sleepless

i wake up again screaming and gagging. i can’t breath. i open my window to let the air in. i lit the cigarette to get the lungs moving. wait, scratch that, i don’t smoke. there is no way i can get back to sleep then. i got these remaining hours of the night to think my thoughts, to roll in my bed looking for your face in my mind.

costanzas

few years ago when i was physically working at the office, before all these babies were born, and before the best ever coworker-friend quit on us, we used to have these weekly department meetings. their purpose was to design a new data specification document. we called these meetings evenings with the costanzas. we would loudly talk all at once and passionately argue the design of all these stupid tables. we said we hated it but we kind of loved it. it was fun.

we also have costanzas in our own family. imagine 5 or us, cousins and sisters, setting up a dinner in the city. looks like pretty simple event, would not you think? think again. think harder. how many emails do you think can be collected just during the 1st day of planning? are we also going to a museum? to a movie maybe? to a broadway show? how about going shopping? some may fall asleep, some may get bored, some may get broke. the only thing we normally do together is eating at common family gatherings. we are the costanzas.

good bye

how many times have i said good bye to you? i can recall each one of them, and all the thoughts, reasons, and feelings for all of them. every good bye creates a feeling of hopeless painful sadness. each subsequent good bye makes this sadness a little bit lighter, a little bit flatter. how many more good byes will it take to remove the sadness completely? what will it leave me with?

i say my next good bye to you. how many chapters of my life will miss you? what will they include?


сколько раз я прощалась с тобой? я могу вспомнить каждый случай, и все мысли, причины и чувства каждого из них. каждое прощание порождает чувство безнадежной болезненной грусти. каждое следующее прощание делает это чувство слегка легче, слегка тупее. через сколько прощаний эта грусть исчезнет совсем? с чем это меня оставит?

я прощаюсь с тобой в очередной раз. сколько глав моей жизни пройдут без тебя? чем заполнятся эти главы?

attention

i crave your attention so badly. i feel my heartbeat speeding, i feel my blood vessels pumping.. i don’t think you notice it, i don’t think you suspect it. i hope you don’t. i act so cool around you, the only way you would notice it, is if you were giving me the attention i am craving. you would give me that attention, and you would immediately become just a bit above all these other ones. you would be just a bit above these losers craving my attention acting cool around me thinking i am too busy in my own world to notice them. i notice you, i just don’t pay attention.

reply

thank you for writing to me. thank you for thinking of me. thank you for your regrets. thank you for taking this step. thank you for thinking of being my friend. i think of you as my friend too. every time i think of my cute imported dolls, i think of yours. every time i think of my pretty cool little dresses, i think of yours. every time i think of my youth tricks, i think of yours. every time i think of my first kiss, i think of yours. every time i think of the childhood and the friendship i think of you. i will always think that.

clarity

the purpose of death seems to exist to remind us of the stupidity of living. we love people the most when we learn of their death. we feel certain clarity in the sorrow of mourning. it suddenly hits us, and we want to keep this clarity, this outlook - we want to love more, to express more, to spend time more, to be happy more. we want to give to the living. we want to be loved while we live. how long does this clarity last? do the moments of clarity increase with the increase of death experiences around us?

похоже, смерть существует для того, чтобы напоминать нам о глупости жизни. мы любим людей больше всего, когда мы узнаем о их смерти. мы ощущаем определенное озарение в печали траура. внезапно мы чувствуем это, и нам хочется держаться за это озарение, за эту перспективу – нам хочется любить больше, выражать себя больше, проводить времени больше, радоваться больше. нам хочется давать живущим. нам хочется быть любимыми пока мы живем. как долго длится это озарение? эти моменты озарения увеличиваются с увеличением опыта встречь со смертью вокруг нас?

leonard cohen

i love leonard cohen and seeing him in concert will be great. he is only doing one concert in ny in the tiny beacon theater. so i had to get whatever tickets were still available during the 1st hour of the sale event. that meant buying expensive tickets. well, not that expensive but, hey, i paid less to see madonna! he’s better not to disappoint us in our orchestra seats!

movie script

here it goes – kate winslet fell in love with leonardo dicaprio during titanic filming. she was very insecure and did not even try to get romantically involved with the guy. she was not stupid, she saw the movie, she saw how much fatter and older she looks compared to leo. plus he only dates supermodels. so she married her husband, who is older and not so good looking, but a very good film director, on a condition that he will film them together again. she proceeded working on her body and becoming a great actress while the husband worked on the script. finally they made a movie about how routine and boring love gets when it becomes a marriage, so she can tell leo publicly how she loves him.

should i copyright this?

headstand

they say it is good for you to do postures and movements you don’t normally do, to get the blood circulating to places it generally escapes. you stand on your head and you definitely feel that blood heavily rushing to your face – your ears, your forehead, your cheeks, you feel it rushing to your brain. you are supposed to breath and not to think of anything. can you avoid thinking thoughts that enter your inverted mind? would the curiosity of thinking an inverted thought supersede the intention of following instructions and concentrating on the breath? are you here to learn peace and balance or are you here to experience thoughts that come to your upside-down brain during a headstand?

secret

who is the person that loves you the most? who is the person that cares about you the most? who is the person you can depend on the most? who is the person you can trust to the most? who is the person you open up to the most?

do you have a secret? do you never talk about your secret at all? do you talk about it casually so no one suspects it to be your secret? why do you keep a secret? is it because you are afraid? is it because you are not sure? is it because you like the feeling of having a secret? is it because you don’t have a secret?

poetry

reading poems is not that easy. you have to adjust your own harmony to someone else’s rhythm, and it often disturbs you, at least at first. you are not sure if it’s your sense of rhythm that’s having problems or if the stuff you are reading is not that good. on the other hand, writing poems is so much fun. all you have to do is to sense when the moment is coming, tune to it, and just write what it is you think you feel. i’d even say that the sadder the poem turns out, the more fun it gets to write it. you will not be happy with the result of your writing if you think about the words, about the melody of the poem. just feel listen and write.. if you can.. while you can..

a round of applause goes to my talented husband who made a little site to show off my long forgotten poetries. you are welcome to check them out if you have the patience to walk through something that may look like a never-ending vacuum of depression. i posted the majority of my poems choosing the ones that i think are interesting, or just have a sentimental value for me. the link is http://laura.ericmeier.com/poetry/

fuck!

how many .... are you going to fuck? recently, palahniuk’s book came out about a porn star setting a record fucking 600 volunteers for some vague reason i am not going to get into. let’s say you are going for a much smaller number, but you’re setting a pretty strict filter on your fucking selection. most obscene actions people do generally aim to prove something fucked up to themselves or to others. what the fuck are you proving? what the fuck is your reason? do you specifically set this criteria or does your fucking criteria pull you in? i would fuck you in an instant if i had the balls. would i fit your fucking filter?

game

do you like living in imaginary world? do you have fun making characters of yourself and people around you? do you enjoy giving them qualities they don’t exhibit, taking away features they possess? do you know their real personalities? do you care? do you get confused between the characters you make and the real people upon interacting with them? what do you get from this shuffle? why do you play this game? is this a game?

imbalance?

do you think you can admire, respect, and love a person who can equally admire, respect, and love you back? do you think that in every relationship there is one who loves and another one who allows to be loved?

do you think that when you are the one who loves, you should accept the treatment from the one you love because you have no other choice? do you think that you can do something, maybe not right away, maybe in the future, that will make you be loved? do you think you will always love the one you love? who do you think you love more – the one you love, or yourself feeling this love?

do you think that when you are the one who allows to be loved, the one who loves you will dump you at the end? do you think you can ever learn to love the one who loves you, the way that you are loved? do you think you don’t deserve this love? do you think that you are the one who loves?


тебе кажется, что ты можешь восхищаться, уважать и любить человека, кто может одинаково восхищаться, уважать и любить тебя? тебе кажется, что в любом взаимоотношении есть один, кто любит, и другой, кто позволяет себя любить?

тебе кажется, что когда ты тот, кто любит, тебе стоит принять существующее обращение с собой от того, кого ты любишь, из-за отсутствия выбора? тебе кажется, что ты можешь сделать что-то, возможно не сразу, возможно в будущем, что сделает тебя любимым? тебе кажется, ты будешь всегда любить того, кого ты любишь? кого, тебе кажется, ты любишь больше – того, кого ты любишь, или себя, чувствующего эту любовь?

тебе кажется, что когда ты тот, кто позволяет себя любить, тот, кто любит тебя, в какой-то момент оставит тебя? тебе кажется, ты сможешь когда-то научиться любить того, кто любит тебя, так, как тебя любят? тебе кажется, ты не заслуживаешь эту любовь? тебе кажется, что ты, тот, кто любит?

remote connect

isn’t it interesting to receive a phone call or an email from someone you were just thinking about? isn’t it interesting to randomly think the same thoughts with a person you live with, or with someone half world away? isn’t it interesting to use the same words at the same time with someone describing totally different things? isn’t it interesting to instantly know what close to you people are thinking when you talk to them few times in a year at best? how does it make you feel? does it make you feel isolated? does it make you feel incredibly close?

i am so used to connecting remotely, that my physical manifestation throws everyone off balance. i am so used to connecting remotely that the time seems to exist as a completely irrelevant measure. i am so used to connecting remotely, i need the distance to connect.