i was 7. i wanted to stop going to the stupid kindergarten, and start going to school where i didn’t have to stay the whole day, didn’t have to nap, where i got treated like a real soviet youngster, for as long as i could remember. and the day came, my first day of school. i went to school and then i came home and i realized for the 1st time in my life that my goal has been accomplished. i don’t have this goal anymore. i am going to school. i never thought the day would come but it is here. what can be my next goal? i’ll be going to school for 10 more years. it seems so long. but wait, did not the time waiting for going to school seemed so long. but the time passed, the millions of moments passed, and the present is now. i am older. i am going to school. then the other millions of moments will pass and i will go to college, then to work, then retire, and then i’ll be as old as my greatgrandma basia. i realized that so vividly, i was crying for a very long time (and i wasn’t the crying type).
i am scared of the passing moment ever since. i think i always feel it. and i always remember the way i felt it that day.
this feeling becomes especially strong in relation to the babies (who are no longer babies). i feel each moment of their existence. despite of their cries, their difficult behavior, even when it gets me, i still always feel sad to part with the moment because it passes so painfully fast. and then there are many moments when i realize how much older they got, and i feel proud, and at the same time so sad..
somehow enjoying the current moment and feeling sorry that it’s going are not really the same things.
3 comments:
I totally agree with your last sentence. I'm going to share what I wrote in everyone's high school year book:
Yesterday is history
Tomorrow is a mystery
and Today is a gift
That's why they call it the PRESENT
Have you ever had that expirience where you're doing something, and it suddenly occurs to you that in the future, this moment will be a memory, and you think about yourself in the future, thinking back to this moment.
That's what I thought about when I read this post. How in the end, everything just amounts to a memory, everything that happens now will in a few seconds be The Past. That doesn't mean we can't enjoy and be happy in the moment, but for me at least, the things that make me the happiest are also the things that make me the saddest, because those are the things that will be most palpatable when they are gone. They will be just memories. Therefore, every moment of value comes with a side that is happy and a side that is sad, and there is no way to escape it. The only thing you could do is except that experience...that there is pain in beauty, and beauty in pain, and that every moment lasts only that long.
it often occurs to me that i'd be thinking about present moment in the future, it sometimes occurs to me that the present moment happend in the past. "the things that make me the happiest are also the things that make me the saddest, because those are the things that will be most palpatable" is often very true.
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