knight

you’re sitting by the window absentmindedly peeling the chipped white paint off the aged frame. the rain outside indifferently wetting everything in sight. you were looking for the knight to come to your window on his white horse. he is not there again. the gloomy days, the residue of winter, do not seem to end although the mid-spring has already passed.  “the knight wouldn't like getting wet,” you tell yourself, “he wouldn’t like having the horse out on such a night.” you close the curtain. you go to the kitchen. you make yourself some tea. you get few cookies out, and you place them on the small blue plate. you sit down on your wooden chair turning it’s back to the window, propping yourself with a slightly stained yellow pillow. a thought, like a déjà vu feeling passes by. you shake your head, not quite sure where it came from. you turn on the tv. the weather forecast predicts a warm sunny tomorrow. you look pleased. you smile. “tomorrow,” you tell yourself, “tomorrow he’d surely come on his shiny white horse”.

walkway

metallic smell surrounds the pile of grey hollow bodies spread against a mirrored wall along the slow moving looped walkway. white sink is attached to the wall. on the grey walkway, endless hollow figures carry expressionless hollow heads in their sturdy hollow hands. their still hollow legs don’t bend, don’t get tired. hollow faces, hollow eyes, hollow limbs, hollow hearts circle around on the walkway. the knob turns. thick red odorless fluid gurgles from the metal faucet. fake flesh, fake vomit, fake blood fill the hollow heads in the hands of the hollow figures as they pass the faucet on the grey slow moving looped walkway.

wrinkles

new unfamiliar wrinkle appeared on your face this morning adding to the list of lost hopes that will never come true, that will never make it up, that will never let to try again. once, nothing mattered more than being caressed by the glance of your big wistful eyes, their depth made me believe, their beauty made me dream. your skin was so smooth. i was so in love. one look at you crippled me. there were no wrinkles, just youth. unfair arrogant rude possessive youth. each lie, each pain, each pique became a wrinkle. wrinkles repulse me.

happy bits

happy bits are all around. they are sitting along the four straight edges of the kite, laughing, blowing bubbles, making faces. they are rolling over each other in the bright grass, watching kids play ball. they are hiding in the fluffy pink feathers of curious birds, perched on the tree branches, curving their long necks. the sky is clear. the air is crisp. the day is full of happy bits.

subtleties

the coral red. the greens, the grays. last day. today. i say good bye. it feels as you have just arrived. the apprehension, yearning, thirst. the longing glance. the subtle voice. wave of the hand. the strand of hair. the wish, the blow. you are not there.

a snapshot

i became a stalker. obsessed. i scouted for days looking at the spot. your spot. my spot. the thought of me looking at you, you looking at me. the glorious thought. the frightening thought. a bright article to hold your gaze. for a moment, a second. you stood up. i stood up. i looked at you. steady. directly. you looked at me. steady. directly. a moment. a glorious moment. a snapshot. i can look at you. all can look at you. you’re looking at me.

splash

splashing water. footprints in the sand. laughter. dreams. seagulls. joy. sun. possibilities. imagination.  splash. vision. happiness. the vision of happiness. splash. screech. false note. fake sound. water in the eyes. splash. dark sky. it could not be. nothing. low tide.

following

it can ambush you without any prior notice or warning. it can conquer you at any moment in any form. it can be a being, a thing, a substance, a fantasy. it can happen to you, hit you, astound you, change you. an extraordinary something pops into your life unexpected, unpredicted, unannounced. in awe, you’d follow it, alone or in a fandom. you’ll put on your ruby slippers and  follow it, whomever it is, whatever it is, wherever it goes.

troll

hey, i see you - wiggling your gray faded tail, crawling over my words. you put them inside your cheeks, tug them away to a safe hidden spot. you sit over there, remove your girdle, get ready. you lick the words with your ulcerous tongue, passionately rub the words over your fungal skin, sniff them in. i see you - pathetic disgusting foul troll in the dark wet hole with my beautiful words all around you.

fear

the fear. the freezing shivering hands. the overclocking heartbeat. the sweat. the panic. the storm of overbearing anxiety. let go. be calm. close your eyes tight-tight-tight. take a breath. lock your lips like they’ll never open. don’t be afraid. dive in. let them see it. let them see you. you are not that important. you are not a big deal. release.

xxxx

it has to start with the ability to say:
x xx xxxxxxxxx xx xxxxx.

pull

you grab on so tight, it hurts your hands. the skin, ripped by calluses, shows islands of raw red flesh. you hold on, you pull, you won’t let go. you need this. this is all you can do. this is all you could hold. you’ll try all you can. you will get bored. the thrill, the novelty, it will all wear off. plagued calluses will rub off. scarred marks will scrupulously cover your healed skin. you will drift for a while. there will be something next. you may come back. your eyes would look down at your palms, and your lips would smile.

truth

the moment of satisfaction upon arriving at a movie theater and recognizing all of the currently playing films is followed by a moment of realization that the minimal age of the people in the audience of the movie you have selected to watch seems to be about 65.

lucky

unspoken words. unfinished thoughts. the fear. the anxiety. the empty days. the stretch of time. the doubts. the hope. you look at all that passed. the moments. wide open eyes. the love from ones you love. support in their smile. encouragement combined with trust in you. the confidence in you. the times you celebrate your chose them. you kept them all along. on a quest. you look at yourself. you look around. you look ahead. and then you tell yourself: “how fucking lucky”.

newfound insights

перечень понятий, с которыми я ознакомилась за последнее время просто неимоверен и многогранен. вот горячая десятка моей новонайденной эрудиции:

10. как сжимать зубы от стыда и улыбаться нахмурившись
9. театральные нюансы, виды шерстяных пальто и хлопковых постелей
8. все про дранки, планки, катушки и бечевки
7. православные кресты, купола и соборы
6. зарождение поп-арта и американского футбола
5. сухожилия рук и болезни суставов ног и стоп
4. специфика почтовой оплаты по получению
3. рубанки, грузовики, и газовые баллоны
2. пирожковые, пончиковые и хлебная водка
1. пистоны, поршни и лисы

то ли еще будет?..

the vast knowledge i lately obtained is mindboggling. here is a list of top 10 of my newfound insights:

10. how to set teeth in shame and smile while frowning
9. stage and theater specifics, types of wool coats and cotton sheets
8. all about sticks, strings, notching and tying
7. orthodox christian crosses, domes and cathedrals
6. birth of pop art and american football
5. hand tendons and illnesses of leg and foot joints
4. specifics of collect on delivery packages
3. carpenters planes, trucks and gas tanks
2. doughnut shops and rye vodka
1. pistons, barrels and foxes

what’s next?..

fame

it’s not easy to handle all this fame. they are not kidding saying it’s excruciating to attract. thousands of people come and see you naked. they examine your heart. they poke at it with tools, they look at colors, they analyze the beat. they voice their opinions, they use harsh words, they want you to feel ugly. you thought you would not give a shit. they proved you wrong. you did not think the kindness would matter either. it does. ‘I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.’

promise

i will find you. you will be unique and beautiful, and you will break my heart. you will have a round face with your dark brown hair split in the middle, looking at me with your honest devoted green eyes, promising me something, i would not yet know what. i know, the promise will be broken, the eyes will turn away, the air will turn black, and i accept that without a second thought. i will find the green eyes on a round face with a promise.

tpos

can you fall in love with a book? can it craze you to madness, make you act foolishly, silly like a child? can it take control of your mind? can it take over your life, lead you on a quest? can you discover your alter ego? can you transform? can your insanity become contagious? can you find a pool of souls going through the same? can it validate you? can you find yourself welcomed, valued, understood? can you tell why? can you see what is wrong?

cement

you go to the hardware store. you pick best quality cement. you pick the most expensive bricks. you load the car. you drive back. you line up the bricks. you mix the cement. you place the bricks one by one in a perfect line. you coat them with cement. you put up the second line, the third, the fourth, all the way up to your height. you turn. you make the next wall, one more and the last. you make the ceiling right above your head. you are done. you have succeeded.

a gift

each sentence is a gift. a holiday to celebrate. like butter to spread. so light and yet so delicate you have to stay alert. you have to keep the balance, the pace, the rhythm. it gives you so much joy. it gives you so much comfort. the present you can take and share in return. disquiet of your heart. you add a spice of tenderness directly from your soul. with all your love. you send it forth and pause. can you believe it?

the happy place

come here if you are down, upset or anxious. you think, things aren’t fair? you think life is too much? don’t be foolish. come here instead. you can’t be here without a smile. you can’t be here unhappy. this is a happy place. you need a happy place. today this one is yours. today this one is happy. today it is enough.

your wish

you are sitting across from me on the old chair in the shabby room. stop looking at me, you say, restless, annoyed by my stare. i don’t move my gaze. i don’t acknowledge your words. i am not concerned with your wishes. i do not ask why you are there. i keep looking. i keep looking at your face that will not be with me anymore. i have to memorize each cell, each line to store them in my heart. to take them with me. your face. i have to take my doubts and regrets, my joy and disappointment far away deep into the future. i have to take them to the day many-many days ahead when i will take each cell, each line out of my heart, place them together into your face, look at your eyes and ask – what did you wish for on that day many days ago?

walk

you wake up to a view of blue calm empty sky. your bones ache. your joints are in pain. you get up. you walk for a long time. people die. people you love die. people change. things change. the sky becomes gray and full of clouds. full of rain. you mourn as you walk. you cry. you walk for a long time. your boots leave deep footprints in the mud as you walk. your lover is by your side in a flower dress. she is beautiful. you are beautiful. your children are playing next to you. you are happy. you are hopeful. the sun is shining. you are burning up. it is hot. you are thirsty. you walk for a long time. you skip ahead curiously. you look for something to quench your thirst. you lay down. you gaze up into your mom’s loving eyes. you hug. you suck. above is a view of blue calm empty sky.

exclamations

day two. overjoyed! i really am, i am full of energy and excitement! i want to jump up in the air and do a flip! i am twirling inside my head! how great this is going to be! what an idea! what an ambition! what a perfect plan! let’s do it!

therapist

dr. doorovski is sipping rich cardamon tea with a touch of cinnamon anxiously looking at the clock. his patient is late, and it makes him undeniably uncomfortable and disappointed. he has realized, he holds himself responsible for his patient’s conduct and choices, and he repulsively resents this revelation. to dr. doorovski, his patient’s tardiness to an appointment with him feels like a personal failure. he convulsively scratches his cheek. the new aftershave, the 22nd anniversary gift from his wife linda, must have been wrong for his skin. he senses dryness and irritation all over his face, especially around his thick grayish mustache. dr. doorovski gets up from his chair and stares at the busy construction site out of the wide window at his office. he looks at the confident steady movements of the workers that project a strong sense of belonging and purpose. dr. doorovski opens a door of a thin tall mahogany cabinet in the corner. he pulls out a bottle of scotch, and he pours himself a glass.

freedom weekend

в эти выходные мне вспомнились другие летние выходные. я шла с папой по проспекту шевченко во львове, когда мы столкнулись с его знакомой. она держала в руках блокнот и ручку и делала какие-то записи. эта женщина была настолько этим занята, что прошла бы мимо, не заметив нас, если бы папа ее не окликнул. “что ты записываешь?”, - спросил он ее. “да вот, пишу адреса тех, кто вывесил украинские флаги”, ответила знакомая, - “попросили записать на всякий случай”, - добавила она. это было лето 1991-го года, когда западная украина заговорила о желании независимости от умирающего советского союза. в эти выходные многие львовские жители вывесили украинские флаги на своих квартирах и домах в патриотическом жесте в поддержку новых времен. папина подруга работала в райкоме партии. он еще существовал, там люди по прежнему получали зарплаты, и еще не было до конца понятна ситуация ни отделения украины, ни гибель советского союза вместе с райкомом партии, ни судьба тех патриотов-смельчаков, вывесивших флаги.

this weekend i remembered another summer weekend. i was walking with my father in lvov, when we ran into a friend of his. she had a notepad and a pen in her hands writing something down. she was so concentrated, she would have walked by without noticing us have my father not called her. ‘what are you writing?’, he asked. ‘writing down addresses of the ones who put ukrainian flags up’, she replied. ‘they asked me to take notes just in case’, she added. it was a summer day in 1991 when the west ukraine first talked of independence from the decaying soviet union. that weekend many citizens of lvov hung ukrainian flags at their apartments and buildings in a patriotic gesture supporting and welcoming these changes. my father’s friend worked at a communistic district committee that still existed, people still received salaries there, and there was still a big uncertainty about it all – the ukrainian independence, the death of the soviet union together with all the district committees, as well as the future of these brave patriotic citizen who hung the flags.

molding

you are an artist. you search. you spend your days looking for your mold, looking for your gem. you’re going to make an art. you will find that perfect person - the one to inspire, the one to create, - your muse. you will hold the one you found tight and gently in your caring palms. you will treasure her features, you will absorb and memorize them all. you will learn how she walks, what she loves, and who she is. you will discover her soul. you will study her obsessively non-stop, even in your sleep. you will go deeper and further to unravel who she is. you’ll realize your muse is not that flawless. you will find your muse to hold some traits you do not like. it is ok. you are an artist. she is your art. you will take your mold and you will improvise.  you will work on adding qualities you feel are missing, you feel are wrong. you will mold your muse until you’re satisfied with the result, until you’re proud of your art. you will be content when you can no longer sense the precious tenderness you felt in your loving palms.

question

my body is restless. i am so afraid. i need to ask you this single uppermost question. i don’t know what i am more frightened of – asking the question or hearing you answering it. i am in a daze. i am not myself. who am i? who will i be after your answer? will you ever answer? will i ever ask?

a roach

joseph tann was crawling along a rusty pipe from the first floor kitchen back down the basement. his tuxedo was wrinkled and torn in places. profound sweat was covering his dark muscular yet noticeably tired body marked by signs of exhaustion. a heartburn was visibly bothering him, making him crouch every few steps. finally joseph plopped at his destination – a cardboard box filled with dump stained yellowish books at the far gloomy corner of this dim shabby space. joseph crawled over kafka’s metamorphosis to the familiar spot at the back. he relaxed his antennas. he was ready for his nap.

observer

my nostrils are sensing a thread of a rotting compost mixed with cigarette butts and dripped out beer. i am sitting on the street in the outdoor section of a prominent restaurant. my drink is a delightful mix of fresh grapefruit, rose, elderflowers and liqueur. inside, a band is playing a blend of reggae, jazz and soft rock. i am no longer anxious. i am an observer. the stroll of worn out children wearing washed off organic cotton labels carrying light sabers or riding scooters does not seem to pause. the children are followed by dads of the same dress code and demeanor. droplets of sweat are sparking on arms and faces of everyone. i can’t spot makeup on any female despite my suspicion they do have it on. there are people with dogs, all so well groomed. i was here once before, many years ago. the memory does not feel neither painful nor sentimental. i’m glad i am here.

string

i am unwinding the string. i am aware of what i am doing. i’m terrified and excited. i know the consequences, i know the drill. nothing is new but i feel like it is. i’m frightened. i’m prepared. i think i am, yet i know i am not. i know the despair, the pain, the loss. they are my friends. they will appear when the string is dropped, when i emptied it all. i do not care. i will get through. i will do it this time. but i know i cannot.

words

you let go, you take a breath, you submerge in a pool of words, - beautiful, contradictory, intriguing, hypnotizing words. you hear fragments of words said softly and loudly around you. you see words of different fonts and shapes chaotically flying in front of you, towards you and away from you in all directions. you try to grab on to a word. you try to clutch to any word that can take you away. you are desperate to connect to a word. you know the other words will stop their bewildered dance the instant you do it. the words will pause, they will glow and line up, the words will take order and meaning. the words will light up and escort you to the whimsical enchanting world you are longing to be in.

love

it happened. all of a sudden the love was there rapidly filling my every cell. love was forcing in, pushing away my thoughts and feelings, adamantly squeezing them out, replacing all i had. instantly i understood it was love.  i recognized it, i welcomed it, i opened all the space in me for it. i did not need anything else. all i had before was no longer important or real. i let love fill me full of warm incredibly light glowing tender happiness.  

emotional intensity

google ‘emotional intensity’ and you will find this to be a favorable characteristic suggesting gifted individuality. it is a positive quality to have, something to be nurtured and cherished. it is considered to be a strength implying interesting complex personality with wonderfully rich inner world. this trait should be cultivated, appreciated and valued.

now add a ‘disorder’ ending to your search. did you get borderline? it is a new name for bpd, congratulations doctors! is adding a word ‘disorder’ enough to turn something supposedly wonderful into something so dark? can ‘disorder’ be replaced with another word to get more mild result? maybe it is just a perfect black and white output fitting to the input of the search.

truthful

please, tell me the truth, - you ask me. i look at you and i am scared. i look at you and i want to tell you the truth. i just don’t know what it means. i want to be a good person.  i want to tell you what you are asking. i don’t know how to do that. i just don’t know. i can try to please you. i can take my best guess. i can tell you what i think you want the truth to be. i will have to do that. i am going to see the look of reassurance in your eyes.  you will feel comforted. you will feel secured.  you will feel good.  i will feel sad. i will feel worthless. i will feel confused.

first time

it is a warm bright night in the late spring in a crowed city.  young eccentrically dressed cool looking people are everywhere. we are holding hands. we are crossing a street on a red light. a cab makes a sudden turn almost hitting us. you pull your hand out of mine. you run forward. i step back. i wait for the green light. i cross the street by myself. i put my hand into yours on the other side of the crosswalk. we keep walking. i tell you i love you. this is the first time i tell you that.

full

i don't have anything of my own. i don't have any passions, ambitions, desires or dreams. i don't have any interests, goals, talents or skills. there are passions, ambitions, desires and dreams; there are interests, goals, talents and skills. they are inside. they are in me. they are not mine. i live your passions, ambitions, desires and dreams. i live your interests, goals, talents and skills. they fill me. you fill me. i feel full. full of you.

angerstorm

my anger is rolling inside, from my neck to my groin; up and down, up and down it goes. there is a tornado in my body, a cyclone, a blizzard, a thunderstorm; rolling and rolling for hours, for days; rolling up, rolling down. it’s rolling for weeks, for months, for years. the angerstorm does not stop. you can’t make it stop. i can’t make it stop.  sometimes it subdues for a minute, for two. it feels warm inside for a moment, for instant. there is no time to warm-up, there is no time to let go. the moment is gone. the instant is lost. the anger is back rolling up, rolling down; my boundless angerstorm.

unable

you quietly sit down on a delicate old chair trying not to make a creak
you close your eyes, you listen to the silence unable to see or speak
sorry, you arrived a bit late
welcome to your journey of hate

nothing

here you are. tomorrow will come. there is nothing. there is nothing that can change. there is nothing that can change you. there is nothing to value. there is nothing to regret. there is nothing to dream about. there is nothing to lie about. there is nothing to forgive. there is nothing to forget.

heart

thick foul yellow scales grew on my heart over time. there were just a few of them at first. i did not notice as the whole heart got covered. it seems it happened so fast. i look at my heart. i can’t see it, i can’t find it. all i see is disgusting yellow matter in the place where something beautiful was meant to be.

the zappos experience

i ordered a pair of shoes for my son from zappos. he tried them on, they looked good. he put them on, he went to school. i threw away the shoe box, the shipping box. the recycle truck came picked it up. my son came back from school with a velcro completely pulled out on his right shoe. the left shoe was fine. i figured, i have to take my new expensive once worn shoe to a shoe fixing place few blocks away, and pay another $10 or so to get the shoe fixed. but then i decided to give zappos a call to see what they’d say. a nice guy apparently named hector told me that it would be no problem to exchange or even completely refund the shoes. that was surprisingly positive. i received the exchange pair the next day; my son came back from school wearing shoes in the same condition as when he left. i received 8 various emails from zappos since i made the exchange. some of them are confirmations, some are announcements, a label to print, a customer appreciation survey to fill, and finally a letter to share my story to be published (if selected) in josheph michelli “the zappos experience” book. i am now not sure it was all worth saving the $10. should i send my story to mr michelli?

happy new year

when you’re young, the winter holidays are the holidays you look forward to the most. as you get older, the repetitiveness of the event bores you out. as you get children, the idea of staying up late on new year’s eve ceases to excite you. you can get so preoccupied with your personal things, you may not even notice new year began. here is a top 10 signs the winter holidays must be over:

10. the line to the returns at century 21 store is much longer than the lines to the registers
9. you see bunch of christmas trees on your street on the morning of the trash pickup
8. the count of bills in your mailbox supersedes the count of greeting cards
7. you email inbox is mostly junk from senders you don’t know
6. few days pass by without seeing your ups guy
5. your groceries are getting delivered without interventions via the phone
4. you are able to listen to the music on the radio
3. you don’t need to call in advance to each place you’re trying to go to make sure they are open
2. you notice a new calendar on your wall
1. you need to go to work

annoying

it can be pretty challenging to realize and especially accept being not liked by someone who used to like you before. this can be true for a relationship on any level – with an owner of a local grocery store, a neighbor, a friend, a spouse. however, you are not the only one having problems. this situation is tough for the other party as well. whatever the reasons are – maybe you’ve done something the other person did not like, maybe he/she found people that are more interesting than you, maybe that person has entered a new life phase, maybe the relationship lost it’s challenge, maybe your presence became plainly annoying, maybe that person took another look at you and thought “eww”, - anything could have happened with a daily flow of life. this person does not hate you, does not want to hurt you. this person just wants you to leave him or her alone for a while for whatever reason. you know that “a while” is likely to last, so you attempt to avoid it.

here is a top 10 signs you are really annoying someone who does not like you that much anymore:

10. you keep starting conversations when the person repetitively states that he/she has too much work to be able to converse during business hours

9. you keep starting conversations when the person repetitively states that he/she has a lot of things going on to be able to converse after business hours

8. you keep suggesting going to places on evenings when the person repetitively needs to get home early

7. you keep suggesting going to places on weekends when the person repetitively has other plans

6. you keep engaging the person into discussions when the only responses you get are no longer than few word sentences

5. you keep sending letters, emails, calling or texting when the person repetitively does not respond to your letters, emails, calls, or texts

4. you keep being friendly when the person tells you that he/she has to join other people’s table at a common social function

3. you keep asking how long this phase will last when the answer you get is it’s all in your mind

2. you keep offering something to the other person when that something is the only item this person is willing to talk to you about

1. you keep talking in this superior know-it-all kind of tone knowing it is the most annoying thing ever because this is the only way for you to keep your cool, and because in reality, you are kind of an annoying

virtual massager

a substitute yoga teacher suggested this meditation:

sit straight. close your eyes. imagine a sparkling small ball filled with light on your tailbone. see the ball rolling up the spine to your neck. see it rolling down the spine back to the tailbone. up the spine again.. few minutes of this..

how do you feel?

a streetcar named desire

i saw cate blanchett last night! i don’t think i have ever seen a better dramatic performance. i came to the theater with very high expectations, and i left completely esthetically fulfilled. she was unbelievable, and kept us all focused for the duration of the whole over 3hrs play.

the theater was also very architecturally interesting. i have never been in the harvey theater in brooklyn (part of bam) until yesterday. the audience was notable as well. some high society members taking a trip to brooklyn on their limos and car services, some faces that you look and can’t quite remember where you’ve seen them – was it in a magazine, was it on tv.. it seemed all the new york intelligence was there.

we went to a coffee house that was so similar to the no longer existing coffee house where we met. a very nice evening on a cold winter day.

moon

you close the door. it is dark and cold outside. the moon is huge, it is right above your street, so white, so large, so enigmatic. you feel like the moon is talking to you. you make a wish. you don’t even need to think of it, there is always just this one wish you have. you ask the moon to make your wish come true.

friends

you call me on the telephone. you start a little polite small talk. you ask me questions about my life before you ask me to help you with your homework. i call you on the telephone. i start a little polite small talk. i offer you my help with your homework before i ask you questions about your life.

box

i am knocking on the glass wall of my box. i am waving at you. i am screaming at you. you turned your back to me. i want you to look at me. i want you to listen to me. i want you to pay attention to me. i knock. i wave. i scream. the track comes, it picks me up in my glass box. it drives me for a while. it lets go of my box.

merged

your world used to be so perfectly divided. there was your current life with your family, your work projects, a few social pals, a nightly tv hour. there was your young life with boys and girls - soon to be senior citizens - who you used to call your friends. there were the one night stands, the unanswered loves, the cigarettes, the clubs, the books, the shots. you used to feel so at ease sharing events of your college life with people at work. you used to feel so relieved being able to tell the truth about your high schools relationships to a friend you met in your 30s. you used to feel so entertained making up stories of your romantic encounters for anyone who listened. you felt so secure separated from that life by years and continents. it was so until the social networking sites came in and merged it all together, bringing chaos into your daily life. suddenly, all these one night encounters materialize into faces for your significant other. suddenly, your late 30s friend befriends a friend of your early 20s. suddenly, you are not sure what you are going to see on your screen each evening. suddenly, you are having a panic attack every time you turn your computer on.
did you really think it through before you opened that facebook account?

exhibit

i open a glass jar. i remove all the stale particles that have been sitting in there for ages. i clean the jar with soap and water until the glass is crystal clear. i climb into the jar. i close the lid. look at me, point at me – i am an exhibit, i am unique.

discontinued

fuck. finally, few months back i found a replacement for my old lipstick that has been discontinued for quite some time. i used to order it from who knows where until it disappeared from the market forever. so, after a long search, i found another one that i loved. and, of course, i go to get the new one, only to find out that sephora has discontinued the brand. i can still buy it, but not at sephora. well, let me tell you, it will not be too long before the brand is dead, when sephora decides they are not making revenue on it. there is a pattern in my life – my beloved facial mask – discontinued, my favorite toothpaste – terminated, so are numerous mascaras, foundations, and various other cosmetic items. don’t get me started on the food. why do my favorite yogurts always have to go? i feel, every product i try and don’t like ends up on the shelves for years in full glory, and everything i like gets kicked out as soon as i feel comfortable with my new product. i obviously don’t have a taste for anything that can hold on the market. well, at least my new lipstick is coming, just extra $6 for shipping, it will be here soon.

regina spektor

the members of the orchestra have left the stage. the performing girl stopped playing her piano. she stopped playing her synthesizer. she stopped playing her guitar. she stopped playing piano with her left hand while hitting a chair with a drumstick with her right hand. she is just standing in the middle of the stage at the radio city, and singing. no musical instruments anymore, voice only. she sounds so much better in concert. this shy audience appreciative nicely weird girl somehow transformed this large commercial venue into something else – just a large dark room filled with a beautiful voice, and with happy people. it was a great concert. i was very impressed.

guilty?

how embarrassing do you find things that touch you, the things that make you sad, the things that occupy your mind? does a seasonal fever of your child concerns you more than a death of your friend’s husband? do you find yourself thinking more about a boy or a girl you like than about your parents’ unemployment? do you think more about a party you are going to throw than about your sibling’s coming graduation day? does a divorce story of a person you barely know touches your heart more than a risky surgery of your relative? do you spend a restless night worrying about your own not-so-hot test results or about the deadly diagnosis of your best friend? do you feel guilty? do you feel like a bad person – an uncaring relative, a selfish friend? do you feel self-centered? do you feel ignorant? can you change your thoughts? can you change your concerns? can you force yourself worry about what you think you should worry about? can you dictate your heart what to be moved by? do you feel comfortable with your thoughts and concerns?

showers

there are these special rituals in america called showers. there are two types of them – a bridal shower, and a baby shower. the concept of these rituals is such – everyone get gifts for a celebrated female, and place them in bags accompanied by cards. then the honorable bride or mother to be is required to open the presents in front of all attending invitees. she opens a first bag, reads a card to herself, thanks the appropriate gift-giving person, then proceeds opening the actual present. in the meantime, all the other respected females are there to judge the item purchaser by the selection she happened to make. then the next bag gets to be opened. repeat. you are considered a weirdo if you try sabotaging the ritual by asking of having your gift not to be opened publicly. whatever your reasons are – you are pretty much defeating the purpose of the gathering by this request. i was wondering if it is possible to alter the order of events without damaging your image too much. can you switch the card and the gift order and purpose? can you write a card suited for public read-aloud, and ask to have your gift to be opened privately instead? have you ever tried?

elephant poop

an elephant turned 180 degrees, he’s behind facing us. he performed a little dance, it was cute. then the enormous pieces of poop started dropping. one, the next, another one.. we are sitting in the circus watching the elephant poop. we are overwhelmed. the children go home and start playing elephant potty training games. i go home, and mention elephant poop in work emails. every day should be an elephant pooping day.

knot

your head feels heavy. the thoughts from today and from yesterday and from the day before and from the week ago and from the year ago all came together and made a tight knot in your brain. you can’t process the thoughts. you can’t think them. you just feel their heaviness, their pressure. you feel the alcohol presence around them. it was supposed to make them feel lighter but it did not. it just made you feel confused. you move the knot of thoughts to the back of your head to let the normal processes function, to let the things flow. you wake up late at night, and you feel the presence of the knot. it moved forward. it wants you to acknowledge it, it needs you to process it, it demands you to accept it. you fix your pillow. you pull up your blanket. you move from your right side to your left. you go back to sleep.

layers

you take a layer off. you do a circle, you send a few smiles. you give a few looks. another layer - off. another circle, more smiles, more looks, more faces, more eyes. layers, layers, more layers. endless layers to take off. is there anything else?

stalker

i am sorry. i have no purpose here. i have no advice. i have no right. we are not even close. i am not even your friend. i can’t get you off my mind. i don’t know why, i don’t know how. it just happened. i feel your fears, i feel your pain, i feel your helplessness. i feel your hope. i feel your happiness at the idea this hope brings. it only goes one way. i can’t send anything back. i can’t send my thoughts, i can’t send my optimism, i can’t send my confidence. i can’t send back this deep feeling of connection i have with you. still, it does not matter. this is not about it. this is not about me. this is not about my uselessness, my feebleness. this is about you. and you will be fine.

sci-fi

a rhinoceros, a giraffe, and a bear are sitting around a giant cactus discussing their breakfast plans. a spaceship flies by with great speed and lands in the fields. the aliens come out. the rhinoceros, the giraffe, and the bear put on camouflage, and sneak to the fields to spy on the spaceship. the war begins.

i feel every sci-fi show my husband watches is just like this.

rickshaw

chinese looking dude is our rickshaw driver. he says he is from kazakhstan, now residing in brooklyn. he will park his vehicle in manhattan before he goes home. he is still working. he does not get that many passengers, he is not spoiled, he wants to impress us. we are way too drunk in order to truly appreciate his efforts. i need to start watching my drinking, it seems. but the air breeze is nice. happily giggly feeling is nice. riding this human-operated transportation in the middle of manhattan late at night is nice. laughing and waving to city tourists is nice. summer is nice. having a friend who is as drunk, smart, witty, and clever as you are is very nice.

rules for crazy mothers

i hear a sound of a mosquito. i know there are must be few of them in our bedroom. i can’t turn the lights on and look for them because there is a baby asleep in our room. the baby is wearing a pajama, but the face is open and vulnerable. the thought of a mosquito biting my sleeping baby is unbearable. i remove my cover sheet. i lay there close to naked thinking there is a larger unprotected square footage on my body than on my baby’s body, therefore a higher chance of a mosquito landing on me. my husband tells me i am insane, and sprays himself with a bug spray.

here is a top 10 rules any crazy woman should establish upon having a child come to an existence:

10. everyone arriving to your house must wear slippers (provided by you), and wash their hands upon entering your living headquarters

9. everyone must sanitize their hands with one of strategically placed variety of hand sanitizers before touching or picking up your baby

8. you must change your child before feeding him despite loosing your mind from the sound of the hungry baby, because the child should not be wet while eating, and because you should not position your baby horizontally for quite sometime after feeding and burping

7. you need to take your baby for a walk every day at least once in between the feedings regardless of the weather or your energy level

6. you must exclusively breastfeed your baby every three hours alternating the breasts with each feeding because that is required for your milk production

5. you must not co-sleep with your baby even if that is the only way to keep her quiet because then you’d be stuck with a toddler in your bed later on

4. there should be no talking while you're breastfeeding because it distracts your baby from eating

3. you must burp your baby for 10 minutes after feedings

2. you have to reverse your stroller and drive it backwards ignoring strange looks by fellow pedestrians each time you get direct sunshine into the stroller that the canopy does not block

1. you need to make key copies for your close family members so they can walk in without disturbing you and your baby in case you are napping/feeding/changing

today

you are saying, you are going to take a different train. you are saying it is faster for you to get home this way. i sense, you don’t want to hang out with me. i sense, you don’t want to make friends with me. i sense, i annoy you. i sense, i bother you. i am overly talkative, i am overly loud, i am overly irritating.. i am overly sensitive. i am overly insecure. i am overly doubtful.. i am going to step aside. i will not attempt to hang out with you. i will not attempt to make friends with you. until today. today is a different day. today, i don’t care what train you want to take. today, i don’t care that i am that irritating, talkative, or loud. today, i don’t feel sensitive. today, i don’t feel insecure. today, i don’t feel doubtful. today, i will attempt to hang out with you. today, i will attempt to make friends with you. maybe for you or maybe for me.

rain

you are walking home in the pouring rain. your new black $4 chinese umbrella is half-way broken from the wind. your new black $300 italian stilettos are ruined. all you want is to get home, take all the wet clothes off, put on your pajamas, get a nice cup of hot chocolate, wrap yourself in a blanket, sit on a cozy big chair by the window, turn the lights off, and quietly relax there watching the rain from the inside. that’s all you want walking through giant puddles, damaging your shoes more and more, holding your broken umbrella against the wind. you get to your house, you open your door, you take off your clothes, you put on your pajamas, you turn on your laptop, you turn on your tv, you microwave your weight-watchers, you sit down on your couch, you start typing.

birthing

i attend birth classes. i have a birth plan. i have a pillow packed in my suitcase. i have a robe packed in my suitcase. i have multiple juice cartons packed in my suitcase. my suitcase is ready to go.

i am starting working from home. i sit down, i connect. i am ready to run my script. something does not feel right. my water breaks right there. oh shit. first, i get some paper towels in attempt to clean up the mess. the water keeps pouring. second, i pick up my phone and call my husband at work. i ask him to call me a car service, and communicate to them that the driver needs to come inside, and get my suitcase out. third, i send an instant message to my coworker telling him i can’t help his client today.

now i need to concentrate. i need to figure out how i can transport myself having nonstop pouring water. the doorbell rings. i press the button to open the front door. nobody comes in. i wait. i call the car service, i ask them to call the driver, and ask him to come inside. finally the confused driver shows up. i tell him, we are going to the hospital. i tell him, i have babies to deliver. i am walking with a towel between my legs.

we get to the car. my main concern is not to get the water on the seat. we start driving. it feels kind of hot. this is a middle of the summer. this is the hottest week so far. i ask the driver to make the air cooler. his conditioner is maxed out. he says it does not work that great. ok, change of plans. i will not be able to spend an hour in this car in my condition. we need to go back to the car service location and change cars. we get there. i sense that the driver is kind of relieved that he will not be the one driving the insane pregnant water dripping woman to the manhattan hospital.

i introduce myself to the next driver. we test the air in his car. it is a little better. i tell the driver we need to get to the hospital as fast as we can. i ask the driver to take the battery tunnel instead of the bridge. the driver suggests taking the bridge because it is free, and there should not be a big traffic at this hour. i reiterate to the driver that my water broke, and we are in a rush to get to the hospital. i reiterate to the driver that paying the toll is not an issue. the driver does not seem to agree, but takes the tunnel nevertheless. the driver keeps talking about how taking the bridge would have been a better choice.

we get to the hospital, my husband gets to the hospital. we proceed upstairs to deliver babies.

mug of love

it began as a regular unremarkable typical gloomy day. i was walking as usual, carrying my giant mug - the mug of love. all my love for you. and then i tripped. and all the love spilled out of the mug. and it was love everywhere. and all these people came out of nowhere with their little cups, and they started helping me to collect my lost love. and they gave me their little cups, full of love, and they left. and i did not know what to do. and i did not know how to feel.

bizarre evening

i decided to attend a pretty unusual event last night. as the evening progressed, it became apparent that everything leading to the event was also pretty odd.

here is the top 10 signs you are having a bizarre evening (listed in chronological order of personal experience):

10. you notice about 10 strollers parked in the lobby of the trendy restaurant of your choice.

9. at 6:30pm, after spending about 15 minutes deciding what to order, you double check your performance confirmation, to find out that the event is scheduled to start at 7pm and not at 8pm as you expected.

8. after the dramatic realization of your unfortunate circumstances, you are prepared to leave hungry and sad, and get a snack someplace else. you explain your situation to the waiter who acts very friendly and commits on serving you in the next 10 minutes.

7. the food is great, and you are able to eat it, and pay for it by 6:55pm.

6. you promptly arrive to the venue to observe that it is pretty much a black tie event.

5. the curtain raises and you are presented with about 40 people in chairs on stage who proceed giving each other various awards, and talking about things you have no clue about.

4. the awards ceremony takes about an hour. you are overwhelmed by the thoughts of uncertainty whether the awards ceremony is all you are going to see. you are overwhelmed by the thoughts of the length of the ceremony. you are overwhelmed by the thoughts of what could have happened have you eaten your dinner under the impression that the show begins at 8pm. you are overwhelmed by the thoughts of what you would presently feel have the waiter did not suggest serving you in the record speed.

3. the performance begins. the event you chose to see is the gala performance by the ballet students from 17 different countries who are selected by new york international ballet competition.

2. after the show you decide to go to the grocery store at the basement of the same building and spend about 30 minutes in there filling the shopping cart with various soy products.

1. on your way home, both of your trains show up right upon your arrival.

figurines

i think they should start selling jon and kate + 8 dolls at this point. a little smart-ass korean dude wearing sweatshirt and shorts, a bitchy short-haired blond female figurine, 8 little kid creatures - 6 very small and 2 slightly bigger, with all boys wearing same brown clothes, and all girls in different pink outfits. i tell you, these dolls will sell like crazy. i turned on my tv the other day, and larry king was there not talking about political figures or entertainment celebrities, no, larry king had few psychologists there with him discussing jon and kate marriage. i understand cheap magazines are doing it, but larry king? it’s insane. who is leading whom in this world?

at least now the media attention finally turned someplace else with michael jackson’s death. at least this event truly requires media coverage. he also honestly deserves all his life-size wax figures. poor poor michael jackson. “she says i am the one”..

winner

you never let yourself fail. you don’t accept defeat. you are not a loser. you are a winner, you are a fighter. you manage to find victories where others see no choice but to give up. it does not matter what you’re up against – a person, a system, nature, yourself. you’re going to win, just wait and see.

what will be your next challenge? what will be your next fight?

bad mother?

the crying of your baby terrifies you. it shows you - you are a bad mother, it shows you – you are an incompetent mother. there is nothing you can do to calm your baby down except feeding her. this is not the feeding time. your baby is crying, you are crying. when your baby cries at night, you despise yourself for wanting to sleep. you hate the fact that what you want the most is to get that baby quiet so you can rest. you don’t want the baby to sleep as much as you want to sleep yourself. you pick your baby up, and you walk with her nonstop for hours in the middle of the night because your mothering instinct tells you to do so. it does not calm the baby down. it does not calm you down. you are barely thinking, you are barely functioning. how did you end up not being prepared? how did you end up not being prepared for your incompetence, for your exhaustion? how did you end up not being prepared for thinking you are a bad mother?

fears

the world thinks you’re a bit crazy. the world thinks you’re smart. the world thinks you’re pragmatic. the world thinks you’re tough. you’re full of fears. you look inward – you’re scared. you look into future – you’re scared. your world has changed, you’re not used to it, you’re not sure how to handle it. you put your hand on your heart to listen to the beat. in your mind, you impatiently cross each day off your mental calendar when you go to bed. you count days forward, you count them in reverse. you get used to it. you get used to your fears. your fears don’t scare you as much anymore. you think you’re a bit crazy. you think you’re smart. you think you’re pragmatic. you think you’re tough. you think you can handle this. you think everything will be just fine.

phases

i envy artists. not only they are cool, not only they get to do what they like, not only they can explore their creativity, but they also able to define their life phases. you can take a brush and paint all in blue colors while you feel like it, and then, when your world is no longer blue, you throw that blue boring paint out, you reach for the pink one, you start your new work. how lucky are you? phases. periods. you get them too, right? how can you, untalented inartistic mediocre asshole, find ways to express your little insignificant life periods? can you do it in your client meetings? can you do it in your programming code? can you do it counting your company’s finances? how can you mark phases of your life?

friends at work

sometimes you make friends at your work. sometimes friends at your work make you feel ignorant. sometimes friends at your work make you feel clueless. sometimes friends at your work make you feel intimidating. sometimes friends at your work make you feel insecure. sometimes friends at your work make you feel annoying. sometimes friends at your work make you feel stubborn.

your friends at work just want to do a good job. you just want to do a good job. your friends at work just disagree with you on something work related. you just feel pressured, you just feel stressed. your friends at work just feel pressured, your friends at work just feel stressed.

will you remember your friends at work few years from now? will you remember your work few years from now? would you like your friends at work to remain your friends few years from now? would you like your work to remain your work few years from now? do you think your friends at work will be your friends few years from now? do you think your work will be your work few years from now?

routine

would you rather go out with your friends or with your mother when you are a kid? of course, you prefer your friends. your friends are cool, your friends are fun, you have so much in common. your mother has a lot in common with you as well, but the common ground there is your routine daily life. that is boring. then one day you find a girl or a boy you like, you start dating. that person is cool, that person is fun, you have so much in common. the next thing – the date becomes your boyfriend or girlfriend, the next thing – you live together, the next thing – you have your own family. would you rather go out with your friends or with your significant other when you’ve been together for a while?

bathroom

i bought a new potty for my kids and placed it in the bathroom. my daughter walked in and sat on it. knock-knock, who is there? - asked my son. it’s your sister on the potty. can i come in? - asked my son. sure, come on in. he walked in and sat on the step-stool. the kids started playing. knock-knock, who is there? – asked my husband home early off his work. we all are. can i come in? – asked my husband. sure, go ahead. he walked in, and sat on the lid of the toilet. they started reading books. knock-knock, who is there? – asked my mother visiting today..

that is our current life. bathroom is our family room, bathroom is our lounge room. we spend hours in there. we do everything in there. another potty (the same as the potty that both of the kids like) will be delivered to us next week. i am not sure where i will find room for it in there.

they build themselves a better bigger bathroom and all fit in there perfectly, - is an unlikely ending of this one.

we like potty training. how long does it take again?

spinning top toy

our kids have a spinning top toy. it broke a while ago, and would not spin. my husband tried fixing it, my father tried fixing it, my stepfather tried fixing it. the toy remained broken. my <3 year old son tried fixing it yesterday. he concentrated. he worked hard. he fixed the top toy.

wedding

my little cousin is getting married. my children are 1 month old. i am sleep deprived, i am very hormonal, i am breastfeeding exclusively. the children must be attached to my breasts every 3 hours. the feeding process alone takes about 40 minutes, followed by about 10 minutes of burping. the wedding location is about 2 hours drive. of course i am going to attend. my mother’s family is invited as well. we rent a hotel room 5 minutes drive from the wedding venue. we alternate. first, my mother goes to party. my first breastfeeding round begins. by the end of it, the ceremony is about to end. my stepfather drives my mom to the hotel room, he drives me and my husband to the venue. he drives himself back to help babysitting. we watch the end of the ceremony. the bride is beautiful, the dress is amazing. now is the time for everyone to take a break and to move to the dinning area. we socialize, we are getting entertained. by the time waiters ask for our dinner choice, we need to go back for the round two. we order for my mother, we attempt to explain this to the waiters. i am hungry as hell, my cortisol is high, my estrogen is high. my stepfather brings us some entries the waiters managed to pack for us. he drives back to the party. i stay to breastfeed. another hour passes by, we go back to celebrate. my mother goes back to the room. we get to eat some desert, we get to talk to the relatives, we get to dance a little. the celebration is ending. the music is ending. i call my mother that it’s over, they should pick us up, we should leave. my mother does not pick up her phone for 30 minutes. the phone is on the silent mode in her bag. now we can’t leave because we have to wait for the next feeding. we leave around 1am.

this was the first night my daughter slept 6 hours straight. my son slept 4, it was pretty good too. i am very happy i went to the wedding. i saw my cousin getting married, i got a fun story to remember and to tell, and i saw hope that my kids will sleep at night one day.

music class

hello everybody, we are so glad to see you.. on my left, there is a cylon model #2 from battlestar galactica and his cylon daughter. the next in the circle is robert barone from everybody loves raymond with his cheerful child, and his typical brooklynite wife. the next couple is joey tribbiani from friends, his nice friendly wife, and their two kids. then go the boy/girl twins accompanied by toystory’s buzz lightyear and shrek’s princess fiona parents. there is also the instructor – this plumpy little bold papa smurf character. these are some of our music class for babies companions. we attend this class every sunday. we sing what the teacher sings, we do what the teacher does. our kids like the music class.

mystery brownie

the brownie is sitting here making a fool out of me. don’t laugh at me, you stupid brownie.

the girl that cleans our house comes every other week. after her last visit, a brownie was found in a little package in the basement. we preserved it, we put it in the refrigerator. we assumed the girl forgot to eat it and left it there. yesterday she came to clean again. as she was leaving, i remembered about the brownie. i told her it’s in the refrigerator, and still must be good. the girl gave me a surprised suspicious look. she said she does not think she ever left a brownie. i told her to check it in the fridge. she did not take the brownie. it was not her brownie.

how did you get here, stupid brownie? who are you? why are you here?

matrix

i fell asleep watching the first matrix movie in a theater. the concept seemed way too sci-fi for me to comprehend. it feels so real to me now.

you are carrying purchased toilet paper from a local supermarket. you update your facebook status to 'waiting for american idol finale' using your telephone on your way home. you look forward to playing warcraft with your fellow avatar friends. you meet people every day. you enjoy the conversations, you have fun. you will never touch any of them. they are people, they exist, they are real. are you?

you think, you type. here you are, in your virtual reality. does it feel right? does it feel real? is it real? how far are you from letting your body just sit there feeding energy to the machine? does your mind feel happy? then you must be happy. mind is in control.

how far am i from getting older? how far am i from making fun of the new and modern? am i rejecting it? what am i presently doing?

kill a cat

dedicated to all the cats – dead, alive, barely alive, and on the way to meet their creator.

how much does it cost to kill a cat? a person generally gets a cat to have a cozy furry companion, and normally a person understands the responsibilities that go along with owning a pet. as a cat owner, you must feed your animal, you must provide it with a clean bathroom and the ease of going there. you must occasionally play with the cat or otherwise entertain it to keep the pet happy. you also must be willing to accept few inconveniences of owning a cat, such as scratched furniture, cat hair covered clothes, and occasional urination. eventually, the time comes when the animal is no longer a pleasant companion but pretty much a burden. the cat gets old, the cat gets sick, the cat gets ugly, the cat needs medical care. it’s not like you can open a door for your cat to join all the stray cats that hung out behind your backyard, part with it, and hope that it will remember all the good times you had. this is your freaking pet, you are responsible for it. can you go to a vet, show him your pitiful miserable creature, ask the vet to inject the animal with a lullaby drug, say your last prayers, and wish the cat the best in its next life? you wish, you could. the more humane the vet acts regarding your animal, the more video games he can buy for his kids. this pattern is not intentional, it just works out this way. the vet thinks he has to thoroughly examine your disintegrating animal and provide it with the best possible care. each exam is followed by a set of medications, followed by another exam. the vet does not think you have the right to give up on your pet. the vet does not think money should be an issue. the vet is treating your animal the same way a doctor is treating your family member, your friend. you treat your cat as your pet, as an animal you once chose to own for some reason. you know the cat’s place. you know its place in your life, you know its place in your heart. you are the one who defined it. you are not allowed to define it anymore. no, not on it’s death bed. you are allowed to pay the bills. you are allowed to wonder – how much does it cost to kill a cat.

reincarnation

do you believe in reincarnation? does a thought of taking part in an experiment ever cross your mind? do you feel belonging to a group of people that keep reincarnated constantly working on their karma? do you find it refreshing and entertaining? do you find it repetitive and exhausting? how do you like this alteration?

ukrainian girl

i am the last ukrainian girl in new york. i put my embroidered shirt on, i put my flowered wreath on, i put my red miniskirt on, i put my authentically threaded apron on, i put my red boots on. here i go. i am ready to embarrass myself. look at me. i am the last ukrainian girl in new york.

media

i prefer fiction to reality. i’d rather watch a movie than a news channel, i’d rather read a book than a newspaper. reality is idiotic. politics are complicated, boring, and sad. i don’t mind being ignorant and unaware. sometimes, the information slips in despite my deliberate mindlessness. occasionally, the information is interesting. most of the time, however, the information reassures me in my chosen ignorance. here is the top 10 list of news i recently overheard on major (repeat major) media sites and channels:

10. the price of the metrocard will be increased
9. some old and ugly british woman overwhelmed judges on a contest show in england with her incredible voice
8. a guy was meeting up women through craigslist and murdering them, and there is a concern now that craigslist is dangerous
7. egypt is killing all their pigs to protect the citizens from swine flu
6. many mothers don’t allow their children to go to dates, playdates, and prom nights in fear of swine flu
5. there is a swine flu epidemic in mexico
4. jon from jon and kate plus 8 reality show was caught running away from paparazzi with another woman
3. the likeliness of you to divorce is found proportional to the number of your not smiling childhood photographs
2. ashton kutcher got 1 million followers on twitter faster than cnn got them
1. economy is pretty bad at the moment