park

you are running in a park. the weather is sunny and pleasant. nobody is there, just lots of pigeons and few homeless people. you are not sure how many laps you’ve ran. your legs don’t notice the movement anymore. the music is blasting in your ears from the headphones. the headphones are wet from your sweat. your underwear is wet from your sweat. you notice that. you realize you are uncomfortable. you stop running. you turn off your music. you hear birds, you hear wind, you hear leaves’ movement. you take a sit on a bench. you reach in your pocket. you pull a pen and a napkin out. you draw a snowman. you start laughing.

obsessive?

you accept your obsessive personality. you allow this to yourself because you know you’ve got no escape from it. it creeps you out, it repulses you, it messes with your head, it sickens your stomach, it palpitates your heart, it warms you, it excites you, it inspires you. you know all that, there is no surprise when it hits you. the surprise comes when it does not. how do you handle the obsessionless eternities? how do you cope with them? how do you explain them?

room

you sit on a wrinkled newspaper in the middle of an empty room. the walls are dirty white. you are hungry. the refrigerator is empty and does not work. there is a rotten tree outside the window. it’s raining. you put your forearms down. you look at our hands. you do a headstand.

beach

you lay on a beach. so hot, you are sweating. the sun is right above you, big and full like a ripe orange. there are lots of people around, in groups and in couples. you are alone. your magazine is open on a random page by your side. your body is lazy and heavy from the heat. you get up. you go swimming. you turn on your back. you close your eyes. you close your mouth. you stop breathing.

field

you stand in the middle of a field. you feel cold, you are shivering. you feel alone, but no, you are not sniveling. you want warmth, there is nothing to warm you. you want a hug, there is no one to hug you. you curl up, you lay down, you take a nap.

jews

i went to a concert yesterday. i don’t remember the last time i saw that many wise-looking people gathered in one place, especially wise-looking jews. there were quite a few of these, young and old, thin and fat, males and females, ugly and good looking, dressed to kill and dressed like homeless people. you know that jews like to be late, so it should not come as a surprise when a third of the venue is empty, and everyone already sitted has to get up to let people pass while the 75 year old greatest storyteller singer of the world is performing with his voice rested and at his best. it should not come up as a surprise that a female eastern european fan next to you smells like smoked fish. it should not come as a surprise seeing bohemian looking jews smoking cigarettes in the hallways with a look of profoundity stamped on their faces. it should not come as a surprise watching their proud feel of ownership of their high-value tickets. it should not come as a surprise witnessing their unwillingness to stand through the entire concert even for the performer they believe to be admiring and worshiping. none of it should come as a surprise, because these are the ashkenazi jews, and they are my people.

i loved the concert and here is a review i found this morning - http://www.google.com/hostednews/canadianpress/article/aleqm5j5-2c2ovs5kkersgzk1vqbdqnrtg

babushka

i’ve roommated quite a few people. i lived with my family, i lived with my friends, i lived with random roommates. there is no roommate like grandma. she is your family, but you can’t have conflicts with her like you do with your parents. she feeds you, she takes care of you, she makes you happy. she is your friend, but you can’t have arguments with her like you do with your friends. you talk with her, you laugh with her, you gossip with her. you are lucky if your grandma has a sense of humor. you are even luckier if she understands yours. here is the top 10 list of fun memories living with my grandma:

10. grandma occasionally receives cans of food from some jewish organization. we have a whole cabinet full of them, many are expired. our superintendent is rude and obnoxious. sometimes he comes up to fix things for us. grandma thanks him with cans of food. grandma says he is very happy and grateful to receive them.

9. grandma constantly states that she can’t bake because of the splitting headaches she gets from turning the oven on. i keep finding grandma running around with a rag tied around her head, in her tank top and shorts, with enlarged eyes and with all windows open, baking some sorts of pastries every time before any family birthday celebration.

8. grandma keeps watching late movies on cinemax channel. grandma says she did not know anything about sex before moving to america.

7. i go to work, and ask grandma to go to a supermarket and buy me some yogurts that i like. grandma cleans the container of a yogurt i finished in the morning and takes it to the store as her guideline. she takes it out of her bag and compares to other yogurts on the shelf. she does not find a match. she leaves. a security guard runs after her to the street. grandma does not understand what he says. he opens her bag. he locates the yogurt sample. he takes it out. he looks at the clean empty yogurt container, he looks at grandma, he turns around, he goes back to the store. grandma goes to another supermarket to look for yogurts for me.

6. someone gives grandma another nightgown as a birthday gift. grandma puts it in the under-bed storage and takes another nightgown out. she says it’s time to start wearing it. she says it was a gift from my mother about 20 years ago.

5. i take grandma to the newly opened supermarket. there are lots of parking spaces. i want to practice perpendicular parking. grandma asks if we can maybe just park in one of many empty spaces without other cars in sight. i keep trying to park the car between two cars. grandma patiently sits in the car and waits. i can’t fit in the spot. i can’t navigate around without hitting a parked car. i hit a car. people gather to watch. i keep hitting the car trying to get out of the spot. people start guiding me. grandma patiently sits in the car and waits. i move out of the spot and park in one of many empty spaces without other cars in sight. police arrives. they make a report. grandma patiently waits by the car. police leaves, we go shopping.

4. grandma carries home two 8-10lbs chunks of ham when she finds them on sale because she knows i like it.

3. grandma and i are moving into an apartment. grandma collected a bunch of tableware at local fleamarkets prior to my arrival to the country. i ask grandma to throw it all away so we can buy new stuff. grandma wants to keep hers. i go to the apartment and stay up all night cleaning. i wash all grandma’s tableware. i put it on the table. at 4 am the table leans and all the dishes fall on the floor and break. grandma says broken tableware is for good luck.

2. i invite my future husband to eat passover dinner grandma made. she puts a holodets (a jello-like stew of rooster’s combs and pig’s hooves) on his plate. he respectfully swallows it despite his fear and politely tells grandma it’s delicious. grandma immediately puts another piece on his plate.

1. grandma studies for her citizenship exam. grandma is very nervous. every day we practice questions from her questioner. every day i give her sentences to write. the big day comes. she walks in the room. she says "i love you, i love america" to her examiner. grandma gets her citizenship.

release

giving compliments used to be so difficult. it was almost as hard as admitting not knowing something. what is it, that lets you accept that not knowing will not lower your impression? what is it, that teaches you to make sincere compliments without feeling awkward, without being afraid to be looked down on? what is it, that imprints into you, that your image has to satisfy first yourself and only then maybe the ones you love and admire? what is it, that allows you to become yourself?

делать комплименты было так сложно. это было почти также тяжело, как признаваться в незнании чего-то. что это, что позволяет тебе принять для себя, что незнание не опустит впечатление о тебе? что это, что учит тебя делать искренние комплименты, не чувствуя при этом неудобства, без страха, что на тебя посмотрят сверху вниз? что это, что отпечатывает в тебя, что твой образ должен удовлетворить в первую очередь тебя, а потом уже возможно и тех, кого ты любишь и кем восхищаешься? что это, что дает тебе стать собой?

low expectations

my friend and i established a rule long time ago. the rule is to lower your expectations before watching a movie that you currently have high expectations of. this way your potential disappointment is diminished, and there is plenty of room to be pleasantly surprised. unfortunately (or not) this rule can’t be applied to many other things that you have high expectations of. will it do you any good to lower your expectations of a new book? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of art? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of friends? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of boyfriends and girlfriends? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of sex? will it do you any good to lower your expectations of yourself?

first date

i sent my picture to a guy i liked on the online singles site. he liked me too and now we are drinking coffee at a lower east side joint. he has a nicorette patch on, but i don’t know about that. he says my smoking is fine. so i keep it up. he seems weird a bit but i like it. i like his looks, i like his voice, i like his artsiness, i like that he used to be a figure skater. i hope he gives me a call tomorrow.

culture shock

you experience a culture shock to some degree upon moving to a new neighborhood, new city, new country. the culture shock is even bigger when the spoken language of your new place of living is new to you. the culture shock is even bigger when you try to consume products with labels in languages you don’t understand. this is the top 10 list of the experiences related to the culture shock and the food ingestion (or generally inner placement of products):

10. this is our second day in israel. we go to the local supermarket and fill the shopping card with goods that look attractive. the russian cashier asks us how long we are here during our checkout, and tells us that our one-time government aid will run out pretty soon if we keep up shopping for these selections.

9. my father orders fried eggs in italian restaurants because he does not like pasta and he is convinced they don’t have any other food that he would like.

8. i order coffee in the japanese restaurant upon my first time going to such an establishment.

7. my husband double checks his watch upon seeing the waiters bringing lamb to the table around midnight in a russian restaurant.

6. my friend and i go to the supermarket to buy champaign to celebrate new year with. we select a bottle and take it back to the kibbutz. we open the bottle at midnight, and drink it. it tastes remarkably like apple cider. later we find out, they don’t sell champaign in the supermarkets in israel.

5. my stepfather is escorted out of american consulate in israel because he is found to be smoking in the bathroom.

4. a young indian guy started at our department. he is not really exposed to other cultures. we order sushi for lunch one day. the indian guy seems to like it. the chinese guy suggests him to try the wasabi because he thinks the indian guy would like spicy stuff like that. the indian guy places the whole thing of wasabi in his mouth before any of us gets to say anything.

3. my husband and i are in rome. we decide to dine in a mom-and-pop shop. there is an old woman and an old man running, cooking, and waiting the place. we go in, we don’t understand the menu. an english-speaking customer near us suggests to ask for the chef’s selection. we are vegetarian, so we are afraid to do that. we ask for some entries, and for a mozzarella appetizer. they seem to be somewhat confused by the choice of the appetizer. the woman brings a mozzarella ball on a plate and puts it in front of me. i look at it and feel somewhat confused myself and ask for a tomato. the woman loudly tells something to her husband. he proceeds ramaging through the refrigerator right near the tables. he locates a large tomato and places it on my plate near the mozzarella.

2. the relatives fill the refrigerator for my friend’s family upon their arrival to israel. my friend goes to the kitchen to have a snack in the evening. he opens one container, it is some sort of a paste, smells good, like lemon, nice and fresh. he spreads this substance on a piece of bread and takes a bite. the bubbles start to come out – this turns out to be a dish soap.

1. my roommate in the kibbutz has a pain in her ear. the manager sends me to accompany her to the ear doctor in the nearby city. the doctor looks in her ear and gives us a box of objects that look like wax sticks. he instructs us what to do with them. we don’t fully get the instructions, but we understand they need to be inserted. we understand she has to do it before going to bed. we go back. my friend takes the wax candles and tries to insert them into her ear. it does not go in. me and our other roommate try helping out. the candle does not go in. we give up. later on we learn the proper placement of wax candles.

work stupidity

i am about to declare stupidity contest at work. the previous holder of the winning title was fired and the position is vacant. there are quite a few nominees. the race is tight.

here is the top 10 list of stupid things that happened on my current job throughout my employment:

10. a high level individual at the company tells my coworker he is not being productive. the coworker emails me the 100th question for the day asking why things don’t work for him. i don’t have access to see neither his data nor his processes. i tell him to check few basic settings. he replies with hurt feelings. he asks why do i mention basic settings like these. he tells me i make him not productive.

9. i am going to maternity leave. i am the only user of a one-person license to an expensive data modeling software. the software is actually registered under the name of my previous boss. i am in another department now. my new boss orders another license to give to my temp replacement in order to avoid communicating with my old boss.

8. a coworker feels she deserves to be promoted. she asks for the promotion but does not get it. she is frustrated and sad. she emails a memorandum to quite a lot of people that she will not do the part of her daily work that she believes should require manager’s title. she states that she will only do the basic work as her title suggests. she sends the cell phone number of her boss to everyone as a number to call in case they have any questions about our product. she gets fired the same day.

7. a coworkers emails the following text: “changes to the staging database seems as though it would greatly ease the burden of mapping to the new data model in certain areas like ‘terms’. maintaining the nomenclature of semesters as the application is moving towards terms appears counterproductive”. this is the 1st email i ever received from this coworker. i have a physical need to run to the bathroom upon receiving his emails ever since.

6. a crazy coworker who really struggles with basic english adds “corporate headquarters” title in her email signature because another coworker made a joke on her and told her to do it.

5. the same coworker starts laughing hysterically upon hearing that her other male coworker has a boyfriend even after she was explicitly explained the situation and the sexual orientation or this coworker.

4. i am pregnant. my stomach is too large to see the bag on the floor that my absentminded boss threw in the middle of the room. i trip over the bag and fall down. my foot hurts throughout the rest of my pregnancy.

3. i accidentally do not highlight the where clause of an update query and overwrite prod data for a whole table instead of one record.

2. my little daughter gets a hold of my keyboard and violently hits some keystrokes. the next day all the production jobs fail. i look into it and find out she moved a certain prod folder.

1. i ask a coworker for a spreadsheet with two columns – student code and file name relating to the student. the coworker sends back a blank spreadsheet with two title columns – student code and file name.

lonesome

would you deny yourself an experience because you don’t have anyone to share it with? do you think you are depressed if the answer is yes? do you think you are insecure and scared if the answer is yes? do you think you are extremely extrovert if the answer is yes? do you think you are very young and naive if the answer is yes? do you think you are lucky if the answer is yes?

don’t you think you must be depressed making a choice to stay home watching tv when you could be someplace else? don’t you think you must be scared when being on your own prevents you from an adventure in life? don’t you think you must be insecure if the looks people give to your lonesomeness mean more than the experiences themselves? don’t you think you must be extremely extrovert if having no audience for your emotions suppresses your need for them? don’t you think you must be young and naive thinking there will be plenty of others experiences in your life that you will be able to share? don’t you think you must be lucky being used to having people to share your experiences with all the time except this once?

charity

i don’t feel much empathy to strangers. i don’t get moved by pictures of starving children to the level that would make me want to sponsor a kid. i feel sad for the penguins having survival problems in south america but i don’t feel inclined to adopt one. i feel somewhat repulsed by the homeless people, so i would not want to donate food. in addition, my corruptive mind thinks that a big portion of all the charity work goes to the pockets of the rich. my philosophy about charity used to be helping out the people i know that i like. you are doing charity work as long as you are helping out to at least one person. help can be different, it can be financial help, it can also be a mental help of some kind. the only problem here – strangers accept your help. the people you know may feel intimidated by your help. it could be harder for you to help the people you want to help. should that intimidate you?

snow

it was so fun watching the kids intensively shoveling snow yesterday. it reminded me how i used to do the same activity, how exiting it was.

i am a very honest child. i don’t believe good people tell lies. i don’t believe anyone i know tells lies. i don’t believe i know bad people. i go to kindergarten. there is a boy there. his napping bed is next to mine. he tells me he has special powers. he tells me he will make my building go on fire. he tells me he will burn my parents. he tells me this every day. i cry every day. i believe he can do all this. he comes over on weekends, we get shovels and we shovel the snow. we like it. the next day it’s naptime back in the kindergarden. he tells me he will make my building go on fire. he tells me he will burn my parents. i cry. i believe he can do all this.

undefined emotion

can some strange undefined emotion take over other feelings including sex? does it scare you? does it shakes the confidence in your sexuality? does it remind you of pitiful phrases like sex is not the most important thing, or that sex is overrated, - phrases, that make you believe that a person is not very sexual or has not discovered sexuality yet? what if you are extremely sexual, really love having sex, consider it very important, and at the same time have this other emotion at times overpowering not only sex, but all your other feelings and values? what if this emotion directed towards individuals you feel no sexual attraction to? what can this emotion be?

может ли какая-то странная неопределенная емоция брать верх над другими чувствами, включая секс? она тебя пугает? она колеблет уверенность в твоей сексуальности? это напоминает тебе жалкие фразы наподобие того, что секс не является самым важным, или, что секс слишком преувеличивают, - фразы, которые показывают тебе, что человек не особо сексуален, или еще не обнаружил свою сексуальность? что если ты чрезвычайно сексуален, получаешь большое удовольствие от секса, считаешь его очень важным, и, в тоже самое время испытываешь эту другую емоцию, периодически преобладающую не только над сексом, но и над всеми другими твоими чувствами и ценностями? что если эта емоция направлена по отношению к людям, к которым ты не чувствуешь сексуальной тяги? чем может быть эта эмоция?

essay about business

each business starts with some asshole having what he thinks is a clever idea, and his desire to get rich. the more successful the idea turns out, the bigger the business becomes. the bigger the business becomes, the greater is the amount of working assholes the original asshole needs to support. they want to get rich but know they can not. they want to take as much as they can from their boss – the original asshole. they want to make him poor. this is the definition of business.


vicky cristina barcelona – added to my all time favorites list, the narration and music are priceless.