attention

i crave your attention so badly. i feel my heartbeat speeding, i feel my blood vessels pumping.. i don’t think you notice it, i don’t think you suspect it. i hope you don’t. i act so cool around you, the only way you would notice it, is if you were giving me the attention i am craving. you would give me that attention, and you would immediately become just a bit above all these other ones. you would be just a bit above these losers craving my attention acting cool around me thinking i am too busy in my own world to notice them. i notice you, i just don’t pay attention.

reply

thank you for writing to me. thank you for thinking of me. thank you for your regrets. thank you for taking this step. thank you for thinking of being my friend. i think of you as my friend too. every time i think of my cute imported dolls, i think of yours. every time i think of my pretty cool little dresses, i think of yours. every time i think of my youth tricks, i think of yours. every time i think of my first kiss, i think of yours. every time i think of the childhood and the friendship i think of you. i will always think that.

clarity

the purpose of death seems to exist to remind us of the stupidity of living. we love people the most when we learn of their death. we feel certain clarity in the sorrow of mourning. it suddenly hits us, and we want to keep this clarity, this outlook - we want to love more, to express more, to spend time more, to be happy more. we want to give to the living. we want to be loved while we live. how long does this clarity last? do the moments of clarity increase with the increase of death experiences around us?

похоже, смерть существует для того, чтобы напоминать нам о глупости жизни. мы любим людей больше всего, когда мы узнаем о их смерти. мы ощущаем определенное озарение в печали траура. внезапно мы чувствуем это, и нам хочется держаться за это озарение, за эту перспективу – нам хочется любить больше, выражать себя больше, проводить времени больше, радоваться больше. нам хочется давать живущим. нам хочется быть любимыми пока мы живем. как долго длится это озарение? эти моменты озарения увеличиваются с увеличением опыта встречь со смертью вокруг нас?

leonard cohen

i love leonard cohen and seeing him in concert will be great. he is only doing one concert in ny in the tiny beacon theater. so i had to get whatever tickets were still available during the 1st hour of the sale event. that meant buying expensive tickets. well, not that expensive but, hey, i paid less to see madonna! he’s better not to disappoint us in our orchestra seats!

movie script

here it goes – kate winslet fell in love with leonardo dicaprio during titanic filming. she was very insecure and did not even try to get romantically involved with the guy. she was not stupid, she saw the movie, she saw how much fatter and older she looks compared to leo. plus he only dates supermodels. so she married her husband, who is older and not so good looking, but a very good film director, on a condition that he will film them together again. she proceeded working on her body and becoming a great actress while the husband worked on the script. finally they made a movie about how routine and boring love gets when it becomes a marriage, so she can tell leo publicly how she loves him.

should i copyright this?

headstand

they say it is good for you to do postures and movements you don’t normally do, to get the blood circulating to places it generally escapes. you stand on your head and you definitely feel that blood heavily rushing to your face – your ears, your forehead, your cheeks, you feel it rushing to your brain. you are supposed to breath and not to think of anything. can you avoid thinking thoughts that enter your inverted mind? would the curiosity of thinking an inverted thought supersede the intention of following instructions and concentrating on the breath? are you here to learn peace and balance or are you here to experience thoughts that come to your upside-down brain during a headstand?

secret

who is the person that loves you the most? who is the person that cares about you the most? who is the person you can depend on the most? who is the person you can trust to the most? who is the person you open up to the most?

do you have a secret? do you never talk about your secret at all? do you talk about it casually so no one suspects it to be your secret? why do you keep a secret? is it because you are afraid? is it because you are not sure? is it because you like the feeling of having a secret? is it because you don’t have a secret?

poetry

reading poems is not that easy. you have to adjust your own harmony to someone else’s rhythm, and it often disturbs you, at least at first. you are not sure if it’s your sense of rhythm that’s having problems or if the stuff you are reading is not that good. on the other hand, writing poems is so much fun. all you have to do is to sense when the moment is coming, tune to it, and just write what it is you think you feel. i’d even say that the sadder the poem turns out, the more fun it gets to write it. you will not be happy with the result of your writing if you think about the words, about the melody of the poem. just feel listen and write.. if you can.. while you can..

a round of applause goes to my talented husband who made a little site to show off my long forgotten poetries. you are welcome to check them out if you have the patience to walk through something that may look like a never-ending vacuum of depression. i posted the majority of my poems choosing the ones that i think are interesting, or just have a sentimental value for me. the link is http://laura.ericmeier.com/poetry/

fuck!

how many .... are you going to fuck? recently, palahniuk’s book came out about a porn star setting a record fucking 600 volunteers for some vague reason i am not going to get into. let’s say you are going for a much smaller number, but you’re setting a pretty strict filter on your fucking selection. most obscene actions people do generally aim to prove something fucked up to themselves or to others. what the fuck are you proving? what the fuck is your reason? do you specifically set this criteria or does your fucking criteria pull you in? i would fuck you in an instant if i had the balls. would i fit your fucking filter?

game

do you like living in imaginary world? do you have fun making characters of yourself and people around you? do you enjoy giving them qualities they don’t exhibit, taking away features they possess? do you know their real personalities? do you care? do you get confused between the characters you make and the real people upon interacting with them? what do you get from this shuffle? why do you play this game? is this a game?

imbalance?

do you think you can admire, respect, and love a person who can equally admire, respect, and love you back? do you think that in every relationship there is one who loves and another one who allows to be loved?

do you think that when you are the one who loves, you should accept the treatment from the one you love because you have no other choice? do you think that you can do something, maybe not right away, maybe in the future, that will make you be loved? do you think you will always love the one you love? who do you think you love more – the one you love, or yourself feeling this love?

do you think that when you are the one who allows to be loved, the one who loves you will dump you at the end? do you think you can ever learn to love the one who loves you, the way that you are loved? do you think you don’t deserve this love? do you think that you are the one who loves?


тебе кажется, что ты можешь восхищаться, уважать и любить человека, кто может одинаково восхищаться, уважать и любить тебя? тебе кажется, что в любом взаимоотношении есть один, кто любит, и другой, кто позволяет себя любить?

тебе кажется, что когда ты тот, кто любит, тебе стоит принять существующее обращение с собой от того, кого ты любишь, из-за отсутствия выбора? тебе кажется, что ты можешь сделать что-то, возможно не сразу, возможно в будущем, что сделает тебя любимым? тебе кажется, ты будешь всегда любить того, кого ты любишь? кого, тебе кажется, ты любишь больше – того, кого ты любишь, или себя, чувствующего эту любовь?

тебе кажется, что когда ты тот, кто позволяет себя любить, тот, кто любит тебя, в какой-то момент оставит тебя? тебе кажется, ты сможешь когда-то научиться любить того, кто любит тебя, так, как тебя любят? тебе кажется, ты не заслуживаешь эту любовь? тебе кажется, что ты, тот, кто любит?

remote connect

isn’t it interesting to receive a phone call or an email from someone you were just thinking about? isn’t it interesting to randomly think the same thoughts with a person you live with, or with someone half world away? isn’t it interesting to use the same words at the same time with someone describing totally different things? isn’t it interesting to instantly know what close to you people are thinking when you talk to them few times in a year at best? how does it make you feel? does it make you feel isolated? does it make you feel incredibly close?

i am so used to connecting remotely, that my physical manifestation throws everyone off balance. i am so used to connecting remotely that the time seems to exist as a completely irrelevant measure. i am so used to connecting remotely, i need the distance to connect.

new year

happy new year! are you going to celebrate that this year you’re going to get one year older? are you going to celebrate that this past year you got accustomed to hate, love, be tired of, appreciate a lot, and whatever other adjectives you got for it, is going to be over? are you going to celebrate that the next year will be different? are you going to celebrate that the change of a digit in the wall calendar you stare at every day, is going to bring something new to your life? are you going to celebrate new year?

every year around this time i nostalgically remember the childhood. i wish i could celebrate 1980 again. i hope i can introduce a sense of winter holidays magic to my kids. i hope we can feel this magic together.


с новым годом! ты будешь праздновать, что в следующем году ты станешь на год старше? ты будешь праздновать, что этот прошедший год, который ты свыкся ненавидеть, любить, чувствовать усталость, ценить, и какие другие прилагательные ты можешь добавить, наконец-то закончится? ты будешь праздновать, что следующий год будет другим? ты будешь праздновать, что смена цифры на стенном календаре, на который ты глазеешь каждый день, принесет что-то новое в твою жизнь? ты будешь праздновать новый год?

каждый год примерно в это время я ностальгически вспоминаю детство. мне хотелось бы праздновать 1980 опять. я надеюсь, что я смогу преподнести чувство чуда зимних праздников своми детям. я надеюсь, мы сможем чувствовать вместе это чудо.

cats, dogs, birds, family, and death

the grandma does not see well, the grandma does not hear well. the grandma carries a magnifying glass, wears a hearing aid and a microphone-type of a device around her neck. still, she does not see much, and what grandma hears, is usually not what people say. grandma does her best, and tries to have as much fun as she can. grandma plays cards for pennies, grandma runs around in shopping malls on wheelchairs, grandma flirts with her doctors. grandma’s lovebird died accidentally. everyone believed that bird was her reincarnated husband. the bird told her what to wear, the bird told her what to do, the bird told her where to go. grandma got another lovebird. grandma can’t find her bird one evening. she looks everywhere, the bird can’t be found. she calls her daughter. daughter comes and finds the bird in the freezer. grandma closes her drawer on another evening, and the bird’s foot gets caught in it. the bird looses the toe. grandma, her daughter, the bird, and the bird’s toe rush to the hospital. the doctors attach the toe to the bird’s foot. the bird ends up in the freezer again, the bird ends up locked in cabinets. the bird dies. grandma really wants another bird but she says she does not deserve one.

the dog wears a festive holiday shirt for christmas. the dog is over 15 years old. the dog does not hear well, the dog does not see well, the dog used to be depressed. the dog is not depressed anymore. no, it was not the antidepressants that cured the dog, the medicine did not work that well, and it was causing side effects. the miracle happened! the cat that used to live with the dog died. my mother in law, who is the cat/dog owner, took in one of the cats of her son’s. he had 6 cats, and was having difficulties taking care of them all. then this cat needed a friend, so the mother in law, who works at the animal clinic, brought home a kitten with a dislocated jaw. the kitten was very smart and cute as long as you were not staring at his face and at his mouth in particular. one day the depressed dog refused his food as usual, and the kitten came over. the kitten smelled and tasted the dog food, and proceeded to eat it. the dog lived with many cats through the years but the dog has never seen a cat trying to eat his food. the dog started eating his food with the cat. since that day, the dog and the cat always eat together from the same jar. they alternate dog food with cat food. the dog is no longer depressed, the dog acts happy. the dog just does not hear well, the dog just does not see well.

we received a call during our vacation that our cat died. our dead cat was hanging out in the basement for 2 days. we came home. my husband put the cat in the box, and placed it in the backyard. the next morning all the neighborhood cats were singing serenades in memoriam to the dead cat under our daughter’s bedroom window. today the car came and took the cat to cremation.



бабушка плоховато видит, бабушка плоховато слышит. бабушка носит увеличительное стекло, слуховой аппарат, и подобный микрофону прибор вокруг шеи. все равно, она плохо видит, а то, что бабушка слышит, обычно является не тем, о чем говорят вокруг. бабушка старается, как может, получать удовольствие от жизни. бабушка играет в карты на центы, бабушка катается по магазинам на инвалидной коляске, бабушка заигрывает с ее докторами. бабушкин попугайчик случайно умер. все вокруг верят, эта птичка была перерожденным бабушкиным сурпругом. птичка говорила ей, что одевать, птичка говорила ей, что делать, птичка говорила ей, куда идти. бабушка купила другого попугайчика. бабушка не может найти птичку в один вечер. она ищет всюду, но не может найти. она звонит дочке. дочка приезжает и находит птичку в морозилке. бабушка закрывает ящик в другой вечер, и прищимляет птичкину лапку. у птички отрывается пальчик. бабушка, ее дочка, птичка и птичкин пальчик устремляются в госпиталь. доктор пришивает птичке пальчик. птичка оказывается опять в морозилке, птичка оказывается закрытой в шкафчиках. птичка умирает. бабушка очень хочет другую птичку, но говорит, что она ее не заслуживает.

на собаке одета нарядная кофта на рождество. собаке более 15 лет. собака плохо слышет, собака плохо видит, собака была в депрессии до недавнего времени. собака больше не в депрессии. нет, это не были антидепрессанты, которые излечили собаку, эти лекарства плохо помогали и порождали побочные эффекты. случилось чудо! кот, который жил с собакой, умер. моя свекровь, которой принадлежат кот/собака, взяла себе одного из котов ее сына. он имел 6 котов и испытывал трудности заботиться о них всех. тогда этому коту понадобился друг, и свекровь, которая работает в поликлиннике для животных, принесла домой котенка со смещенной челюстью. котенок был очень умен и симпатичен, если вы не смотрели пристально на его морду, и его рот в особенности. один день депрессивная собака, как обычно, отказалась кушать свою еду, и котенок подошел к ней. котенок понюхал и попробовал собачью еду, и начал ее есть. собака жила со многими котами за свою многолетнюю жизнь, но еще никогда собака не видела кота, кушающего ее еду. собака стала есть ее еду с котом. с этого дня собака и кот всегда едят вместе из одной миски. они чередуют собачью еду с кошачьей. собака больше не в депрессии, собака выглядит радостной. собака просто плохо слишит, собака просто плохо видит.

нам позвонили во время нашего отпуска сказать, что наша кошка умерла. наша мертвая кошка околачивалась в подвале в течении двух дней. мы приехали. мой муж закрыл кошку в коробку и положил ее на заднем дворе. на следующее утро все местные коты пели серенады в память мертвой кошке под окном нашей дочери. сегодня приехала машина и забрала кошку на кремацию.

employee-employer

this is the list of top 10 employer to employee encounters from my own experience and from the experiences of few others close to me:

10. your boss gets a bunch of you in a room on friday and tells you all to come up with the solving a performance problem ideas during the weekend.

9. you do an occasional office-cleaning job. your manager tells you that the office workers will always remember you as a cleaning person, no matter what you’d end up being in life later on.

8. your boss feeds you chinese candies every chance she gets.

7. your boss asks you to move your carefully planned multi-country international trip because of the server upgrade event, since he did not realize your vacation starts in two days.

6. your boss sends you an email that there is a party food leftover in the fridge, and that you should use plates to heat it up, and not the aluminum containers the food is currently in.

5. your boss sits on your desk nervously fidgeting his legs looking at your screen every time he asks you to do anything.

4. your boss tells you that you are the best thing that happened to him. all he truly means is that you are doing a very good job.

3. you tell your boss you saw him in your dream last night. his face turns read and he agitatedly asks you not to tell him this dream.

2. every day your boss thanks you for doing a good job and for helping him out.

1. your employee who works at your house tells you to work from the office and not from home.

not your life?

you wake up. you get ready. you go to class, you go to work. you go to lunch. you go out. you go home. you watch tv. you go to bed. you wake up..

do you agree with the mirror that this is you you’re looking at? who are you? who’s life are you living? do you know the moment when you started living this life? did you come up with the idea for this to become your life? did it happen accidentally? did you always live this life? do you see anything wrong with it? do you like it? do you think it is good for you? do you think it is better than the alternative that could have happened? do you know what life you would have chosen have you had a second chance? do you think you would have gotten it? do you think you would have been happier? do you think you would have call it your life? who do you think you would have been seeing in the mirror?


ты просыпаешься. ты собираешься. ты идешь на учебу, ты идешь на работу. ты идешь на обед. ты идешь куда-то провести время. ты идешь домой. ты смотришь телевизор. ты ложишься спать. ты просыпаешься..

ты согласен с зеркалом, что это ты, тот, на кого ты смотришь? кто ты? чью жизнь ты живешь? ты знаешь момент, с которого ты начал жить эту жизнь? ты сам придумал сделать это твоей жизнью? это произошло случайно? ты всегда жил эту жизнь? тебе кажется в ней что-то не то? тебе она нравится? ты думаешь, твоя жизнь подходит тебе? ты думаешь, это лучше, чем альтернатив, который мог случиться? ты знаешь, какую жизнь ты бы выбрал имея второй шанс? ты думаешь, у тебя бы получилось? ты думаешь, ты был бы счастливей? ты думаешь, ты бы назвал это твоей жизнью? кого, ты думаешь, ты бы видел в зеркале?

teeth

today is the teeth day. it started with my friend telling me a story about her child’s dental adventures. then my mother called me to say that her dental bridge came off. that lead me to make my own dental appointment. and to top it off, my father will come over today with his constant teeth saga.

here are other teeth related experiences of my life –

my son likes to chew his pacifier in the crib. he makes holes in the pacifiers, and then he refuses to suck on them. i buy about 2 to 4 pacifiers a week because of this act of his.

i go to my first dental checkup at school. i am 11. the dentist finds 14 cavities in my teeth. it is not my first dental checkup ever. it is not my first dental checkup that year. it is just my first dental checkup in a few months.

my dentist has framed photos of people’s teeth on his wall. i always ask him to add the picture of my teeth there, but he keeps refusing.

my grandma misplaced her dentures. we are expecting guests and this is not a best time for such an accident. it is not the first time this happens. the grandpa is lecturing grandma to always keep her teeth close by. we are all looking for the false teeth. we look in her pockets, we look in her magazines, we look in her shelves, we don’t see them. then the great grandma finds them in the trashcan. everyone is happy. the guests arrive, we start eating.


сегодня зубной день. он начался с истории подруги о зубных приключениях ее ребенка. потом мама позвонила сказать, что ее мост поломался. это навело меня на мысль назначить визит к зубному и себе. и в завершение, папа придет сегодня со своей вечной зубной сагой.

вот другие зубные проишествия моей жизни -

мой сын любит жевать свою соску в кровати. он делает в них дырки, а потом отказывается их сосать. я покупаю от 2 до 4 сосок в неделю из-за этого его деяния.

я иду на мою первую школьную зубную проверку. мне 11 лет. зубной врач находит 14 дырок в моих зубах. это не первый визит к зубному в моей жизни. это не первый визит к зубному в этом году. это просто мой первый визит к зубному за несколько месяцев.

мой зубной врач держит фотографии зубов в рамках на своей стене. я всегда прошу его добавить туда мои зубы, но он все отказывает.

моя бабушка не может найти ее вставные зубы. мы ждем гостей, и это не лучшее время для такого происшествия. это не первый раз, такое случается. дедушка читает нотацию бабушке всегда держать ее зубы при себе. мы все ищем вставные зубы. мы ищем в ее карманах, мы ищем в ее журналах, мы ищем в ее полках, мы их не видим. наконец прабабушка находит зубы в мусорнике. мы все радуемся. гости приходят, мы начинаем кушать.

socializing

a big part of physically going to your job location is socializing. i am not a social person but if i am friendly with you, and i got some free time, you bet i am going to stand by your desk talking to you until you start wishing for someone to give me something urgent to do right now. the same goes for im conversations. i just sense your urge for something to distract me from talking to you after bombarding you with countless number of lines that see no ending. as long as i am in the mood, i have something to say, and i have a lot to say about it.

i don’t have many people to talk to. i work from home. i started writing these daily posts and they kind of substitute socializing for me at the moment. sometimes these segments come to me all at once, sometimes i take notes of pieces of my thoughts at various times, and later make it into a story of the day. and yes, i absolutely bill the clients for my creative explorations.

mother-daughter event sampler

sit down - stand up, sit down – stand up; again.. what wouldn't you do for your mother, what wouldn't your mother do for you. my mother is here to make me company at this strange event. i am hear to experience the posture improvement breakthrough technique. i am here to entertain myself. i am here to entertain my mother. sit down - stand up, sit down – stand up; again.. i have a horrible posture, and i am re-learning to sit. so does my mother. sit down – stand up.. this is a free alexander technique workshop. lay down – sit up, lay down – sit up; again.. stand up and look in the mirror for a while.. help each other to learn to sit right.. correct each other when you see a wrong posture..

my mother and i are eating foie gras at a fancy french restaurant for her birthday. just the two of us. my mother does not know i am pregnant yet. what do you think about twins, - i ask..

my mother wants a massage. she really wants a massage. she just came to the country, she does not feel very comfortable, she does not speak much english. i need to join my mother for the massage. i get a fragile feminine guy who gently strokes and caress my body. my mother gets a big muscular energetic female who pushes, stretches, pokes, and slaps her. everyone is happy.

we take my mother upstate. we end up in the shittiest hotel room ever. my mother needs a good coffee the next morning, she emptied her thermos last night. my mother can’t drink the regular coffee they serve from the coffee pots. i go to all the establishments in the village to inquire about espresso. i don’t find any.

my mother and family are moving to staten island. the mover has a little hangover from the night before. he ties the mattress to the van’s roof. off he goes over verrazano bridge. the mattress falls down on the bridge. the mover is not allowed to stop on the bridge. my brother is in his van calling me. we get in the car and we drive to the bridge in attempt to capture the mattress. there is no sign of the mattress. we turn around. we see the police cars and what seems to be the mattress. we don’t stop. my mother convinces the driver to go there and claim the mattress. the driver gets a fine. the driver does not get the mattress. my mother deducts the mattress cost from the driver’s check. my mother goes to a mattress store and gets a much better serta mattress at a great discount.

*correction - the hunted item upstate was not espresso but a cup of hot water to add to brought grinded coffee.

top 10 list i learned this week

there is a guy at work, who sometimes sends these out-of-it emails. today he decided to create a page to place all the things he learned this week in there to "be informed about all the myriad happenings within our department and around the company".

i decided that i should also make my own top 10 list i learned this week. here it goes:

10. tom cruise likes tina turner
9. the color of this new year is going to be orange
8. some famous guy read the entire encyclopedia and wrote about what he read
7. it costs over 10k for a couple to go to australia for about 2-3 weeks
6. a girl at work was named after an actress who played a cyborg
5. you should ask your child not to drool when you want her to stop drooling
4. read/write permissions give you rights to create temp tables in sql05
3. my sister was hired back 2 weeks after getting laid off
2. there is an observation deck on the top of rockefeller center
1. tying shoes is actually not that easy


please vote for your favorite posts if you haven't. don't think of yourself as a special reader who should be excluded from this chore. you read - you vote - very simple.