unable

you quietly sit down on a delicate old chair trying not to make a creak
you close your eyes, you listen to the silence unable to see or speak
sorry, you arrived a bit late
welcome to your journey of hate

nothing

here you are. tomorrow will come. there is nothing. there is nothing that can change. there is nothing that can change you. there is nothing to value. there is nothing to regret. there is nothing to dream about. there is nothing to lie about. there is nothing to forgive. there is nothing to forget.

heart

thick foul yellow scales grew on my heart over time. there were just a few of them at first. i did not notice as the whole heart got covered. it seems it happened so fast. i look at my heart. i can’t see it, i can’t find it. all i see is disgusting yellow matter in the place where something beautiful was meant to be.

the zappos experience

i ordered a pair of shoes for my son from zappos. he tried them on, they looked good. he put them on, he went to school. i threw away the shoe box, the shipping box. the recycle truck came picked it up. my son came back from school with a velcro completely pulled out on his right shoe. the left shoe was fine. i figured, i have to take my new expensive once worn shoe to a shoe fixing place few blocks away, and pay another $10 or so to get the shoe fixed. but then i decided to give zappos a call to see what they’d say. a nice guy apparently named hector told me that it would be no problem to exchange or even completely refund the shoes. that was surprisingly positive. i received the exchange pair the next day; my son came back from school wearing shoes in the same condition as when he left. i received 8 various emails from zappos since i made the exchange. some of them are confirmations, some are announcements, a label to print, a customer appreciation survey to fill, and finally a letter to share my story to be published (if selected) in josheph michelli “the zappos experience” book. i am now not sure it was all worth saving the $10. should i send my story to mr michelli?

happy new year

when you’re young, the winter holidays are the holidays you look forward to the most. as you get older, the repetitiveness of the event bores you out. as you get children, the idea of staying up late on new year’s eve ceases to excite you. you can get so preoccupied with your personal things, you may not even notice new year began. here is a top 10 signs the winter holidays must be over:

10. the line to the returns at century 21 store is much longer than the lines to the registers
9. you see bunch of christmas trees on your street on the morning of the trash pickup
8. the count of bills in your mailbox supersedes the count of greeting cards
7. you email inbox is mostly junk from senders you don’t know
6. few days pass by without seeing your ups guy
5. your groceries are getting delivered without interventions via the phone
4. you are able to listen to the music on the radio
3. you don’t need to call in advance to each place you’re trying to go to make sure they are open
2. you notice a new calendar on your wall
1. you need to go to work

annoying

it can be pretty challenging to realize and especially accept being not liked by someone who used to like you before. this can be true for a relationship on any level – with an owner of a local grocery store, a neighbor, a friend, a spouse. however, you are not the only one having problems. this situation is tough for the other party as well. whatever the reasons are – maybe you’ve done something the other person did not like, maybe he/she found people that are more interesting than you, maybe that person has entered a new life phase, maybe the relationship lost it’s challenge, maybe your presence became plainly annoying, maybe that person took another look at you and thought “eww”, - anything could have happened with a daily flow of life. this person does not hate you, does not want to hurt you. this person just wants you to leave him or her alone for a while for whatever reason. you know that “a while” is likely to last, so you attempt to avoid it.

here is a top 10 signs you are really annoying someone who does not like you that much anymore:

10. you keep starting conversations when the person repetitively states that he/she has too much work to be able to converse during business hours

9. you keep starting conversations when the person repetitively states that he/she has a lot of things going on to be able to converse after business hours

8. you keep suggesting going to places on evenings when the person repetitively needs to get home early

7. you keep suggesting going to places on weekends when the person repetitively has other plans

6. you keep engaging the person into discussions when the only responses you get are no longer than few word sentences

5. you keep sending letters, emails, calling or texting when the person repetitively does not respond to your letters, emails, calls, or texts

4. you keep being friendly when the person tells you that he/she has to join other people’s table at a common social function

3. you keep asking how long this phase will last when the answer you get is it’s all in your mind

2. you keep offering something to the other person when that something is the only item this person is willing to talk to you about

1. you keep talking in this superior know-it-all kind of tone knowing it is the most annoying thing ever because this is the only way for you to keep your cool, and because in reality, you are kind of an annoying

virtual massager

a substitute yoga teacher suggested this meditation:

sit straight. close your eyes. imagine a sparkling small ball filled with light on your tailbone. see the ball rolling up the spine to your neck. see it rolling down the spine back to the tailbone. up the spine again.. few minutes of this..

how do you feel?

a streetcar named desire

i saw cate blanchett last night! i don’t think i have ever seen a better dramatic performance. i came to the theater with very high expectations, and i left completely esthetically fulfilled. she was unbelievable, and kept us all focused for the duration of the whole over 3hrs play.

the theater was also very architecturally interesting. i have never been in the harvey theater in brooklyn (part of bam) until yesterday. the audience was notable as well. some high society members taking a trip to brooklyn on their limos and car services, some faces that you look and can’t quite remember where you’ve seen them – was it in a magazine, was it on tv.. it seemed all the new york intelligence was there.

we went to a coffee house that was so similar to the no longer existing coffee house where we met. a very nice evening on a cold winter day.

moon

you close the door. it is dark and cold outside. the moon is huge, it is right above your street, so white, so large, so enigmatic. you feel like the moon is talking to you. you make a wish. you don’t even need to think of it, there is always just this one wish you have. you ask the moon to make your wish come true.

friends

you call me on the telephone. you start a little polite small talk. you ask me questions about my life before you ask me to help you with your homework. i call you on the telephone. i start a little polite small talk. i offer you my help with your homework before i ask you questions about your life.

box

i am knocking on the glass wall of my box. i am waving at you. i am screaming at you. you turned your back to me. i want you to look at me. i want you to listen to me. i want you to pay attention to me. i knock. i wave. i scream. the track comes, it picks me up in my glass box. it drives me for a while. it lets go of my box.

merged

your world used to be so perfectly divided. there was your current life with your family, your work projects, a few social pals, a nightly tv hour. there was your young life with boys and girls - soon to be senior citizens - who you used to call your friends. there were the one night stands, the unanswered loves, the cigarettes, the clubs, the books, the shots. you used to feel so at ease sharing events of your college life with people at work. you used to feel so relieved being able to tell the truth about your high schools relationships to a friend you met in your 30s. you used to feel so entertained making up stories of your romantic encounters for anyone who listened. you felt so secure separated from that life by years and continents. it was so until the social networking sites came in and merged it all together, bringing chaos into your daily life. suddenly, all these one night encounters materialize into faces for your significant other. suddenly, your late 30s friend befriends a friend of your early 20s. suddenly, you are not sure what you are going to see on your screen each evening. suddenly, you are having a panic attack every time you turn your computer on.
did you really think it through before you opened that facebook account?

exhibit

i open a glass jar. i remove all the stale particles that have been sitting in there for ages. i clean the jar with soap and water until the glass is crystal clear. i climb into the jar. i close the lid. look at me, point at me – i am an exhibit, i am unique.

discontinued

fuck. finally, few months back i found a replacement for my old lipstick that has been discontinued for quite some time. i used to order it from who knows where until it disappeared from the market forever. so, after a long search, i found another one that i loved. and, of course, i go to get the new one, only to find out that sephora has discontinued the brand. i can still buy it, but not at sephora. well, let me tell you, it will not be too long before the brand is dead, when sephora decides they are not making revenue on it. there is a pattern in my life – my beloved facial mask – discontinued, my favorite toothpaste – terminated, so are numerous mascaras, foundations, and various other cosmetic items. don’t get me started on the food. why do my favorite yogurts always have to go? i feel, every product i try and don’t like ends up on the shelves for years in full glory, and everything i like gets kicked out as soon as i feel comfortable with my new product. i obviously don’t have a taste for anything that can hold on the market. well, at least my new lipstick is coming, just extra $6 for shipping, it will be here soon.

regina spektor

the members of the orchestra have left the stage. the performing girl stopped playing her piano. she stopped playing her synthesizer. she stopped playing her guitar. she stopped playing piano with her left hand while hitting a chair with a drumstick with her right hand. she is just standing in the middle of the stage at the radio city, and singing. no musical instruments anymore, voice only. she sounds so much better in concert. this shy audience appreciative nicely weird girl somehow transformed this large commercial venue into something else – just a large dark room filled with a beautiful voice, and with happy people. it was a great concert. i was very impressed.

guilty?

how embarrassing do you find things that touch you, the things that make you sad, the things that occupy your mind? does a seasonal fever of your child concerns you more than a death of your friend’s husband? do you find yourself thinking more about a boy or a girl you like than about your parents’ unemployment? do you think more about a party you are going to throw than about your sibling’s coming graduation day? does a divorce story of a person you barely know touches your heart more than a risky surgery of your relative? do you spend a restless night worrying about your own not-so-hot test results or about the deadly diagnosis of your best friend? do you feel guilty? do you feel like a bad person – an uncaring relative, a selfish friend? do you feel self-centered? do you feel ignorant? can you change your thoughts? can you change your concerns? can you force yourself worry about what you think you should worry about? can you dictate your heart what to be moved by? do you feel comfortable with your thoughts and concerns?

showers

there are these special rituals in america called showers. there are two types of them – a bridal shower, and a baby shower. the concept of these rituals is such – everyone get gifts for a celebrated female, and place them in bags accompanied by cards. then the honorable bride or mother to be is required to open the presents in front of all attending invitees. she opens a first bag, reads a card to herself, thanks the appropriate gift-giving person, then proceeds opening the actual present. in the meantime, all the other respected females are there to judge the item purchaser by the selection she happened to make. then the next bag gets to be opened. repeat. you are considered a weirdo if you try sabotaging the ritual by asking of having your gift not to be opened publicly. whatever your reasons are – you are pretty much defeating the purpose of the gathering by this request. i was wondering if it is possible to alter the order of events without damaging your image too much. can you switch the card and the gift order and purpose? can you write a card suited for public read-aloud, and ask to have your gift to be opened privately instead? have you ever tried?

elephant poop

an elephant turned 180 degrees, he’s behind facing us. he performed a little dance, it was cute. then the enormous pieces of poop started dropping. one, the next, another one.. we are sitting in the circus watching the elephant poop. we are overwhelmed. the children go home and start playing elephant potty training games. i go home, and mention elephant poop in work emails. every day should be an elephant pooping day.

knot

your head feels heavy. the thoughts from today and from yesterday and from the day before and from the week ago and from the year ago all came together and made a tight knot in your brain. you can’t process the thoughts. you can’t think them. you just feel their heaviness, their pressure. you feel the alcohol presence around them. it was supposed to make them feel lighter but it did not. it just made you feel confused. you move the knot of thoughts to the back of your head to let the normal processes function, to let the things flow. you wake up late at night, and you feel the presence of the knot. it moved forward. it wants you to acknowledge it, it needs you to process it, it demands you to accept it. you fix your pillow. you pull up your blanket. you move from your right side to your left. you go back to sleep.

layers

you take a layer off. you do a circle, you send a few smiles. you give a few looks. another layer - off. another circle, more smiles, more looks, more faces, more eyes. layers, layers, more layers. endless layers to take off. is there anything else?