emotional intensity

google ‘emotional intensity’ and you will find this to be a favorable characteristic suggesting gifted individuality. it is a positive quality to have, something to be nurtured and cherished. it is considered to be a strength implying interesting complex personality with wonderfully rich inner world. this trait should be cultivated, appreciated and valued.

now add a ‘disorder’ ending to your search. did you get borderline? it is a new name for bpd, congratulations doctors! is adding a word ‘disorder’ enough to turn something supposedly wonderful into something so dark? can ‘disorder’ be replaced with another word to get more mild result? maybe it is just a perfect black and white output fitting to the input of the search.

truthful

please, tell me the truth, - you ask me. i look at you and i am scared. i look at you and i want to tell you the truth. i just don’t know what it means. i want to be a good person.  i want to tell you what you are asking. i don’t know how to do that. i just don’t know. i can try to please you. i can take my best guess. i can tell you what i think you want the truth to be. i will have to do that. i am going to see the look of reassurance in your eyes.  you will feel comforted. you will feel secured.  you will feel good.  i will feel sad. i will feel worthless. i will feel confused.

first time

it is a warm bright night in the late spring in a crowed city.  young eccentrically dressed cool looking people are everywhere. we are holding hands. we are crossing a street on a red light. a cab makes a sudden turn almost hitting us. you pull your hand out of mine. you run forward. i step back. i wait for the green light. i cross the street by myself. i put my hand into yours on the other side of the crosswalk. we keep walking. i tell you i love you. this is the first time i tell you that.

full

i don't have anything of my own. i don't have any passions, ambitions, desires or dreams. i don't have any interests, goals, talents or skills. there are passions, ambitions, desires and dreams; there are interests, goals, talents and skills. they are inside. they are in me. they are not mine. i live your passions, ambitions, desires and dreams. i live your interests, goals, talents and skills. they fill me. you fill me. i feel full. full of you.

angerstorm

my anger is rolling inside, from my neck to my groin; up and down, up and down it goes. there is a tornado in my body, a cyclone, a blizzard, a thunderstorm; rolling and rolling for hours, for days; rolling up, rolling down. it’s rolling for weeks, for months, for years. the angerstorm does not stop. you can’t make it stop. i can’t make it stop.  sometimes it subdues for a minute, for two. it feels warm inside for a moment, for instant. there is no time to warm-up, there is no time to let go. the moment is gone. the instant is lost. the anger is back rolling up, rolling down; my boundless angerstorm.

unable

you quietly sit down on a delicate old chair trying not to make a creak
you close your eyes, you listen to the silence unable to see or speak
sorry, you arrived a bit late
welcome to your journey of hate

nothing

here you are. tomorrow will come. there is nothing. there is nothing that can change. there is nothing that can change you. there is nothing to value. there is nothing to regret. there is nothing to dream about. there is nothing to lie about. there is nothing to forgive. there is nothing to forget.

heart

thick foul yellow scales grew on my heart over time. there were just a few of them at first. i did not notice as the whole heart got covered. it seems it happened so fast. i look at my heart. i can’t see it, i can’t find it. all i see is disgusting yellow matter in the place where something beautiful was meant to be.

the zappos experience

i ordered a pair of shoes for my son from zappos. he tried them on, they looked good. he put them on, he went to school. i threw away the shoe box, the shipping box. the recycle truck came picked it up. my son came back from school with a velcro completely pulled out on his right shoe. the left shoe was fine. i figured, i have to take my new expensive once worn shoe to a shoe fixing place few blocks away, and pay another $10 or so to get the shoe fixed. but then i decided to give zappos a call to see what they’d say. a nice guy apparently named hector told me that it would be no problem to exchange or even completely refund the shoes. that was surprisingly positive. i received the exchange pair the next day; my son came back from school wearing shoes in the same condition as when he left. i received 8 various emails from zappos since i made the exchange. some of them are confirmations, some are announcements, a label to print, a customer appreciation survey to fill, and finally a letter to share my story to be published (if selected) in josheph michelli “the zappos experience” book. i am now not sure it was all worth saving the $10. should i send my story to mr michelli?

happy new year

when you’re young, the winter holidays are the holidays you look forward to the most. as you get older, the repetitiveness of the event bores you out. as you get children, the idea of staying up late on new year’s eve ceases to excite you. you can get so preoccupied with your personal things, you may not even notice new year began. here is a top 10 signs the winter holidays must be over:

10. the line to the returns at century 21 store is much longer than the lines to the registers
9. you see bunch of christmas trees on your street on the morning of the trash pickup
8. the count of bills in your mailbox supersedes the count of greeting cards
7. you email inbox is mostly junk from senders you don’t know
6. few days pass by without seeing your ups guy
5. your groceries are getting delivered without interventions via the phone
4. you are able to listen to the music on the radio
3. you don’t need to call in advance to each place you’re trying to go to make sure they are open
2. you notice a new calendar on your wall
1. you need to go to work

annoying

it can be pretty challenging to realize and especially accept being not liked by someone who used to like you before. this can be true for a relationship on any level – with an owner of a local grocery store, a neighbor, a friend, a spouse. however, you are not the only one having problems. this situation is tough for the other party as well. whatever the reasons are – maybe you’ve done something the other person did not like, maybe he/she found people that are more interesting than you, maybe that person has entered a new life phase, maybe the relationship lost it’s challenge, maybe your presence became plainly annoying, maybe that person took another look at you and thought “eww”, - anything could have happened with a daily flow of life. this person does not hate you, does not want to hurt you. this person just wants you to leave him or her alone for a while for whatever reason. you know that “a while” is likely to last, so you attempt to avoid it.

here is a top 10 signs you are really annoying someone who does not like you that much anymore:

10. you keep starting conversations when the person repetitively states that he/she has too much work to be able to converse during business hours

9. you keep starting conversations when the person repetitively states that he/she has a lot of things going on to be able to converse after business hours

8. you keep suggesting going to places on evenings when the person repetitively needs to get home early

7. you keep suggesting going to places on weekends when the person repetitively has other plans

6. you keep engaging the person into discussions when the only responses you get are no longer than few word sentences

5. you keep sending letters, emails, calling or texting when the person repetitively does not respond to your letters, emails, calls, or texts

4. you keep being friendly when the person tells you that he/she has to join other people’s table at a common social function

3. you keep asking how long this phase will last when the answer you get is it’s all in your mind

2. you keep offering something to the other person when that something is the only item this person is willing to talk to you about

1. you keep talking in this superior know-it-all kind of tone knowing it is the most annoying thing ever because this is the only way for you to keep your cool, and because in reality, you are kind of an annoying

virtual massager

a substitute yoga teacher suggested this meditation:

sit straight. close your eyes. imagine a sparkling small ball filled with light on your tailbone. see the ball rolling up the spine to your neck. see it rolling down the spine back to the tailbone. up the spine again.. few minutes of this..

how do you feel?

a streetcar named desire

i saw cate blanchett last night! i don’t think i have ever seen a better dramatic performance. i came to the theater with very high expectations, and i left completely esthetically fulfilled. she was unbelievable, and kept us all focused for the duration of the whole over 3hrs play.

the theater was also very architecturally interesting. i have never been in the harvey theater in brooklyn (part of bam) until yesterday. the audience was notable as well. some high society members taking a trip to brooklyn on their limos and car services, some faces that you look and can’t quite remember where you’ve seen them – was it in a magazine, was it on tv.. it seemed all the new york intelligence was there.

we went to a coffee house that was so similar to the no longer existing coffee house where we met. a very nice evening on a cold winter day.

moon

you close the door. it is dark and cold outside. the moon is huge, it is right above your street, so white, so large, so enigmatic. you feel like the moon is talking to you. you make a wish. you don’t even need to think of it, there is always just this one wish you have. you ask the moon to make your wish come true.

friends

you call me on the telephone. you start a little polite small talk. you ask me questions about my life before you ask me to help you with your homework. i call you on the telephone. i start a little polite small talk. i offer you my help with your homework before i ask you questions about your life.

box

i am knocking on the glass wall of my box. i am waving at you. i am screaming at you. you turned your back to me. i want you to look at me. i want you to listen to me. i want you to pay attention to me. i knock. i wave. i scream. the track comes, it picks me up in my glass box. it drives me for a while. it lets go of my box.

merged

your world used to be so perfectly divided. there was your current life with your family, your work projects, a few social pals, a nightly tv hour. there was your young life with boys and girls - soon to be senior citizens - who you used to call your friends. there were the one night stands, the unanswered loves, the cigarettes, the clubs, the books, the shots. you used to feel so at ease sharing events of your college life with people at work. you used to feel so relieved being able to tell the truth about your high schools relationships to a friend you met in your 30s. you used to feel so entertained making up stories of your romantic encounters for anyone who listened. you felt so secure separated from that life by years and continents. it was so until the social networking sites came in and merged it all together, bringing chaos into your daily life. suddenly, all these one night encounters materialize into faces for your significant other. suddenly, your late 30s friend befriends a friend of your early 20s. suddenly, you are not sure what you are going to see on your screen each evening. suddenly, you are having a panic attack every time you turn your computer on.
did you really think it through before you opened that facebook account?

exhibit

i open a glass jar. i remove all the stale particles that have been sitting in there for ages. i clean the jar with soap and water until the glass is crystal clear. i climb into the jar. i close the lid. look at me, point at me – i am an exhibit, i am unique.

discontinued

fuck. finally, few months back i found a replacement for my old lipstick that has been discontinued for quite some time. i used to order it from who knows where until it disappeared from the market forever. so, after a long search, i found another one that i loved. and, of course, i go to get the new one, only to find out that sephora has discontinued the brand. i can still buy it, but not at sephora. well, let me tell you, it will not be too long before the brand is dead, when sephora decides they are not making revenue on it. there is a pattern in my life – my beloved facial mask – discontinued, my favorite toothpaste – terminated, so are numerous mascaras, foundations, and various other cosmetic items. don’t get me started on the food. why do my favorite yogurts always have to go? i feel, every product i try and don’t like ends up on the shelves for years in full glory, and everything i like gets kicked out as soon as i feel comfortable with my new product. i obviously don’t have a taste for anything that can hold on the market. well, at least my new lipstick is coming, just extra $6 for shipping, it will be here soon.

regina spektor

the members of the orchestra have left the stage. the performing girl stopped playing her piano. she stopped playing her synthesizer. she stopped playing her guitar. she stopped playing piano with her left hand while hitting a chair with a drumstick with her right hand. she is just standing in the middle of the stage at the radio city, and singing. no musical instruments anymore, voice only. she sounds so much better in concert. this shy audience appreciative nicely weird girl somehow transformed this large commercial venue into something else – just a large dark room filled with a beautiful voice, and with happy people. it was a great concert. i was very impressed.

guilty?

how embarrassing do you find things that touch you, the things that make you sad, the things that occupy your mind? does a seasonal fever of your child concerns you more than a death of your friend’s husband? do you find yourself thinking more about a boy or a girl you like than about your parents’ unemployment? do you think more about a party you are going to throw than about your sibling’s coming graduation day? does a divorce story of a person you barely know touches your heart more than a risky surgery of your relative? do you spend a restless night worrying about your own not-so-hot test results or about the deadly diagnosis of your best friend? do you feel guilty? do you feel like a bad person – an uncaring relative, a selfish friend? do you feel self-centered? do you feel ignorant? can you change your thoughts? can you change your concerns? can you force yourself worry about what you think you should worry about? can you dictate your heart what to be moved by? do you feel comfortable with your thoughts and concerns?

showers

there are these special rituals in america called showers. there are two types of them – a bridal shower, and a baby shower. the concept of these rituals is such – everyone get gifts for a celebrated female, and place them in bags accompanied by cards. then the honorable bride or mother to be is required to open the presents in front of all attending invitees. she opens a first bag, reads a card to herself, thanks the appropriate gift-giving person, then proceeds opening the actual present. in the meantime, all the other respected females are there to judge the item purchaser by the selection she happened to make. then the next bag gets to be opened. repeat. you are considered a weirdo if you try sabotaging the ritual by asking of having your gift not to be opened publicly. whatever your reasons are – you are pretty much defeating the purpose of the gathering by this request. i was wondering if it is possible to alter the order of events without damaging your image too much. can you switch the card and the gift order and purpose? can you write a card suited for public read-aloud, and ask to have your gift to be opened privately instead? have you ever tried?

elephant poop

an elephant turned 180 degrees, he’s behind facing us. he performed a little dance, it was cute. then the enormous pieces of poop started dropping. one, the next, another one.. we are sitting in the circus watching the elephant poop. we are overwhelmed. the children go home and start playing elephant potty training games. i go home, and mention elephant poop in work emails. every day should be an elephant pooping day.

knot

your head feels heavy. the thoughts from today and from yesterday and from the day before and from the week ago and from the year ago all came together and made a tight knot in your brain. you can’t process the thoughts. you can’t think them. you just feel their heaviness, their pressure. you feel the alcohol presence around them. it was supposed to make them feel lighter but it did not. it just made you feel confused. you move the knot of thoughts to the back of your head to let the normal processes function, to let the things flow. you wake up late at night, and you feel the presence of the knot. it moved forward. it wants you to acknowledge it, it needs you to process it, it demands you to accept it. you fix your pillow. you pull up your blanket. you move from your right side to your left. you go back to sleep.

layers

you take a layer off. you do a circle, you send a few smiles. you give a few looks. another layer - off. another circle, more smiles, more looks, more faces, more eyes. layers, layers, more layers. endless layers to take off. is there anything else?

stalker

i am sorry. i have no purpose here. i have no advice. i have no right. we are not even close. i am not even your friend. i can’t get you off my mind. i don’t know why, i don’t know how. it just happened. i feel your fears, i feel your pain, i feel your helplessness. i feel your hope. i feel your happiness at the idea this hope brings. it only goes one way. i can’t send anything back. i can’t send my thoughts, i can’t send my optimism, i can’t send my confidence. i can’t send back this deep feeling of connection i have with you. still, it does not matter. this is not about it. this is not about me. this is not about my uselessness, my feebleness. this is about you. and you will be fine.

sci-fi

a rhinoceros, a giraffe, and a bear are sitting around a giant cactus discussing their breakfast plans. a spaceship flies by with great speed and lands in the fields. the aliens come out. the rhinoceros, the giraffe, and the bear put on camouflage, and sneak to the fields to spy on the spaceship. the war begins.

i feel every sci-fi show my husband watches is just like this.

rickshaw

chinese looking dude is our rickshaw driver. he says he is from kazakhstan, now residing in brooklyn. he will park his vehicle in manhattan before he goes home. he is still working. he does not get that many passengers, he is not spoiled, he wants to impress us. we are way too drunk in order to truly appreciate his efforts. i need to start watching my drinking, it seems. but the air breeze is nice. happily giggly feeling is nice. riding this human-operated transportation in the middle of manhattan late at night is nice. laughing and waving to city tourists is nice. summer is nice. having a friend who is as drunk, smart, witty, and clever as you are is very nice.

rules for crazy mothers

i hear a sound of a mosquito. i know there are must be few of them in our bedroom. i can’t turn the lights on and look for them because there is a baby asleep in our room. the baby is wearing a pajama, but the face is open and vulnerable. the thought of a mosquito biting my sleeping baby is unbearable. i remove my cover sheet. i lay there close to naked thinking there is a larger unprotected square footage on my body than on my baby’s body, therefore a higher chance of a mosquito landing on me. my husband tells me i am insane, and sprays himself with a bug spray.

here is a top 10 rules any crazy woman should establish upon having a child come to an existence:

10. everyone arriving to your house must wear slippers (provided by you), and wash their hands upon entering your living headquarters

9. everyone must sanitize their hands with one of strategically placed variety of hand sanitizers before touching or picking up your baby

8. you must change your child before feeding him despite loosing your mind from the sound of the hungry baby, because the child should not be wet while eating, and because you should not position your baby horizontally for quite sometime after feeding and burping

7. you need to take your baby for a walk every day at least once in between the feedings regardless of the weather or your energy level

6. you must exclusively breastfeed your baby every three hours alternating the breasts with each feeding because that is required for your milk production

5. you must not co-sleep with your baby even if that is the only way to keep her quiet because then you’d be stuck with a toddler in your bed later on

4. there should be no talking while you're breastfeeding because it distracts your baby from eating

3. you must burp your baby for 10 minutes after feedings

2. you have to reverse your stroller and drive it backwards ignoring strange looks by fellow pedestrians each time you get direct sunshine into the stroller that the canopy does not block

1. you need to make key copies for your close family members so they can walk in without disturbing you and your baby in case you are napping/feeding/changing

today

you are saying, you are going to take a different train. you are saying it is faster for you to get home this way. i sense, you don’t want to hang out with me. i sense, you don’t want to make friends with me. i sense, i annoy you. i sense, i bother you. i am overly talkative, i am overly loud, i am overly irritating.. i am overly sensitive. i am overly insecure. i am overly doubtful.. i am going to step aside. i will not attempt to hang out with you. i will not attempt to make friends with you. until today. today is a different day. today, i don’t care what train you want to take. today, i don’t care that i am that irritating, talkative, or loud. today, i don’t feel sensitive. today, i don’t feel insecure. today, i don’t feel doubtful. today, i will attempt to hang out with you. today, i will attempt to make friends with you. maybe for you or maybe for me.

rain

you are walking home in the pouring rain. your new black $4 chinese umbrella is half-way broken from the wind. your new black $300 italian stilettos are ruined. all you want is to get home, take all the wet clothes off, put on your pajamas, get a nice cup of hot chocolate, wrap yourself in a blanket, sit on a cozy big chair by the window, turn the lights off, and quietly relax there watching the rain from the inside. that’s all you want walking through giant puddles, damaging your shoes more and more, holding your broken umbrella against the wind. you get to your house, you open your door, you take off your clothes, you put on your pajamas, you turn on your laptop, you turn on your tv, you microwave your weight-watchers, you sit down on your couch, you start typing.

birthing

i attend birth classes. i have a birth plan. i have a pillow packed in my suitcase. i have a robe packed in my suitcase. i have multiple juice cartons packed in my suitcase. my suitcase is ready to go.

i am starting working from home. i sit down, i connect. i am ready to run my script. something does not feel right. my water breaks right there. oh shit. first, i get some paper towels in attempt to clean up the mess. the water keeps pouring. second, i pick up my phone and call my husband at work. i ask him to call me a car service, and communicate to them that the driver needs to come inside, and get my suitcase out. third, i send an instant message to my coworker telling him i can’t help his client today.

now i need to concentrate. i need to figure out how i can transport myself having nonstop pouring water. the doorbell rings. i press the button to open the front door. nobody comes in. i wait. i call the car service, i ask them to call the driver, and ask him to come inside. finally the confused driver shows up. i tell him, we are going to the hospital. i tell him, i have babies to deliver. i am walking with a towel between my legs.

we get to the car. my main concern is not to get the water on the seat. we start driving. it feels kind of hot. this is a middle of the summer. this is the hottest week so far. i ask the driver to make the air cooler. his conditioner is maxed out. he says it does not work that great. ok, change of plans. i will not be able to spend an hour in this car in my condition. we need to go back to the car service location and change cars. we get there. i sense that the driver is kind of relieved that he will not be the one driving the insane pregnant water dripping woman to the manhattan hospital.

i introduce myself to the next driver. we test the air in his car. it is a little better. i tell the driver we need to get to the hospital as fast as we can. i ask the driver to take the battery tunnel instead of the bridge. the driver suggests taking the bridge because it is free, and there should not be a big traffic at this hour. i reiterate to the driver that my water broke, and we are in a rush to get to the hospital. i reiterate to the driver that paying the toll is not an issue. the driver does not seem to agree, but takes the tunnel nevertheless. the driver keeps talking about how taking the bridge would have been a better choice.

we get to the hospital, my husband gets to the hospital. we proceed upstairs to deliver babies.

mug of love

it began as a regular unremarkable typical gloomy day. i was walking as usual, carrying my giant mug - the mug of love. all my love for you. and then i tripped. and all the love spilled out of the mug. and it was love everywhere. and all these people came out of nowhere with their little cups, and they started helping me to collect my lost love. and they gave me their little cups, full of love, and they left. and i did not know what to do. and i did not know how to feel.

bizarre evening

i decided to attend a pretty unusual event last night. as the evening progressed, it became apparent that everything leading to the event was also pretty odd.

here is the top 10 signs you are having a bizarre evening (listed in chronological order of personal experience):

10. you notice about 10 strollers parked in the lobby of the trendy restaurant of your choice.

9. at 6:30pm, after spending about 15 minutes deciding what to order, you double check your performance confirmation, to find out that the event is scheduled to start at 7pm and not at 8pm as you expected.

8. after the dramatic realization of your unfortunate circumstances, you are prepared to leave hungry and sad, and get a snack someplace else. you explain your situation to the waiter who acts very friendly and commits on serving you in the next 10 minutes.

7. the food is great, and you are able to eat it, and pay for it by 6:55pm.

6. you promptly arrive to the venue to observe that it is pretty much a black tie event.

5. the curtain raises and you are presented with about 40 people in chairs on stage who proceed giving each other various awards, and talking about things you have no clue about.

4. the awards ceremony takes about an hour. you are overwhelmed by the thoughts of uncertainty whether the awards ceremony is all you are going to see. you are overwhelmed by the thoughts of the length of the ceremony. you are overwhelmed by the thoughts of what could have happened have you eaten your dinner under the impression that the show begins at 8pm. you are overwhelmed by the thoughts of what you would presently feel have the waiter did not suggest serving you in the record speed.

3. the performance begins. the event you chose to see is the gala performance by the ballet students from 17 different countries who are selected by new york international ballet competition.

2. after the show you decide to go to the grocery store at the basement of the same building and spend about 30 minutes in there filling the shopping cart with various soy products.

1. on your way home, both of your trains show up right upon your arrival.

figurines

i think they should start selling jon and kate + 8 dolls at this point. a little smart-ass korean dude wearing sweatshirt and shorts, a bitchy short-haired blond female figurine, 8 little kid creatures - 6 very small and 2 slightly bigger, with all boys wearing same brown clothes, and all girls in different pink outfits. i tell you, these dolls will sell like crazy. i turned on my tv the other day, and larry king was there not talking about political figures or entertainment celebrities, no, larry king had few psychologists there with him discussing jon and kate marriage. i understand cheap magazines are doing it, but larry king? it’s insane. who is leading whom in this world?

at least now the media attention finally turned someplace else with michael jackson’s death. at least this event truly requires media coverage. he also honestly deserves all his life-size wax figures. poor poor michael jackson. “she says i am the one”..

winner

you never let yourself fail. you don’t accept defeat. you are not a loser. you are a winner, you are a fighter. you manage to find victories where others see no choice but to give up. it does not matter what you’re up against – a person, a system, nature, yourself. you’re going to win, just wait and see.

what will be your next challenge? what will be your next fight?

bad mother?

the crying of your baby terrifies you. it shows you - you are a bad mother, it shows you – you are an incompetent mother. there is nothing you can do to calm your baby down except feeding her. this is not the feeding time. your baby is crying, you are crying. when your baby cries at night, you despise yourself for wanting to sleep. you hate the fact that what you want the most is to get that baby quiet so you can rest. you don’t want the baby to sleep as much as you want to sleep yourself. you pick your baby up, and you walk with her nonstop for hours in the middle of the night because your mothering instinct tells you to do so. it does not calm the baby down. it does not calm you down. you are barely thinking, you are barely functioning. how did you end up not being prepared? how did you end up not being prepared for your incompetence, for your exhaustion? how did you end up not being prepared for thinking you are a bad mother?

fears

the world thinks you’re a bit crazy. the world thinks you’re smart. the world thinks you’re pragmatic. the world thinks you’re tough. you’re full of fears. you look inward – you’re scared. you look into future – you’re scared. your world has changed, you’re not used to it, you’re not sure how to handle it. you put your hand on your heart to listen to the beat. in your mind, you impatiently cross each day off your mental calendar when you go to bed. you count days forward, you count them in reverse. you get used to it. you get used to your fears. your fears don’t scare you as much anymore. you think you’re a bit crazy. you think you’re smart. you think you’re pragmatic. you think you’re tough. you think you can handle this. you think everything will be just fine.

phases

i envy artists. not only they are cool, not only they get to do what they like, not only they can explore their creativity, but they also able to define their life phases. you can take a brush and paint all in blue colors while you feel like it, and then, when your world is no longer blue, you throw that blue boring paint out, you reach for the pink one, you start your new work. how lucky are you? phases. periods. you get them too, right? how can you, untalented inartistic mediocre asshole, find ways to express your little insignificant life periods? can you do it in your client meetings? can you do it in your programming code? can you do it counting your company’s finances? how can you mark phases of your life?

friends at work

sometimes you make friends at your work. sometimes friends at your work make you feel ignorant. sometimes friends at your work make you feel clueless. sometimes friends at your work make you feel intimidating. sometimes friends at your work make you feel insecure. sometimes friends at your work make you feel annoying. sometimes friends at your work make you feel stubborn.

your friends at work just want to do a good job. you just want to do a good job. your friends at work just disagree with you on something work related. you just feel pressured, you just feel stressed. your friends at work just feel pressured, your friends at work just feel stressed.

will you remember your friends at work few years from now? will you remember your work few years from now? would you like your friends at work to remain your friends few years from now? would you like your work to remain your work few years from now? do you think your friends at work will be your friends few years from now? do you think your work will be your work few years from now?

routine

would you rather go out with your friends or with your mother when you are a kid? of course, you prefer your friends. your friends are cool, your friends are fun, you have so much in common. your mother has a lot in common with you as well, but the common ground there is your routine daily life. that is boring. then one day you find a girl or a boy you like, you start dating. that person is cool, that person is fun, you have so much in common. the next thing – the date becomes your boyfriend or girlfriend, the next thing – you live together, the next thing – you have your own family. would you rather go out with your friends or with your significant other when you’ve been together for a while?

bathroom

i bought a new potty for my kids and placed it in the bathroom. my daughter walked in and sat on it. knock-knock, who is there? - asked my son. it’s your sister on the potty. can i come in? - asked my son. sure, come on in. he walked in and sat on the step-stool. the kids started playing. knock-knock, who is there? – asked my husband home early off his work. we all are. can i come in? – asked my husband. sure, go ahead. he walked in, and sat on the lid of the toilet. they started reading books. knock-knock, who is there? – asked my mother visiting today..

that is our current life. bathroom is our family room, bathroom is our lounge room. we spend hours in there. we do everything in there. another potty (the same as the potty that both of the kids like) will be delivered to us next week. i am not sure where i will find room for it in there.

they build themselves a better bigger bathroom and all fit in there perfectly, - is an unlikely ending of this one.

we like potty training. how long does it take again?

spinning top toy

our kids have a spinning top toy. it broke a while ago, and would not spin. my husband tried fixing it, my father tried fixing it, my stepfather tried fixing it. the toy remained broken. my <3 year old son tried fixing it yesterday. he concentrated. he worked hard. he fixed the top toy.

wedding

my little cousin is getting married. my children are 1 month old. i am sleep deprived, i am very hormonal, i am breastfeeding exclusively. the children must be attached to my breasts every 3 hours. the feeding process alone takes about 40 minutes, followed by about 10 minutes of burping. the wedding location is about 2 hours drive. of course i am going to attend. my mother’s family is invited as well. we rent a hotel room 5 minutes drive from the wedding venue. we alternate. first, my mother goes to party. my first breastfeeding round begins. by the end of it, the ceremony is about to end. my stepfather drives my mom to the hotel room, he drives me and my husband to the venue. he drives himself back to help babysitting. we watch the end of the ceremony. the bride is beautiful, the dress is amazing. now is the time for everyone to take a break and to move to the dinning area. we socialize, we are getting entertained. by the time waiters ask for our dinner choice, we need to go back for the round two. we order for my mother, we attempt to explain this to the waiters. i am hungry as hell, my cortisol is high, my estrogen is high. my stepfather brings us some entries the waiters managed to pack for us. he drives back to the party. i stay to breastfeed. another hour passes by, we go back to celebrate. my mother goes back to the room. we get to eat some desert, we get to talk to the relatives, we get to dance a little. the celebration is ending. the music is ending. i call my mother that it’s over, they should pick us up, we should leave. my mother does not pick up her phone for 30 minutes. the phone is on the silent mode in her bag. now we can’t leave because we have to wait for the next feeding. we leave around 1am.

this was the first night my daughter slept 6 hours straight. my son slept 4, it was pretty good too. i am very happy i went to the wedding. i saw my cousin getting married, i got a fun story to remember and to tell, and i saw hope that my kids will sleep at night one day.

music class

hello everybody, we are so glad to see you.. on my left, there is a cylon model #2 from battlestar galactica and his cylon daughter. the next in the circle is robert barone from everybody loves raymond with his cheerful child, and his typical brooklynite wife. the next couple is joey tribbiani from friends, his nice friendly wife, and their two kids. then go the boy/girl twins accompanied by toystory’s buzz lightyear and shrek’s princess fiona parents. there is also the instructor – this plumpy little bold papa smurf character. these are some of our music class for babies companions. we attend this class every sunday. we sing what the teacher sings, we do what the teacher does. our kids like the music class.

mystery brownie

the brownie is sitting here making a fool out of me. don’t laugh at me, you stupid brownie.

the girl that cleans our house comes every other week. after her last visit, a brownie was found in a little package in the basement. we preserved it, we put it in the refrigerator. we assumed the girl forgot to eat it and left it there. yesterday she came to clean again. as she was leaving, i remembered about the brownie. i told her it’s in the refrigerator, and still must be good. the girl gave me a surprised suspicious look. she said she does not think she ever left a brownie. i told her to check it in the fridge. she did not take the brownie. it was not her brownie.

how did you get here, stupid brownie? who are you? why are you here?

matrix

i fell asleep watching the first matrix movie in a theater. the concept seemed way too sci-fi for me to comprehend. it feels so real to me now.

you are carrying purchased toilet paper from a local supermarket. you update your facebook status to 'waiting for american idol finale' using your telephone on your way home. you look forward to playing warcraft with your fellow avatar friends. you meet people every day. you enjoy the conversations, you have fun. you will never touch any of them. they are people, they exist, they are real. are you?

you think, you type. here you are, in your virtual reality. does it feel right? does it feel real? is it real? how far are you from letting your body just sit there feeding energy to the machine? does your mind feel happy? then you must be happy. mind is in control.

how far am i from getting older? how far am i from making fun of the new and modern? am i rejecting it? what am i presently doing?

kill a cat

dedicated to all the cats – dead, alive, barely alive, and on the way to meet their creator.

how much does it cost to kill a cat? a person generally gets a cat to have a cozy furry companion, and normally a person understands the responsibilities that go along with owning a pet. as a cat owner, you must feed your animal, you must provide it with a clean bathroom and the ease of going there. you must occasionally play with the cat or otherwise entertain it to keep the pet happy. you also must be willing to accept few inconveniences of owning a cat, such as scratched furniture, cat hair covered clothes, and occasional urination. eventually, the time comes when the animal is no longer a pleasant companion but pretty much a burden. the cat gets old, the cat gets sick, the cat gets ugly, the cat needs medical care. it’s not like you can open a door for your cat to join all the stray cats that hung out behind your backyard, part with it, and hope that it will remember all the good times you had. this is your freaking pet, you are responsible for it. can you go to a vet, show him your pitiful miserable creature, ask the vet to inject the animal with a lullaby drug, say your last prayers, and wish the cat the best in its next life? you wish, you could. the more humane the vet acts regarding your animal, the more video games he can buy for his kids. this pattern is not intentional, it just works out this way. the vet thinks he has to thoroughly examine your disintegrating animal and provide it with the best possible care. each exam is followed by a set of medications, followed by another exam. the vet does not think you have the right to give up on your pet. the vet does not think money should be an issue. the vet is treating your animal the same way a doctor is treating your family member, your friend. you treat your cat as your pet, as an animal you once chose to own for some reason. you know the cat’s place. you know its place in your life, you know its place in your heart. you are the one who defined it. you are not allowed to define it anymore. no, not on it’s death bed. you are allowed to pay the bills. you are allowed to wonder – how much does it cost to kill a cat.

reincarnation

do you believe in reincarnation? does a thought of taking part in an experiment ever cross your mind? do you feel belonging to a group of people that keep reincarnated constantly working on their karma? do you find it refreshing and entertaining? do you find it repetitive and exhausting? how do you like this alteration?

ukrainian girl

i am the last ukrainian girl in new york. i put my embroidered shirt on, i put my flowered wreath on, i put my red miniskirt on, i put my authentically threaded apron on, i put my red boots on. here i go. i am ready to embarrass myself. look at me. i am the last ukrainian girl in new york.

media

i prefer fiction to reality. i’d rather watch a movie than a news channel, i’d rather read a book than a newspaper. reality is idiotic. politics are complicated, boring, and sad. i don’t mind being ignorant and unaware. sometimes, the information slips in despite my deliberate mindlessness. occasionally, the information is interesting. most of the time, however, the information reassures me in my chosen ignorance. here is the top 10 list of news i recently overheard on major (repeat major) media sites and channels:

10. the price of the metrocard will be increased
9. some old and ugly british woman overwhelmed judges on a contest show in england with her incredible voice
8. a guy was meeting up women through craigslist and murdering them, and there is a concern now that craigslist is dangerous
7. egypt is killing all their pigs to protect the citizens from swine flu
6. many mothers don’t allow their children to go to dates, playdates, and prom nights in fear of swine flu
5. there is a swine flu epidemic in mexico
4. jon from jon and kate plus 8 reality show was caught running away from paparazzi with another woman
3. the likeliness of you to divorce is found proportional to the number of your not smiling childhood photographs
2. ashton kutcher got 1 million followers on twitter faster than cnn got them
1. economy is pretty bad at the moment

audience

how often do you feel incompetent? how often do you feel helpless? how often do you feel vulnerable? how often do you feel incompetent, helpless, and vulnerable knowing that your audience envisions you as strong, confident, and sure? do you hide your feelings, do you suppress them in order not to disappoint your audience? do you hide them out of fear that your audience would like you less? do you hide them out of fear that your audience would like themselves less seeing you this way? do you never feel incompetent, helpless, and vulnerable? who is your audience?

ues

it started on a bus. i looked around. the only people i saw were these intelligent looking, pretty and handsome guys and girls. the bus stopped in front of a museum. i looked around. the only people i saw inside were these even more intelligent looking, more pretty, more handsome guys and girls. they were young. some spoke with accents, some spoke in foreign languages. we walked to a vegan restaurant nearby. i looked around. it seemed we were following the pretty, the handsome, the intelligent, the young. or maybe they were following us? next time i want pretty, i want handsome, i want young, i want intelligent – look for me there.

love story

at first i loved you. i could not be apart from you, i could not think of anything but you. i could not live without being with you. then i could not love you anymore. i loved the memories of you. i loved everything you ever said, every look you ever looked. i could not live without remembering you. then there were no more memories left. i could not love them anymore. i created your image and i loved that. i imagined your appearance, i imagined your life, i imagined your thoughts. i could not live without imagining you. then i could not imagine anymore. i just needed to love you. i could not love you. i could live.

spoiled

you’re spoiling me. it scares me when you do that. i know you. i know you like me to be scared. i know you like me to lose guard. i know you like me to want more. i know you like me to feel in control. i don’t like being spoiled. i don’t like being off guard. i don’t like wanting more. i don’t like feeling in control. i don’t like changes. i like you.

red

you are crossing a street. you feel blinded by the red beam of a traffic light. your fingers feel numb, your legs, your toes feel numb. your head feels wet, you are not sure if you are sweating or if it’s raining. all you see is red. you hear silence.

dark

what creature are you? your eyes change color when it becomes dark, you facial lines change directions, your lips change shape. as soon as the moon shows up, you look different, you act different. i like you this way. i like you when it’s dark. i should never tell this to you.

girl

a teenage girl is sitting on the steps of a brownstone holding a cell phone and a yellow balloon smocking a cigarette. a garbage track comes by. she gets up. she throws the cell phone and the yellow balloon in the track and walks away. she keeps walking down the street. you stand and keep watching her until you can’t see her anymore.

recharge

do you feel gloomy? do you feel tired? do you feel worried? do you feel worthless? load gogol bordello to your ipod, put on your sneakers, go outside. see what happens.

dehumanization

when i was young learning about the holocaust and then stalinism, i always felt tremendous sense of tragic horrible mistake. there were oppressed and oppressive, and it was obvious to me who was good and bad. what i could not understand was how millions of others were able to coexist with what was happening. how so many people could have been so wrong, how the world could have been different if they were voicing their thought and fears. i understood they were afraid to tell the others, but i could not understand why would they think the others were unlike them. i thought that the conversations could have caused a public riot, could have changed history. i could not understand how so many people could have been so wrong about human nature. i thought human nature was to be kind, to not kill, to be honest, to expect the same of others.

later i came to think that the human nature is to let to be brainwashed by the one with the most power or the most oratory skills. later i came to think that the human nature is to let others decide on important matters concerning others. later i came to think that the human nature is to avoid getting to extreme or dangerous situations. it is in your nature to want to stay away while you can in hopes to protect yourself if you are neither a humanity hater, nor a wannabe superhero.

i also realized the human nature is to adapt to any given situation regardless how far off it is. the more dehumanized a person gets, the more impossible it is for him to describe or mentally relive the experience. the more extreme, inhumane conditions are, the more similar oppressed and oppressive become. both act their best based on what they’ve got. something made the oppressive to take the job. he acts his best with being one. unless he is a true killer or incredibly brave, the best he got is blocking it out. something made the oppressed to be captured. he acts his best with being one. he acts his best to survive, he acts his best to block it out.

the reader movie is the inspiration for this post. an uneducated simpleminded 20 year old girl, probably an orphan, becomes ss guard. she is not a hero, she is not a killer, she just does her job well, she guards. here is another young girl – she is there because she is captured and she is jewish. she is not a hero, she is not a killer, she tries to survive. you see a sad lonely old woman in prison, and a successful park avenue bitch, and does it look like justice or does it look like a sequence of more or less random circumstances that can happen to anyone?

yourself

can you say that you know who you are? can you say that you know the truth about your desires, behaviors, reasons, and motives? do you feel like each day alters your personality somewhat? do you feel that today you are a bit different person from whom you were yesterday? your life is so busy, you spend it in conversations with people around, you talk to them the way they need to be talked to, you talk to them about things they need to hear. are these your words? are these your thoughts? did you have them before? do you remember what did you want to talk about? do you remember what did you want to hear? does not it feel like this hustle takes you further and further away from yourself? can you keep up with knowing yourself? can you keep up with defining yourself? you feel like a giant snake trying to collect yourself, get your thoughts together, but by the time you locate your tail, your head is some place else. you go home after a hard day at work trying to find your inner balance, your peace, but by the end of the day you are either so tired you drop dead asleep or you go wild and get busy having sex. either way, tomorrow arrives, and your head is another foot further away from your tail.

turtle

my friend and i are walking on campus. we see a turtle. it looks so cute. i want it as my pet. we take it to the next class and let it go around the classroom. everyone has fun, especially the teacher. the teacher is so cute, all the girls flirt with him. he flirts with my turtle. i take it to the dorms. i introduce it to my roommate. i don’t know how to take care of it, i don’t know what to feed it, i don’t have time to do any research. there is no internet. i throw cucumber peels and leaves all over the floor for the turtle to eat. i put some water in there. my roommate is bothered by my turtle. my roommate is bothered by the fact i don’t buy herbalife from her. my roommate is bothered by the fact she has no money. my roommate does not feel that great these days. i go home one weekend. i come back. the turtle is gone. the roommate does not admit throwing it out, but i know the truth. i feel uncontrollable sense of anger. i start smoking in the room. i start playing loud music. i start keeping the lights on. i hate doing all that, but i feel the need to. i can’t stand her. she threw my turtle. i go to vacation, i come back. my roommate is gone. she switched rooms. i get another roommate. she is nice. i never find my turtle.

coffee

you place brazilian, colombian, and french coffee bags on the counter. you chew a bean of each. you smile at the thought of brewing all three bags, pouring them in different cups, lining the cups like obedient victims of your experiment, and seeing how fast you can drink them up. you smile at the thought of having your heart jumping out of your chest. you smile at the thought of throwing each cup on the floor upon emptying it. you smile at the thought of cigarette taste in your mouth. you pour a little bit of colombian coffee in the coffeemaker. you put the bags back in the cabinet. you put tinted moisturizer on. you put mascara on. you put pink lipstick on. you put on black wool pants and blue cachemire sweater you prepared the night before. you take few sips of the coffee you made. you leave the cup on the counter. you go to work.


on the coffee subject, i suggest a fun movie by the name of coffee and cigarettes, if you appreciate the beverage. as a matter of fact, i suggest everything by jim jarmusch, especially dead man, mystery train, and stranger than paradise if you appreciate somewhat unconventional witty genre.

true story about how i got my driver license

here i am, finally in new york. i did it, i made it here. eventually i will need a job, but for now for the first few months i am going to attend english school for free. this is my first week here. my father is overly neurotic. my father says i need to get a driver license. my father says i need to do it right away because a) i have time now, and b) a driver license is the most important form of id, and i should get one. i have never driven a car in my life. i have never paid any attention to others driving. obtaining the license process consists of two steps – answering multiple choice questioner and the actual driving test.

i need to focus on the written test right now. i can do it. i just need to study questions and answers. they allow you to take the test in russian, so it should make it easy. i study for few hours. next day i go to the motor vehicle department. i am not sure how to get there, my cousin goes with me. they ask for my choice of language. i ask for the russian version of the test. i go to the room. i circle the answers. i give the test back. they tell me to wait. they come back. they say i failed. they say i can try again if i want. i do. i get another russian test. i go to the room. i circle the answers. i give the test back. they tell me to wait. they come back. they say i failed. they say i need to come back if i want to test again. only two trial attempts per day are allowed. my english is pretty bad. i tell them in my broken english there must be a mistake. there must be a problem with the russian translation of the questions. they ask me if i want to test in english. i tell them my english is not good enough. i ask for the test in hebrew. they tell me they don’t have one. i yell at them. i ask how can it be possible, how can israeli people be discriminated like that. they apologize. i tell them they need to give me a third chance with the russian test because they don’t have one in hebrew. they agree. they give me another test. i circle the answers. i give the test back. they tell me to wait. they come back right away. they congratulate me. they tell me i passed. they tell me to expect my learning permit in the mail.

i take driving lessons. i am pretty bad. i have no sense of directions in a vehicle. i don’t feel the vehicle i am driving. i can’t parallel park to the death of me. still my teacher thinks i am ready for the test. we go to the test location. my examiner turns out to be an old lady. my instructor tells me she hates when people drive slowly with her. i drive fast. i forget to stop on the stop sign, i am driving so fast. she tells me to stop and parallel park. i can’t do it quite right. she tells me i failed. i take one more lesson. we schedule another test. i get middle aged talkative hispanic male. i smile at him throughout the test. i talk to him. i look at him. i don’t pay much attention to the road. i don’t look to my left, i don’t look to my right. he tells me to stop and parallel park. i can’t do it quite right. the guy smiles at me and congratulates me. he tells me i passed. he tells me to expect my driver license in the mail.

clown

you put your clown hat on. you don’t feel comfortable without it. it is the only way you could come up with an excuse. the hat is an excuse from the expectations of acting by the script. clowns are exempt. they don’t check clowns for faking. one’s content with being a clown is good enough proof. no one in the script can have such desire. they all like clowns in the script. you just have to be a good one. you just have to remember you are a clown.

books

i don’t think it is possible for me to come up with a true list of top 10 books. i can’t favor the same way a book that i loved 20 years ago. and i can’t omit it from the list because 20 years ago i loved it much more than i love my favorite book today. so far, i think, there is a favorite book for each period of my life. here it goes backwards:

10. geek love by katherine dunn
9. diary and invisible monsters by chuck pahlaniuk (tie between these two)
8. letters to milena, and some of the short stories, and some of the castle chapters by franz kafka (tie between these three and i can’t count the entire content of the castle)
7. one flew over the cuckoo's nest by ken kesey
6. arc de triomphe by erich maria remarque
5. the forsyte saga by john galsworthy
4. three musketeers by alexander dumas
3. set of stories about pioneers-heroes by different authors
2. the wizard of the emerald city by alexander volkov (improvisation based on the wonderful wizard of oz by l. frank baum)
1. il romanzo di cipollino by gianni rodari


i am reading a book now (the final confession of mabel stark by robert hough) that can get close to ending on this list as well, although it is highly unlikely to expect it to knock out geek love.

cacophony

a girl on stage is playing violin. it is undoubtful she is trying to pull some avant-garde improvisation here. some people seem to be buying it, but unfortunately for her, in reality this cacophony is pretty pathetic. and unfortunately for me, i can only associate it with sitting on the toilet. wait, there is a person i know, who’s communication attempts i associate with this activity as well. now, this can be fun. next piece of music is starting. next person comes to mind. i like this game. and i have a new friend. and i am drunk. perfect.


talking about music, there is a singer i recently discovered – kt tunstall, who is famous by that devil wears prada theme song. she seems to have some interesting selections that can be good as exercise music and as listen while work music.

text

they say, people experience world around them using mainly one sense out of three – seeing, hearing, or touching/smelling. hearing is obviously my weakest sense. next goes the touching and smelling. i guess that makes seeing the strongest one for me. but i don’t think it works like that. i don’t necessarily like to be presented with images to see. it is much more interesting to have something to build the images off. i like having the material, like text. text is perfect. your image is as elaborate as the complexity of the material you give me. you give me boring text, you simply don’t get an image. work on your text if you care for one. and leave some empty space for me to fill.

fencing

i am watching you through the fencing mask. your body seems trained and exited. i can’t see your face, you are wearing the mask yourself. you are trying to scare me with the tactic screaming. it doesn’t make me afraid, but i really don’t like it. i am trying to hit you. i don’t want you to lose. too bad i can’t see your face, i can’t see the way it moves when you’re attacking me. it would be nice if i could.

walk

i am walking the streets of my city with my best friend. she is walking with me all the time these days. i think she does not trust me to walk on my own. i think she realized i’m going to be gone. i did not realize it yet. she says i will realize it later, maybe few days after i will move. i feel like i have a tennis ball jumping inside my hollow body. what other streets do i want to walk? i don’t know. we walk into an entrance of a random apartment building. i take a stone off the ground. i scrape some words on the wall. they read – everything that is done is done for the best.

я иду по улицам моего города с моей лучшей подругой. она сопровождает меня постоянно эти дни. мне кажется, она не доверяет мне ходить одной. мне кажется, она осознала, что меня здесь больше не будет. я еще этого не осознала. она говорит, я осознаю это позже, может через пару дней после переезда. я ощущаю как будто теннисный мяч прыгает внутри моего полого тела. какие еще улицы я хочу обойти? я не знаю. мы заходим в подъезд какого-то дома. я поднимаю камень с земли. я царапаю что-то на стене. моя надпись говорит – все, что ни делается, все к лучшему.

zombie watch

it is pretty difficult to hold a job that is not a careless 9 to 5 job but also not a job you spend your life at. on one side there is something like self-contained google empire with restaurants, shops, gyms, beauty salons. everything you may need is there for you to enjoy for free while staying productive. you never need to leave, you never want to leave. i wonder if they have dating services on premises. on another side there is a regular asshole 9-5 job at some crappy office where you can have plenty of time for yourself on evenings and weekends. still you feel unhappy because most of your day is spend doing routines you are far from enjoying. you want to make it interesting, you want to be involved. it is not easy to maintain sanity trying to do well at your job without going overboard. going overboard means getting brainwashed and being turned into a zombie. this process usually takes a while to work on you, and you often miss the signals. then it is too late, and you are unable to realize the transformation ever took place. here is the top 10 list of symptoms to watch out when suspecting you’re turning into a zombie at your place of employment:

10. you willingly accept relocation to help out your employer when it interferes with your own life

9. you give away your pet because your long working hours prevent you from taking care of it

8. you are so overwhelmed by the number of meetings and the amount of work that you don’t have time for personal conversations

7. you check your work mail at least 8 times on weekends

6. your idea of lunch is spending 10 minutes chewing dry food in your cubical watching cnn.com

5. emails about organizational restructure make sense to you

4. you’re holding off going to the bathroom until you hit the send button

3. re-reading 80% of your own business emails show you the sender must be taking a happy pill

2. you think of something related to your client or process during childbirth

1. you notice you’re starting paying attention at meetings

rabbit

you are standing in the backyard taking the skin off the decapitated rabbit you killed. the blood is dropping on the ground off your knife. you are remembering petting this rabbit’s nose, looking into his eyes, stroking his years. you are thinking whether you should bake or stew his meat. you swallow your saliva. you feel sudden hunger. you put the rabbit in the freezer. you take ice cream out. it is chocolate strawberry flavor. you put it in a waffle cone. you lick the top.

spam

we all get bunch of spam from people we know. people like something, they think it's funny or pretty, they spam others who don't find it interesting or amusing at all. we all do it. i send spam to you when i like something and think you would like it as well. i don't expect any replies because of the reasons above. i don't get them most of the time. there was a weird pretty uncommon creature in our backyard the other day. my husband took pictures. i sent them to you. everyone replied. some of you said the animal was cute, some of you said the animal was ugly. it does not matter what you said. you did not take it as spam. you were interested. i was interested seeing your replies. was it because you like animals? was it because you found this particular animal so intriguing? was it because you wanted to communicate with me that day?

cookies

you are standing in your kitchen eating little chocolate chip cookies you like. you feel your cheeks getting wider and wider, plumper and plumper. you feel your stomach getting bigger and bigger, fatter and fatter. you can’t stop stuffing yourself. you throw the empty cookie box out. you take an onion out of the refrigerator. you take a bite.

pause

having children helps social life so much. first of all, the kids bring you to some circles you would have never visit otherwise. then they are the subject you can always talk about. any awkward situation, any long pause – just mention something your child has done today. there must have been something funny or worth talking about. and you don’t have to think much, it is always on your mind. the conversation just naturally flows. if you are young, and have problems holding conversations, just get yourself a child. your life will be so easy. but until you do, what can you talk about? you can try talking about your parents, but god knows, there is nothing funny or worth mentioning in that department. and it’s never on your mind. so what do you talk about when the pause arrives? do you have a special topic for this case? do you hold the pause?

turnarounds

can you be an abusive controlling tyrant and a quiet obedient follower at the same time? can your love and support instantly turn into spite and hate? can your dominance instantly turn into submission? can your happiness instantly turn into depression? can your deep interest instantly turn into complete indifference? does anything need to happen to cause it?

fanatism

milady de winter is finally captured by the lord of buckingham and locked in prison. religious fanatic by the name of john felton is placed to watch her. as sexy and charismatic as milady is, she manages to seduce the guard who proceeds to abandon his divine fanatism and murder the duke. this was my first acquaintance with the word fanatic. falling madly in love to carry out a murder, and being hanged for it sounded much more superior than the narrow-minded fanatism. yet, felton’s fanatic personality could have contributed to his blind devotion to milady.

the management of my company sent out an email asking us “to be fanatical in your pursuit towards delighting our customers”. i was thinking about adding an email footer using one of the fanatism descriptions from the dictionary, but maybe i should present them with a copy of the three musketeers?

russian mentality

it’s no wonder, america is such a happy country compared to russia. first of all, the antidepressants - russia does not have the drugs available. but it does not matter – find me a russian who is willing to consume the pill. popular russian opinion of these medication is that they cause brain malfunction. who needs that when you can have the bottle! everything is set to prepare a russian child to a great deal of life disappointments ahead starting with the moment a kid is born. take a look at the children stories. poor cats are forced to the street when their house is set on fire, and no one is offering a shelter. the spider’s torture of a fly is described in a great details as well as his final beheading by the mosquito. the wolf undergoes a special voice alteration operation, so he can sound like the mama-goat, the baby-goats open the door and get eaten. the compassionate bunny welcomes a fox to his house who threatens him, and makes him to leave. but all of this can be topped off by the cartoon about a penguin who gets drowned protecting his egg, that someone replaces with a stone. i just love these children stories, do you?

trust

i am very cautious with trust. being careful with it is a part of my profession. i get to decide who gets the full access and therefore the full trust, versus limited access and the level of it. there is an elaborate complex database of thoughts in my head. my impression of it is even more involved than what it really is, given my delusions of grandeur. nobody gets the full access to this data. you may be honored enough to have some modify permission that allow you to influence changing of my mind. read access is the most complicated here. it has to be partitioned by the type of data domains, by the categories of thoughts, by my willingness to share. you need to work hard to get the access, some try bribing me, sometimes it works. do not mess up this database, do not read the data out too loudly, someone may hear and corrupt it.

interaction

you don’t mind being weird. you are fine to be considered odd and maybe somewhat eccentric. it does not bother you, quite the opposite. it proves to you, you are not a sheep. all is fine until there is an interaction involved; interaction with someone else who does not necessarily want to be considered that different. it is possible, but you don’t know it. it bothers you to cause a discomfort to this person by association with you. it bothers you to be your real self around this person because your action towards your new object of affection may cause others to change their views of this person. you mutate your real self.

jealous?

are you jealous, my dear? has this finally happened to you? did this popular human sense lastly found a way to register an emotion in your heart? was all i had to do was to like somebody else? did i need to like somebody else more than i ever liked you? are you now ultimately ready to accept my love? will you let me love you? really? i am sorry, it is my alarm, i need to wake up. maybe in another dream.

whining

one form of behavior that annoys the hell out of me is whining. i am trying to remember, and i don’t think it used to bother me. i did not have that much of what you wanted for yourself. it is not the case anymore. everything you whine about, i suspect you think i have it. it makes me uncomfortable. i want you to have everything you want, i think you should have everything you want. i have sympathy for you. i have a lot of it. would you like some? that’s all i will offer. stop your whining, because my sympathy annoys the hell out of you.

attachments

my son periodically develops mental attachments to certain objects. the first one was plastic boy we named ernie. ernie was in my son’s hand 24 hours each day. we could not believe the strength of his hand. then he would chose random plastic toys and animals to carry around and take to bed with him. he does not like soft toys. he hates blankets. once he chose the rhinoceros to make him company at night, and woke up with few scratches from it’s nose. but nothing too bad. the latest object of his affection is the wooden pot. he takes it to walks, he takes it to the crib, he carries it around making soup at all times. will see what it will be next.

fuck you

i wasn’t born with the fuck you attitude. there is a difference between choosing not to adopt everyone else definition of appropriate behavior versus actually giving them the finger. i was a teenager, when i desperately needed something and had my friend get it for me despite her own disliking. then she told me that when i really wanted something, i was going to do whatever it takes to get it, i was going to hurt other people’s feelings, shit on them, and nothing could ever stop me from getting what i wanted. she told me this was who i was, she told me she was my true friend, she told me she loved me, she told me i had to know this about myself. i was surprised to hear that. it was true about that isolated incident, but i was certain it did not apply to everything i really wanted. but i liked the way it sounded. i decided to adopt the fuck you attitude. hey, everyone’s for themselves, if you don’t want to be pushed, stand up to me, if not, fuck you. yes, there are so many nice people, beautiful people, weak people, gentle people, thoughtful people, polite people, pretty people, soft people. i like you, i sympathize you, i’m entertained by you, i wish you well. i just hope you will not be in the way of what i desperately want.

black and white

there are lots of colors about lots of things, but certain matters simply come in black and white. it is very hard to get on the list of people that are interesting to me. it is probably even harder than you think, and i know you think it isn’t easy. but once you get on that list, you can feel safe, you can be proud. you can be proud of your very limited company in there. you can feel safe because you can be sure i will not sell you out. that’s the way it works. black and white. you know you are there, when you are on this list, but if you are there, you don’t really care.

work goals

every year we need to submit annual goals at my job. hr feels it increases productivity and moral. everyone else feels it decreases both. this year again, we received instruction to come up with at least two goals that reduce implementation or support time. what have we been doing so far? i think at this point most of us are busy creating this robot tool that is suppose to reduce everyone’s time. so far it’s consuming everyone’s time. eventually this robot thingy will need more time from everyone to configure and support than the time it takes to avoid the tool altogether. and that is the good thing, because otherwise it would make us be out of job. yes, this seems to be the goal hr has. it makes perfect sense – all departments fulfill the goals that reduce time --> given the goals work, there is less time needed to do the job --> less people needed to do the job --> less people at the company = less work for hr. i wonder if they realize their brilliance. there is one glitch though, less people at the company should require less people at hr too. they better hope we don’t come up with real good goals.

doubts

are you sure you want to marry this person? are you sure you should move to this totally new unfamiliar place? are you sure you are ready for children? are you sure this is what you prefer to study?

i look at the weather.com, i am not sure my kids are not going to overheat outside. i stare at my update query, i am not sure i wrote it correctly. i feel unsure. i feel nervous. i feel pathetic.

night

you lay on a bed with your eyes open. you feel it is very late but you think others would call it very early. it is cold and dark. you feel troubled anxiety in your chest and you don’t know why. you put pants and a coat on. you go outside. you climb a tree. you look at stars.

inadequate behavior

are you a person who talks? are you a person who writes? are you an artist? are you not a talker, not a writer, not an artist? can you ever be content with yourself? can your actions, behavior, articulation, writing, creations ever satisfy you? do you go over the events of your stupid day despising your dullness, your inadequate behavior, blaming yourself for not finding right words at right moments, for appearing uneducated, unfit, ignorant, and humorless? do you replay it all in your head switching everything, making yourself what you want you to be? do you promise yourself to start fresh, to use the image from your replay, and dig from it when you need to? do you keep failing?

talk?

why do people talk to you? do they talk to you because they like you? do they talk to you because they find you interesting? do they talk to you to get you to like them? do they talk to you to get something out of you? do they talk to you to remind you of their existence? do they talk to you to get you to pay attention to them? do people talk to you?

why do you talk to people? do you talk to them because you like them? do you talk to them because you find them interesting? do you talk to them to get them to like you? do you talk to them to get something out of them? do you talk to them to remind them of your existence? do you talk to them to get them to pay attention to you? do you talk to people?

unique?

does it seem you are wasting your life? do you sense abilities inside that have no paths to be utilized? do you suspect having undiscovered talents you can’t release? do you notice grand ideas in your head you can’t formulate? do you feel unique? do you feel special? who do you compare yourself to? how far are you willing to go in designing your unique shell to escape blending in with the masses? will it fit?

miracle!

can you stare at your data intensely enough to hypnotize and transform it by your wish?
there has been a miracle of miracles! it started boring enough with our query results not matching the application’s screen. at first i was clueless, and then i remembered a hidden data holder i should check, and low and behold, the results out of there were about 90% matching. but still not 100. i was looking here, i was looking there, thinking of other factors that could influence the results, i saw nothing. i don’t like seeing nothing, it upsets me. i re-ran the application report again for the 3rd time. the data i saw on the screen was exactly the data my query returned! should i be concerned?