mystery brownie

the brownie is sitting here making a fool out of me. don’t laugh at me, you stupid brownie.

the girl that cleans our house comes every other week. after her last visit, a brownie was found in a little package in the basement. we preserved it, we put it in the refrigerator. we assumed the girl forgot to eat it and left it there. yesterday she came to clean again. as she was leaving, i remembered about the brownie. i told her it’s in the refrigerator, and still must be good. the girl gave me a surprised suspicious look. she said she does not think she ever left a brownie. i told her to check it in the fridge. she did not take the brownie. it was not her brownie.

how did you get here, stupid brownie? who are you? why are you here?

matrix

i fell asleep watching the first matrix movie in a theater. the concept seemed way too sci-fi for me to comprehend. it feels so real to me now.

you are carrying purchased toilet paper from a local supermarket. you update your facebook status to 'waiting for american idol finale' using your telephone on your way home. you look forward to playing warcraft with your fellow avatar friends. you meet people every day. you enjoy the conversations, you have fun. you will never touch any of them. they are people, they exist, they are real. are you?

you think, you type. here you are, in your virtual reality. does it feel right? does it feel real? is it real? how far are you from letting your body just sit there feeding energy to the machine? does your mind feel happy? then you must be happy. mind is in control.

how far am i from getting older? how far am i from making fun of the new and modern? am i rejecting it? what am i presently doing?

kill a cat

dedicated to all the cats – dead, alive, barely alive, and on the way to meet their creator.

how much does it cost to kill a cat? a person generally gets a cat to have a cozy furry companion, and normally a person understands the responsibilities that go along with owning a pet. as a cat owner, you must feed your animal, you must provide it with a clean bathroom and the ease of going there. you must occasionally play with the cat or otherwise entertain it to keep the pet happy. you also must be willing to accept few inconveniences of owning a cat, such as scratched furniture, cat hair covered clothes, and occasional urination. eventually, the time comes when the animal is no longer a pleasant companion but pretty much a burden. the cat gets old, the cat gets sick, the cat gets ugly, the cat needs medical care. it’s not like you can open a door for your cat to join all the stray cats that hung out behind your backyard, part with it, and hope that it will remember all the good times you had. this is your freaking pet, you are responsible for it. can you go to a vet, show him your pitiful miserable creature, ask the vet to inject the animal with a lullaby drug, say your last prayers, and wish the cat the best in its next life? you wish, you could. the more humane the vet acts regarding your animal, the more video games he can buy for his kids. this pattern is not intentional, it just works out this way. the vet thinks he has to thoroughly examine your disintegrating animal and provide it with the best possible care. each exam is followed by a set of medications, followed by another exam. the vet does not think you have the right to give up on your pet. the vet does not think money should be an issue. the vet is treating your animal the same way a doctor is treating your family member, your friend. you treat your cat as your pet, as an animal you once chose to own for some reason. you know the cat’s place. you know its place in your life, you know its place in your heart. you are the one who defined it. you are not allowed to define it anymore. no, not on it’s death bed. you are allowed to pay the bills. you are allowed to wonder – how much does it cost to kill a cat.

reincarnation

do you believe in reincarnation? does a thought of taking part in an experiment ever cross your mind? do you feel belonging to a group of people that keep reincarnated constantly working on their karma? do you find it refreshing and entertaining? do you find it repetitive and exhausting? how do you like this alteration?

ukrainian girl

i am the last ukrainian girl in new york. i put my embroidered shirt on, i put my flowered wreath on, i put my red miniskirt on, i put my authentically threaded apron on, i put my red boots on. here i go. i am ready to embarrass myself. look at me. i am the last ukrainian girl in new york.

media

i prefer fiction to reality. i’d rather watch a movie than a news channel, i’d rather read a book than a newspaper. reality is idiotic. politics are complicated, boring, and sad. i don’t mind being ignorant and unaware. sometimes, the information slips in despite my deliberate mindlessness. occasionally, the information is interesting. most of the time, however, the information reassures me in my chosen ignorance. here is the top 10 list of news i recently overheard on major (repeat major) media sites and channels:

10. the price of the metrocard will be increased
9. some old and ugly british woman overwhelmed judges on a contest show in england with her incredible voice
8. a guy was meeting up women through craigslist and murdering them, and there is a concern now that craigslist is dangerous
7. egypt is killing all their pigs to protect the citizens from swine flu
6. many mothers don’t allow their children to go to dates, playdates, and prom nights in fear of swine flu
5. there is a swine flu epidemic in mexico
4. jon from jon and kate plus 8 reality show was caught running away from paparazzi with another woman
3. the likeliness of you to divorce is found proportional to the number of your not smiling childhood photographs
2. ashton kutcher got 1 million followers on twitter faster than cnn got them
1. economy is pretty bad at the moment

audience

how often do you feel incompetent? how often do you feel helpless? how often do you feel vulnerable? how often do you feel incompetent, helpless, and vulnerable knowing that your audience envisions you as strong, confident, and sure? do you hide your feelings, do you suppress them in order not to disappoint your audience? do you hide them out of fear that your audience would like you less? do you hide them out of fear that your audience would like themselves less seeing you this way? do you never feel incompetent, helpless, and vulnerable? who is your audience?

ues

it started on a bus. i looked around. the only people i saw were these intelligent looking, pretty and handsome guys and girls. the bus stopped in front of a museum. i looked around. the only people i saw inside were these even more intelligent looking, more pretty, more handsome guys and girls. they were young. some spoke with accents, some spoke in foreign languages. we walked to a vegan restaurant nearby. i looked around. it seemed we were following the pretty, the handsome, the intelligent, the young. or maybe they were following us? next time i want pretty, i want handsome, i want young, i want intelligent – look for me there.

love story

at first i loved you. i could not be apart from you, i could not think of anything but you. i could not live without being with you. then i could not love you anymore. i loved the memories of you. i loved everything you ever said, every look you ever looked. i could not live without remembering you. then there were no more memories left. i could not love them anymore. i created your image and i loved that. i imagined your appearance, i imagined your life, i imagined your thoughts. i could not live without imagining you. then i could not imagine anymore. i just needed to love you. i could not love you. i could live.