bizarre evening

i decided to attend a pretty unusual event last night. as the evening progressed, it became apparent that everything leading to the event was also pretty odd.

here is the top 10 signs you are having a bizarre evening (listed in chronological order of personal experience):

10. you notice about 10 strollers parked in the lobby of the trendy restaurant of your choice.

9. at 6:30pm, after spending about 15 minutes deciding what to order, you double check your performance confirmation, to find out that the event is scheduled to start at 7pm and not at 8pm as you expected.

8. after the dramatic realization of your unfortunate circumstances, you are prepared to leave hungry and sad, and get a snack someplace else. you explain your situation to the waiter who acts very friendly and commits on serving you in the next 10 minutes.

7. the food is great, and you are able to eat it, and pay for it by 6:55pm.

6. you promptly arrive to the venue to observe that it is pretty much a black tie event.

5. the curtain raises and you are presented with about 40 people in chairs on stage who proceed giving each other various awards, and talking about things you have no clue about.

4. the awards ceremony takes about an hour. you are overwhelmed by the thoughts of uncertainty whether the awards ceremony is all you are going to see. you are overwhelmed by the thoughts of the length of the ceremony. you are overwhelmed by the thoughts of what could have happened have you eaten your dinner under the impression that the show begins at 8pm. you are overwhelmed by the thoughts of what you would presently feel have the waiter did not suggest serving you in the record speed.

3. the performance begins. the event you chose to see is the gala performance by the ballet students from 17 different countries who are selected by new york international ballet competition.

2. after the show you decide to go to the grocery store at the basement of the same building and spend about 30 minutes in there filling the shopping cart with various soy products.

1. on your way home, both of your trains show up right upon your arrival.

figurines

i think they should start selling jon and kate + 8 dolls at this point. a little smart-ass korean dude wearing sweatshirt and shorts, a bitchy short-haired blond female figurine, 8 little kid creatures - 6 very small and 2 slightly bigger, with all boys wearing same brown clothes, and all girls in different pink outfits. i tell you, these dolls will sell like crazy. i turned on my tv the other day, and larry king was there not talking about political figures or entertainment celebrities, no, larry king had few psychologists there with him discussing jon and kate marriage. i understand cheap magazines are doing it, but larry king? it’s insane. who is leading whom in this world?

at least now the media attention finally turned someplace else with michael jackson’s death. at least this event truly requires media coverage. he also honestly deserves all his life-size wax figures. poor poor michael jackson. “she says i am the one”..

winner

you never let yourself fail. you don’t accept defeat. you are not a loser. you are a winner, you are a fighter. you manage to find victories where others see no choice but to give up. it does not matter what you’re up against – a person, a system, nature, yourself. you’re going to win, just wait and see.

what will be your next challenge? what will be your next fight?

bad mother?

the crying of your baby terrifies you. it shows you - you are a bad mother, it shows you – you are an incompetent mother. there is nothing you can do to calm your baby down except feeding her. this is not the feeding time. your baby is crying, you are crying. when your baby cries at night, you despise yourself for wanting to sleep. you hate the fact that what you want the most is to get that baby quiet so you can rest. you don’t want the baby to sleep as much as you want to sleep yourself. you pick your baby up, and you walk with her nonstop for hours in the middle of the night because your mothering instinct tells you to do so. it does not calm the baby down. it does not calm you down. you are barely thinking, you are barely functioning. how did you end up not being prepared? how did you end up not being prepared for your incompetence, for your exhaustion? how did you end up not being prepared for thinking you are a bad mother?

fears

the world thinks you’re a bit crazy. the world thinks you’re smart. the world thinks you’re pragmatic. the world thinks you’re tough. you’re full of fears. you look inward – you’re scared. you look into future – you’re scared. your world has changed, you’re not used to it, you’re not sure how to handle it. you put your hand on your heart to listen to the beat. in your mind, you impatiently cross each day off your mental calendar when you go to bed. you count days forward, you count them in reverse. you get used to it. you get used to your fears. your fears don’t scare you as much anymore. you think you’re a bit crazy. you think you’re smart. you think you’re pragmatic. you think you’re tough. you think you can handle this. you think everything will be just fine.

phases

i envy artists. not only they are cool, not only they get to do what they like, not only they can explore their creativity, but they also able to define their life phases. you can take a brush and paint all in blue colors while you feel like it, and then, when your world is no longer blue, you throw that blue boring paint out, you reach for the pink one, you start your new work. how lucky are you? phases. periods. you get them too, right? how can you, untalented inartistic mediocre asshole, find ways to express your little insignificant life periods? can you do it in your client meetings? can you do it in your programming code? can you do it counting your company’s finances? how can you mark phases of your life?

friends at work

sometimes you make friends at your work. sometimes friends at your work make you feel ignorant. sometimes friends at your work make you feel clueless. sometimes friends at your work make you feel intimidating. sometimes friends at your work make you feel insecure. sometimes friends at your work make you feel annoying. sometimes friends at your work make you feel stubborn.

your friends at work just want to do a good job. you just want to do a good job. your friends at work just disagree with you on something work related. you just feel pressured, you just feel stressed. your friends at work just feel pressured, your friends at work just feel stressed.

will you remember your friends at work few years from now? will you remember your work few years from now? would you like your friends at work to remain your friends few years from now? would you like your work to remain your work few years from now? do you think your friends at work will be your friends few years from now? do you think your work will be your work few years from now?

routine

would you rather go out with your friends or with your mother when you are a kid? of course, you prefer your friends. your friends are cool, your friends are fun, you have so much in common. your mother has a lot in common with you as well, but the common ground there is your routine daily life. that is boring. then one day you find a girl or a boy you like, you start dating. that person is cool, that person is fun, you have so much in common. the next thing – the date becomes your boyfriend or girlfriend, the next thing – you live together, the next thing – you have your own family. would you rather go out with your friends or with your significant other when you’ve been together for a while?

bathroom

i bought a new potty for my kids and placed it in the bathroom. my daughter walked in and sat on it. knock-knock, who is there? - asked my son. it’s your sister on the potty. can i come in? - asked my son. sure, come on in. he walked in and sat on the step-stool. the kids started playing. knock-knock, who is there? – asked my husband home early off his work. we all are. can i come in? – asked my husband. sure, go ahead. he walked in, and sat on the lid of the toilet. they started reading books. knock-knock, who is there? – asked my mother visiting today..

that is our current life. bathroom is our family room, bathroom is our lounge room. we spend hours in there. we do everything in there. another potty (the same as the potty that both of the kids like) will be delivered to us next week. i am not sure where i will find room for it in there.

they build themselves a better bigger bathroom and all fit in there perfectly, - is an unlikely ending of this one.

we like potty training. how long does it take again?

spinning top toy

our kids have a spinning top toy. it broke a while ago, and would not spin. my husband tried fixing it, my father tried fixing it, my stepfather tried fixing it. the toy remained broken. my <3 year old son tried fixing it yesterday. he concentrated. he worked hard. he fixed the top toy.

wedding

my little cousin is getting married. my children are 1 month old. i am sleep deprived, i am very hormonal, i am breastfeeding exclusively. the children must be attached to my breasts every 3 hours. the feeding process alone takes about 40 minutes, followed by about 10 minutes of burping. the wedding location is about 2 hours drive. of course i am going to attend. my mother’s family is invited as well. we rent a hotel room 5 minutes drive from the wedding venue. we alternate. first, my mother goes to party. my first breastfeeding round begins. by the end of it, the ceremony is about to end. my stepfather drives my mom to the hotel room, he drives me and my husband to the venue. he drives himself back to help babysitting. we watch the end of the ceremony. the bride is beautiful, the dress is amazing. now is the time for everyone to take a break and to move to the dinning area. we socialize, we are getting entertained. by the time waiters ask for our dinner choice, we need to go back for the round two. we order for my mother, we attempt to explain this to the waiters. i am hungry as hell, my cortisol is high, my estrogen is high. my stepfather brings us some entries the waiters managed to pack for us. he drives back to the party. i stay to breastfeed. another hour passes by, we go back to celebrate. my mother goes back to the room. we get to eat some desert, we get to talk to the relatives, we get to dance a little. the celebration is ending. the music is ending. i call my mother that it’s over, they should pick us up, we should leave. my mother does not pick up her phone for 30 minutes. the phone is on the silent mode in her bag. now we can’t leave because we have to wait for the next feeding. we leave around 1am.

this was the first night my daughter slept 6 hours straight. my son slept 4, it was pretty good too. i am very happy i went to the wedding. i saw my cousin getting married, i got a fun story to remember and to tell, and i saw hope that my kids will sleep at night one day.

music class

hello everybody, we are so glad to see you.. on my left, there is a cylon model #2 from battlestar galactica and his cylon daughter. the next in the circle is robert barone from everybody loves raymond with his cheerful child, and his typical brooklynite wife. the next couple is joey tribbiani from friends, his nice friendly wife, and their two kids. then go the boy/girl twins accompanied by toystory’s buzz lightyear and shrek’s princess fiona parents. there is also the instructor – this plumpy little bold papa smurf character. these are some of our music class for babies companions. we attend this class every sunday. we sing what the teacher sings, we do what the teacher does. our kids like the music class.

mystery brownie

the brownie is sitting here making a fool out of me. don’t laugh at me, you stupid brownie.

the girl that cleans our house comes every other week. after her last visit, a brownie was found in a little package in the basement. we preserved it, we put it in the refrigerator. we assumed the girl forgot to eat it and left it there. yesterday she came to clean again. as she was leaving, i remembered about the brownie. i told her it’s in the refrigerator, and still must be good. the girl gave me a surprised suspicious look. she said she does not think she ever left a brownie. i told her to check it in the fridge. she did not take the brownie. it was not her brownie.

how did you get here, stupid brownie? who are you? why are you here?

matrix

i fell asleep watching the first matrix movie in a theater. the concept seemed way too sci-fi for me to comprehend. it feels so real to me now.

you are carrying purchased toilet paper from a local supermarket. you update your facebook status to 'waiting for american idol finale' using your telephone on your way home. you look forward to playing warcraft with your fellow avatar friends. you meet people every day. you enjoy the conversations, you have fun. you will never touch any of them. they are people, they exist, they are real. are you?

you think, you type. here you are, in your virtual reality. does it feel right? does it feel real? is it real? how far are you from letting your body just sit there feeding energy to the machine? does your mind feel happy? then you must be happy. mind is in control.

how far am i from getting older? how far am i from making fun of the new and modern? am i rejecting it? what am i presently doing?

kill a cat

dedicated to all the cats – dead, alive, barely alive, and on the way to meet their creator.

how much does it cost to kill a cat? a person generally gets a cat to have a cozy furry companion, and normally a person understands the responsibilities that go along with owning a pet. as a cat owner, you must feed your animal, you must provide it with a clean bathroom and the ease of going there. you must occasionally play with the cat or otherwise entertain it to keep the pet happy. you also must be willing to accept few inconveniences of owning a cat, such as scratched furniture, cat hair covered clothes, and occasional urination. eventually, the time comes when the animal is no longer a pleasant companion but pretty much a burden. the cat gets old, the cat gets sick, the cat gets ugly, the cat needs medical care. it’s not like you can open a door for your cat to join all the stray cats that hung out behind your backyard, part with it, and hope that it will remember all the good times you had. this is your freaking pet, you are responsible for it. can you go to a vet, show him your pitiful miserable creature, ask the vet to inject the animal with a lullaby drug, say your last prayers, and wish the cat the best in its next life? you wish, you could. the more humane the vet acts regarding your animal, the more video games he can buy for his kids. this pattern is not intentional, it just works out this way. the vet thinks he has to thoroughly examine your disintegrating animal and provide it with the best possible care. each exam is followed by a set of medications, followed by another exam. the vet does not think you have the right to give up on your pet. the vet does not think money should be an issue. the vet is treating your animal the same way a doctor is treating your family member, your friend. you treat your cat as your pet, as an animal you once chose to own for some reason. you know the cat’s place. you know its place in your life, you know its place in your heart. you are the one who defined it. you are not allowed to define it anymore. no, not on it’s death bed. you are allowed to pay the bills. you are allowed to wonder – how much does it cost to kill a cat.

reincarnation

do you believe in reincarnation? does a thought of taking part in an experiment ever cross your mind? do you feel belonging to a group of people that keep reincarnated constantly working on their karma? do you find it refreshing and entertaining? do you find it repetitive and exhausting? how do you like this alteration?

ukrainian girl

i am the last ukrainian girl in new york. i put my embroidered shirt on, i put my flowered wreath on, i put my red miniskirt on, i put my authentically threaded apron on, i put my red boots on. here i go. i am ready to embarrass myself. look at me. i am the last ukrainian girl in new york.

media

i prefer fiction to reality. i’d rather watch a movie than a news channel, i’d rather read a book than a newspaper. reality is idiotic. politics are complicated, boring, and sad. i don’t mind being ignorant and unaware. sometimes, the information slips in despite my deliberate mindlessness. occasionally, the information is interesting. most of the time, however, the information reassures me in my chosen ignorance. here is the top 10 list of news i recently overheard on major (repeat major) media sites and channels:

10. the price of the metrocard will be increased
9. some old and ugly british woman overwhelmed judges on a contest show in england with her incredible voice
8. a guy was meeting up women through craigslist and murdering them, and there is a concern now that craigslist is dangerous
7. egypt is killing all their pigs to protect the citizens from swine flu
6. many mothers don’t allow their children to go to dates, playdates, and prom nights in fear of swine flu
5. there is a swine flu epidemic in mexico
4. jon from jon and kate plus 8 reality show was caught running away from paparazzi with another woman
3. the likeliness of you to divorce is found proportional to the number of your not smiling childhood photographs
2. ashton kutcher got 1 million followers on twitter faster than cnn got them
1. economy is pretty bad at the moment

audience

how often do you feel incompetent? how often do you feel helpless? how often do you feel vulnerable? how often do you feel incompetent, helpless, and vulnerable knowing that your audience envisions you as strong, confident, and sure? do you hide your feelings, do you suppress them in order not to disappoint your audience? do you hide them out of fear that your audience would like you less? do you hide them out of fear that your audience would like themselves less seeing you this way? do you never feel incompetent, helpless, and vulnerable? who is your audience?

ues

it started on a bus. i looked around. the only people i saw were these intelligent looking, pretty and handsome guys and girls. the bus stopped in front of a museum. i looked around. the only people i saw inside were these even more intelligent looking, more pretty, more handsome guys and girls. they were young. some spoke with accents, some spoke in foreign languages. we walked to a vegan restaurant nearby. i looked around. it seemed we were following the pretty, the handsome, the intelligent, the young. or maybe they were following us? next time i want pretty, i want handsome, i want young, i want intelligent – look for me there.