe they were, maybe you were just overly self-absorbed? hold that thought. were you really that stupid? did you really not know or did you pretend not to know? do you think maybe you were just scared? do you think maybe you were too brave?

incredible desire

how does it feel to have an incredible desire to give yourself, to sacrifice yourself, to unconditionally love someone, and yet to have no one to give yourself to, to sacrifice yourself for, and to love? do you pull this desire out of your chest, do you cry out all the pain it causes, and all the emptiness it brings? do you create a person that you can love, that you can devote yourself to, feelings for who you can harbor and nourish? do you look for another passion you can throw yourself in, to preoccupy and exhaust yourself to the point that you don’t have energy to feel? do you simply live with this desire? do you keep looking? do you give up and let it slowly dissolve and disappear with time? do you ever find what you’re looking for? what happens to the original incredible desire afterward?

как это ощущается, иметь неимоверное желание самоотдачи, самопожертвования, неограниченной любви, и при этом не иметь никого, кому хотелось бы отдаться, кому хотелось бы чем-то пожертвовать, и кого хотелось бы любить? ты вырываешь это желание из своей груди, ты рыдаешь от причиняющей боли, и надвигающейся пустоты? ты придумываешь кого-то, кого ты можешь любить, кому ты можешь посвятить себя, чувства к кому ты можешь оберегать и лелеять? ты ищешь иное увлечение, в которое ты можешь окунуться, забыться и обессилить себя до такой степени, что у тебя не остается энергии чувствовать? ты просто живешь с этим желанием? ты продолжаешь искать? ты сдаешься и даешь ему постепенно раствориться и исчезнуть? ты когда-то находишь то, что ты ищешь? что происходит с тем первоначальным неимоверным желанием после этого?


there is a new voting poll here on the right, so please vote in return for reading. letter h turned out to be the letter of the day i guess..

love letter

your existence lets me dream. your presence transforms me into an idiot. your absence makes me cry. thinking of you hurts me. being with you tires and empties me out. is it your fault? is it my choice?

sometimes i look at you and i adore you, sometimes i look at you and i can’t stand you. i am always in pain when i look at you.

does it all seem too fake to you? does it all seem too exaggerating to you? does it all seem too genuine to you? does it all seem too weird to you? does it all seem too made up to you? it does to me too.

please don’t feel sorry for me. please don’t feel pity for me. please don’t blame yourself. please don’t laugh at me. please don’t use me. please love me.


твое существование позволяет мне мечтать. твое присутствие превращает меня в идиота. твое отсутствие заставляет меня плакать. мысли о тебе причиняют мне боль. сосуществование с тобой утомляет и опустошает меня. это твоя вина? это мой выбор?

бывает, я смотрю на тебя, и обожаю тебя, бывает, я смотрю на тебя, и не могу тебя вынести. мне больно всегда, когда я смотрю на тебя.

тебе это кажется слишком фальшивым? тебе это кажется слишком преувеличенным? тебе это кажется слишком откровенным? тебе это кажется слишком странным? тебе это кажется слишком придуманным? мне тоже.

пожалуйста, не переживай за меня. пожалуйста, не чувствуй ко мне жалость. пожалуйста, не упрекай себя. пожалуйста, не смейся надо мной. пожалуйста, не используй меня. пожалуйста, люби меня.

other's heart

the stupid fucking desire for the other person to complete you.. how far are you going to go to accomplish that, to satisfy this ridiculous craving? will you go ahead and rip his heart out to place it into you?

эта идиотская проклятая потребность в другом человеке, который дополнит тебя.. как далеко ты готов пойти, чтобы достичь этого, удовлетворить эту смехотворную страсть? ты пойдешь на то, чтобы вырвать его сердце и вставить в себя?

sentence

you combine words. you make a sentence. how many possibilities in millions of people and millions of words that this sentence has already been created, your thought has already been put into words (maybe even by you long time ago)? you know the chance is pretty high. still you say it, you create your sentence. do you do it because you really need to say it? do you do it because you are yet to find this one out of the millions who already said it? or do you actually think that nobody else has said it the exact way you need to say it right now?

ты складываешь слова. ты составляешь предложение. как много возможностей в миллионах людей и миллионах слов, что это предложение уже было придумано, твоя мысль уже была облачена в слова (может даже тобой когда-то давно)? ты знаешь, шанс достаточно большой. тем не менее ты говоришь его, ты составляешь свое предложение. ты делаешь это потому что тебе очень нужно это сказать? ты делаешь это потому что ты пока не нашел среди миллионов, того, кто уже это сказал? или ты на самом деле думаешь, что никто другой еще не сказал это таким образом, как тебе это нужно сказать сейчас?

you and me

you told me you hate me in my dream. i believe it as strongly as when you told me you love me in my dream. i believe it as strongly as when you told me you don’t need me in my dream. i believe it as strongly as when you looked at me full of despise and did not even say anything in my dream. i believe it as strongly as when you told me you care about me. i believe it as strongly as when you told me you don’t. did i dream these words?

мне приснилось, – ты говоришь, что ненавидишь меня. я верю этому настолько же сильно, как, когда мне приснилось, – ты говоришь, что любишь меня. я верю этому настолько же сильно, как, когда мне приснилось, – ты говоришь, что не нуждаешься во мне. я верю этому настолько же сильно, как, когда мне приснился твой полный презрения взгляд без всяких дополнительных слов. я верю этому настолько же сильно, как и твоим словам, что я дорогой тебе человек. я верю этому настолько же сильно, как и твоим словам, что это нетак. мне приснились эти слова?

empty

you’re writing a story, you’re learning a skill, you’re reading a book, you’re obsessing over someone, you’re counting the calories, you’re rationalizing productivity at your job.. whatever it is you’re doing today, you wake up tomorrow, and you feel something is missing, your focus has shifted. you feel empty. your obsession is over, your motivation is gone, your interest is lost. your dream swallowed it all at once or the series of dreams secretly munched on it for a while. who knows how it happened. it’s just you now, tired and confused, staring at the monstrous hollow emptiness thinking what you can do next. do you have a guess?

ты пишешь рассказ, ты изучаешь что-то новое, ты читаешь книгу, ты поглащен кем-то, ты считаешь калории, ты рационализируешь продактивность на твоей работе.. чем бы это ни было, ты занят сегодня, ты просыпаешься завтра, и ты чувствуешь, что-то отсутствует, твой фокус изменился. ты ощущаешь пустоту. твоя одержимость исчезла, твоя мотивация пропала, твой интерес утерян. твой сон проглатил это все за один раз или серия снов длительно жевали это втихаря. кто знает, как это произошло. это лишь ты, сейчас, наедине сам с собой, усталый и растерянный, таращишся в громадную полую пустоту, думая, чем ты можешь заняться дальше. у тебя есть догадка?

wrong answer?

could it be that this little laughable one-word simple answer is really the answer i am denying myself to acknowledge? let me close my eyes, let me imagine the feel of this answer again and again, over and over, and ask myself for the billionth time if this really can be it. i wish it could.

not cold?

i don’t think i can handle any more pictures of this famous suri cruise kid. she is very cute, don’t get me wrong, but there must be something i don’t understand in her fashion. i even looked it up, am i alone in this thinking? all i could find (besides few other weather concerned loser-mommies like me) was that she is the most fashionable child out there. i am really out of it then. her celebrity parents wear warm pants, jackets and coats, and this kid is always in a dress, mostly in a short-sleeved dress, barelegged, and accompanied by a blanket. i don’t see the kid being wrapped in the blanket, the parents just carry it. maybe the parents bring it in case she gets really cold? maybe they bring it because it looks fashionable? maybe they can’t bear to cover the child in it because it is not fashionable? whatever the reason is – i don’t get it. this is not a baby, this is a toddler, why does she need a blanket to begin with? dressing the child in pants or in pantyhose is not an option for some reason (probably not stylish enough). the jackets or coats are probably not fashionable either (maybe until it snows). the child’s face appears cold to me on all her pictures. i guess that’s what it takes to earn the most fashionable child title. but it really bothers me to see this kid’s photographs.

one on one

am i going to like you? i better come prepared. because i know, if i am going to like you, everything i say will sound crappy, everything i wear will look odd and out of style; i will look ugly, i will seem stupid, i will act humorless. but ask anyone who knows me - i am smart, i am funny and fun, i have a good sense of humor, and i don’t look too bad at all. so you, people that know me, you're better be there. i will be hanging out with you, i will talk to you, and i may just pull it off.. and if i’ll screw our tête-à-tête moments, maybe it will be ok, maybe you will understand that this is just a sign of my affection to you..

where are you, people that know me?

tv shows

i've been watching paris hilton's my new bff show. this is a very happy program. you get to watch paris hilton creating competitions for girls who want to be her friends - very mood lifting activity.

another nice show to watch is john and kate plus 8. you see these guys raising two sets of multiple children, and taking them on all kinds of sponsored adventures, and you get very relaxed.

the other show i watch is heroes. we are on the 2nd season, and, as with the most of the shows, it seems much more boring than the 1st. but it’s not too bad. the only problem i have with this show is that every time mohinder suresh shows up, i can’t follow the plot because i can only think of how handsome this guy is. i am not into indian guys at all, so explain to me what happened there..

somehow i manage to forget most of the story line of any show during the break between the seasons, so i think my new bff is just right for me now. here is the top 10 list of things i learned about paris hilton from this wonderful program:

10. paris hilton needs a friend
9. paris hilton likes pink
8. paris hilton does not like scenes and attitudes
7. paris hilton is popular in japan
6. paris hilton would not consider a straight male for the bff position
5. paris hilton likes animals, but would eat them if they taste good
4. paris hilton can cook
3. paris hilton will call you a pet if she likes you
2. paris hilton has a clothing line she is promoting with the show
1. paris hilton and perez hilton are not the same person


are you voting today? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrw-wRSnGM4

needy

i wish you’d notice me more. i wish i’d understand everything you say, and all your reasonings. i just want to have you whole for myself. i just want to have fun. i just want your attention. i feel confused, small, not very smart, and slightly offended. hold me. tell me nice things. tell me a story.

holidays

new year was my magical holiday when i was little. the creative adults of the family would come up with a script for all of us to act out, we’d have costumes, there would be presents. dressing up the tree was a miracle and meditation in itself. looking at each ornament, finding a right spot for it – it was just so exciting.

the halloween holiday emerged with the birth of the babies. how much fan could it be to dress them up like whatever monsters i want, and make them run around?

happy halloween:)

your hand

your hand feels slightly rough. the sensation of touching your palm feels new. it beams affection, fright, and hope. it seeks assurance. i feel lost. i want time to stop.

insignificance

what hurts more – the questionable act or the lies about it? what hurts more – the questionable act or the realization of your insignificance in the other’s heart? how much pain and fear do you feel suspecting your insignificance? do you hurt back to retain your imaginary self-confidence? does it help? do you think you can accurately project the level of your insignificance in the lives of the others?

что ранит больше – сомнительный поступок или вранье о нем? что ранит больше – сомнительный поступок или осознание своей незначительности в сердце другого? сколько боли и страха ты ощущаешь подозревая свою незначительность? ты ранишь в ответ чтобы сохранить свою воображаемую уверенность в себе? это помогает? ты думаешь, что ты можешь достаточно точно предположить уровень своей незначительности в жизни других?

envy?

do you get envious? what do you feel when your friend or someone you know makes more money than you? when this person is smarter than you? when he is more social and popular than you? what do you feel when this other person is better looking than you? when he is happier in love? what do you feel when this other person just seems to have a better life? do you think that your feeling is what people call envy? it is a threat to you? is it a mockery of you? is it admiration, respect, or plain happiness for this other person? does your answer depend on who this lucky other person is?

у тебя случается, что ты испытываешь зависть? что ты чувствуешь, когда твой друг или знакомый зарабатывает больше денег, чем ты? когда этот человек умнее тебя? когда он более общительный и популярный, чем ты? что ты чувствуешь, когда этот человек красивее тебя? когда он более счастливый в любви? что ты чувствуешь, когда жизнь этого человека просто кажется лучшей, чем твоя? тебе кажется, что это ощущение называется завистью? ты чувствуешь это угрозой тебе, насмешкой над тобой? твое чувство - это восхищение, уважение или простое чувство счастья за этого человека? твой ответ зависит от того, кто именно этот удачливый человек?

the cat

kitty cat is a little anemic, – the vet said yesterday.

my husband had a pet cat when i met him. the cat was a part of the package. i was saying hi to the cat, petting the cat, just as a nice girlfriend should. my dry cleaning bill got high (the cat has a real shedding problem), but that was ok, just a little inconvenience.

we moved in together, the cat really liked scratching all the furniture we bought. the cat developed a problem going to the bathroom, so it’s pan was replaced by this expensive innovative automatic cat pan cleaner that stopped working out as designed pretty soon. but that was ok, just a little inconvenience.

then the babies were born. my sense of smell increased from all the hormones. so my husband came up with this ingenious engineering idea keeping the cat pan in the closet and installing a ventilation system in there that involved making giant holes in the walls of our rental place and putting pipes through them. the smell stopped. the electricity bill increased.

then the cat developed digestive problem where it could not control the bowel movements sometimes. so occasionally i would find its feces on the floor near playing babies. the husband took the cat to the vet, the vet gave the cat some pills, the cat medical bill was paid. the feces remained. one day i got sick cleaning after the cat, and i said, – no more, the cat has to go. luckily for the cat, we already were renovating our new place. the husband took the cat there.

the cat lives in the basement and shits there on the floor periodically. the cat does not get access to go upstairs. the cat has a bathroom built by my husband that’s bigger than ours. the cat shits on the top of the automatic cat pan. the cat looses weight. the cat periodically visits the vet. we periodically pay its bills. the cat’s blood work shows the cat is happy and doing fine. yesterday’s result showed a little anemia.


кошечка слегка анемична, - сказала вчера ветеринар.

мой муж имел кошку, когда я с ним познакомилась. кошка была частью сделки. я здоровалась с кошкой, гладила ее, как и положено вести себя девушке, когда она встречается с парнем, у которого есть кот. мой счет в химчистке значительно увеличился (кошка сильно линяет), но это все ничего, только небольшое неудобство.

мы съехались жить вместе. кошке стало очень нравится царапать нашу новую мебель. у кошки началась проблема ходить в туалет, поэтому коробка с ее песочком была заменена дорогой новой автоматической системой, которая перестала работать, как должна, значительно быстро. но это все ничего, только небольшое неудобство.

потом родились дети. мой нюх страшно увеличился от всех гормонов. мой изобретательный муж придумал гениальный инженерный план держать кошкин туалет в одном из встроенных шкафов, и установить вентилизационную систему, которая включила в себя проделывание огромных дыр в стенах нашей рентованной квартиры, и проводку труб через них. запах пропал. электрический счет повысился.

потом у кошки появилась проблема с пищеварением, и она переодически перестала контролировать свой кишечник. иногда я стала находить ее испражнения на полу, рядом с играющими детьми. муж повел кошку к ветеренару, ветеринар дала кошке какие-то таблетки, кошкин медицинский счет был оплачен. испражнения остались. в один день меня чуть не вырвало от вытирания за кошкой, и я сказала, - конец, с кошкой пора заканчивать. кошке повезло, так как мы уже ремонтировали наш новый дом. муж взял кошку туда.

кошка живет на подвальном этаже и переодически какает на пол. кошке закрыт вход на другие этажи. кошкин туалет, построенный мужем, больше, чем наш. кошка какает на стены автоматической коробки с песком. кошка теряет вес. кошка переодически навещает ветеринара. мы переодически платим за эти визиты. кошкины анализы показывают, что с ней в целом все нормально и ей хорошо. вчера результаты показали легкую анемию.

work ethics

- tick-tock -

i don’t think anyone can pull off jack bauer, wouldn't you agree? can you do chloe?

only 4 minutes to save the world over here..

- tick-tock -

longing

what would it take to sit you near me, to be able to take apart my defense system, to take apart my insecurities, and just tell you the raw truth about everything as i know it. but you know my truth, you don’t need me to tell you anything. you feel my truth, you feel my soul. you just want to sit near me, to be able to take apart your defense system, to take apart your insecurities, and tell me the raw truth about everything as you know it. but i know your truth, i don’t need you to tell me anything. i feel your truth, i feel your soul.

your truth is yours, my truth is mine.


что возьмет посадить тебя рядом со мной, суметь снять всю свою защитную систему, снять все свои комплексы и рассказать тебе полную безукрасную правду обо всем насколько я ее понимаю. но ты знаешь мою правду, тебе не нужно ничего от меня слушать. ты чувствуешь мою правду, ты чувствуешь мою душу. ты только хочешь сесть радом со мной, суметь снять с себя всю свою защитную систему, снять все свои комплексы и рассказать мне полную безукрасную правду обо всем, насколько ты ее понимаешь. но я знаю твою правду, мне не нужно ничего от тебя слушать. я чувствую твою правду, я чувствую твою душу.

твоя правда - твоя, моя правда - моя.

perception

you are who i choose you to be. you will look down on me if i decide to idealize you. you will be intimidated by me if i decide to make fun of you. be careful before approaching me, i may decide to be indifferent.

choices

you bet, you risk, you gamble. you make choices. you seek choices, life seems very boring without them. you choose relationships, you choose careers, you choose your image, you choose fashion. choosing is hard, but not having anything to choose from is harder. then you stop choosing and you accept the choices you made. is this a sign of laziness? is it a sign of being a grown-up? is it a sign of accepting yourself? is it a sign of giving up?

divorce

if we put aside the desire to have a dream wedding with prince charming and to satisfy the socially defined coupling, are there any other reasons to get married? the marriage ends in one of two ways – death or divorce. there isn’t much to think about death upon your decision to get married, except wishing for it to delay itself as much as possible. but the divorce – here you need to decide in advance if you want to take your chances. does the act of marriage adds anything else to a relationship except a desire to commit? can you have this desire without the ring? are you really willing to restrict yourself to being with a person in like 20 years, when you have no idea who both of you will become? is there a purpose for such a commitment? is it easier to commit and live with it or is it easier to give yourself the benefit of the doubt? is it easier to end a non-married relationship? would you think the same if you lived on an island with no one to judge you?

если мы отбросим в сторону желание сказочной свадьбы с очаровательным принцем и желание удовлетворить общепринятое понятие пары, мы найдем другие причины для желания выйти замуж? брак заканчивается одним из двух – смертью или разводом. смерть не наводит особых размышлений, когда ты думаешь о браке, кроме надежды, что это произойдет как можно позже. но развод – тут приходится заранее решать или ты готова на риск. брак добавляет что-либо к отношениям, кроме желания обязать себя? можно ли иметь это желание без колец? ты действительно готова ограничить себя обязательствами к человеку через скажем лет 20, когда ты не имеешь никакого понятия, кем вы оба станете? в этом обязательстве есть какая-то нужда? что проще – обязаться и жить с этим, или дать себе возможность сомнения? это действительно проще - обрывать не женатую связь? ты считала бы так же, живя на острове, без никого, кто готов осуждать тебя?



i am far from being britney spears’ fan, but this new video of hers is very fun and one of the best workout songs out there, and it’s very addictive - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-23etoh43m&feature=user (replaced with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZSLIq6YiRY) or just search for womanizer

communications

email is a modern day telegram. the telegraph (far-write) existed in the world since 1792. then this italian guy came up with the telephone (far-voice) idea in 1844. it was just an idea at the time, and the concept of voice transmission was much more mysterious (and more expensive upon the actual invention) than the traditional transmission of words. what did these guys know about texting? my phone rang today. someone called me on the telephone to have a conversation! and it was not my mother! i could hardly believe it.

reproduction

you know your purpose on this earth is to make a child. you are not yet ready to get pregnant. you need to have protected sex. that’s the only sex you know. you do that for years. the day happens, you say – this is it - we want to have children. you are excitingly nervous. you’re going to vacation, you’re coming back with a baking baby. you tell that to your friends. this is your plan. you build your life by your plans. this is who you are.

nothing is happening. you tell yourself – this is normal. you tell yourself – it is ok, it will happen, it just takes more time. you are a control freak, you can’t really feel this way. you can only tell yourself how you should feel. you start reading. you start panicking. you start doing tests. you start buying products. you start lying. sex becomes a challenge. you become someone else.


ты знаешь, твое назначение на этой планете это родить ребенка. пока ты не готова к беременности. ты занимаешься безопасным сексом. это единственныый секс, который ты знаешь. ты практикуешь его годами. приходит день, ты говоришь, - все, мы хотим иметь детей. твое состояние возбужденно нервозное. ты едешь в отпуск, ты вернешься с пекущимся младенцем. ты говоришь это своим друзьям. это твой план. ты строишь жизнь по своим планам. это ты.

ничего не происходит. ты говоришь себе – это нормально. ты говоришь себе, это бывает, это случается, это только займет больше времени. ты должна держать все под контролем, ты не можешь так чувствовать на самом деле. ты можешь только внушать это себе. ты начинаешь читать. ты начинаешь паниковать. ты начинаешь ходить на осмотры. ты начинаешь покупать товары. ты начинаешь врать. секс становится задачей. ты становишься другой.

trio

there are double beds in a room, there are double seats in a bus. society assumes you travel in couples, you live in couples. when you’re solo, you’re either alone or you’re getting a neighbor and a new friend. what when you are the third?

you walk on a bus, one girlfriend in front, one girlfriend behind. they both want to sit with you. the one behind - she is your reason to get on that bus, the one in front - she is how you got on that bus. you gotta pick one. there is one you want to pick, there is one you should pick.

from now on you will fuck the appropriate, you will never be on that bus again.



в комнатах по две кровати, в автобусах места по двое. в обществе полагается, ты путешествуешь парами, ты живешь парами. когда ты один, ты либо сам по себе, либо ты находишь соседа и нового приятеля. что, когда ты третий?

ты идешь в автобусе, подруга cпереди, подруга сзади. они обе хотят сидеть с тобой. та, что за тобой - она причина, по которой ты на этом автобусе, та, что впереди – благодаря ей ты на этом автобусе. тебе нужно выбрать. одну ты хочешь выбрать, другую тебе полагается выбрать.

с этих пор ты пошлешь общепринятое, ты никогда больше не окажешься на этом автобусе.

blabbering

do you wish you could shut your mouth sometimes? does your desire to talk about you forces exposing others? do you end up creating a bridge for someone to get to know someone else, someone whom you wanted to keep hidden? you know - you built it, you know – it was your fault, you know – it was not gossip, just your need to be heard. you know – you’re going to pay for it. you just don’t yet know how, and for how long.

тебе бы хотелось научиться держать свой рот закрытым хоть иногда? твое желание говорить о себе порождает слова о других? ты создаешь кому-то мост, через который можно узнать о ком-то другом, о том, кого ты хотел держать спрятанным? ты знаешь - ты сам это построил, ты знаешь - это твоя вина, ты знаешь – это не было сплетничаем, просто твоей потребностью самовыражения. ты знаешь – ты будешь рассплачиваться за это. ты только пока не знаешь как, и как долго.

deep sleep

what is your best quality? mine is certainly a deep sleep. that quality has never let me down. plane, train, car, home, hotel, camping, you name it – no problems going to the dreamland. how else could you roommate a friend and her boyfriend in the same room for quite sometime, and have a great relationship with both of them?

how else could you stand living in a pioneer camp for a month of every summer? the boys sometimes sneak into girls’ rooms and paint their faces with toothpaste. then everyone see your face smeared with dry toothpaste the next morning and make fun of you. when the first thing you do upon waking up is touching your face to make sure the past night did not let you down, did not make a clown out of you. but the worst stunt the kids do – they place a fern leaf under your mattress. you wake up and you find out you wet your bed. how embarrassing.. how else can you escape your fear but go to sleep?

how can you not appreciate enough this magical ability of yours where you can switch your reality and your dreams in an instant? how useful this trick can be at the times when watching a dream is the only reason to keep going you can find?

madonna

i went to my first madonna’s concert with my cousin, who offered the extra ticket not to her cool and hip friends, but to me. yesterday i went again. it was really fun. i think she is a great artist with the best shows. even her propaganda did not bother me, it seemed part of her and her show. she did not get to perform voices - my favorite song from the hard candy cd, but that’s ok.

i discovered madonna when i realized i can deliver mail at least twice faster listening to her songs. before, i thought i was too intelligent for her music.

here is my favorite non-exercise song of hers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cULYyeBO7yc&feature=related. i also have another version of this song with french words that you will not find anywhere else – my overwhelmingly smart husband extracted it from the credits section of the confessions tour dvd. i can email it to you if you want.

p.s. - apparently, the gypsy friends on madonna’s concert were russian guys - kolpakov trio that are friends of another madonna’s friend - eugene hutz of googol bordello.

here is a pair of good shoes - http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/fashion/2008/10/14/2008-10-14_madonna_kills_in_chanel_pistol_heels_at_-1.html . she wore them to the premiere of the filth and wisdom movie in ny, and this is the trailer for this very promising piece of cinema - http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2222194713/

two-faced woman

we call her a two-faced woman. she is a simple old lady who just lost her dog. but we don’t know it yet. we crave adventure. the world is full of interesting stuff, it’s all around us, we just can’t see it. we need to pay more attention, focus on everything we see. we notice something. there is a little grave in a secluded area of the neighborhood park. that seems suspicious. we watch it every day for hours – guilty always comes back to the crime scene. we see her. she comes, she stays there for a little while, she leaves. we follow her. now we know the building where she lives. this is serious. we establish a watch team. there are five of us. we take turns. we figure out her apartment number. we go in. we are the pioneers, we tell her, ready to do her chores. she thanks us, but no, she does not need any help. she does not want us around, she does not want us to see what she does. we keep watching her. we see her going to the morgue. that’s just over the top. we take a piece of paper and we write WTWTM - why two-faced woman went to morgue. we throw ideas and write them down. the next day we need to keep an eye on her as much as we can. but shit, we have the weekly class meeting tomorrow. we skip it. the two-faced woman does not leave her house that day. we try to explain the dangerous situation to our teacher that asks for explanation about the missed hour. she listens very attentively, seems to understand our worries, but still asks us not to skip class meetings again. so far we did not make much progress in our investigation. we need to take extreme measures. we dig the grave. we find bones. one of us claims to be able to tell corpse’s origin by looking at the bone structure. she thinks it’s some kind of an animal. that’s it, an animal? but what was she doing in the morgue the other day? we can’t really rely on this friend’s opinion, she is not qualified. we need to keep following and watching. the next day we see the suspect crying by the violated grave. another woman tries to comfort her. they see us. the friend of the two-faced woman starts talking to us. how dare are you kids, - she says, - this old woman just lost her husband, and she lost her dog recently, and you came here and you vandalized the dog’s grave. we feel embarrassed, we feel stupid and ashamed, and we leave.

мы зовем ее двуличной. она простая старая женщина, недавно потерявшая свою собачку. но мы пока этого не знаем. мы жаждем приключений. мир полон интересных вещей, они повсюду вокруг нас, мы просто их не видим. мы должны быть внимательней, тщательно анализировать все, что попадается нам на глаза. мы что-то замечаем - маленькая могилка в безлюдном уголке нашего парка. это выглядит подозрительно. мы наблюдаем за ней каждый день часами – виновный всегда приходит к месту приступления. мы видим ее. она приходит, немного стоит около могилы, она уходит. мы идем за ней. теперь мы знаем дом, где она живет. это серьезно. мы организовываем команду присмотра за субъектом. нас пятеро. мы следим по очереди. мы вычисляем ее квартиру. мы стучим в дверь – мы пионеры-тимуровцы, готовые помогать ей – пожилой женщине. она благодарит нас, но нет, ей не нужна помощь. она не хочет нас в своей квартире, она не хочет, чтобы мы видели, чем она занимается. мы продолжаем следить за ней. мы видем ее входящей в морг. это уже слишком. мы берем лист бумаги и пишем ЗПДВМ - зачем пошла двуличная в морг. мы высказываем и записываем наши догадки. на следующий день мы должны наблюдать за ней, насколько возможно. черт, у нас завтра классный час. мы его прогуливаем. двуличная не выходит из дома в этот день. мы пытаемся обьяснить опасную ситуацию нашей классной руководительнице, которая требует объяснения прогула. она внимательно слушает, похоже, что она понимает наши переживания, но тем не менее, просит нас не пропускать классные часы. пока мы не достигли особого прогресса в нашем расследовании. мы принимаем экстримальные меры. мы раскапываем могилу. мы находим кости. одна из нас говорит, что умеет определять оригинал трупа по составу костей. ей кажется, что это какое-то животное. всего-лишь животное? но что-же эта женщина делала в морге? мы не можем относится серьезно к мнению этой подруги, откуда она знает о костях. нам надо продолжать наблюдения. на следующий день мы видим плачущую подозреваемую около раскопаной могилы. другая женщина утешает ее. они видят нас. подруга двуличной обращается к нам. как вам, дети, не стыдно, - у этой старушки только умер муж, а недавно у нее умерла собака, а вы пришли сюда, и раскопали могилу этой собаки. нам стыдно, мы чувствуем себя по-дурацки, и мы уходим.

porn

i got access to some porn. this stuff looks nasty. it does not matter, it should not be hidden from everyone like that, it has to become public domain. i need to make copies of these photos. the only technique available is photographing the prints and re-printing them. there are few issues with this plan – i don’t have a camera that can do this, i don’t have a private space to neither take these photos, nor to dry the developed roll of film. no need to worry - all these are solvable problems. obstacle one – camera. i have a photographer neighbor. i need to persuade him and my mother that i have some school project. i am good – i get the camera to borrow for one day. next issue – photo shooting. i have a grandparent per every square foot of my apartment at all times, this project gotta be done some place else. my friend has a grandma too. one grandma will not really stop us, will she? this is the brilliant plan – me and my friend are going to skip few hours of school, go to her house --> the grandma will open the door --> my friend will get in. --> she will secretly let me in. --> my friend will leave. --> i will stay at her apartment. the grandma will not know of my presence (she is old and does not see or hear that great). --> i will let my friend in. --> we will quietly go to her room, and we’ll take the pictures there.--> we’ll leave. ok, so far so good. we are now at the execution of the last step – quietly proceeding to her room. grandma assumes nobody is in the house with her. shit, we just accidentally made some noise. grandma is following us, thinking she got intruders in there. at this point we reserve to the only instant and possible solution – we run to the balcony, and we lock the door behind us. grandma sees us, but she can’t see what we are doing there. we take pictures of porn. we are done. my friend’s grandma is nice, she does not yell at us that much. we now have a roll of film. i return the camera and the originals. next we need to develop negatives. another issue i can’t do at my house, i have no way to hang a developed roll to dry without it being noticed. my friend seems to think she got a safe spot behind her wardrobe closet. the only thing here – if my family finds it, i’d survive, if her mother finds it – she would undoubtedly kill her. we take the risk of survival. the roll hangs there behind the closet for 2 days. success! i take the negatives, and i develop them in the bathroom in my apartment. quality is much worse compare to the originals, but you could kind of see. we take the photos to school and show them to the girls.

я достала порн. выглядит достаточно мерзко. не важно – дело не в этом, искусство должно принадлежать народу, его нельзя хранить в тайне. я должна сделать копии этих фотографий. единственная существуемоя для этого возможность - сфотографировать эти фотографии и напечатать их. для осуществления этого плана сущесвуют несколько препятствий – у меня нет фотоаппарата, который может это делать, у меня нет никакого уединенного места ни для того, чтобы сфотографировать эти кадры, ни чтобы сушить проявленную пленку. нет повода для переживаний – это все решимые проблемы. первое дело – фотоаппарат. мой сосед – фотограф. мне нужно уговорить его и мою маму, что у меня какой-то школьный проект. я знаю свое дело – мне одалживают аппарат на день. следующее препятствие – съемки. у меня дома либо бабушка, либо дедушка на каждом квадратном метре, эта операция должна быть проведена в каком-то другом месте. у моей подруги тоже есть бабушка. одна бабушка нам не помеха, не так ли? вот наш гениальный план – мы с подругой сбежим со школы на пару часов и пойдем к ней домой --> ее бабушка откроет дверь --> моя подруга зайдет в дом --> она секретно пустит меня --> подруга уйдет --> я останусь в ее квартире незамечанной (бабушка не очень хорошо видит и слышит) --> я открою дверь подруге --> мы пойдем в ее комнату и тихонько сфотографируем наши фотографии. --> мы уйдем. пока все идет по плану. мы на нашем последнем шагу – тихонько перебираемся в комнату. черт, мы случайно задели что-то и наделали шум. бабушка устремляется в нашу сторону, подозревая грабителей. нам ничего не остается, кроме того, как принять моментальное и единственное возможное решение – мы бежим на балкон, и закрываем за собой дверь на ключ. бабушка видит нас, но она не видит, что мы там делаем. мы фотографируем порн. закончено. подругина бабушка относится с пониманием, она особо на нас не кричит. теперь у нас есть снятая пленка. я возвращаю фотоаппарат и оригиналы. следующий шаг – проявление негативов. еще одна задача, для работы над которой, не подходит моя квартира, там нет ни одного уголка, где висячая пленка останется незамеченной. моей подруге кажется, что она пожет повесить пленку в проеме за шкафом. правда ситуация тут такая – если моя семья найдет такую пленку, я останусь в живых, если мама моей подруги найдет этот шедевр искусства – она бесспорно ее убъет. мы выбираем рисковать жизнью. пленка висит за шкафом два дня. удалось! я беру готовую пленку и печатаю фотографии в нашей ванной. качество, конечно, гораздо хуже, но ничего, можно увидеть. мы берем фотографии в школу и показываем их девченкам.

vote

this seems to be the hottest topic these days. yes, please vote on the election too, sure. but i, in my limited world of reality, just simply talking about voting on this blog of mine here. it’s been here for a month! you gotta agree - you should give something back for reading it, i even came up with the selections - all that’s left for you to do is click! don’t you think you should contribute somehow after reading my provocative posts? click the button and vote right here:
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(right under the donkey)

yes, this is all i will tell you today.

insecurities

the other day, my friend and i were talking about a guy we knew when we were little, who was obviously homosexual, but who had no idea about it at the time, and neither did any of us. you talk to gay people in this country, you watch these tv shows, and you see how difficult it gets sometimes to come out of a closet here in open-minded america, but can you imagine overcoming it in freaking ukraine in the 80s? and it’s not just about all these free expression and education issues, it’s about the mentality you get raised in, and on top of that, the insecurities you’re born with and you grow with. hey, how many times did i myself wondered how would it be to have sex with a woman for example? but can you imagine ever overcoming your insecurities for these kinds of experiments? no way! how strange all these sex and the city like shows seem sometimes when you yourself have problems telling the truth about things like your first sexual encounter, the sexual fears or pleasures especially when you are young and when these discussion are especially needed and the most relevant? and i am not talking about openly discussing these issues in public, i am talking about sharing them with your close friends. these friends really gotta pull it out of you, and they don’t get much anyway do they? but if we can’t share these things with the real friends, then what do we call them friends for? should not they be called social pals at best? but most likely they are your friends, they are just as insecure about everything as you are.

пару дней назад мы говорили с подругой про парнишку, с которым мы дружили в детстве, и кто явно был голубым, но ни он, ни мы не имели об этом никакого понятия. ты общаешься с гомосексуалистами в этой стране, смотришь все эти современные передачи, и ты видишь, как сложно бывает открыть реальность и себе и окружающим в широко-кругозорной восприимчивой америке, а представь себе украину восьмидесятых? и дело не только в свободе выражения, слова, и соответственного образования, дело в ментальности, в которой ты вырос, и, в первую очередь, в коплексах, с которыми ты родился и сросся. сколько раз мне самой казалось интересным, как бы это было переспать с женщиной, например. но можно ли представить возможность когда-либо побороть свои комлексы для такого рода эксперементов? никогда! как нелепо бывает выглядят эти “секс и город” подобные шоу, когда тебе самой сложно признаться в таких вещах, как например, первый сексуальный опыт, сексуальные страхи или удовольствия, особенно в юности, и когда paзговоры на эти темы наиболее актуальны и нужны. и я не говорю про публичную открытость, я говорю про возможность поделиться этим с близкими подругами. эти подруги должны хорошо постараться, чтобы вытащить из тебя какое-то подобие правды, и в результате, они не узнают от тебя многого, не так ли? но если мы не можем поделиться этими размышлениями с близкими подругами, то подруги ли они или просто приятельницы? скорее всего, они таки да твои подруги, они просто имеют точно такие же комплексы, как и ты.

little house

you like winter. you see a little warm wooden house in deserted mountains surrounded by snowy trees in your dreams. i see that dream. i see it so well. i see myself in that house. i wake up and i cry.