fat?

yes, my goal is to make you as uncomfortable as possible..

i am a fat girl. i can’t go to the ballet classes, i can’t go to the ballroom classes, i am too fat and too clumsy for that. i need to go to the folk dance classes so i can loose some weight and to be more graceful. “you are not fat, you are normal” – that means you are not too fat to me.

i developed this thin waistline when i was around 12. my upper body was great, even i knew that, and i had compliments. but the hatred for my legs superseded the likeness of my waist.

i used to wrap my legs in cellophane and run (that little idiotic jog was not running) because that was supposed to thin out the legs from the oxygen decrease. i put my legs together and looked down to check the amount of holes between the hips and the knees after each run. there were never any, just one big lump of fat. the more hate i developed towards my fatness, the more careless i got, and the more i ate, and the more i hated all that. i would try all kinds of diets, and of course the more i would starve myself, the more i wanted to eat later.

i was eating fatty foods because it was the cheapest, and because i did not have any nutritional education or desire to have one. come on, with the level of smoking i had, who cared about health. with the level of arrogance i had – who cared about weight, eat=fat, don’t eat=less fat, but still fat because of my fatty build

and then i was lying (not talking about that right now), stressing over every piece of lie i had to believe, and i was loosing weight. i needed suits, i needed skirts (what? me - skirts!!) and i looked in the mirrors in my new size 10 skirts and pantyhoses (what?!) and it was not me i was looking at. that was freaky. and then someone at work referred to me as the skinny girl. what was that again? me – skinny, that’s impossible, i wear size 10, but wait, it does look somewhat big, i am size 8 now. then more people called me skinny, and i got to size 6.

these people can’t tell i lost weight (that implies that the fat person became less fat) because they don’t know me from before. they just know me as who i look like now. and i want to be that.