bad mother?

the crying of your baby terrifies you. it shows you - you are a bad mother, it shows you – you are an incompetent mother. there is nothing you can do to calm your baby down except feeding her. this is not the feeding time. your baby is crying, you are crying. when your baby cries at night, you despise yourself for wanting to sleep. you hate the fact that what you want the most is to get that baby quiet so you can rest. you don’t want the baby to sleep as much as you want to sleep yourself. you pick your baby up, and you walk with her nonstop for hours in the middle of the night because your mothering instinct tells you to do so. it does not calm the baby down. it does not calm you down. you are barely thinking, you are barely functioning. how did you end up not being prepared? how did you end up not being prepared for your incompetence, for your exhaustion? how did you end up not being prepared for thinking you are a bad mother?