exclamations

day two. overjoyed! i really am, i am full of energy and excitement! i want to jump up in the air and do a flip! i am twirling inside my head! how great this is going to be! what an idea! what an ambition! what a perfect plan! let’s do it!

therapist

dr. doorovski is sipping rich cardamon tea with a touch of cinnamon anxiously looking at the clock. his patient is late, and it makes him undeniably uncomfortable and disappointed. he has realized, he holds himself responsible for his patient’s conduct and choices, and he repulsively resents this revelation. to dr. doorovski, his patient’s tardiness to an appointment with him feels like a personal failure. he convulsively scratches his cheek. the new aftershave, the 22nd anniversary gift from his wife linda, must have been wrong for his skin. he senses dryness and irritation all over his face, especially around his thick grayish mustache. dr. doorovski gets up from his chair and stares at the busy construction site out of the wide window at his office. he looks at the confident steady movements of the workers that project a strong sense of belonging and purpose. dr. doorovski opens a door of a thin tall mahogany cabinet in the corner. he pulls out a bottle of scotch, and he pours himself a glass.

freedom weekend

в эти выходные мне вспомнились другие летние выходные. я шла с папой по проспекту шевченко во львове, когда мы столкнулись с его знакомой. она держала в руках блокнот и ручку и делала какие-то записи. эта женщина была настолько этим занята, что прошла бы мимо, не заметив нас, если бы папа ее не окликнул. “что ты записываешь?”, - спросил он ее. “да вот, пишу адреса тех, кто вывесил украинские флаги”, ответила знакомая, - “попросили записать на всякий случай”, - добавила она. это было лето 1991-го года, когда западная украина заговорила о желании независимости от умирающего советского союза. в эти выходные многие львовские жители вывесили украинские флаги на своих квартирах и домах в патриотическом жесте в поддержку новых времен. папина подруга работала в райкоме партии. он еще существовал, там люди по прежнему получали зарплаты, и еще не было до конца понятна ситуация ни отделения украины, ни гибель советского союза вместе с райкомом партии, ни судьба тех патриотов-смельчаков, вывесивших флаги.

this weekend i remembered another summer weekend. i was walking with my father in lvov, when we ran into a friend of his. she had a notepad and a pen in her hands writing something down. she was so concentrated, she would have walked by without noticing us have my father not called her. ‘what are you writing?’, he asked. ‘writing down addresses of the ones who put ukrainian flags up’, she replied. ‘they asked me to take notes just in case’, she added. it was a summer day in 1991 when the west ukraine first talked of independence from the decaying soviet union. that weekend many citizens of lvov hung ukrainian flags at their apartments and buildings in a patriotic gesture supporting and welcoming these changes. my father’s friend worked at a communistic district committee that still existed, people still received salaries there, and there was still a big uncertainty about it all – the ukrainian independence, the death of the soviet union together with all the district committees, as well as the future of these brave patriotic citizen who hung the flags.

molding

you are an artist. you search. you spend your days looking for your mold, looking for your gem. you’re going to make an art. you will find that perfect person - the one to inspire, the one to create, - your muse. you will hold the one you found tight and gently in your caring palms. you will treasure her features, you will absorb and memorize them all. you will learn how she walks, what she loves, and who she is. you will discover her soul. you will study her obsessively non-stop, even in your sleep. you will go deeper and further to unravel who she is. you’ll realize your muse is not that flawless. you will find your muse to hold some traits you do not like. it is ok. you are an artist. she is your art. you will take your mold and you will improvise.  you will work on adding qualities you feel are missing, you feel are wrong. you will mold your muse until you’re satisfied with the result, until you’re proud of your art. you will be content when you can no longer sense the precious tenderness you felt in your loving palms.

question

my body is restless. i am so afraid. i need to ask you this single uppermost question. i don’t know what i am more frightened of – asking the question or hearing you answering it. i am in a daze. i am not myself. who am i? who will i be after your answer? will you ever answer? will i ever ask?

a roach

joseph tann was crawling along a rusty pipe from the first floor kitchen back down the basement. his tuxedo was wrinkled and torn in places. profound sweat was covering his dark muscular yet noticeably tired body marked by signs of exhaustion. a heartburn was visibly bothering him, making him crouch every few steps. finally joseph plopped at his destination – a cardboard box filled with dump stained yellowish books at the far gloomy corner of this dim shabby space. joseph crawled over kafka’s metamorphosis to the familiar spot at the back. he relaxed his antennas. he was ready for his nap.

observer

my nostrils are sensing a thread of a rotting compost mixed with cigarette butts and dripped out beer. i am sitting on the street in the outdoor section of a prominent restaurant. my drink is a delightful mix of fresh grapefruit, rose, elderflowers and liqueur. inside, a band is playing a blend of reggae, jazz and soft rock. i am no longer anxious. i am an observer. the stroll of worn out children wearing washed off organic cotton labels carrying light sabers or riding scooters does not seem to pause. the children are followed by dads of the same dress code and demeanor. droplets of sweat are sparking on arms and faces of everyone. i can’t spot makeup on any female despite my suspicion they do have it on. there are people with dogs, all so well groomed. i was here once before, many years ago. the memory does not feel neither painful nor sentimental. i’m glad i am here.

string

i am unwinding the string. i am aware of what i am doing. i’m terrified and excited. i know the consequences, i know the drill. nothing is new but i feel like it is. i’m frightened. i’m prepared. i think i am, yet i know i am not. i know the despair, the pain, the loss. they are my friends. they will appear when the string is dropped, when i emptied it all. i do not care. i will get through. i will do it this time. but i know i cannot.

words

you let go, you take a breath, you submerge in a pool of words, - beautiful, contradictory, intriguing, hypnotizing words. you hear fragments of words said softly and loudly around you. you see words of different fonts and shapes chaotically flying in front of you, towards you and away from you in all directions. you try to grab on to a word. you try to clutch to any word that can take you away. you are desperate to connect to a word. you know the other words will stop their bewildered dance the instant you do it. the words will pause, they will glow and line up, the words will take order and meaning. the words will light up and escort you to the whimsical enchanting world you are longing to be in.

love

it happened. all of a sudden the love was there rapidly filling my every cell. love was forcing in, pushing away my thoughts and feelings, adamantly squeezing them out, replacing all i had. instantly i understood it was love.  i recognized it, i welcomed it, i opened all the space in me for it. i did not need anything else. all i had before was no longer important or real. i let love fill me full of warm incredibly light glowing tender happiness.  

emotional intensity

google ‘emotional intensity’ and you will find this to be a favorable characteristic suggesting gifted individuality. it is a positive quality to have, something to be nurtured and cherished. it is considered to be a strength implying interesting complex personality with wonderfully rich inner world. this trait should be cultivated, appreciated and valued.

now add a ‘disorder’ ending to your search. did you get borderline? it is a new name for bpd, congratulations doctors! is adding a word ‘disorder’ enough to turn something supposedly wonderful into something so dark? can ‘disorder’ be replaced with another word to get more mild result? maybe it is just a perfect black and white output fitting to the input of the search.

truthful

please, tell me the truth, - you ask me. i look at you and i am scared. i look at you and i want to tell you the truth. i just don’t know what it means. i want to be a good person.  i want to tell you what you are asking. i don’t know how to do that. i just don’t know. i can try to please you. i can take my best guess. i can tell you what i think you want the truth to be. i will have to do that. i am going to see the look of reassurance in your eyes.  you will feel comforted. you will feel secured.  you will feel good.  i will feel sad. i will feel worthless. i will feel confused.

first time

it is a warm bright night in the late spring in a crowed city.  young eccentrically dressed cool looking people are everywhere. we are holding hands. we are crossing a street on a red light. a cab makes a sudden turn almost hitting us. you pull your hand out of mine. you run forward. i step back. i wait for the green light. i cross the street by myself. i put my hand into yours on the other side of the crosswalk. we keep walking. i tell you i love you. this is the first time i tell you that.

full

i don't have anything of my own. i don't have any passions, ambitions, desires or dreams. i don't have any interests, goals, talents or skills. there are passions, ambitions, desires and dreams; there are interests, goals, talents and skills. they are inside. they are in me. they are not mine. i live your passions, ambitions, desires and dreams. i live your interests, goals, talents and skills. they fill me. you fill me. i feel full. full of you.

angerstorm

my anger is rolling inside, from my neck to my groin; up and down, up and down it goes. there is a tornado in my body, a cyclone, a blizzard, a thunderstorm; rolling and rolling for hours, for days; rolling up, rolling down. it’s rolling for weeks, for months, for years. the angerstorm does not stop. you can’t make it stop. i can’t make it stop.  sometimes it subdues for a minute, for two. it feels warm inside for a moment, for instant. there is no time to warm-up, there is no time to let go. the moment is gone. the instant is lost. the anger is back rolling up, rolling down; my boundless angerstorm.

unable

you quietly sit down on a delicate old chair trying not to make a creak
you close your eyes, you listen to the silence unable to see or speak
sorry, you arrived a bit late
welcome to your journey of hate

nothing

here you are. tomorrow will come. there is nothing. there is nothing that can change. there is nothing that can change you. there is nothing to value. there is nothing to regret. there is nothing to dream about. there is nothing to lie about. there is nothing to forgive. there is nothing to forget.

heart

thick foul yellow scales grew on my heart over time. there were just a few of them at first. i did not notice as the whole heart got covered. it seems it happened so fast. i look at my heart. i can’t see it, i can’t find it. all i see is disgusting yellow matter in the place where something beautiful was meant to be.

the zappos experience

i ordered a pair of shoes for my son from zappos. he tried them on, they looked good. he put them on, he went to school. i threw away the shoe box, the shipping box. the recycle truck came picked it up. my son came back from school with a velcro completely pulled out on his right shoe. the left shoe was fine. i figured, i have to take my new expensive once worn shoe to a shoe fixing place few blocks away, and pay another $10 or so to get the shoe fixed. but then i decided to give zappos a call to see what they’d say. a nice guy apparently named hector told me that it would be no problem to exchange or even completely refund the shoes. that was surprisingly positive. i received the exchange pair the next day; my son came back from school wearing shoes in the same condition as when he left. i received 8 various emails from zappos since i made the exchange. some of them are confirmations, some are announcements, a label to print, a customer appreciation survey to fill, and finally a letter to share my story to be published (if selected) in josheph michelli “the zappos experience” book. i am now not sure it was all worth saving the $10. should i send my story to mr michelli?

happy new year

when you’re young, the winter holidays are the holidays you look forward to the most. as you get older, the repetitiveness of the event bores you out. as you get children, the idea of staying up late on new year’s eve ceases to excite you. you can get so preoccupied with your personal things, you may not even notice new year began. here is a top 10 signs the winter holidays must be over:

10. the line to the returns at century 21 store is much longer than the lines to the registers
9. you see bunch of christmas trees on your street on the morning of the trash pickup
8. the count of bills in your mailbox supersedes the count of greeting cards
7. you email inbox is mostly junk from senders you don’t know
6. few days pass by without seeing your ups guy
5. your groceries are getting delivered without interventions via the phone
4. you are able to listen to the music on the radio
3. you don’t need to call in advance to each place you’re trying to go to make sure they are open
2. you notice a new calendar on your wall
1. you need to go to work