wrinkles

new unfamiliar wrinkle appeared on your face this morning adding to the list of lost hopes that will never come true, that will never make it up, that will never let to try again. once, nothing mattered more than being caressed by the glance of your big wistful eyes, their depth made me believe, their beauty made me dream. your skin was so smooth. i was so in love. one look at you crippled me. there were no wrinkles, just youth. unfair arrogant rude possessive youth. each lie, each pain, each pique became a wrinkle. wrinkles repulse me.

happy bits

happy bits are all around. they are sitting along the four straight edges of the kite, laughing, blowing bubbles, making faces. they are rolling over each other in the bright grass, watching kids play ball. they are hiding in the fluffy pink feathers of curious birds, perched on the tree branches, curving their long necks. the sky is clear. the air is crisp. the day is full of happy bits.

subtleties

the coral red. the greens, the grays. last day. today. i say good bye. it feels as you have just arrived. the apprehension, yearning, thirst. the longing glance. the subtle voice. wave of the hand. the strand of hair. the wish, the blow. you are not there.

a snapshot

i became a stalker. obsessed. i scouted for days looking at the spot. your spot. my spot. the thought of me looking at you, you looking at me. the glorious thought. the frightening thought. a bright article to hold your gaze. for a moment, a second. you stood up. i stood up. i looked at you. steady. directly. you looked at me. steady. directly. a moment. a glorious moment. a snapshot. i can look at you. all can look at you. you’re looking at me.

splash

splashing water. footprints in the sand. laughter. dreams. seagulls. joy. sun. possibilities. imagination.  splash. vision. happiness. the vision of happiness. splash. screech. false note. fake sound. water in the eyes. splash. dark sky. it could not be. nothing. low tide.

following

it can ambush you without any prior notice or warning. it can conquer you at any moment in any form. it can be a being, a thing, a substance, a fantasy. it can happen to you, hit you, astound you, change you. an extraordinary something pops into your life unexpected, unpredicted, unannounced. in awe, you’d follow it, alone or in a fandom. you’ll put on your ruby slippers and  follow it, whomever it is, whatever it is, wherever it goes.

troll

hey, i see you - wiggling your gray faded tail, crawling over my words. you put them inside your cheeks, tug them away to a safe hidden spot. you sit over there, remove your girdle, get ready. you lick the words with your ulcerous tongue, passionately rub the words over your fungal skin, sniff them in. i see you - pathetic disgusting foul troll in the dark wet hole with my beautiful words all around you.

fear

the fear. the freezing shivering hands. the overclocking heartbeat. the sweat. the panic. the storm of overbearing anxiety. let go. be calm. close your eyes tight-tight-tight. take a breath. lock your lips like they’ll never open. don’t be afraid. dive in. let them see it. let them see you. you are not that important. you are not a big deal. release.

xxxx

it has to start with the ability to say:
x xx xxxxxxxxx xx xxxxx.

pull

you grab on so tight, it hurts your hands. the skin, ripped by calluses, shows islands of raw red flesh. you hold on, you pull, you won’t let go. you need this. this is all you can do. this is all you could hold. you’ll try all you can. you will get bored. the thrill, the novelty, it will all wear off. plagued calluses will rub off. scarred marks will scrupulously cover your healed skin. you will drift for a while. there will be something next. you may come back. your eyes would look down at your palms, and your lips would smile.

truth

the moment of satisfaction upon arriving at a movie theater and recognizing all of the currently playing films is followed by a moment of realization that the minimal age of the people in the audience of the movie you have selected to watch seems to be about 65.

lucky

unspoken words. unfinished thoughts. the fear. the anxiety. the empty days. the stretch of time. the doubts. the hope. you look at all that passed. the moments. wide open eyes. the love from ones you love. support in their smile. encouragement combined with trust in you. the confidence in you. the times you celebrate your chose them. you kept them all along. on a quest. you look at yourself. you look around. you look ahead. and then you tell yourself: “how fucking lucky”.

newfound insights

перечень понятий, с которыми я ознакомилась за последнее время просто неимоверен и многогранен. вот горячая десятка моей новонайденной эрудиции:

10. как сжимать зубы от стыда и улыбаться нахмурившись
9. театральные нюансы, виды шерстяных пальто и хлопковых постелей
8. все про дранки, планки, катушки и бечевки
7. православные кресты, купола и соборы
6. зарождение поп-арта и американского футбола
5. сухожилия рук и болезни суставов ног и стоп
4. специфика почтовой оплаты по получению
3. рубанки, грузовики, и газовые баллоны
2. пирожковые, пончиковые и хлебная водка
1. пистоны, поршни и лисы

то ли еще будет?..

the vast knowledge i lately obtained is mindboggling. here is a list of top 10 of my newfound insights:

10. how to set teeth in shame and smile while frowning
9. stage and theater specifics, types of wool coats and cotton sheets
8. all about sticks, strings, notching and tying
7. orthodox christian crosses, domes and cathedrals
6. birth of pop art and american football
5. hand tendons and illnesses of leg and foot joints
4. specifics of collect on delivery packages
3. carpenters planes, trucks and gas tanks
2. doughnut shops and rye vodka
1. pistons, barrels and foxes

what’s next?..

fame

it’s not easy to handle all this fame. they are not kidding saying it’s excruciating to attract. thousands of people come and see you naked. they examine your heart. they poke at it with tools, they look at colors, they analyze the beat. they voice their opinions, they use harsh words, they want you to feel ugly. you thought you would not give a shit. they proved you wrong. you did not think the kindness would matter either. it does. ‘I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.’

promise

i will find you. you will be unique and beautiful, and you will break my heart. you will have a round face with your dark brown hair split in the middle, looking at me with your honest devoted green eyes, promising me something, i would not yet know what. i know, the promise will be broken, the eyes will turn away, the air will turn black, and i accept that without a second thought. i will find the green eyes on a round face with a promise.

tpos

can you fall in love with a book? can it craze you to madness, make you act foolishly, silly like a child? can it take control of your mind? can it take over your life, lead you on a quest? can you discover your alter ego? can you transform? can your insanity become contagious? can you find a pool of souls going through the same? can it validate you? can you find yourself welcomed, valued, understood? can you tell why? can you see what is wrong?

cement

you go to the hardware store. you pick best quality cement. you pick the most expensive bricks. you load the car. you drive back. you line up the bricks. you mix the cement. you place the bricks one by one in a perfect line. you coat them with cement. you put up the second line, the third, the fourth, all the way up to your height. you turn. you make the next wall, one more and the last. you make the ceiling right above your head. you are done. you have succeeded.

a gift

each sentence is a gift. a holiday to celebrate. like butter to spread. so light and yet so delicate you have to stay alert. you have to keep the balance, the pace, the rhythm. it gives you so much joy. it gives you so much comfort. the present you can take and share in return. disquiet of your heart. you add a spice of tenderness directly from your soul. with all your love. you send it forth and pause. can you believe it?

the happy place

come here if you are down, upset or anxious. you think, things aren’t fair? you think life is too much? don’t be foolish. come here instead. you can’t be here without a smile. you can’t be here unhappy. this is a happy place. you need a happy place. today this one is yours. today this one is happy. today it is enough.

your wish

you are sitting across from me on the old chair in the shabby room. stop looking at me, you say, restless, annoyed by my stare. i don’t move my gaze. i don’t acknowledge your words. i am not concerned with your wishes. i do not ask why you are there. i keep looking. i keep looking at your face that will not be with me anymore. i have to memorize each cell, each line to store them in my heart. to take them with me. your face. i have to take my doubts and regrets, my joy and disappointment far away deep into the future. i have to take them to the day many-many days ahead when i will take each cell, each line out of my heart, place them together into your face, look at your eyes and ask – what did you wish for on that day many days ago?