fears

the world thinks you’re a bit crazy. the world thinks you’re smart. the world thinks you’re pragmatic. the world thinks you’re tough. you’re full of fears. you look inward – you’re scared. you look into future – you’re scared. your world has changed, you’re not used to it, you’re not sure how to handle it. you put your hand on your heart to listen to the beat. in your mind, you impatiently cross each day off your mental calendar when you go to bed. you count days forward, you count them in reverse. you get used to it. you get used to your fears. your fears don’t scare you as much anymore. you think you’re a bit crazy. you think you’re smart. you think you’re pragmatic. you think you’re tough. you think you can handle this. you think everything will be just fine.

phases

i envy artists. not only they are cool, not only they get to do what they like, not only they can explore their creativity, but they also able to define their life phases. you can take a brush and paint all in blue colors while you feel like it, and then, when your world is no longer blue, you throw that blue boring paint out, you reach for the pink one, you start your new work. how lucky are you? phases. periods. you get them too, right? how can you, untalented inartistic mediocre asshole, find ways to express your little insignificant life periods? can you do it in your client meetings? can you do it in your programming code? can you do it counting your company’s finances? how can you mark phases of your life?

friends at work

sometimes you make friends at your work. sometimes friends at your work make you feel ignorant. sometimes friends at your work make you feel clueless. sometimes friends at your work make you feel intimidating. sometimes friends at your work make you feel insecure. sometimes friends at your work make you feel annoying. sometimes friends at your work make you feel stubborn.

your friends at work just want to do a good job. you just want to do a good job. your friends at work just disagree with you on something work related. you just feel pressured, you just feel stressed. your friends at work just feel pressured, your friends at work just feel stressed.

will you remember your friends at work few years from now? will you remember your work few years from now? would you like your friends at work to remain your friends few years from now? would you like your work to remain your work few years from now? do you think your friends at work will be your friends few years from now? do you think your work will be your work few years from now?

routine

would you rather go out with your friends or with your mother when you are a kid? of course, you prefer your friends. your friends are cool, your friends are fun, you have so much in common. your mother has a lot in common with you as well, but the common ground there is your routine daily life. that is boring. then one day you find a girl or a boy you like, you start dating. that person is cool, that person is fun, you have so much in common. the next thing – the date becomes your boyfriend or girlfriend, the next thing – you live together, the next thing – you have your own family. would you rather go out with your friends or with your significant other when you’ve been together for a while?

bathroom

i bought a new potty for my kids and placed it in the bathroom. my daughter walked in and sat on it. knock-knock, who is there? - asked my son. it’s your sister on the potty. can i come in? - asked my son. sure, come on in. he walked in and sat on the step-stool. the kids started playing. knock-knock, who is there? – asked my husband home early off his work. we all are. can i come in? – asked my husband. sure, go ahead. he walked in, and sat on the lid of the toilet. they started reading books. knock-knock, who is there? – asked my mother visiting today..

that is our current life. bathroom is our family room, bathroom is our lounge room. we spend hours in there. we do everything in there. another potty (the same as the potty that both of the kids like) will be delivered to us next week. i am not sure where i will find room for it in there.

they build themselves a better bigger bathroom and all fit in there perfectly, - is an unlikely ending of this one.

we like potty training. how long does it take again?

spinning top toy

our kids have a spinning top toy. it broke a while ago, and would not spin. my husband tried fixing it, my father tried fixing it, my stepfather tried fixing it. the toy remained broken. my <3 year old son tried fixing it yesterday. he concentrated. he worked hard. he fixed the top toy.

wedding

my little cousin is getting married. my children are 1 month old. i am sleep deprived, i am very hormonal, i am breastfeeding exclusively. the children must be attached to my breasts every 3 hours. the feeding process alone takes about 40 minutes, followed by about 10 minutes of burping. the wedding location is about 2 hours drive. of course i am going to attend. my mother’s family is invited as well. we rent a hotel room 5 minutes drive from the wedding venue. we alternate. first, my mother goes to party. my first breastfeeding round begins. by the end of it, the ceremony is about to end. my stepfather drives my mom to the hotel room, he drives me and my husband to the venue. he drives himself back to help babysitting. we watch the end of the ceremony. the bride is beautiful, the dress is amazing. now is the time for everyone to take a break and to move to the dinning area. we socialize, we are getting entertained. by the time waiters ask for our dinner choice, we need to go back for the round two. we order for my mother, we attempt to explain this to the waiters. i am hungry as hell, my cortisol is high, my estrogen is high. my stepfather brings us some entries the waiters managed to pack for us. he drives back to the party. i stay to breastfeed. another hour passes by, we go back to celebrate. my mother goes back to the room. we get to eat some desert, we get to talk to the relatives, we get to dance a little. the celebration is ending. the music is ending. i call my mother that it’s over, they should pick us up, we should leave. my mother does not pick up her phone for 30 minutes. the phone is on the silent mode in her bag. now we can’t leave because we have to wait for the next feeding. we leave around 1am.

this was the first night my daughter slept 6 hours straight. my son slept 4, it was pretty good too. i am very happy i went to the wedding. i saw my cousin getting married, i got a fun story to remember and to tell, and i saw hope that my kids will sleep at night one day.

music class

hello everybody, we are so glad to see you.. on my left, there is a cylon model #2 from battlestar galactica and his cylon daughter. the next in the circle is robert barone from everybody loves raymond with his cheerful child, and his typical brooklynite wife. the next couple is joey tribbiani from friends, his nice friendly wife, and their two kids. then go the boy/girl twins accompanied by toystory’s buzz lightyear and shrek’s princess fiona parents. there is also the instructor – this plumpy little bold papa smurf character. these are some of our music class for babies companions. we attend this class every sunday. we sing what the teacher sings, we do what the teacher does. our kids like the music class.

mystery brownie

the brownie is sitting here making a fool out of me. don’t laugh at me, you stupid brownie.

the girl that cleans our house comes every other week. after her last visit, a brownie was found in a little package in the basement. we preserved it, we put it in the refrigerator. we assumed the girl forgot to eat it and left it there. yesterday she came to clean again. as she was leaving, i remembered about the brownie. i told her it’s in the refrigerator, and still must be good. the girl gave me a surprised suspicious look. she said she does not think she ever left a brownie. i told her to check it in the fridge. she did not take the brownie. it was not her brownie.

how did you get here, stupid brownie? who are you? why are you here?

matrix

i fell asleep watching the first matrix movie in a theater. the concept seemed way too sci-fi for me to comprehend. it feels so real to me now.

you are carrying purchased toilet paper from a local supermarket. you update your facebook status to 'waiting for american idol finale' using your telephone on your way home. you look forward to playing warcraft with your fellow avatar friends. you meet people every day. you enjoy the conversations, you have fun. you will never touch any of them. they are people, they exist, they are real. are you?

you think, you type. here you are, in your virtual reality. does it feel right? does it feel real? is it real? how far are you from letting your body just sit there feeding energy to the machine? does your mind feel happy? then you must be happy. mind is in control.

how far am i from getting older? how far am i from making fun of the new and modern? am i rejecting it? what am i presently doing?

kill a cat

dedicated to all the cats – dead, alive, barely alive, and on the way to meet their creator.

how much does it cost to kill a cat? a person generally gets a cat to have a cozy furry companion, and normally a person understands the responsibilities that go along with owning a pet. as a cat owner, you must feed your animal, you must provide it with a clean bathroom and the ease of going there. you must occasionally play with the cat or otherwise entertain it to keep the pet happy. you also must be willing to accept few inconveniences of owning a cat, such as scratched furniture, cat hair covered clothes, and occasional urination. eventually, the time comes when the animal is no longer a pleasant companion but pretty much a burden. the cat gets old, the cat gets sick, the cat gets ugly, the cat needs medical care. it’s not like you can open a door for your cat to join all the stray cats that hung out behind your backyard, part with it, and hope that it will remember all the good times you had. this is your freaking pet, you are responsible for it. can you go to a vet, show him your pitiful miserable creature, ask the vet to inject the animal with a lullaby drug, say your last prayers, and wish the cat the best in its next life? you wish, you could. the more humane the vet acts regarding your animal, the more video games he can buy for his kids. this pattern is not intentional, it just works out this way. the vet thinks he has to thoroughly examine your disintegrating animal and provide it with the best possible care. each exam is followed by a set of medications, followed by another exam. the vet does not think you have the right to give up on your pet. the vet does not think money should be an issue. the vet is treating your animal the same way a doctor is treating your family member, your friend. you treat your cat as your pet, as an animal you once chose to own for some reason. you know the cat’s place. you know its place in your life, you know its place in your heart. you are the one who defined it. you are not allowed to define it anymore. no, not on it’s death bed. you are allowed to pay the bills. you are allowed to wonder – how much does it cost to kill a cat.

reincarnation

do you believe in reincarnation? does a thought of taking part in an experiment ever cross your mind? do you feel belonging to a group of people that keep reincarnated constantly working on their karma? do you find it refreshing and entertaining? do you find it repetitive and exhausting? how do you like this alteration?

ukrainian girl

i am the last ukrainian girl in new york. i put my embroidered shirt on, i put my flowered wreath on, i put my red miniskirt on, i put my authentically threaded apron on, i put my red boots on. here i go. i am ready to embarrass myself. look at me. i am the last ukrainian girl in new york.

media

i prefer fiction to reality. i’d rather watch a movie than a news channel, i’d rather read a book than a newspaper. reality is idiotic. politics are complicated, boring, and sad. i don’t mind being ignorant and unaware. sometimes, the information slips in despite my deliberate mindlessness. occasionally, the information is interesting. most of the time, however, the information reassures me in my chosen ignorance. here is the top 10 list of news i recently overheard on major (repeat major) media sites and channels:

10. the price of the metrocard will be increased
9. some old and ugly british woman overwhelmed judges on a contest show in england with her incredible voice
8. a guy was meeting up women through craigslist and murdering them, and there is a concern now that craigslist is dangerous
7. egypt is killing all their pigs to protect the citizens from swine flu
6. many mothers don’t allow their children to go to dates, playdates, and prom nights in fear of swine flu
5. there is a swine flu epidemic in mexico
4. jon from jon and kate plus 8 reality show was caught running away from paparazzi with another woman
3. the likeliness of you to divorce is found proportional to the number of your not smiling childhood photographs
2. ashton kutcher got 1 million followers on twitter faster than cnn got them
1. economy is pretty bad at the moment

audience

how often do you feel incompetent? how often do you feel helpless? how often do you feel vulnerable? how often do you feel incompetent, helpless, and vulnerable knowing that your audience envisions you as strong, confident, and sure? do you hide your feelings, do you suppress them in order not to disappoint your audience? do you hide them out of fear that your audience would like you less? do you hide them out of fear that your audience would like themselves less seeing you this way? do you never feel incompetent, helpless, and vulnerable? who is your audience?

ues

it started on a bus. i looked around. the only people i saw were these intelligent looking, pretty and handsome guys and girls. the bus stopped in front of a museum. i looked around. the only people i saw inside were these even more intelligent looking, more pretty, more handsome guys and girls. they were young. some spoke with accents, some spoke in foreign languages. we walked to a vegan restaurant nearby. i looked around. it seemed we were following the pretty, the handsome, the intelligent, the young. or maybe they were following us? next time i want pretty, i want handsome, i want young, i want intelligent – look for me there.

love story

at first i loved you. i could not be apart from you, i could not think of anything but you. i could not live without being with you. then i could not love you anymore. i loved the memories of you. i loved everything you ever said, every look you ever looked. i could not live without remembering you. then there were no more memories left. i could not love them anymore. i created your image and i loved that. i imagined your appearance, i imagined your life, i imagined your thoughts. i could not live without imagining you. then i could not imagine anymore. i just needed to love you. i could not love you. i could live.

spoiled

you’re spoiling me. it scares me when you do that. i know you. i know you like me to be scared. i know you like me to lose guard. i know you like me to want more. i know you like me to feel in control. i don’t like being spoiled. i don’t like being off guard. i don’t like wanting more. i don’t like feeling in control. i don’t like changes. i like you.

red

you are crossing a street. you feel blinded by the red beam of a traffic light. your fingers feel numb, your legs, your toes feel numb. your head feels wet, you are not sure if you are sweating or if it’s raining. all you see is red. you hear silence.

dark

what creature are you? your eyes change color when it becomes dark, you facial lines change directions, your lips change shape. as soon as the moon shows up, you look different, you act different. i like you this way. i like you when it’s dark. i should never tell this to you.

girl

a teenage girl is sitting on the steps of a brownstone holding a cell phone and a yellow balloon smocking a cigarette. a garbage track comes by. she gets up. she throws the cell phone and the yellow balloon in the track and walks away. she keeps walking down the street. you stand and keep watching her until you can’t see her anymore.

recharge

do you feel gloomy? do you feel tired? do you feel worried? do you feel worthless? load gogol bordello to your ipod, put on your sneakers, go outside. see what happens.

dehumanization

when i was young learning about the holocaust and then stalinism, i always felt tremendous sense of tragic horrible mistake. there were oppressed and oppressive, and it was obvious to me who was good and bad. what i could not understand was how millions of others were able to coexist with what was happening. how so many people could have been so wrong, how the world could have been different if they were voicing their thought and fears. i understood they were afraid to tell the others, but i could not understand why would they think the others were unlike them. i thought that the conversations could have caused a public riot, could have changed history. i could not understand how so many people could have been so wrong about human nature. i thought human nature was to be kind, to not kill, to be honest, to expect the same of others.

later i came to think that the human nature is to let to be brainwashed by the one with the most power or the most oratory skills. later i came to think that the human nature is to let others decide on important matters concerning others. later i came to think that the human nature is to avoid getting to extreme or dangerous situations. it is in your nature to want to stay away while you can in hopes to protect yourself if you are neither a humanity hater, nor a wannabe superhero.

i also realized the human nature is to adapt to any given situation regardless how far off it is. the more dehumanized a person gets, the more impossible it is for him to describe or mentally relive the experience. the more extreme, inhumane conditions are, the more similar oppressed and oppressive become. both act their best based on what they’ve got. something made the oppressive to take the job. he acts his best with being one. unless he is a true killer or incredibly brave, the best he got is blocking it out. something made the oppressed to be captured. he acts his best with being one. he acts his best to survive, he acts his best to block it out.

the reader movie is the inspiration for this post. an uneducated simpleminded 20 year old girl, probably an orphan, becomes ss guard. she is not a hero, she is not a killer, she just does her job well, she guards. here is another young girl – she is there because she is captured and she is jewish. she is not a hero, she is not a killer, she tries to survive. you see a sad lonely old woman in prison, and a successful park avenue bitch, and does it look like justice or does it look like a sequence of more or less random circumstances that can happen to anyone?

yourself

can you say that you know who you are? can you say that you know the truth about your desires, behaviors, reasons, and motives? do you feel like each day alters your personality somewhat? do you feel that today you are a bit different person from whom you were yesterday? your life is so busy, you spend it in conversations with people around, you talk to them the way they need to be talked to, you talk to them about things they need to hear. are these your words? are these your thoughts? did you have them before? do you remember what did you want to talk about? do you remember what did you want to hear? does not it feel like this hustle takes you further and further away from yourself? can you keep up with knowing yourself? can you keep up with defining yourself? you feel like a giant snake trying to collect yourself, get your thoughts together, but by the time you locate your tail, your head is some place else. you go home after a hard day at work trying to find your inner balance, your peace, but by the end of the day you are either so tired you drop dead asleep or you go wild and get busy having sex. either way, tomorrow arrives, and your head is another foot further away from your tail.

turtle

my friend and i are walking on campus. we see a turtle. it looks so cute. i want it as my pet. we take it to the next class and let it go around the classroom. everyone has fun, especially the teacher. the teacher is so cute, all the girls flirt with him. he flirts with my turtle. i take it to the dorms. i introduce it to my roommate. i don’t know how to take care of it, i don’t know what to feed it, i don’t have time to do any research. there is no internet. i throw cucumber peels and leaves all over the floor for the turtle to eat. i put some water in there. my roommate is bothered by my turtle. my roommate is bothered by the fact i don’t buy herbalife from her. my roommate is bothered by the fact she has no money. my roommate does not feel that great these days. i go home one weekend. i come back. the turtle is gone. the roommate does not admit throwing it out, but i know the truth. i feel uncontrollable sense of anger. i start smoking in the room. i start playing loud music. i start keeping the lights on. i hate doing all that, but i feel the need to. i can’t stand her. she threw my turtle. i go to vacation, i come back. my roommate is gone. she switched rooms. i get another roommate. she is nice. i never find my turtle.

coffee

you place brazilian, colombian, and french coffee bags on the counter. you chew a bean of each. you smile at the thought of brewing all three bags, pouring them in different cups, lining the cups like obedient victims of your experiment, and seeing how fast you can drink them up. you smile at the thought of having your heart jumping out of your chest. you smile at the thought of throwing each cup on the floor upon emptying it. you smile at the thought of cigarette taste in your mouth. you pour a little bit of colombian coffee in the coffeemaker. you put the bags back in the cabinet. you put tinted moisturizer on. you put mascara on. you put pink lipstick on. you put on black wool pants and blue cachemire sweater you prepared the night before. you take few sips of the coffee you made. you leave the cup on the counter. you go to work.


on the coffee subject, i suggest a fun movie by the name of coffee and cigarettes, if you appreciate the beverage. as a matter of fact, i suggest everything by jim jarmusch, especially dead man, mystery train, and stranger than paradise if you appreciate somewhat unconventional witty genre.

true story about how i got my driver license

here i am, finally in new york. i did it, i made it here. eventually i will need a job, but for now for the first few months i am going to attend english school for free. this is my first week here. my father is overly neurotic. my father says i need to get a driver license. my father says i need to do it right away because a) i have time now, and b) a driver license is the most important form of id, and i should get one. i have never driven a car in my life. i have never paid any attention to others driving. obtaining the license process consists of two steps – answering multiple choice questioner and the actual driving test.

i need to focus on the written test right now. i can do it. i just need to study questions and answers. they allow you to take the test in russian, so it should make it easy. i study for few hours. next day i go to the motor vehicle department. i am not sure how to get there, my cousin goes with me. they ask for my choice of language. i ask for the russian version of the test. i go to the room. i circle the answers. i give the test back. they tell me to wait. they come back. they say i failed. they say i can try again if i want. i do. i get another russian test. i go to the room. i circle the answers. i give the test back. they tell me to wait. they come back. they say i failed. they say i need to come back if i want to test again. only two trial attempts per day are allowed. my english is pretty bad. i tell them in my broken english there must be a mistake. there must be a problem with the russian translation of the questions. they ask me if i want to test in english. i tell them my english is not good enough. i ask for the test in hebrew. they tell me they don’t have one. i yell at them. i ask how can it be possible, how can israeli people be discriminated like that. they apologize. i tell them they need to give me a third chance with the russian test because they don’t have one in hebrew. they agree. they give me another test. i circle the answers. i give the test back. they tell me to wait. they come back right away. they congratulate me. they tell me i passed. they tell me to expect my learning permit in the mail.

i take driving lessons. i am pretty bad. i have no sense of directions in a vehicle. i don’t feel the vehicle i am driving. i can’t parallel park to the death of me. still my teacher thinks i am ready for the test. we go to the test location. my examiner turns out to be an old lady. my instructor tells me she hates when people drive slowly with her. i drive fast. i forget to stop on the stop sign, i am driving so fast. she tells me to stop and parallel park. i can’t do it quite right. she tells me i failed. i take one more lesson. we schedule another test. i get middle aged talkative hispanic male. i smile at him throughout the test. i talk to him. i look at him. i don’t pay much attention to the road. i don’t look to my left, i don’t look to my right. he tells me to stop and parallel park. i can’t do it quite right. the guy smiles at me and congratulates me. he tells me i passed. he tells me to expect my driver license in the mail.

clown

you put your clown hat on. you don’t feel comfortable without it. it is the only way you could come up with an excuse. the hat is an excuse from the expectations of acting by the script. clowns are exempt. they don’t check clowns for faking. one’s content with being a clown is good enough proof. no one in the script can have such desire. they all like clowns in the script. you just have to be a good one. you just have to remember you are a clown.

books

i don’t think it is possible for me to come up with a true list of top 10 books. i can’t favor the same way a book that i loved 20 years ago. and i can’t omit it from the list because 20 years ago i loved it much more than i love my favorite book today. so far, i think, there is a favorite book for each period of my life. here it goes backwards:

10. geek love by katherine dunn
9. diary and invisible monsters by chuck pahlaniuk (tie between these two)
8. letters to milena, and some of the short stories, and some of the castle chapters by franz kafka (tie between these three and i can’t count the entire content of the castle)
7. one flew over the cuckoo's nest by ken kesey
6. arc de triomphe by erich maria remarque
5. the forsyte saga by john galsworthy
4. three musketeers by alexander dumas
3. set of stories about pioneers-heroes by different authors
2. the wizard of the emerald city by alexander volkov (improvisation based on the wonderful wizard of oz by l. frank baum)
1. il romanzo di cipollino by gianni rodari


i am reading a book now (the final confession of mabel stark by robert hough) that can get close to ending on this list as well, although it is highly unlikely to expect it to knock out geek love.

cacophony

a girl on stage is playing violin. it is undoubtful she is trying to pull some avant-garde improvisation here. some people seem to be buying it, but unfortunately for her, in reality this cacophony is pretty pathetic. and unfortunately for me, i can only associate it with sitting on the toilet. wait, there is a person i know, who’s communication attempts i associate with this activity as well. now, this can be fun. next piece of music is starting. next person comes to mind. i like this game. and i have a new friend. and i am drunk. perfect.


talking about music, there is a singer i recently discovered – kt tunstall, who is famous by that devil wears prada theme song. she seems to have some interesting selections that can be good as exercise music and as listen while work music.

text

they say, people experience world around them using mainly one sense out of three – seeing, hearing, or touching/smelling. hearing is obviously my weakest sense. next goes the touching and smelling. i guess that makes seeing the strongest one for me. but i don’t think it works like that. i don’t necessarily like to be presented with images to see. it is much more interesting to have something to build the images off. i like having the material, like text. text is perfect. your image is as elaborate as the complexity of the material you give me. you give me boring text, you simply don’t get an image. work on your text if you care for one. and leave some empty space for me to fill.

fencing

i am watching you through the fencing mask. your body seems trained and exited. i can’t see your face, you are wearing the mask yourself. you are trying to scare me with the tactic screaming. it doesn’t make me afraid, but i really don’t like it. i am trying to hit you. i don’t want you to lose. too bad i can’t see your face, i can’t see the way it moves when you’re attacking me. it would be nice if i could.

walk

i am walking the streets of my city with my best friend. she is walking with me all the time these days. i think she does not trust me to walk on my own. i think she realized i’m going to be gone. i did not realize it yet. she says i will realize it later, maybe few days after i will move. i feel like i have a tennis ball jumping inside my hollow body. what other streets do i want to walk? i don’t know. we walk into an entrance of a random apartment building. i take a stone off the ground. i scrape some words on the wall. they read – everything that is done is done for the best.

я иду по улицам моего города с моей лучшей подругой. она сопровождает меня постоянно эти дни. мне кажется, она не доверяет мне ходить одной. мне кажется, она осознала, что меня здесь больше не будет. я еще этого не осознала. она говорит, я осознаю это позже, может через пару дней после переезда. я ощущаю как будто теннисный мяч прыгает внутри моего полого тела. какие еще улицы я хочу обойти? я не знаю. мы заходим в подъезд какого-то дома. я поднимаю камень с земли. я царапаю что-то на стене. моя надпись говорит – все, что ни делается, все к лучшему.

zombie watch

it is pretty difficult to hold a job that is not a careless 9 to 5 job but also not a job you spend your life at. on one side there is something like self-contained google empire with restaurants, shops, gyms, beauty salons. everything you may need is there for you to enjoy for free while staying productive. you never need to leave, you never want to leave. i wonder if they have dating services on premises. on another side there is a regular asshole 9-5 job at some crappy office where you can have plenty of time for yourself on evenings and weekends. still you feel unhappy because most of your day is spend doing routines you are far from enjoying. you want to make it interesting, you want to be involved. it is not easy to maintain sanity trying to do well at your job without going overboard. going overboard means getting brainwashed and being turned into a zombie. this process usually takes a while to work on you, and you often miss the signals. then it is too late, and you are unable to realize the transformation ever took place. here is the top 10 list of symptoms to watch out when suspecting you’re turning into a zombie at your place of employment:

10. you willingly accept relocation to help out your employer when it interferes with your own life

9. you give away your pet because your long working hours prevent you from taking care of it

8. you are so overwhelmed by the number of meetings and the amount of work that you don’t have time for personal conversations

7. you check your work mail at least 8 times on weekends

6. your idea of lunch is spending 10 minutes chewing dry food in your cubical watching cnn.com

5. emails about organizational restructure make sense to you

4. you’re holding off going to the bathroom until you hit the send button

3. re-reading 80% of your own business emails show you the sender must be taking a happy pill

2. you think of something related to your client or process during childbirth

1. you notice you’re starting paying attention at meetings

rabbit

you are standing in the backyard taking the skin off the decapitated rabbit you killed. the blood is dropping on the ground off your knife. you are remembering petting this rabbit’s nose, looking into his eyes, stroking his years. you are thinking whether you should bake or stew his meat. you swallow your saliva. you feel sudden hunger. you put the rabbit in the freezer. you take ice cream out. it is chocolate strawberry flavor. you put it in a waffle cone. you lick the top.

spam

we all get bunch of spam from people we know. people like something, they think it's funny or pretty, they spam others who don't find it interesting or amusing at all. we all do it. i send spam to you when i like something and think you would like it as well. i don't expect any replies because of the reasons above. i don't get them most of the time. there was a weird pretty uncommon creature in our backyard the other day. my husband took pictures. i sent them to you. everyone replied. some of you said the animal was cute, some of you said the animal was ugly. it does not matter what you said. you did not take it as spam. you were interested. i was interested seeing your replies. was it because you like animals? was it because you found this particular animal so intriguing? was it because you wanted to communicate with me that day?

cookies

you are standing in your kitchen eating little chocolate chip cookies you like. you feel your cheeks getting wider and wider, plumper and plumper. you feel your stomach getting bigger and bigger, fatter and fatter. you can’t stop stuffing yourself. you throw the empty cookie box out. you take an onion out of the refrigerator. you take a bite.

pause

having children helps social life so much. first of all, the kids bring you to some circles you would have never visit otherwise. then they are the subject you can always talk about. any awkward situation, any long pause – just mention something your child has done today. there must have been something funny or worth talking about. and you don’t have to think much, it is always on your mind. the conversation just naturally flows. if you are young, and have problems holding conversations, just get yourself a child. your life will be so easy. but until you do, what can you talk about? you can try talking about your parents, but god knows, there is nothing funny or worth mentioning in that department. and it’s never on your mind. so what do you talk about when the pause arrives? do you have a special topic for this case? do you hold the pause?

turnarounds

can you be an abusive controlling tyrant and a quiet obedient follower at the same time? can your love and support instantly turn into spite and hate? can your dominance instantly turn into submission? can your happiness instantly turn into depression? can your deep interest instantly turn into complete indifference? does anything need to happen to cause it?

fanatism

milady de winter is finally captured by the lord of buckingham and locked in prison. religious fanatic by the name of john felton is placed to watch her. as sexy and charismatic as milady is, she manages to seduce the guard who proceeds to abandon his divine fanatism and murder the duke. this was my first acquaintance with the word fanatic. falling madly in love to carry out a murder, and being hanged for it sounded much more superior than the narrow-minded fanatism. yet, felton’s fanatic personality could have contributed to his blind devotion to milady.

the management of my company sent out an email asking us “to be fanatical in your pursuit towards delighting our customers”. i was thinking about adding an email footer using one of the fanatism descriptions from the dictionary, but maybe i should present them with a copy of the three musketeers?

russian mentality

it’s no wonder, america is such a happy country compared to russia. first of all, the antidepressants - russia does not have the drugs available. but it does not matter – find me a russian who is willing to consume the pill. popular russian opinion of these medication is that they cause brain malfunction. who needs that when you can have the bottle! everything is set to prepare a russian child to a great deal of life disappointments ahead starting with the moment a kid is born. take a look at the children stories. poor cats are forced to the street when their house is set on fire, and no one is offering a shelter. the spider’s torture of a fly is described in a great details as well as his final beheading by the mosquito. the wolf undergoes a special voice alteration operation, so he can sound like the mama-goat, the baby-goats open the door and get eaten. the compassionate bunny welcomes a fox to his house who threatens him, and makes him to leave. but all of this can be topped off by the cartoon about a penguin who gets drowned protecting his egg, that someone replaces with a stone. i just love these children stories, do you?

trust

i am very cautious with trust. being careful with it is a part of my profession. i get to decide who gets the full access and therefore the full trust, versus limited access and the level of it. there is an elaborate complex database of thoughts in my head. my impression of it is even more involved than what it really is, given my delusions of grandeur. nobody gets the full access to this data. you may be honored enough to have some modify permission that allow you to influence changing of my mind. read access is the most complicated here. it has to be partitioned by the type of data domains, by the categories of thoughts, by my willingness to share. you need to work hard to get the access, some try bribing me, sometimes it works. do not mess up this database, do not read the data out too loudly, someone may hear and corrupt it.

interaction

you don’t mind being weird. you are fine to be considered odd and maybe somewhat eccentric. it does not bother you, quite the opposite. it proves to you, you are not a sheep. all is fine until there is an interaction involved; interaction with someone else who does not necessarily want to be considered that different. it is possible, but you don’t know it. it bothers you to cause a discomfort to this person by association with you. it bothers you to be your real self around this person because your action towards your new object of affection may cause others to change their views of this person. you mutate your real self.

jealous?

are you jealous, my dear? has this finally happened to you? did this popular human sense lastly found a way to register an emotion in your heart? was all i had to do was to like somebody else? did i need to like somebody else more than i ever liked you? are you now ultimately ready to accept my love? will you let me love you? really? i am sorry, it is my alarm, i need to wake up. maybe in another dream.

whining

one form of behavior that annoys the hell out of me is whining. i am trying to remember, and i don’t think it used to bother me. i did not have that much of what you wanted for yourself. it is not the case anymore. everything you whine about, i suspect you think i have it. it makes me uncomfortable. i want you to have everything you want, i think you should have everything you want. i have sympathy for you. i have a lot of it. would you like some? that’s all i will offer. stop your whining, because my sympathy annoys the hell out of you.

attachments

my son periodically develops mental attachments to certain objects. the first one was plastic boy we named ernie. ernie was in my son’s hand 24 hours each day. we could not believe the strength of his hand. then he would chose random plastic toys and animals to carry around and take to bed with him. he does not like soft toys. he hates blankets. once he chose the rhinoceros to make him company at night, and woke up with few scratches from it’s nose. but nothing too bad. the latest object of his affection is the wooden pot. he takes it to walks, he takes it to the crib, he carries it around making soup at all times. will see what it will be next.

fuck you

i wasn’t born with the fuck you attitude. there is a difference between choosing not to adopt everyone else definition of appropriate behavior versus actually giving them the finger. i was a teenager, when i desperately needed something and had my friend get it for me despite her own disliking. then she told me that when i really wanted something, i was going to do whatever it takes to get it, i was going to hurt other people’s feelings, shit on them, and nothing could ever stop me from getting what i wanted. she told me this was who i was, she told me she was my true friend, she told me she loved me, she told me i had to know this about myself. i was surprised to hear that. it was true about that isolated incident, but i was certain it did not apply to everything i really wanted. but i liked the way it sounded. i decided to adopt the fuck you attitude. hey, everyone’s for themselves, if you don’t want to be pushed, stand up to me, if not, fuck you. yes, there are so many nice people, beautiful people, weak people, gentle people, thoughtful people, polite people, pretty people, soft people. i like you, i sympathize you, i’m entertained by you, i wish you well. i just hope you will not be in the way of what i desperately want.

black and white

there are lots of colors about lots of things, but certain matters simply come in black and white. it is very hard to get on the list of people that are interesting to me. it is probably even harder than you think, and i know you think it isn’t easy. but once you get on that list, you can feel safe, you can be proud. you can be proud of your very limited company in there. you can feel safe because you can be sure i will not sell you out. that’s the way it works. black and white. you know you are there, when you are on this list, but if you are there, you don’t really care.

work goals

every year we need to submit annual goals at my job. hr feels it increases productivity and moral. everyone else feels it decreases both. this year again, we received instruction to come up with at least two goals that reduce implementation or support time. what have we been doing so far? i think at this point most of us are busy creating this robot tool that is suppose to reduce everyone’s time. so far it’s consuming everyone’s time. eventually this robot thingy will need more time from everyone to configure and support than the time it takes to avoid the tool altogether. and that is the good thing, because otherwise it would make us be out of job. yes, this seems to be the goal hr has. it makes perfect sense – all departments fulfill the goals that reduce time --> given the goals work, there is less time needed to do the job --> less people needed to do the job --> less people at the company = less work for hr. i wonder if they realize their brilliance. there is one glitch though, less people at the company should require less people at hr too. they better hope we don’t come up with real good goals.

doubts

are you sure you want to marry this person? are you sure you should move to this totally new unfamiliar place? are you sure you are ready for children? are you sure this is what you prefer to study?

i look at the weather.com, i am not sure my kids are not going to overheat outside. i stare at my update query, i am not sure i wrote it correctly. i feel unsure. i feel nervous. i feel pathetic.

night

you lay on a bed with your eyes open. you feel it is very late but you think others would call it very early. it is cold and dark. you feel troubled anxiety in your chest and you don’t know why. you put pants and a coat on. you go outside. you climb a tree. you look at stars.

inadequate behavior

are you a person who talks? are you a person who writes? are you an artist? are you not a talker, not a writer, not an artist? can you ever be content with yourself? can your actions, behavior, articulation, writing, creations ever satisfy you? do you go over the events of your stupid day despising your dullness, your inadequate behavior, blaming yourself for not finding right words at right moments, for appearing uneducated, unfit, ignorant, and humorless? do you replay it all in your head switching everything, making yourself what you want you to be? do you promise yourself to start fresh, to use the image from your replay, and dig from it when you need to? do you keep failing?

talk?

why do people talk to you? do they talk to you because they like you? do they talk to you because they find you interesting? do they talk to you to get you to like them? do they talk to you to get something out of you? do they talk to you to remind you of their existence? do they talk to you to get you to pay attention to them? do people talk to you?

why do you talk to people? do you talk to them because you like them? do you talk to them because you find them interesting? do you talk to them to get them to like you? do you talk to them to get something out of them? do you talk to them to remind them of your existence? do you talk to them to get them to pay attention to you? do you talk to people?

unique?

does it seem you are wasting your life? do you sense abilities inside that have no paths to be utilized? do you suspect having undiscovered talents you can’t release? do you notice grand ideas in your head you can’t formulate? do you feel unique? do you feel special? who do you compare yourself to? how far are you willing to go in designing your unique shell to escape blending in with the masses? will it fit?

miracle!

can you stare at your data intensely enough to hypnotize and transform it by your wish?
there has been a miracle of miracles! it started boring enough with our query results not matching the application’s screen. at first i was clueless, and then i remembered a hidden data holder i should check, and low and behold, the results out of there were about 90% matching. but still not 100. i was looking here, i was looking there, thinking of other factors that could influence the results, i saw nothing. i don’t like seeing nothing, it upsets me. i re-ran the application report again for the 3rd time. the data i saw on the screen was exactly the data my query returned! should i be concerned?

park

you are running in a park. the weather is sunny and pleasant. nobody is there, just lots of pigeons and few homeless people. you are not sure how many laps you’ve ran. your legs don’t notice the movement anymore. the music is blasting in your ears from the headphones. the headphones are wet from your sweat. your underwear is wet from your sweat. you notice that. you realize you are uncomfortable. you stop running. you turn off your music. you hear birds, you hear wind, you hear leaves’ movement. you take a sit on a bench. you reach in your pocket. you pull a pen and a napkin out. you draw a snowman. you start laughing.

obsessive?

you accept your obsessive personality. you allow this to yourself because you know you’ve got no escape from it. it creeps you out, it repulses you, it messes with your head, it sickens your stomach, it palpitates your heart, it warms you, it excites you, it inspires you. you know all that, there is no surprise when it hits you. the surprise comes when it does not. how do you handle the obsessionless eternities? how do you cope with them? how do you explain them?

room

you sit on a wrinkled newspaper in the middle of an empty room. the walls are dirty white. you are hungry. the refrigerator is empty and does not work. there is a rotten tree outside the window. it’s raining. you put your forearms down. you look at our hands. you do a headstand.

beach

you lay on a beach. so hot, you are sweating. the sun is right above you, big and full like a ripe orange. there are lots of people around, in groups and in couples. you are alone. your magazine is open on a random page by your side. your body is lazy and heavy from the heat. you get up. you go swimming. you turn on your back. you close your eyes. you close your mouth. you stop breathing.

field

you stand in the middle of a field. you feel cold, you are shivering. you feel alone, but no, you are not sniveling. you want warmth, there is nothing to warm you. you want a hug, there is no one to hug you. you curl up, you lay down, you take a nap.

jews

i went to a concert yesterday. i don’t remember the last time i saw that many wise-looking people gathered in one place, especially wise-looking jews. there were quite a few of these, young and old, thin and fat, males and females, ugly and good looking, dressed to kill and dressed like homeless people. you know that jews like to be late, so it should not come as a surprise when a third of the venue is empty, and everyone already sitted has to get up to let people pass while the 75 year old greatest storyteller singer of the world is performing with his voice rested and at his best. it should not come up as a surprise that a female eastern european fan next to you smells like smoked fish. it should not come as a surprise seeing bohemian looking jews smoking cigarettes in the hallways with a look of profoundity stamped on their faces. it should not come as a surprise watching their proud feel of ownership of their high-value tickets. it should not come as a surprise witnessing their unwillingness to stand through the entire concert even for the performer they believe to be admiring and worshiping. none of it should come as a surprise, because these are the ashkenazi jews, and they are my people.

i loved the concert and here is a review i found this morning - http://www.google.com/hostednews/canadianpress/article/aleqm5j5-2c2ovs5kkersgzk1vqbdqnrtg

babushka

i’ve roommated quite a few people. i lived with my family, i lived with my friends, i lived with random roommates. there is no roommate like grandma. she is your family, but you can’t have conflicts with her like you do with your parents. she feeds you, she takes care of you, she makes you happy. she is your friend, but you can’t have arguments with her like you do with your friends. you talk with her, you laugh with her, you gossip with her. you are lucky if your grandma has a sense of humor. you are even luckier if she understands yours. here is the top 10 list of fun memories living with my grandma:

10. grandma occasionally receives cans of food from some jewish organization. we have a whole cabinet full of them, many are expired. our superintendent is rude and obnoxious. sometimes he comes up to fix things for us. grandma thanks him with cans of food. grandma says he is very happy and grateful to receive them.

9. grandma constantly states that she can’t bake because of the splitting headaches she gets from turning the oven on. i keep finding grandma running around with a rag tied around her head, in her tank top and shorts, with enlarged eyes and with all windows open, baking some sorts of pastries every time before any family birthday celebration.

8. grandma keeps watching late movies on cinemax channel. grandma says she did not know anything about sex before moving to america.

7. i go to work, and ask grandma to go to a supermarket and buy me some yogurts that i like. grandma cleans the container of a yogurt i finished in the morning and takes it to the store as her guideline. she takes it out of her bag and compares to other yogurts on the shelf. she does not find a match. she leaves. a security guard runs after her to the street. grandma does not understand what he says. he opens her bag. he locates the yogurt sample. he takes it out. he looks at the clean empty yogurt container, he looks at grandma, he turns around, he goes back to the store. grandma goes to another supermarket to look for yogurts for me.

6. someone gives grandma another nightgown as a birthday gift. grandma puts it in the under-bed storage and takes another nightgown out. she says it’s time to start wearing it. she says it was a gift from my mother about 20 years ago.

5. i take grandma to the newly opened supermarket. there are lots of parking spaces. i want to practice perpendicular parking. grandma asks if we can maybe just park in one of many empty spaces without other cars in sight. i keep trying to park the car between two cars. grandma patiently sits in the car and waits. i can’t fit in the spot. i can’t navigate around without hitting a parked car. i hit a car. people gather to watch. i keep hitting the car trying to get out of the spot. people start guiding me. grandma patiently sits in the car and waits. i move out of the spot and park in one of many empty spaces without other cars in sight. police arrives. they make a report. grandma patiently waits by the car. police leaves, we go shopping.

4. grandma carries home two 8-10lbs chunks of ham when she finds them on sale because she knows i like it.

3. grandma and i are moving into an apartment. grandma collected a bunch of tableware at local fleamarkets prior to my arrival to the country. i ask grandma to throw it all away so we can buy new stuff. grandma wants to keep hers. i go to the apartment and stay up all night cleaning. i wash all grandma’s tableware. i put it on the table. at 4 am the table leans and all the dishes fall on the floor and break. grandma says broken tableware is for good luck.

2. i invite my future husband to eat passover dinner grandma made. she puts a holodets (a jello-like stew of rooster’s combs and pig’s hooves) on his plate. he respectfully swallows it despite his fear and politely tells grandma it’s delicious. grandma immediately puts another piece on his plate.

1. grandma studies for her citizenship exam. grandma is very nervous. every day we practice questions from her questioner. every day i give her sentences to write. the big day comes. she walks in the room. she says "i love you, i love america" to her examiner. grandma gets her citizenship.

release

giving compliments used to be so difficult. it was almost as hard as admitting not knowing something. what is it, that lets you accept that not knowing will not lower your impression? what is it, that teaches you to make sincere compliments without feeling awkward, without being afraid to be looked down on? what is it, that imprints into you, that your image has to satisfy first yourself and only then maybe the ones you love and admire? what is it, that allows you to become yourself?

делать комплименты было так сложно. это было почти также тяжело, как признаваться в незнании чего-то. что это, что позволяет тебе принять для себя, что незнание не опустит впечатление о тебе? что это, что учит тебя делать искренние комплименты, не чувствуя при этом неудобства, без страха, что на тебя посмотрят сверху вниз? что это, что отпечатывает в тебя, что твой образ должен удовлетворить в первую очередь тебя, а потом уже возможно и тех, кого ты любишь и кем восхищаешься? что это, что дает тебе стать собой?

low expectations

my friend and i established a rule long time ago. the rule is to lower your expectations before watching a movie that you currently have high expectations of. this way your potential disappointment is diminished, and there is plenty of room to be pleasantly surprised. unfortunately (or not) this rule can’t be applied to many other things that you have high expectations of. will it do you any good to lower your expectations of a new book? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of art? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of friends? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of boyfriends and girlfriends? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of sex? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of yourself?

first date

i sent my picture to a guy i liked on the online singles site. he liked me too and now we are drinking coffee at a lower east side joint. he has a nicorette patch on, but i don’t know about that. he says my smoking is fine. so i keep it up. he seems weird a bit but i like it. i like his looks, i like his voice, i like his artsiness, i like that he used to be a figure skater. i hope he gives me a call tomorrow.

culture shock

you experience a culture shock to some degree upon moving to a new neighborhood, new city, new country. the culture shock is even bigger when the spoken language of your new place of living is new to you. the culture shock is even bigger when you try to consume products with labels in languages you don’t understand. this is the top 10 list of the experiences related to the culture shock and the food ingestion (or generally inner placement of products):

10. this is our second day in israel. we go to the local supermarket and fill the shopping card with goods that look attractive. the russian cashier asks us how long we are here during our checkout, and tells us that our one-time government aid will run out pretty soon if we keep up shopping for these selections.

9. my father orders fried eggs in italian restaurants because he does not like pasta and he is convinced they don’t have any other food that he would like.

8. i order coffee in the japanese restaurant upon my first time going to such an establishment.

7. my husband double checks his watch upon seeing the waiters bringing lamb to the table around midnight in a russian restaurant.

6. my friend and i go to the supermarket to buy champaign to celebrate new year with. we select a bottle and take it back to the kibbutz. we open the bottle at midnight, and drink it. it tastes remarkably like apple cider. later we find out, they don’t sell champaign in the supermarkets in israel.

5. my stepfather is escorted out of american consulate in israel because he is found to be smoking in the bathroom.

4. a young indian guy started at our department. he is not really exposed to other cultures. we order sushi for lunch one day. the indian guy seems to like it. the chinese guy suggests him to try the wasabi because he thinks the indian guy would like spicy stuff like that. the indian guy places the whole thing of wasabi in his mouth before any of us gets to say anything.

3. my husband and i are in rome. we decide to dine in a mom-and-pop shop. there is an old woman and an old man running, cooking, and waiting the place. we go in, we don’t understand the menu. an english-speaking customer near us suggests to ask for the chef’s selection. we are vegetarian, so we are afraid to do that. we ask for some entries, and for a mozzarella appetizer. they seem to be somewhat confused by the choice of the appetizer. the woman brings a mozzarella ball on a plate and puts it in front of me. i look at it and feel somewhat confused myself and ask for a tomato. the woman loudly tells something to her husband. he proceeds ramaging through the refrigerator right near the tables. he locates a large tomato and places it on my plate near the mozzarella.

2. the relatives fill the refrigerator for my friend’s family upon their arrival to israel. my friend goes to the kitchen to have a snack in the evening. he opens one container, it is some sort of a paste, smells good, like lemon, nice and fresh. he spreads this substance on a piece of bread and takes a bite. the bubbles start to come out – this turns out to be a dish soap.

1. my roommate in the kibbutz has a pain in her ear. the manager sends me to accompany her to the ear doctor in the nearby city. the doctor looks in her ear and gives us a box of objects that look like wax sticks. he instructs us what to do with them. we don’t fully get the instructions, but we understand they need to be inserted. we understand she has to do it before going to bed. we go back. my friend takes the wax candles and tries to insert them into her ear. it does not go in. me and our other roommate try helping out. the candle does not go in. we give up. later on we learn the proper placement of wax candles.

work stupidity

i am about to declare stupidity contest at work. the previous holder of the winning title was fired and the position is vacant. there are quite a few nominees. the race is tight.

here is the top 10 list of stupid things that happened on my current job throughout my employment:

10. a high level individual at the company tells my coworker he is not being productive. the coworker emails me the 100th question for the day asking why things don’t work for him. i don’t have access to see neither his data nor his processes. i tell him to check few basic settings. he replies with hurt feelings. he asks why do i mention basic settings like these. he tells me i make him not productive.

9. i am going to maternity leave. i am the only user of a one-person license to an expensive data modeling software. the software is actually registered under the name of my previous boss. i am in another department now. my new boss orders another license to give to my temp replacement in order to avoid communicating with my old boss.

8. a coworker feels she deserves to be promoted. she asks for the promotion but does not get it. she is frustrated and sad. she emails a memorandum to quite a lot of people that she will not do the part of her daily work that she believes should require manager’s title. she states that she will only do the basic work as her title suggests. she sends the cell phone number of her boss to everyone as a number to call in case they have any questions about our product. she gets fired the same day.

7. a coworkers emails the following text: “changes to the staging database seems as though it would greatly ease the burden of mapping to the new data model in certain areas like ‘terms’. maintaining the nomenclature of semesters as the application is moving towards terms appears counterproductive”. this is the 1st email i ever received from this coworker. i have a physical need to run to the bathroom upon receiving his emails ever since.

6. a crazy coworker who really struggles with basic english adds “corporate headquarters” title in her email signature because another coworker made a joke on her and told her to do it.

5. the same coworker starts laughing hysterically upon hearing that her other male coworker has a boyfriend even after she was explicitly explained the situation and the sexual orientation or this coworker.

4. i am pregnant. my stomach is too large to see the bag on the floor that my absentminded boss threw in the middle of the room. i trip over the bag and fall down. my foot hurts throughout the rest of my pregnancy.

3. i accidentally do not highlight the where clause of an update query and overwrite prod data for a whole table instead of one record.

2. my little daughter gets a hold of my keyboard and violently hits some keystrokes. the next day all the production jobs fail. i look into it and find out she moved a certain prod folder.

1. i ask a coworker for a spreadsheet with two columns – student code and file name relating to the student. the coworker sends back a blank spreadsheet with two title columns – student code and file name.

lonesome

would you deny yourself an experience because you don’t have anyone to share it with? do you think you are depressed if the answer is yes? do you think you are insecure and scared if the answer is yes? do you think you are extremely extrovert if the answer is yes? do you think you are very young and naive if the answer is yes? do you think you are lucky if the answer is yes?

don’t you think you must be depressed making a choice to stay home watching tv when you could be someplace else? don’t you think you must be scared when being on your own prevents you from an adventure in life? don’t you think you must be insecure if the looks people give to your lonesomeness mean more than the experiences themselves? don’t you think you must be extremely extrovert if having no audience for your emotions suppresses your need for them? don’t you think you must be young and naive thinking there will be plenty of others experiences in your life that you will be able to share? don’t you think you must be lucky being used to having people to share your experiences with all the time except this once?

charity

i don’t feel much empathy to strangers. i don’t get moved by pictures of starving children to the level that would make me want to sponsor a kid. i feel sad for the penguins having survival problems in south america but i don’t feel inclined to adopt one. i feel somewhat repulsed by the homeless people, so i would not want to donate food. in addition, my corruptive mind thinks that a big portion of all the charity work goes to the pockets of the rich. my philosophy about charity used to be helping out the people i know that i like. you are doing charity work as long as you are helping out to at least one person. help can be different, it can be financial help, it can also be a mental help of some kind. the only problem here – strangers accept your help. the people you know may feel intimidated by your help. it could be harder for you to help the people you want to help. should that intimidate you?

snow

it was so fun watching the kids intensively shoveling snow yesterday. it reminded me how i used to do the same activity, how exiting it was.

i am a very honest child. i don’t believe good people tell lies. i don’t believe anyone i know tells lies. i don’t believe i know bad people. i go to kindergarten. there is a boy there. his napping bed is next to mine. he tells me he has special powers. he tells me he will make my building go on fire. he tells me he will burn my parents. he tells me this every day. i cry every day. i believe he can do all this. he comes over on weekends, we get shovels and we shovel the snow. we like it. the next day it’s naptime back in the kindergarden. he tells me he will make my building go on fire. he tells me he will burn my parents. i cry. i believe he can do all this.

undefined emotion

can some strange undefined emotion take over other feelings including sex? does it scare you? does it shakes the confidence in your sexuality? does it remind you of pitiful phrases like sex is not the most important thing, or that sex is overrated, - phrases, that make you believe that a person is not very sexual or has not discovered sexuality yet? what if you are extremely sexual, really love having sex, consider it very important, and at the same time have this other emotion at times overpowering not only sex, but all your other feelings and values? what if this emotion directed towards individuals you feel no sexual attraction to? what can this emotion be?

может ли какая-то странная неопределенная емоция брать верх над другими чувствами, включая секс? она тебя пугает? она колеблет уверенность в твоей сексуальности? это напоминает тебе жалкие фразы наподобие того, что секс не является самым важным, или, что секс слишком преувеличивают, - фразы, которые показывают тебе, что человек не особо сексуален, или еще не обнаружил свою сексуальность? что если ты чрезвычайно сексуален, получаешь большое удовольствие от секса, считаешь его очень важным, и, в тоже самое время испытываешь эту другую емоцию, периодически преобладающую не только над сексом, но и над всеми другими твоими чувствами и ценностями? что если эта емоция направлена по отношению к людям, к которым ты не чувствуешь сексуальной тяги? чем может быть эта эмоция?

essay about business

each business starts with some asshole having what he thinks is a clever idea, and his desire to get rich. the more successful the idea turns out, the bigger the business becomes. the bigger the business becomes, the greater is the amount of working assholes the original asshole needs to support. they want to get rich but know they can not. they want to take as much as they can from their boss – the original asshole. they want to make him poor. this is the definition of business.


vicky cristina barcelona – added to my all time favorites list, the narration and music are priceless.

sleepless

i wake up again screaming and gagging. i can’t breath. i open my window to let the air in. i lit the cigarette to get the lungs moving. wait, scratch that, i don’t smoke. there is no way i can get back to sleep then. i got these remaining hours of the night to think my thoughts, to roll in my bed looking for your face in my mind.

costanzas

few years ago when i was physically working at the office, before all these babies were born, and before the best ever coworker-friend quit on us, we used to have these weekly department meetings. their purpose was to design a new data specification document. we called these meetings evenings with the costanzas. we would loudly talk all at once and passionately argue the design of all these stupid tables. we said we hated it but we kind of loved it. it was fun.

we also have costanzas in our own family. imagine 5 or us, cousins and sisters, setting up a dinner in the city. looks like pretty simple event, would not you think? think again. think harder. how many emails do you think can be collected just during the 1st day of planning? are we also going to a museum? to a movie maybe? to a broadway show? how about going shopping? some may fall asleep, some may get bored, some may get broke. the only thing we normally do together is eating at common family gatherings. we are the costanzas.

good bye

how many times have i said good bye to you? i can recall each one of them, and all the thoughts, reasons, and feelings for all of them. every good bye creates a feeling of hopeless painful sadness. each subsequent good bye makes this sadness a little bit lighter, a little bit flatter. how many more good byes will it take to remove the sadness completely? what will it leave me with?

i say my next good bye to you. how many chapters of my life will miss you? what will they include?


сколько раз я прощалась с тобой? я могу вспомнить каждый случай, и все мысли, причины и чувства каждого из них. каждое прощание порождает чувство безнадежной болезненной грусти. каждое следующее прощание делает это чувство слегка легче, слегка тупее. через сколько прощаний эта грусть исчезнет совсем? с чем это меня оставит?

я прощаюсь с тобой в очередной раз. сколько глав моей жизни пройдут без тебя? чем заполнятся эти главы?

attention

i crave your attention so badly. i feel my heartbeat speeding, i feel my blood vessels pumping.. i don’t think you notice it, i don’t think you suspect it. i hope you don’t. i act so cool around you, the only way you would notice it, is if you were giving me the attention i am craving. you would give me that attention, and you would immediately become just a bit above all these other ones. you would be just a bit above these losers craving my attention acting cool around me thinking i am too busy in my own world to notice them. i notice you, i just don’t pay attention.

reply

thank you for writing to me. thank you for thinking of me. thank you for your regrets. thank you for taking this step. thank you for thinking of being my friend. i think of you as my friend too. every time i think of my cute imported dolls, i think of yours. every time i think of my pretty cool little dresses, i think of yours. every time i think of my youth tricks, i think of yours. every time i think of my first kiss, i think of yours. every time i think of the childhood and the friendship i think of you. i will always think that.

clarity

the purpose of death seems to exist to remind us of the stupidity of living. we love people the most when we learn of their death. we feel certain clarity in the sorrow of mourning. it suddenly hits us, and we want to keep this clarity, this outlook - we want to love more, to express more, to spend time more, to be happy more. we want to give to the living. we want to be loved while we live. how long does this clarity last? do the moments of clarity increase with the increase of death experiences around us?

похоже, смерть существует для того, чтобы напоминать нам о глупости жизни. мы любим людей больше всего, когда мы узнаем о их смерти. мы ощущаем определенное озарение в печали траура. внезапно мы чувствуем это, и нам хочется держаться за это озарение, за эту перспективу – нам хочется любить больше, выражать себя больше, проводить времени больше, радоваться больше. нам хочется давать живущим. нам хочется быть любимыми пока мы живем. как долго длится это озарение? эти моменты озарения увеличиваются с увеличением опыта встречь со смертью вокруг нас?

leonard cohen

i love leonard cohen and seeing him in concert will be great. he is only doing one concert in ny in the tiny beacon theater. so i had to get whatever tickets were still available during the 1st hour of the sale event. that meant buying expensive tickets. well, not that expensive but, hey, i paid less to see madonna! he’s better not to disappoint us in our orchestra seats!

movie script

here it goes – kate winslet fell in love with leonardo dicaprio during titanic filming. she was very insecure and did not even try to get romantically involved with the guy. she was not stupid, she saw the movie, she saw how much fatter and older she looks compared to leo. plus he only dates supermodels. so she married her husband, who is older and not so good looking, but a very good film director, on a condition that he will film them together again. she proceeded working on her body and becoming a great actress while the husband worked on the script. finally they made a movie about how routine and boring love gets when it becomes a marriage, so she can tell leo publicly how she loves him.

should i copyright this?

headstand

they say it is good for you to do postures and movements you don’t normally do, to get the blood circulating to places it generally escapes. you stand on your head and you definitely feel that blood heavily rushing to your face – your ears, your forehead, your cheeks, you feel it rushing to your brain. you are supposed to breath and not to think of anything. can you avoid thinking thoughts that enter your inverted mind? would the curiosity of thinking an inverted thought supersede the intention of following instructions and concentrating on the breath? are you here to learn peace and balance or are you here to experience thoughts that come to your upside-down brain during a headstand?

secret

who is the person that loves you the most? who is the person that cares about you the most? who is the person you can depend on the most? who is the person you can trust to the most? who is the person you open up to the most?

do you have a secret? do you never talk about your secret at all? do you talk about it casually so no one suspects it to be your secret? why do you keep a secret? is it because you are afraid? is it because you are not sure? is it because you like the feeling of having a secret? is it because you don’t have a secret?

poetry

reading poems is not that easy. you have to adjust your own harmony to someone else’s rhythm, and it often disturbs you, at least at first. you are not sure if it’s your sense of rhythm that’s having problems or if the stuff you are reading is not that good. on the other hand, writing poems is so much fun. all you have to do is to sense when the moment is coming, tune to it, and just write what it is you think you feel. i’d even say that the sadder the poem turns out, the more fun it gets to write it. you will not be happy with the result of your writing if you think about the words, about the melody of the poem. just feel listen and write.. if you can.. while you can..

a round of applause goes to my talented husband who made a little site to show off my long forgotten poetries. you are welcome to check them out if you have the patience to walk through something that may look like a never-ending vacuum of depression. i posted the majority of my poems choosing the ones that i think are interesting, or just have a sentimental value for me. the link is http://laura.ericmeier.com/poetry/

fuck!

how many .... are you going to fuck? recently, palahniuk’s book came out about a porn star setting a record fucking 600 volunteers for some vague reason i am not going to get into. let’s say you are going for a much smaller number, but you’re setting a pretty strict filter on your fucking selection. most obscene actions people do generally aim to prove something fucked up to themselves or to others. what the fuck are you proving? what the fuck is your reason? do you specifically set this criteria or does your fucking criteria pull you in? i would fuck you in an instant if i had the balls. would i fit your fucking filter?

game

do you like living in imaginary world? do you have fun making characters of yourself and people around you? do you enjoy giving them qualities they don’t exhibit, taking away features they possess? do you know their real personalities? do you care? do you get confused between the characters you make and the real people upon interacting with them? what do you get from this shuffle? why do you play this game? is this a game?

imbalance?

do you think you can admire, respect, and love a person who can equally admire, respect, and love you back? do you think that in every relationship there is one who loves and another one who allows to be loved?

do you think that when you are the one who loves, you should accept the treatment from the one you love because you have no other choice? do you think that you can do something, maybe not right away, maybe in the future, that will make you be loved? do you think you will always love the one you love? who do you think you love more – the one you love, or yourself feeling this love?

do you think that when you are the one who allows to be loved, the one who loves you will dump you at the end? do you think you can ever learn to love the one who loves you, the way that you are loved? do you think you don’t deserve this love? do you think that you are the one who loves?


тебе кажется, что ты можешь восхищаться, уважать и любить человека, кто может одинаково восхищаться, уважать и любить тебя? тебе кажется, что в любом взаимоотношении есть один, кто любит, и другой, кто позволяет себя любить?

тебе кажется, что когда ты тот, кто любит, тебе стоит принять существующее обращение с собой от того, кого ты любишь, из-за отсутствия выбора? тебе кажется, что ты можешь сделать что-то, возможно не сразу, возможно в будущем, что сделает тебя любимым? тебе кажется, ты будешь всегда любить того, кого ты любишь? кого, тебе кажется, ты любишь больше – того, кого ты любишь, или себя, чувствующего эту любовь?

тебе кажется, что когда ты тот, кто позволяет себя любить, тот, кто любит тебя, в какой-то момент оставит тебя? тебе кажется, ты сможешь когда-то научиться любить того, кто любит тебя, так, как тебя любят? тебе кажется, ты не заслуживаешь эту любовь? тебе кажется, что ты, тот, кто любит?

remote connect

isn’t it interesting to receive a phone call or an email from someone you were just thinking about? isn’t it interesting to randomly think the same thoughts with a person you live with, or with someone half world away? isn’t it interesting to use the same words at the same time with someone describing totally different things? isn’t it interesting to instantly know what close to you people are thinking when you talk to them few times in a year at best? how does it make you feel? does it make you feel isolated? does it make you feel incredibly close?

i am so used to connecting remotely, that my physical manifestation throws everyone off balance. i am so used to connecting remotely that the time seems to exist as a completely irrelevant measure. i am so used to connecting remotely, i need the distance to connect.

new year

happy new year! are you going to celebrate that this year you’re going to get one year older? are you going to celebrate that this past year you got accustomed to hate, love, be tired of, appreciate a lot, and whatever other adjectives you got for it, is going to be over? are you going to celebrate that the next year will be different? are you going to celebrate that the change of a digit in the wall calendar you stare at every day, is going to bring something new to your life? are you going to celebrate new year?

every year around this time i nostalgically remember the childhood. i wish i could celebrate 1980 again. i hope i can introduce a sense of winter holidays magic to my kids. i hope we can feel this magic together.


с новым годом! ты будешь праздновать, что в следующем году ты станешь на год старше? ты будешь праздновать, что этот прошедший год, который ты свыкся ненавидеть, любить, чувствовать усталость, ценить, и какие другие прилагательные ты можешь добавить, наконец-то закончится? ты будешь праздновать, что следующий год будет другим? ты будешь праздновать, что смена цифры на стенном календаре, на который ты глазеешь каждый день, принесет что-то новое в твою жизнь? ты будешь праздновать новый год?

каждый год примерно в это время я ностальгически вспоминаю детство. мне хотелось бы праздновать 1980 опять. я надеюсь, что я смогу преподнести чувство чуда зимних праздников своми детям. я надеюсь, мы сможем чувствовать вместе это чудо.

cats, dogs, birds, family, and death

the grandma does not see well, the grandma does not hear well. the grandma carries a magnifying glass, wears a hearing aid and a microphone-type of a device around her neck. still, she does not see much, and what grandma hears, is usually not what people say. grandma does her best, and tries to have as much fun as she can. grandma plays cards for pennies, grandma runs around in shopping malls on wheelchairs, grandma flirts with her doctors. grandma’s lovebird died accidentally. everyone believed that bird was her reincarnated husband. the bird told her what to wear, the bird told her what to do, the bird told her where to go. grandma got another lovebird. grandma can’t find her bird one evening. she looks everywhere, the bird can’t be found. she calls her daughter. daughter comes and finds the bird in the freezer. grandma closes her drawer on another evening, and the bird’s foot gets caught in it. the bird looses the toe. grandma, her daughter, the bird, and the bird’s toe rush to the hospital. the doctors attach the toe to the bird’s foot. the bird ends up in the freezer again, the bird ends up locked in cabinets. the bird dies. grandma really wants another bird but she says she does not deserve one.

the dog wears a festive holiday shirt for christmas. the dog is over 15 years old. the dog does not hear well, the dog does not see well, the dog used to be depressed. the dog is not depressed anymore. no, it was not the antidepressants that cured the dog, the medicine did not work that well, and it was causing side effects. the miracle happened! the cat that used to live with the dog died. my mother in law, who is the cat/dog owner, took in one of the cats of her son’s. he had 6 cats, and was having difficulties taking care of them all. then this cat needed a friend, so the mother in law, who works at the animal clinic, brought home a kitten with a dislocated jaw. the kitten was very smart and cute as long as you were not staring at his face and at his mouth in particular. one day the depressed dog refused his food as usual, and the kitten came over. the kitten smelled and tasted the dog food, and proceeded to eat it. the dog lived with many cats through the years but the dog has never seen a cat trying to eat his food. the dog started eating his food with the cat. since that day, the dog and the cat always eat together from the same jar. they alternate dog food with cat food. the dog is no longer depressed, the dog acts happy. the dog just does not hear well, the dog just does not see well.

we received a call during our vacation that our cat died. our dead cat was hanging out in the basement for 2 days. we came home. my husband put the cat in the box, and placed it in the backyard. the next morning all the neighborhood cats were singing serenades in memoriam to the dead cat under our daughter’s bedroom window. today the car came and took the cat to cremation.



бабушка плоховато видит, бабушка плоховато слышит. бабушка носит увеличительное стекло, слуховой аппарат, и подобный микрофону прибор вокруг шеи. все равно, она плохо видит, а то, что бабушка слышит, обычно является не тем, о чем говорят вокруг. бабушка старается, как может, получать удовольствие от жизни. бабушка играет в карты на центы, бабушка катается по магазинам на инвалидной коляске, бабушка заигрывает с ее докторами. бабушкин попугайчик случайно умер. все вокруг верят, эта птичка была перерожденным бабушкиным сурпругом. птичка говорила ей, что одевать, птичка говорила ей, что делать, птичка говорила ей, куда идти. бабушка купила другого попугайчика. бабушка не может найти птичку в один вечер. она ищет всюду, но не может найти. она звонит дочке. дочка приезжает и находит птичку в морозилке. бабушка закрывает ящик в другой вечер, и прищимляет птичкину лапку. у птички отрывается пальчик. бабушка, ее дочка, птичка и птичкин пальчик устремляются в госпиталь. доктор пришивает птичке пальчик. птичка оказывается опять в морозилке, птичка оказывается закрытой в шкафчиках. птичка умирает. бабушка очень хочет другую птичку, но говорит, что она ее не заслуживает.

на собаке одета нарядная кофта на рождество. собаке более 15 лет. собака плохо слышет, собака плохо видит, собака была в депрессии до недавнего времени. собака больше не в депрессии. нет, это не были антидепрессанты, которые излечили собаку, эти лекарства плохо помогали и порождали побочные эффекты. случилось чудо! кот, который жил с собакой, умер. моя свекровь, которой принадлежат кот/собака, взяла себе одного из котов ее сына. он имел 6 котов и испытывал трудности заботиться о них всех. тогда этому коту понадобился друг, и свекровь, которая работает в поликлиннике для животных, принесла домой котенка со смещенной челюстью. котенок был очень умен и симпатичен, если вы не смотрели пристально на его морду, и его рот в особенности. один день депрессивная собака, как обычно, отказалась кушать свою еду, и котенок подошел к ней. котенок понюхал и попробовал собачью еду, и начал ее есть. собака жила со многими котами за свою многолетнюю жизнь, но еще никогда собака не видела кота, кушающего ее еду. собака стала есть ее еду с котом. с этого дня собака и кот всегда едят вместе из одной миски. они чередуют собачью еду с кошачьей. собака больше не в депрессии, собака выглядит радостной. собака просто плохо слишит, собака просто плохо видит.

нам позвонили во время нашего отпуска сказать, что наша кошка умерла. наша мертвая кошка околачивалась в подвале в течении двух дней. мы приехали. мой муж закрыл кошку в коробку и положил ее на заднем дворе. на следующее утро все местные коты пели серенады в память мертвой кошке под окном нашей дочери. сегодня приехала машина и забрала кошку на кремацию.

employee-employer

this is the list of top 10 employer to employee encounters from my own experience and from the experiences of few others close to me:

10. your boss gets a bunch of you in a room on friday and tells you all to come up with the solving a performance problem ideas during the weekend.

9. you do an occasional office-cleaning job. your manager tells you that the office workers will always remember you as a cleaning person, no matter what you’d end up being in life later on.

8. your boss feeds you chinese candies every chance she gets.

7. your boss asks you to move your carefully planned multi-country international trip because of the server upgrade event, since he did not realize your vacation starts in two days.

6. your boss sends you an email that there is a party food leftover in the fridge, and that you should use plates to heat it up, and not the aluminum containers the food is currently in.

5. your boss sits on your desk nervously fidgeting his legs looking at your screen every time he asks you to do anything.

4. your boss tells you that you are the best thing that happened to him. all he truly means is that you are doing a very good job.

3. you tell your boss you saw him in your dream last night. his face turns read and he agitatedly asks you not to tell him this dream.

2. every day your boss thanks you for doing a good job and for helping him out.

1. your employee who works at your house tells you to work from the office and not from home.

not your life?

you wake up. you get ready. you go to class, you go to work. you go to lunch. you go out. you go home. you watch tv. you go to bed. you wake up..

do you agree with the mirror that this is you you’re looking at? who are you? who’s life are you living? do you know the moment when you started living this life? did you come up with the idea for this to become your life? did it happen accidentally? did you always live this life? do you see anything wrong with it? do you like it? do you think it is good for you? do you think it is better than the alternative that could have happened? do you know what life you would have chosen have you had a second chance? do you think you would have gotten it? do you think you would have been happier? do you think you would have call it your life? who do you think you would have been seeing in the mirror?


ты просыпаешься. ты собираешься. ты идешь на учебу, ты идешь на работу. ты идешь на обед. ты идешь куда-то провести время. ты идешь домой. ты смотришь телевизор. ты ложишься спать. ты просыпаешься..

ты согласен с зеркалом, что это ты, тот, на кого ты смотришь? кто ты? чью жизнь ты живешь? ты знаешь момент, с которого ты начал жить эту жизнь? ты сам придумал сделать это твоей жизнью? это произошло случайно? ты всегда жил эту жизнь? тебе кажется в ней что-то не то? тебе она нравится? ты думаешь, твоя жизнь подходит тебе? ты думаешь, это лучше, чем альтернатив, который мог случиться? ты знаешь, какую жизнь ты бы выбрал имея второй шанс? ты думаешь, у тебя бы получилось? ты думаешь, ты был бы счастливей? ты думаешь, ты бы назвал это твоей жизнью? кого, ты думаешь, ты бы видел в зеркале?

teeth

today is the teeth day. it started with my friend telling me a story about her child’s dental adventures. then my mother called me to say that her dental bridge came off. that lead me to make my own dental appointment. and to top it off, my father will come over today with his constant teeth saga.

here are other teeth related experiences of my life –

my son likes to chew his pacifier in the crib. he makes holes in the pacifiers, and then he refuses to suck on them. i buy about 2 to 4 pacifiers a week because of this act of his.

i go to my first dental checkup at school. i am 11. the dentist finds 14 cavities in my teeth. it is not my first dental checkup ever. it is not my first dental checkup that year. it is just my first dental checkup in a few months.

my dentist has framed photos of people’s teeth on his wall. i always ask him to add the picture of my teeth there, but he keeps refusing.

my grandma misplaced her dentures. we are expecting guests and this is not a best time for such an accident. it is not the first time this happens. the grandpa is lecturing grandma to always keep her teeth close by. we are all looking for the false teeth. we look in her pockets, we look in her magazines, we look in her shelves, we don’t see them. then the great grandma finds them in the trashcan. everyone is happy. the guests arrive, we start eating.


сегодня зубной день. он начался с истории подруги о зубных приключениях ее ребенка. потом мама позвонила сказать, что ее мост поломался. это навело меня на мысль назначить визит к зубному и себе. и в завершение, папа придет сегодня со своей вечной зубной сагой.

вот другие зубные проишествия моей жизни -

мой сын любит жевать свою соску в кровати. он делает в них дырки, а потом отказывается их сосать. я покупаю от 2 до 4 сосок в неделю из-за этого его деяния.

я иду на мою первую школьную зубную проверку. мне 11 лет. зубной врач находит 14 дырок в моих зубах. это не первый визит к зубному в моей жизни. это не первый визит к зубному в этом году. это просто мой первый визит к зубному за несколько месяцев.

мой зубной врач держит фотографии зубов в рамках на своей стене. я всегда прошу его добавить туда мои зубы, но он все отказывает.

моя бабушка не может найти ее вставные зубы. мы ждем гостей, и это не лучшее время для такого происшествия. это не первый раз, такое случается. дедушка читает нотацию бабушке всегда держать ее зубы при себе. мы все ищем вставные зубы. мы ищем в ее карманах, мы ищем в ее журналах, мы ищем в ее полках, мы их не видим. наконец прабабушка находит зубы в мусорнике. мы все радуемся. гости приходят, мы начинаем кушать.

socializing

a big part of physically going to your job location is socializing. i am not a social person but if i am friendly with you, and i got some free time, you bet i am going to stand by your desk talking to you until you start wishing for someone to give me something urgent to do right now. the same goes for im conversations. i just sense your urge for something to distract me from talking to you after bombarding you with countless number of lines that see no ending. as long as i am in the mood, i have something to say, and i have a lot to say about it.

i don’t have many people to talk to. i work from home. i started writing these daily posts and they kind of substitute socializing for me at the moment. sometimes these segments come to me all at once, sometimes i take notes of pieces of my thoughts at various times, and later make it into a story of the day. and yes, i absolutely bill the clients for my creative explorations.

mother-daughter event sampler

sit down - stand up, sit down – stand up; again.. what wouldn't you do for your mother, what wouldn't your mother do for you. my mother is here to make me company at this strange event. i am hear to experience the posture improvement breakthrough technique. i am here to entertain myself. i am here to entertain my mother. sit down - stand up, sit down – stand up; again.. i have a horrible posture, and i am re-learning to sit. so does my mother. sit down – stand up.. this is a free alexander technique workshop. lay down – sit up, lay down – sit up; again.. stand up and look in the mirror for a while.. help each other to learn to sit right.. correct each other when you see a wrong posture..

my mother and i are eating foie gras at a fancy french restaurant for her birthday. just the two of us. my mother does not know i am pregnant yet. what do you think about twins, - i ask..

my mother wants a massage. she really wants a massage. she just came to the country, she does not feel very comfortable, she does not speak much english. i need to join my mother for the massage. i get a fragile feminine guy who gently strokes and caress my body. my mother gets a big muscular energetic female who pushes, stretches, pokes, and slaps her. everyone is happy.

we take my mother upstate. we end up in the shittiest hotel room ever. my mother needs a good coffee the next morning, she emptied her thermos last night. my mother can’t drink the regular coffee they serve from the coffee pots. i go to all the establishments in the village to inquire about espresso. i don’t find any.

my mother and family are moving to staten island. the mover has a little hangover from the night before. he ties the mattress to the van’s roof. off he goes over verrazano bridge. the mattress falls down on the bridge. the mover is not allowed to stop on the bridge. my brother is in his van calling me. we get in the car and we drive to the bridge in attempt to capture the mattress. there is no sign of the mattress. we turn around. we see the police cars and what seems to be the mattress. we don’t stop. my mother convinces the driver to go there and claim the mattress. the driver gets a fine. the driver does not get the mattress. my mother deducts the mattress cost from the driver’s check. my mother goes to a mattress store and gets a much better serta mattress at a great discount.

*correction - the hunted item upstate was not espresso but a cup of hot water to add to brought grinded coffee.

top 10 list i learned this week

there is a guy at work, who sometimes sends these out-of-it emails. today he decided to create a page to place all the things he learned this week in there to "be informed about all the myriad happenings within our department and around the company".

i decided that i should also make my own top 10 list i learned this week. here it goes:

10. tom cruise likes tina turner
9. the color of this new year is going to be orange
8. some famous guy read the entire encyclopedia and wrote about what he read
7. it costs over 10k for a couple to go to australia for about 2-3 weeks
6. a girl at work was named after an actress who played a cyborg
5. you should ask your child not to drool when you want her to stop drooling
4. read/write permissions give you rights to create temp tables in sql05
3. my sister was hired back 2 weeks after getting laid off
2. there is an observation deck on the top of rockefeller center
1. tying shoes is actually not that easy


please vote for your favorite posts if you haven't. don't think of yourself as a special reader who should be excluded from this chore. you read - you vote - very simple.

arc de triomphe

i am reading a book. i don’t understand what is happening. have i been reincarnated? was this book ever my life? do i need this book to become my life? do i fear this book will become me? this is a fictional novel, and it is not even that great of a literature piece. something is weird. somehow this feels right, like you just found a part of you that you never knew existed. nothing in this book has anything to do with my life or personality. i am 13. i feel all the expressions, tastes, emotions, atmospheres, events, times and places i am reading about. i don’t get my fascination with this book. all i know - i am stuck reading it over and over. i can’t read anything else anymore.

crowds

i am scared of crowds. it does not matter if it is a parade, a large party, a concert, or a funeral. it is so much easier to manage and manipulate a crowd than individuals. you can put a political message, a desire of action, or any thought in a crowd’s mind. you can make a crowd to vote, to love, to hate.. and you can make a crowd to go shopping.

small-world accidents

a guy sits at his desk at work and reads a letter i wrote looking for lost relatives. the lost relative i am looking for is his best friend from school.

my friend’s mother is walking on the seashore and meets another immigrant lady. they start talking and find out they are relatives.

small department needs to hire 3 new people. there are no russian speaking employees in this department yet. two of us stay, two get fired during the month of hiring. all four came from the same city in west ukraine. all four know someone that at least one of the other 3 knows.

the first nanny i had is now working across the street.

remember?

do you remember the taste of tomatoes in your hometown? do you remember the face of a person you love after being apart for a long time? do you remember your age? do you remember what you had on the day you met your significant other? do you remember the name of the movie you saw yesterday?

memory is selective, you can’t keep it all in, you gotta make choices.. it’s interesting to see how much can you learn about people just by them telling you what they remember, right?

i don’t remember you at all on the night that made me love you.