rules for crazy mothers

i hear a sound of a mosquito. i know there are must be few of them in our bedroom. i can’t turn the lights on and look for them because there is a baby asleep in our room. the baby is wearing a pajama, but the face is open and vulnerable. the thought of a mosquito biting my sleeping baby is unbearable. i remove my cover sheet. i lay there close to naked thinking there is a larger unprotected square footage on my body than on my baby’s body, therefore a higher chance of a mosquito landing on me. my husband tells me i am insane, and sprays himself with a bug spray.

here is a top 10 rules any crazy woman should establish upon having a child come to an existence:

10. everyone arriving to your house must wear slippers (provided by you), and wash their hands upon entering your living headquarters

9. everyone must sanitize their hands with one of strategically placed variety of hand sanitizers before touching or picking up your baby

8. you must change your child before feeding him despite loosing your mind from the sound of the hungry baby, because the child should not be wet while eating, and because you should not position your baby horizontally for quite sometime after feeding and burping

7. you need to take your baby for a walk every day at least once in between the feedings regardless of the weather or your energy level

6. you must exclusively breastfeed your baby every three hours alternating the breasts with each feeding because that is required for your milk production

5. you must not co-sleep with your baby even if that is the only way to keep her quiet because then you’d be stuck with a toddler in your bed later on

4. there should be no talking while you're breastfeeding because it distracts your baby from eating

3. you must burp your baby for 10 minutes after feedings

2. you have to reverse your stroller and drive it backwards ignoring strange looks by fellow pedestrians each time you get direct sunshine into the stroller that the canopy does not block

1. you need to make key copies for your close family members so they can walk in without disturbing you and your baby in case you are napping/feeding/changing