cookies

you are standing in your kitchen eating little chocolate chip cookies you like. you feel your cheeks getting wider and wider, plumper and plumper. you feel your stomach getting bigger and bigger, fatter and fatter. you can’t stop stuffing yourself. you throw the empty cookie box out. you take an onion out of the refrigerator. you take a bite.

pause

having children helps social life so much. first of all, the kids bring you to some circles you would have never visit otherwise. then they are the subject you can always talk about. any awkward situation, any long pause – just mention something your child has done today. there must have been something funny or worth talking about. and you don’t have to think much, it is always on your mind. the conversation just naturally flows. if you are young, and have problems holding conversations, just get yourself a child. your life will be so easy. but until you do, what can you talk about? you can try talking about your parents, but god knows, there is nothing funny or worth mentioning in that department. and it’s never on your mind. so what do you talk about when the pause arrives? do you have a special topic for this case? do you hold the pause?

turnarounds

can you be an abusive controlling tyrant and a quiet obedient follower at the same time? can your love and support instantly turn into spite and hate? can your dominance instantly turn into submission? can your happiness instantly turn into depression? can your deep interest instantly turn into complete indifference? does anything need to happen to cause it?

fanatism

milady de winter is finally captured by the lord of buckingham and locked in prison. religious fanatic by the name of john felton is placed to watch her. as sexy and charismatic as milady is, she manages to seduce the guard who proceeds to abandon his divine fanatism and murder the duke. this was my first acquaintance with the word fanatic. falling madly in love to carry out a murder, and being hanged for it sounded much more superior than the narrow-minded fanatism. yet, felton’s fanatic personality could have contributed to his blind devotion to milady.

the management of my company sent out an email asking us “to be fanatical in your pursuit towards delighting our customers”. i was thinking about adding an email footer using one of the fanatism descriptions from the dictionary, but maybe i should present them with a copy of the three musketeers?

russian mentality

it’s no wonder, america is such a happy country compared to russia. first of all, the antidepressants - russia does not have the drugs available. but it does not matter – find me a russian who is willing to consume the pill. popular russian opinion of these medication is that they cause brain malfunction. who needs that when you can have the bottle! everything is set to prepare a russian child to a great deal of life disappointments ahead starting with the moment a kid is born. take a look at the children stories. poor cats are forced to the street when their house is set on fire, and no one is offering a shelter. the spider’s torture of a fly is described in a great details as well as his final beheading by the mosquito. the wolf undergoes a special voice alteration operation, so he can sound like the mama-goat, the baby-goats open the door and get eaten. the compassionate bunny welcomes a fox to his house who threatens him, and makes him to leave. but all of this can be topped off by the cartoon about a penguin who gets drowned protecting his egg, that someone replaces with a stone. i just love these children stories, do you?

trust

i am very cautious with trust. being careful with it is a part of my profession. i get to decide who gets the full access and therefore the full trust, versus limited access and the level of it. there is an elaborate complex database of thoughts in my head. my impression of it is even more involved than what it really is, given my delusions of grandeur. nobody gets the full access to this data. you may be honored enough to have some modify permission that allow you to influence changing of my mind. read access is the most complicated here. it has to be partitioned by the type of data domains, by the categories of thoughts, by my willingness to share. you need to work hard to get the access, some try bribing me, sometimes it works. do not mess up this database, do not read the data out too loudly, someone may hear and corrupt it.

interaction

you don’t mind being weird. you are fine to be considered odd and maybe somewhat eccentric. it does not bother you, quite the opposite. it proves to you, you are not a sheep. all is fine until there is an interaction involved; interaction with someone else who does not necessarily want to be considered that different. it is possible, but you don’t know it. it bothers you to cause a discomfort to this person by association with you. it bothers you to be your real self around this person because your action towards your new object of affection may cause others to change their views of this person. you mutate your real self.

jealous?

are you jealous, my dear? has this finally happened to you? did this popular human sense lastly found a way to register an emotion in your heart? was all i had to do was to like somebody else? did i need to like somebody else more than i ever liked you? are you now ultimately ready to accept my love? will you let me love you? really? i am sorry, it is my alarm, i need to wake up. maybe in another dream.

whining

one form of behavior that annoys the hell out of me is whining. i am trying to remember, and i don’t think it used to bother me. i did not have that much of what you wanted for yourself. it is not the case anymore. everything you whine about, i suspect you think i have it. it makes me uncomfortable. i want you to have everything you want, i think you should have everything you want. i have sympathy for you. i have a lot of it. would you like some? that’s all i will offer. stop your whining, because my sympathy annoys the hell out of you.

attachments

my son periodically develops mental attachments to certain objects. the first one was plastic boy we named ernie. ernie was in my son’s hand 24 hours each day. we could not believe the strength of his hand. then he would chose random plastic toys and animals to carry around and take to bed with him. he does not like soft toys. he hates blankets. once he chose the rhinoceros to make him company at night, and woke up with few scratches from it’s nose. but nothing too bad. the latest object of his affection is the wooden pot. he takes it to walks, he takes it to the crib, he carries it around making soup at all times. will see what it will be next.

fuck you

i wasn’t born with the fuck you attitude. there is a difference between choosing not to adopt everyone else definition of appropriate behavior versus actually giving them the finger. i was a teenager, when i desperately needed something and had my friend get it for me despite her own disliking. then she told me that when i really wanted something, i was going to do whatever it takes to get it, i was going to hurt other people’s feelings, shit on them, and nothing could ever stop me from getting what i wanted. she told me this was who i was, she told me she was my true friend, she told me she loved me, she told me i had to know this about myself. i was surprised to hear that. it was true about that isolated incident, but i was certain it did not apply to everything i really wanted. but i liked the way it sounded. i decided to adopt the fuck you attitude. hey, everyone’s for themselves, if you don’t want to be pushed, stand up to me, if not, fuck you. yes, there are so many nice people, beautiful people, weak people, gentle people, thoughtful people, polite people, pretty people, soft people. i like you, i sympathize you, i’m entertained by you, i wish you well. i just hope you will not be in the way of what i desperately want.

black and white

there are lots of colors about lots of things, but certain matters simply come in black and white. it is very hard to get on the list of people that are interesting to me. it is probably even harder than you think, and i know you think it isn’t easy. but once you get on that list, you can feel safe, you can be proud. you can be proud of your very limited company in there. you can feel safe because you can be sure i will not sell you out. that’s the way it works. black and white. you know you are there, when you are on this list, but if you are there, you don’t really care.

work goals

every year we need to submit annual goals at my job. hr feels it increases productivity and moral. everyone else feels it decreases both. this year again, we received instruction to come up with at least two goals that reduce implementation or support time. what have we been doing so far? i think at this point most of us are busy creating this robot tool that is suppose to reduce everyone’s time. so far it’s consuming everyone’s time. eventually this robot thingy will need more time from everyone to configure and support than the time it takes to avoid the tool altogether. and that is the good thing, because otherwise it would make us be out of job. yes, this seems to be the goal hr has. it makes perfect sense – all departments fulfill the goals that reduce time --> given the goals work, there is less time needed to do the job --> less people needed to do the job --> less people at the company = less work for hr. i wonder if they realize their brilliance. there is one glitch though, less people at the company should require less people at hr too. they better hope we don’t come up with real good goals.

doubts

are you sure you want to marry this person? are you sure you should move to this totally new unfamiliar place? are you sure you are ready for children? are you sure this is what you prefer to study?

i look at the weather.com, i am not sure my kids are not going to overheat outside. i stare at my update query, i am not sure i wrote it correctly. i feel unsure. i feel nervous. i feel pathetic.

night

you lay on a bed with your eyes open. you feel it is very late but you think others would call it very early. it is cold and dark. you feel troubled anxiety in your chest and you don’t know why. you put pants and a coat on. you go outside. you climb a tree. you look at stars.

inadequate behavior

are you a person who talks? are you a person who writes? are you an artist? are you not a talker, not a writer, not an artist? can you ever be content with yourself? can your actions, behavior, articulation, writing, creations ever satisfy you? do you go over the events of your stupid day despising your dullness, your inadequate behavior, blaming yourself for not finding right words at right moments, for appearing uneducated, unfit, ignorant, and humorless? do you replay it all in your head switching everything, making yourself what you want you to be? do you promise yourself to start fresh, to use the image from your replay, and dig from it when you need to? do you keep failing?

talk?

why do people talk to you? do they talk to you because they like you? do they talk to you because they find you interesting? do they talk to you to get you to like them? do they talk to you to get something out of you? do they talk to you to remind you of their existence? do they talk to you to get you to pay attention to them? do people talk to you?

why do you talk to people? do you talk to them because you like them? do you talk to them because you find them interesting? do you talk to them to get them to like you? do you talk to them to get something out of them? do you talk to them to remind them of your existence? do you talk to them to get them to pay attention to you? do you talk to people?

unique?

does it seem you are wasting your life? do you sense abilities inside that have no paths to be utilized? do you suspect having undiscovered talents you can’t release? do you notice grand ideas in your head you can’t formulate? do you feel unique? do you feel special? who do you compare yourself to? how far are you willing to go in designing your unique shell to escape blending in with the masses? will it fit?

miracle!

can you stare at your data intensely enough to hypnotize and transform it by your wish?
there has been a miracle of miracles! it started boring enough with our query results not matching the application’s screen. at first i was clueless, and then i remembered a hidden data holder i should check, and low and behold, the results out of there were about 90% matching. but still not 100. i was looking here, i was looking there, thinking of other factors that could influence the results, i saw nothing. i don’t like seeing nothing, it upsets me. i re-ran the application report again for the 3rd time. the data i saw on the screen was exactly the data my query returned! should i be concerned?