new year

happy new year! are you going to celebrate that this year you’re going to get one year older? are you going to celebrate that this past year you got accustomed to hate, love, be tired of, appreciate a lot, and whatever other adjectives you got for it, is going to be over? are you going to celebrate that the next year will be different? are you going to celebrate that the change of a digit in the wall calendar you stare at every day, is going to bring something new to your life? are you going to celebrate new year?

every year around this time i nostalgically remember the childhood. i wish i could celebrate 1980 again. i hope i can introduce a sense of winter holidays magic to my kids. i hope we can feel this magic together.


с новым годом! ты будешь праздновать, что в следующем году ты станешь на год старше? ты будешь праздновать, что этот прошедший год, который ты свыкся ненавидеть, любить, чувствовать усталость, ценить, и какие другие прилагательные ты можешь добавить, наконец-то закончится? ты будешь праздновать, что следующий год будет другим? ты будешь праздновать, что смена цифры на стенном календаре, на который ты глазеешь каждый день, принесет что-то новое в твою жизнь? ты будешь праздновать новый год?

каждый год примерно в это время я ностальгически вспоминаю детство. мне хотелось бы праздновать 1980 опять. я надеюсь, что я смогу преподнести чувство чуда зимних праздников своми детям. я надеюсь, мы сможем чувствовать вместе это чудо.

cats, dogs, birds, family, and death

the grandma does not see well, the grandma does not hear well. the grandma carries a magnifying glass, wears a hearing aid and a microphone-type of a device around her neck. still, she does not see much, and what grandma hears, is usually not what people say. grandma does her best, and tries to have as much fun as she can. grandma plays cards for pennies, grandma runs around in shopping malls on wheelchairs, grandma flirts with her doctors. grandma’s lovebird died accidentally. everyone believed that bird was her reincarnated husband. the bird told her what to wear, the bird told her what to do, the bird told her where to go. grandma got another lovebird. grandma can’t find her bird one evening. she looks everywhere, the bird can’t be found. she calls her daughter. daughter comes and finds the bird in the freezer. grandma closes her drawer on another evening, and the bird’s foot gets caught in it. the bird looses the toe. grandma, her daughter, the bird, and the bird’s toe rush to the hospital. the doctors attach the toe to the bird’s foot. the bird ends up in the freezer again, the bird ends up locked in cabinets. the bird dies. grandma really wants another bird but she says she does not deserve one.

the dog wears a festive holiday shirt for christmas. the dog is over 15 years old. the dog does not hear well, the dog does not see well, the dog used to be depressed. the dog is not depressed anymore. no, it was not the antidepressants that cured the dog, the medicine did not work that well, and it was causing side effects. the miracle happened! the cat that used to live with the dog died. my mother in law, who is the cat/dog owner, took in one of the cats of her son’s. he had 6 cats, and was having difficulties taking care of them all. then this cat needed a friend, so the mother in law, who works at the animal clinic, brought home a kitten with a dislocated jaw. the kitten was very smart and cute as long as you were not staring at his face and at his mouth in particular. one day the depressed dog refused his food as usual, and the kitten came over. the kitten smelled and tasted the dog food, and proceeded to eat it. the dog lived with many cats through the years but the dog has never seen a cat trying to eat his food. the dog started eating his food with the cat. since that day, the dog and the cat always eat together from the same jar. they alternate dog food with cat food. the dog is no longer depressed, the dog acts happy. the dog just does not hear well, the dog just does not see well.

we received a call during our vacation that our cat died. our dead cat was hanging out in the basement for 2 days. we came home. my husband put the cat in the box, and placed it in the backyard. the next morning all the neighborhood cats were singing serenades in memoriam to the dead cat under our daughter’s bedroom window. today the car came and took the cat to cremation.



бабушка плоховато видит, бабушка плоховато слышит. бабушка носит увеличительное стекло, слуховой аппарат, и подобный микрофону прибор вокруг шеи. все равно, она плохо видит, а то, что бабушка слышит, обычно является не тем, о чем говорят вокруг. бабушка старается, как может, получать удовольствие от жизни. бабушка играет в карты на центы, бабушка катается по магазинам на инвалидной коляске, бабушка заигрывает с ее докторами. бабушкин попугайчик случайно умер. все вокруг верят, эта птичка была перерожденным бабушкиным сурпругом. птичка говорила ей, что одевать, птичка говорила ей, что делать, птичка говорила ей, куда идти. бабушка купила другого попугайчика. бабушка не может найти птичку в один вечер. она ищет всюду, но не может найти. она звонит дочке. дочка приезжает и находит птичку в морозилке. бабушка закрывает ящик в другой вечер, и прищимляет птичкину лапку. у птички отрывается пальчик. бабушка, ее дочка, птичка и птичкин пальчик устремляются в госпиталь. доктор пришивает птичке пальчик. птичка оказывается опять в морозилке, птичка оказывается закрытой в шкафчиках. птичка умирает. бабушка очень хочет другую птичку, но говорит, что она ее не заслуживает.

на собаке одета нарядная кофта на рождество. собаке более 15 лет. собака плохо слышет, собака плохо видит, собака была в депрессии до недавнего времени. собака больше не в депрессии. нет, это не были антидепрессанты, которые излечили собаку, эти лекарства плохо помогали и порождали побочные эффекты. случилось чудо! кот, который жил с собакой, умер. моя свекровь, которой принадлежат кот/собака, взяла себе одного из котов ее сына. он имел 6 котов и испытывал трудности заботиться о них всех. тогда этому коту понадобился друг, и свекровь, которая работает в поликлиннике для животных, принесла домой котенка со смещенной челюстью. котенок был очень умен и симпатичен, если вы не смотрели пристально на его морду, и его рот в особенности. один день депрессивная собака, как обычно, отказалась кушать свою еду, и котенок подошел к ней. котенок понюхал и попробовал собачью еду, и начал ее есть. собака жила со многими котами за свою многолетнюю жизнь, но еще никогда собака не видела кота, кушающего ее еду. собака стала есть ее еду с котом. с этого дня собака и кот всегда едят вместе из одной миски. они чередуют собачью еду с кошачьей. собака больше не в депрессии, собака выглядит радостной. собака просто плохо слишит, собака просто плохо видит.

нам позвонили во время нашего отпуска сказать, что наша кошка умерла. наша мертвая кошка околачивалась в подвале в течении двух дней. мы приехали. мой муж закрыл кошку в коробку и положил ее на заднем дворе. на следующее утро все местные коты пели серенады в память мертвой кошке под окном нашей дочери. сегодня приехала машина и забрала кошку на кремацию.

employee-employer

this is the list of top 10 employer to employee encounters from my own experience and from the experiences of few others close to me:

10. your boss gets a bunch of you in a room on friday and tells you all to come up with the solving a performance problem ideas during the weekend.

9. you do an occasional office-cleaning job. your manager tells you that the office workers will always remember you as a cleaning person, no matter what you’d end up being in life later on.

8. your boss feeds you chinese candies every chance she gets.

7. your boss asks you to move your carefully planned multi-country international trip because of the server upgrade event, since he did not realize your vacation starts in two days.

6. your boss sends you an email that there is a party food leftover in the fridge, and that you should use plates to heat it up, and not the aluminum containers the food is currently in.

5. your boss sits on your desk nervously fidgeting his legs looking at your screen every time he asks you to do anything.

4. your boss tells you that you are the best thing that happened to him. all he truly means is that you are doing a very good job.

3. you tell your boss you saw him in your dream last night. his face turns read and he agitatedly asks you not to tell him this dream.

2. every day your boss thanks you for doing a good job and for helping him out.

1. your employee who works at your house tells you to work from the office and not from home.

not your life?

you wake up. you get ready. you go to class, you go to work. you go to lunch. you go out. you go home. you watch tv. you go to bed. you wake up..

do you agree with the mirror that this is you you’re looking at? who are you? who’s life are you living? do you know the moment when you started living this life? did you come up with the idea for this to become your life? did it happen accidentally? did you always live this life? do you see anything wrong with it? do you like it? do you think it is good for you? do you think it is better than the alternative that could have happened? do you know what life you would have chosen have you had a second chance? do you think you would have gotten it? do you think you would have been happier? do you think you would have call it your life? who do you think you would have been seeing in the mirror?


ты просыпаешься. ты собираешься. ты идешь на учебу, ты идешь на работу. ты идешь на обед. ты идешь куда-то провести время. ты идешь домой. ты смотришь телевизор. ты ложишься спать. ты просыпаешься..

ты согласен с зеркалом, что это ты, тот, на кого ты смотришь? кто ты? чью жизнь ты живешь? ты знаешь момент, с которого ты начал жить эту жизнь? ты сам придумал сделать это твоей жизнью? это произошло случайно? ты всегда жил эту жизнь? тебе кажется в ней что-то не то? тебе она нравится? ты думаешь, твоя жизнь подходит тебе? ты думаешь, это лучше, чем альтернатив, который мог случиться? ты знаешь, какую жизнь ты бы выбрал имея второй шанс? ты думаешь, у тебя бы получилось? ты думаешь, ты был бы счастливей? ты думаешь, ты бы назвал это твоей жизнью? кого, ты думаешь, ты бы видел в зеркале?

teeth

today is the teeth day. it started with my friend telling me a story about her child’s dental adventures. then my mother called me to say that her dental bridge came off. that lead me to make my own dental appointment. and to top it off, my father will come over today with his constant teeth saga.

here are other teeth related experiences of my life –

my son likes to chew his pacifier in the crib. he makes holes in the pacifiers, and then he refuses to suck on them. i buy about 2 to 4 pacifiers a week because of this act of his.

i go to my first dental checkup at school. i am 11. the dentist finds 14 cavities in my teeth. it is not my first dental checkup ever. it is not my first dental checkup that year. it is just my first dental checkup in a few months.

my dentist has framed photos of people’s teeth on his wall. i always ask him to add the picture of my teeth there, but he keeps refusing.

my grandma misplaced her dentures. we are expecting guests and this is not a best time for such an accident. it is not the first time this happens. the grandpa is lecturing grandma to always keep her teeth close by. we are all looking for the false teeth. we look in her pockets, we look in her magazines, we look in her shelves, we don’t see them. then the great grandma finds them in the trashcan. everyone is happy. the guests arrive, we start eating.


сегодня зубной день. он начался с истории подруги о зубных приключениях ее ребенка. потом мама позвонила сказать, что ее мост поломался. это навело меня на мысль назначить визит к зубному и себе. и в завершение, папа придет сегодня со своей вечной зубной сагой.

вот другие зубные проишествия моей жизни -

мой сын любит жевать свою соску в кровати. он делает в них дырки, а потом отказывается их сосать. я покупаю от 2 до 4 сосок в неделю из-за этого его деяния.

я иду на мою первую школьную зубную проверку. мне 11 лет. зубной врач находит 14 дырок в моих зубах. это не первый визит к зубному в моей жизни. это не первый визит к зубному в этом году. это просто мой первый визит к зубному за несколько месяцев.

мой зубной врач держит фотографии зубов в рамках на своей стене. я всегда прошу его добавить туда мои зубы, но он все отказывает.

моя бабушка не может найти ее вставные зубы. мы ждем гостей, и это не лучшее время для такого происшествия. это не первый раз, такое случается. дедушка читает нотацию бабушке всегда держать ее зубы при себе. мы все ищем вставные зубы. мы ищем в ее карманах, мы ищем в ее журналах, мы ищем в ее полках, мы их не видим. наконец прабабушка находит зубы в мусорнике. мы все радуемся. гости приходят, мы начинаем кушать.

socializing

a big part of physically going to your job location is socializing. i am not a social person but if i am friendly with you, and i got some free time, you bet i am going to stand by your desk talking to you until you start wishing for someone to give me something urgent to do right now. the same goes for im conversations. i just sense your urge for something to distract me from talking to you after bombarding you with countless number of lines that see no ending. as long as i am in the mood, i have something to say, and i have a lot to say about it.

i don’t have many people to talk to. i work from home. i started writing these daily posts and they kind of substitute socializing for me at the moment. sometimes these segments come to me all at once, sometimes i take notes of pieces of my thoughts at various times, and later make it into a story of the day. and yes, i absolutely bill the clients for my creative explorations.

mother-daughter event sampler

sit down - stand up, sit down – stand up; again.. what wouldn't you do for your mother, what wouldn't your mother do for you. my mother is here to make me company at this strange event. i am hear to experience the posture improvement breakthrough technique. i am here to entertain myself. i am here to entertain my mother. sit down - stand up, sit down – stand up; again.. i have a horrible posture, and i am re-learning to sit. so does my mother. sit down – stand up.. this is a free alexander technique workshop. lay down – sit up, lay down – sit up; again.. stand up and look in the mirror for a while.. help each other to learn to sit right.. correct each other when you see a wrong posture..

my mother and i are eating foie gras at a fancy french restaurant for her birthday. just the two of us. my mother does not know i am pregnant yet. what do you think about twins, - i ask..

my mother wants a massage. she really wants a massage. she just came to the country, she does not feel very comfortable, she does not speak much english. i need to join my mother for the massage. i get a fragile feminine guy who gently strokes and caress my body. my mother gets a big muscular energetic female who pushes, stretches, pokes, and slaps her. everyone is happy.

we take my mother upstate. we end up in the shittiest hotel room ever. my mother needs a good coffee the next morning, she emptied her thermos last night. my mother can’t drink the regular coffee they serve from the coffee pots. i go to all the establishments in the village to inquire about espresso. i don’t find any.

my mother and family are moving to staten island. the mover has a little hangover from the night before. he ties the mattress to the van’s roof. off he goes over verrazano bridge. the mattress falls down on the bridge. the mover is not allowed to stop on the bridge. my brother is in his van calling me. we get in the car and we drive to the bridge in attempt to capture the mattress. there is no sign of the mattress. we turn around. we see the police cars and what seems to be the mattress. we don’t stop. my mother convinces the driver to go there and claim the mattress. the driver gets a fine. the driver does not get the mattress. my mother deducts the mattress cost from the driver’s check. my mother goes to a mattress store and gets a much better serta mattress at a great discount.

*correction - the hunted item upstate was not espresso but a cup of hot water to add to brought grinded coffee.

top 10 list i learned this week

there is a guy at work, who sometimes sends these out-of-it emails. today he decided to create a page to place all the things he learned this week in there to "be informed about all the myriad happenings within our department and around the company".

i decided that i should also make my own top 10 list i learned this week. here it goes:

10. tom cruise likes tina turner
9. the color of this new year is going to be orange
8. some famous guy read the entire encyclopedia and wrote about what he read
7. it costs over 10k for a couple to go to australia for about 2-3 weeks
6. a girl at work was named after an actress who played a cyborg
5. you should ask your child not to drool when you want her to stop drooling
4. read/write permissions give you rights to create temp tables in sql05
3. my sister was hired back 2 weeks after getting laid off
2. there is an observation deck on the top of rockefeller center
1. tying shoes is actually not that easy


please vote for your favorite posts if you haven't. don't think of yourself as a special reader who should be excluded from this chore. you read - you vote - very simple.

arc de triomphe

i am reading a book. i don’t understand what is happening. have i been reincarnated? was this book ever my life? do i need this book to become my life? do i fear this book will become me? this is a fictional novel, and it is not even that great of a literature piece. something is weird. somehow this feels right, like you just found a part of you that you never knew existed. nothing in this book has anything to do with my life or personality. i am 13. i feel all the expressions, tastes, emotions, atmospheres, events, times and places i am reading about. i don’t get my fascination with this book. all i know - i am stuck reading it over and over. i can’t read anything else anymore.

crowds

i am scared of crowds. it does not matter if it is a parade, a large party, a concert, or a funeral. it is so much easier to manage and manipulate a crowd than individuals. you can put a political message, a desire of action, or any thought in a crowd’s mind. you can make a crowd to vote, to love, to hate.. and you can make a crowd to go shopping.

small-world accidents

a guy sits at his desk at work and reads a letter i wrote looking for lost relatives. the lost relative i am looking for is his best friend from school.

my friend’s mother is walking on the seashore and meets another immigrant lady. they start talking and find out they are relatives.

small department needs to hire 3 new people. there are no russian speaking employees in this department yet. two of us stay, two get fired during the month of hiring. all four came from the same city in west ukraine. all four know someone that at least one of the other 3 knows.

the first nanny i had is now working across the street.

remember?

do you remember the taste of tomatoes in your hometown? do you remember the face of a person you love after being apart for a long time? do you remember your age? do you remember what you had on the day you met your significant other? do you remember the name of the movie you saw yesterday?

memory is selective, you can’t keep it all in, you gotta make choices.. it’s interesting to see how much can you learn about people just by them telling you what they remember, right?

i don’t remember you at all on the night that made me love you.

care

most people around you are the regular mediocre losers, isn’t it so? but there are few, surprisingly very few, that you value, that you care about, that are important to you. you are willing to do a lot for them, right? you are willing to help them out when they need it. you are willing to comfort them when they are sad. you are willing to feel happy for them when they are happy. you are willing to really listen to them and truly sympathize them. you are willing to inconvenience yourself a lot for them. why are you willing to do all that? what place do they take in your heart that makes them so valuable to you?

you don’t need them to return you the favor. you don’t expect or count on that. you are self-sufficient, you rely and depend on yourself. you don’t need to be helped out, you don’t need to be comforted, you don't need to be felt happy for, you don’t need to be listened to and sympathized to. you really don’t need to cause inconvenience for anyone. all you hope to have in return is for them to keep you in the same special place in their hearts as the place you keep them.

it seems, you are not in that place, when their help does not come in the right moment. it seems, you are not in that place, when you don't sense comfort from them in the right moment. it seems, you are not in that place, when they don’t look happy for you in the right moment. it seems, you are not in that place, when they don't act like they listen and sympathize you in the right moment. it seems, you are not in that place, when they don’t appear to be inconveniencing themselves for you in the right moment.

that makes you feel kind of cheated. that makes you feel kind of betrayed. that makes you feel kind of disappointed. you free your heart from these very few, step by step, one by one. by the end of it, your heart is empty. there is plenty of room to select the new very few, to find them a spot in your heart, to help them out when they need it, to comfort them when they are sad, to be happy for them when they are happy, to listen and sympathize them, to inconvenience yourself for them. will you look for them? will you find them? will you care for them? will you want to?

who will they end up being?


большинство людей вокруг тебя это обычные заурядные бездарности, не так ли? но есть и несколько, на удивление совсем несколько, которых ты ценишь, и которые тебе важны. ты пойдешь на многое для них, правда? ты готов помочь им, когда им нужно. ты готов сочувствовать им, когда они грустны. ты готов радоваться за них, когда они радуются. ты готов по-настоящему слушать их и им сопереживать. ты готов причинять себе значительные неудобства ради них. почему ты готов на все это? какое место они занимают в твоем сердце, что делает их такими ценными для тебя?

тебе не нужно, чтобы они вели себя так же по отношению к тебе. ты не ожидаешь и не расчитываешь на это. ты самостоятельный человек, ты зависишь и надеешься лишь на себя самого. тебе не нужна ничья помощь, тебе не нужно ничье сочувствие, тебе не нужно, чтобы за тебя радовались, тебе не нужно, чтобы тебя выслушивали и сопереживали. тебе совсем не нужно, чтобы кто-то причинял себе неудобства ради тебя. единственное, что ты надеешься иметь в ответ, это занимать такое же сокровенное место в их сердцах, как то, где ты держишь их.

кажется, ты не занимаешь это место, когда помощь от них не приходит в нужную минуту. кажется, ты не занимаешь это место, когда ты не ощущаешь от них сочувствия в нужную минуту. кажется, ты не занимаешь это место, когда они не выглядят радостными за тебя в нужную минуту. кажется, ты не занимаешь это место, когда они не ведут себя, как будто, они слушают и сопереживают тебе в нужную минуту. кажется, ты не занимаешь это место, когда непохоже, что они идут на неудобства ради тебя в нужную минуту.

из-за этого ты чувствуешь себя как бы обманутым. из-за этого ты чувствуешь себя как бы преданным. из-за этого ты чувствуешь себя как бы разочарованным. и ты освобождаешь свое сердце от этих нескольких, шаг за шагом, один за одним. в конце концов, твое сердце пусто. теперь есть достаточно места выбрать новых, совсем немногих, найти им место в твоем сердце, помогать им, когда им нужно, сочувствовать им, когда они грустны, радоваться за них, когда они рады, слушать их и им сопереживать, причинять себе неудобства ради них. ты будешь их искать? ты найдешь их? ты будешь заботиться о них? ты будешь этого хотеть?

кем они окажутся?

boring

i am an introvert. my inner world is extremely rich. my outer life is overwhelmingly boring. why is there such a gap? why am i missing on all the fun? does everything around me seem so flat because it is so pitiful comparing to what i want it to be? is it really just so plainly uninteresting? my life is so boring, i want to avoid living it. i hurry up home on the day of my favorite show instead of going out with my so called friends because i rather live the lives of my favorite characters. i can’t wait the social gathering at work to end so i can read my book. i don’t see how it can ever change. i don’t see what i can do to help it.

я интроверт. мой внутренний мир несказанно богат. моя внешняя жизнь невероятно скучна. отчего такая разница? почему все веселье обходит меня стороной? все вокруг выглядит таким серым, потому что это такое жалкое подобие того, что мне бы хотелось иметь? это действительно просто так прозаично неинтересно? моя жизнь так скучна, я хочу избежать ее жить. я спешу домой в день моего любимого кино вместо того, чтобы пойти куда-то с так называемыми друзьями, потому что мне интересней жить жизнь моих любимых персонажей. я не могу дождаться конца банкета на работе, чтобы продолжить читать мою книгу. я не вижу, как это когда-нибудь может изменится. я не вижу, что я могу сделать этому помочь.

liar

what makes you lie? do you lie to make your image more mysterious? do you lie to pretend to be a better person? do you lie to hide your stupidity? do you lie to make up for your irresponsibility? do you lie because you are a pathological liar?

all your lies make your image less and less mysterious. all your lies portray you more and more negatively. all your lies show your stupidity and irresponsibility. all your lies make you look like a pathological liar. is this who you are? do these lies really make up your truth?


что заставляет тебя врать? ты врешь, чтобы сделать свой образ более таинтственным? ты врешь, чтобы казаться лучше, чем ты есть? ты врешь, чтобы скрыть свою глупость? ты врешь, чтобы восполнить свою безответственность? ты врешь, потому что ты не можешь не врать?

твое вранье делает твой образ все менее и менее таинственным. твое вранье изображает тебя более и более негативно. твое вранье демонстрирует твою дурость и безответственность. твое вранье показывает, что ты не можешь не врать. это действительно ты? это вранье и составляет твою сущность?

ordinary?

i am so ordinary, i can’t stand it. i am trying so hard to make believe i am not, to present myself as an interesting person, as somewhat unusual person, and as artsy as i can pull off, but i know the real me. and believe me, there is nothing interesting in there. i practice smocking alone so i seem more experienced doing that in public. i steal money from my family’s wallets so i can have some cash when i go out with friends. that’s just pathetic. i think all these crazy thoughts but if you get to the bottom of them, they are so disgusting, they make me sick. my great grandma’s funeral was today, my father and my uncle showed up at the cemetery, and now my grandma and the rest of the family are gossiping about them since they have not seen them for a while. of course i made a scene. of course i freaked out on them. of course i told them how unforgivably fake they all are. of course i stormed out. i am better than them. i am better than them, sitting here, thinking how sad it is that the great grandma managed to die the day before the play i was really looking forward to seeing.

meant to be?

how many days can you count so far, where you look back and realize a day for what it was meant to be, not for what you made it to be? probably not too many. but likely you can’t recognize them all. it’s not that someone was making it easy for you to figure it out. maybe they were, maybe you were just overly self-absorbed? hold that thought. were you really that stupid? did you really not know or did you pretend not to know? do you think maybe you were just scared? do you think maybe you were too brave?

incredible desire

how does it feel to have an incredible desire to give yourself, to sacrifice yourself, to unconditionally love someone, and yet to have no one to give yourself to, to sacrifice yourself for, and to love? do you pull this desire out of your chest, do you cry out all the pain it causes, and all the emptiness it brings? do you create a person that you can love, that you can devote yourself to, feelings for who you can harbor and nourish? do you look for another passion you can throw yourself in, to preoccupy and exhaust yourself to the point that you don’t have energy to feel? do you simply live with this desire? do you keep looking? do you give up and let it slowly dissolve and disappear with time? do you ever find what you’re looking for? what happens to the original incredible desire afterward?

как это ощущается, иметь неимоверное желание самоотдачи, самопожертвования, неограниченной любви, и при этом не иметь никого, кому хотелось бы отдаться, кому хотелось бы чем-то пожертвовать, и кого хотелось бы любить? ты вырываешь это желание из своей груди, ты рыдаешь от причиняющей боли, и надвигающейся пустоты? ты придумываешь кого-то, кого ты можешь любить, кому ты можешь посвятить себя, чувства к кому ты можешь оберегать и лелеять? ты ищешь иное увлечение, в которое ты можешь окунуться, забыться и обессилить себя до такой степени, что у тебя не остается энергии чувствовать? ты просто живешь с этим желанием? ты продолжаешь искать? ты сдаешься и даешь ему постепенно раствориться и исчезнуть? ты когда-то находишь то, что ты ищешь? что происходит с тем первоначальным неимоверным желанием после этого?


there is a new voting poll here on the right, so please vote in return for reading. letter h turned out to be the letter of the day i guess..

love letter

your existence lets me dream. your presence transforms me into an idiot. your absence makes me cry. thinking of you hurts me. being with you tires and empties me out. is it your fault? is it my choice?

sometimes i look at you and i adore you, sometimes i look at you and i can’t stand you. i am always in pain when i look at you.

does it all seem too fake to you? does it all seem too exaggerating to you? does it all seem too genuine to you? does it all seem too weird to you? does it all seem too made up to you? it does to me too.

please don’t feel sorry for me. please don’t feel pity for me. please don’t blame yourself. please don’t laugh at me. please don’t use me. please love me.


твое существование позволяет мне мечтать. твое присутствие превращает меня в идиота. твое отсутствие заставляет меня плакать. мысли о тебе причиняют мне боль. сосуществование с тобой утомляет и опустошает меня. это твоя вина? это мой выбор?

бывает, я смотрю на тебя, и обожаю тебя, бывает, я смотрю на тебя, и не могу тебя вынести. мне больно всегда, когда я смотрю на тебя.

тебе это кажется слишком фальшивым? тебе это кажется слишком преувеличенным? тебе это кажется слишком откровенным? тебе это кажется слишком странным? тебе это кажется слишком придуманным? мне тоже.

пожалуйста, не переживай за меня. пожалуйста, не чувствуй ко мне жалость. пожалуйста, не упрекай себя. пожалуйста, не смейся надо мной. пожалуйста, не используй меня. пожалуйста, люби меня.

other's heart

the stupid fucking desire for the other person to complete you.. how far are you going to go to accomplish that, to satisfy this ridiculous craving? will you go ahead and rip his heart out to place it into you?

эта идиотская проклятая потребность в другом человеке, который дополнит тебя.. как далеко ты готов пойти, чтобы достичь этого, удовлетворить эту смехотворную страсть? ты пойдешь на то, чтобы вырвать его сердце и вставить в себя?

sentence

you combine words. you make a sentence. how many possibilities in millions of people and millions of words that this sentence has already been created, your thought has already been put into words (maybe even by you long time ago)? you know the chance is pretty high. still you say it, you create your sentence. do you do it because you really need to say it? do you do it because you are yet to find this one out of the millions who already said it? or do you actually think that nobody else has said it the exact way you need to say it right now?

ты складываешь слова. ты составляешь предложение. как много возможностей в миллионах людей и миллионах слов, что это предложение уже было придумано, твоя мысль уже была облачена в слова (может даже тобой когда-то давно)? ты знаешь, шанс достаточно большой. тем не менее ты говоришь его, ты составляешь свое предложение. ты делаешь это потому что тебе очень нужно это сказать? ты делаешь это потому что ты пока не нашел среди миллионов, того, кто уже это сказал? или ты на самом деле думаешь, что никто другой еще не сказал это таким образом, как тебе это нужно сказать сейчас?

you and me

you told me you hate me in my dream. i believe it as strongly as when you told me you love me in my dream. i believe it as strongly as when you told me you don’t need me in my dream. i believe it as strongly as when you looked at me full of despise and did not even say anything in my dream. i believe it as strongly as when you told me you care about me. i believe it as strongly as when you told me you don’t. did i dream these words?

мне приснилось, – ты говоришь, что ненавидишь меня. я верю этому настолько же сильно, как, когда мне приснилось, – ты говоришь, что любишь меня. я верю этому настолько же сильно, как, когда мне приснилось, – ты говоришь, что не нуждаешься во мне. я верю этому настолько же сильно, как, когда мне приснился твой полный презрения взгляд без всяких дополнительных слов. я верю этому настолько же сильно, как и твоим словам, что я дорогой тебе человек. я верю этому настолько же сильно, как и твоим словам, что это нетак. мне приснились эти слова?

empty

you’re writing a story, you’re learning a skill, you’re reading a book, you’re obsessing over someone, you’re counting the calories, you’re rationalizing productivity at your job.. whatever it is you’re doing today, you wake up tomorrow, and you feel something is missing, your focus has shifted. you feel empty. your obsession is over, your motivation is gone, your interest is lost. your dream swallowed it all at once or the series of dreams secretly munched on it for a while. who knows how it happened. it’s just you now, tired and confused, staring at the monstrous hollow emptiness thinking what you can do next. do you have a guess?

ты пишешь рассказ, ты изучаешь что-то новое, ты читаешь книгу, ты поглащен кем-то, ты считаешь калории, ты рационализируешь продактивность на твоей работе.. чем бы это ни было, ты занят сегодня, ты просыпаешься завтра, и ты чувствуешь, что-то отсутствует, твой фокус изменился. ты ощущаешь пустоту. твоя одержимость исчезла, твоя мотивация пропала, твой интерес утерян. твой сон проглатил это все за один раз или серия снов длительно жевали это втихаря. кто знает, как это произошло. это лишь ты, сейчас, наедине сам с собой, усталый и растерянный, таращишся в громадную полую пустоту, думая, чем ты можешь заняться дальше. у тебя есть догадка?

wrong answer?

could it be that this little laughable one-word simple answer is really the answer i am denying myself to acknowledge? let me close my eyes, let me imagine the feel of this answer again and again, over and over, and ask myself for the billionth time if this really can be it. i wish it could.

not cold?

i don’t think i can handle any more pictures of this famous suri cruise kid. she is very cute, don’t get me wrong, but there must be something i don’t understand in her fashion. i even looked it up, am i alone in this thinking? all i could find (besides few other weather concerned loser-mommies like me) was that she is the most fashionable child out there. i am really out of it then. her celebrity parents wear warm pants, jackets and coats, and this kid is always in a dress, mostly in a short-sleeved dress, barelegged, and accompanied by a blanket. i don’t see the kid being wrapped in the blanket, the parents just carry it. maybe the parents bring it in case she gets really cold? maybe they bring it because it looks fashionable? maybe they can’t bear to cover the child in it because it is not fashionable? whatever the reason is – i don’t get it. this is not a baby, this is a toddler, why does she need a blanket to begin with? dressing the child in pants or in pantyhose is not an option for some reason (probably not stylish enough). the jackets or coats are probably not fashionable either (maybe until it snows). the child’s face appears cold to me on all her pictures. i guess that’s what it takes to earn the most fashionable child title. but it really bothers me to see this kid’s photographs.

one on one

am i going to like you? i better come prepared. because i know, if i am going to like you, everything i say will sound crappy, everything i wear will look odd and out of style; i will look ugly, i will seem stupid, i will act humorless. but ask anyone who knows me - i am smart, i am funny and fun, i have a good sense of humor, and i don’t look too bad at all. so you, people that know me, you're better be there. i will be hanging out with you, i will talk to you, and i may just pull it off.. and if i’ll screw our tête-à-tête moments, maybe it will be ok, maybe you will understand that this is just a sign of my affection to you..

where are you, people that know me?

tv shows

i've been watching paris hilton's my new bff show. this is a very happy program. you get to watch paris hilton creating competitions for girls who want to be her friends - very mood lifting activity.

another nice show to watch is john and kate plus 8. you see these guys raising two sets of multiple children, and taking them on all kinds of sponsored adventures, and you get very relaxed.

the other show i watch is heroes. we are on the 2nd season, and, as with the most of the shows, it seems much more boring than the 1st. but it’s not too bad. the only problem i have with this show is that every time mohinder suresh shows up, i can’t follow the plot because i can only think of how handsome this guy is. i am not into indian guys at all, so explain to me what happened there..

somehow i manage to forget most of the story line of any show during the break between the seasons, so i think my new bff is just right for me now. here is the top 10 list of things i learned about paris hilton from this wonderful program:

10. paris hilton needs a friend
9. paris hilton likes pink
8. paris hilton does not like scenes and attitudes
7. paris hilton is popular in japan
6. paris hilton would not consider a straight male for the bff position
5. paris hilton likes animals, but would eat them if they taste good
4. paris hilton can cook
3. paris hilton will call you a pet if she likes you
2. paris hilton has a clothing line she is promoting with the show
1. paris hilton and perez hilton are not the same person


are you voting today? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrw-wRSnGM4

needy

i wish you’d notice me more. i wish i’d understand everything you say, and all your reasonings. i just want to have you whole for myself. i just want to have fun. i just want your attention. i feel confused, small, not very smart, and slightly offended. hold me. tell me nice things. tell me a story.

holidays

new year was my magical holiday when i was little. the creative adults of the family would come up with a script for all of us to act out, we’d have costumes, there would be presents. dressing up the tree was a miracle and meditation in itself. looking at each ornament, finding a right spot for it – it was just so exciting.

the halloween holiday emerged with the birth of the babies. how much fan could it be to dress them up like whatever monsters i want, and make them run around?

happy halloween:)

your hand

your hand feels slightly rough. the sensation of touching your palm feels new. it beams affection, fright, and hope. it seeks assurance. i feel lost. i want time to stop.

insignificance

what hurts more – the questionable act or the lies about it? what hurts more – the questionable act or the realization of your insignificance in the other’s heart? how much pain and fear do you feel suspecting your insignificance? do you hurt back to retain your imaginary self-confidence? does it help? do you think you can accurately project the level of your insignificance in the lives of the others?

что ранит больше – сомнительный поступок или вранье о нем? что ранит больше – сомнительный поступок или осознание своей незначительности в сердце другого? сколько боли и страха ты ощущаешь подозревая свою незначительность? ты ранишь в ответ чтобы сохранить свою воображаемую уверенность в себе? это помогает? ты думаешь, что ты можешь достаточно точно предположить уровень своей незначительности в жизни других?

envy?

do you get envious? what do you feel when your friend or someone you know makes more money than you? when this person is smarter than you? when he is more social and popular than you? what do you feel when this other person is better looking than you? when he is happier in love? what do you feel when this other person just seems to have a better life? do you think that your feeling is what people call envy? it is a threat to you? is it a mockery of you? is it admiration, respect, or plain happiness for this other person? does your answer depend on who this lucky other person is?

у тебя случается, что ты испытываешь зависть? что ты чувствуешь, когда твой друг или знакомый зарабатывает больше денег, чем ты? когда этот человек умнее тебя? когда он более общительный и популярный, чем ты? что ты чувствуешь, когда этот человек красивее тебя? когда он более счастливый в любви? что ты чувствуешь, когда жизнь этого человека просто кажется лучшей, чем твоя? тебе кажется, что это ощущение называется завистью? ты чувствуешь это угрозой тебе, насмешкой над тобой? твое чувство - это восхищение, уважение или простое чувство счастья за этого человека? твой ответ зависит от того, кто именно этот удачливый человек?

the cat

kitty cat is a little anemic, – the vet said yesterday.

my husband had a pet cat when i met him. the cat was a part of the package. i was saying hi to the cat, petting the cat, just as a nice girlfriend should. my dry cleaning bill got high (the cat has a real shedding problem), but that was ok, just a little inconvenience.

we moved in together, the cat really liked scratching all the furniture we bought. the cat developed a problem going to the bathroom, so it’s pan was replaced by this expensive innovative automatic cat pan cleaner that stopped working out as designed pretty soon. but that was ok, just a little inconvenience.

then the babies were born. my sense of smell increased from all the hormones. so my husband came up with this ingenious engineering idea keeping the cat pan in the closet and installing a ventilation system in there that involved making giant holes in the walls of our rental place and putting pipes through them. the smell stopped. the electricity bill increased.

then the cat developed digestive problem where it could not control the bowel movements sometimes. so occasionally i would find its feces on the floor near playing babies. the husband took the cat to the vet, the vet gave the cat some pills, the cat medical bill was paid. the feces remained. one day i got sick cleaning after the cat, and i said, – no more, the cat has to go. luckily for the cat, we already were renovating our new place. the husband took the cat there.

the cat lives in the basement and shits there on the floor periodically. the cat does not get access to go upstairs. the cat has a bathroom built by my husband that’s bigger than ours. the cat shits on the top of the automatic cat pan. the cat looses weight. the cat periodically visits the vet. we periodically pay its bills. the cat’s blood work shows the cat is happy and doing fine. yesterday’s result showed a little anemia.


кошечка слегка анемична, - сказала вчера ветеринар.

мой муж имел кошку, когда я с ним познакомилась. кошка была частью сделки. я здоровалась с кошкой, гладила ее, как и положено вести себя девушке, когда она встречается с парнем, у которого есть кот. мой счет в химчистке значительно увеличился (кошка сильно линяет), но это все ничего, только небольшое неудобство.

мы съехались жить вместе. кошке стало очень нравится царапать нашу новую мебель. у кошки началась проблема ходить в туалет, поэтому коробка с ее песочком была заменена дорогой новой автоматической системой, которая перестала работать, как должна, значительно быстро. но это все ничего, только небольшое неудобство.

потом родились дети. мой нюх страшно увеличился от всех гормонов. мой изобретательный муж придумал гениальный инженерный план держать кошкин туалет в одном из встроенных шкафов, и установить вентилизационную систему, которая включила в себя проделывание огромных дыр в стенах нашей рентованной квартиры, и проводку труб через них. запах пропал. электрический счет повысился.

потом у кошки появилась проблема с пищеварением, и она переодически перестала контролировать свой кишечник. иногда я стала находить ее испражнения на полу, рядом с играющими детьми. муж повел кошку к ветеренару, ветеринар дала кошке какие-то таблетки, кошкин медицинский счет был оплачен. испражнения остались. в один день меня чуть не вырвало от вытирания за кошкой, и я сказала, - конец, с кошкой пора заканчивать. кошке повезло, так как мы уже ремонтировали наш новый дом. муж взял кошку туда.

кошка живет на подвальном этаже и переодически какает на пол. кошке закрыт вход на другие этажи. кошкин туалет, построенный мужем, больше, чем наш. кошка какает на стены автоматической коробки с песком. кошка теряет вес. кошка переодически навещает ветеринара. мы переодически платим за эти визиты. кошкины анализы показывают, что с ней в целом все нормально и ей хорошо. вчера результаты показали легкую анемию.

work ethics

- tick-tock -

i don’t think anyone can pull off jack bauer, wouldn't you agree? can you do chloe?

only 4 minutes to save the world over here..

- tick-tock -

longing

what would it take to sit you near me, to be able to take apart my defense system, to take apart my insecurities, and just tell you the raw truth about everything as i know it. but you know my truth, you don’t need me to tell you anything. you feel my truth, you feel my soul. you just want to sit near me, to be able to take apart your defense system, to take apart your insecurities, and tell me the raw truth about everything as you know it. but i know your truth, i don’t need you to tell me anything. i feel your truth, i feel your soul.

your truth is yours, my truth is mine.


что возьмет посадить тебя рядом со мной, суметь снять всю свою защитную систему, снять все свои комплексы и рассказать тебе полную безукрасную правду обо всем насколько я ее понимаю. но ты знаешь мою правду, тебе не нужно ничего от меня слушать. ты чувствуешь мою правду, ты чувствуешь мою душу. ты только хочешь сесть радом со мной, суметь снять с себя всю свою защитную систему, снять все свои комплексы и рассказать мне полную безукрасную правду обо всем, насколько ты ее понимаешь. но я знаю твою правду, мне не нужно ничего от тебя слушать. я чувствую твою правду, я чувствую твою душу.

твоя правда - твоя, моя правда - моя.

perception

you are who i choose you to be. you will look down on me if i decide to idealize you. you will be intimidated by me if i decide to make fun of you. be careful before approaching me, i may decide to be indifferent.

choices

you bet, you risk, you gamble. you make choices. you seek choices, life seems very boring without them. you choose relationships, you choose careers, you choose your image, you choose fashion. choosing is hard, but not having anything to choose from is harder. then you stop choosing and you accept the choices you made. is this a sign of laziness? is it a sign of being a grown-up? is it a sign of accepting yourself? is it a sign of giving up?

divorce

if we put aside the desire to have a dream wedding with prince charming and to satisfy the socially defined coupling, are there any other reasons to get married? the marriage ends in one of two ways – death or divorce. there isn’t much to think about death upon your decision to get married, except wishing for it to delay itself as much as possible. but the divorce – here you need to decide in advance if you want to take your chances. does the act of marriage adds anything else to a relationship except a desire to commit? can you have this desire without the ring? are you really willing to restrict yourself to being with a person in like 20 years, when you have no idea who both of you will become? is there a purpose for such a commitment? is it easier to commit and live with it or is it easier to give yourself the benefit of the doubt? is it easier to end a non-married relationship? would you think the same if you lived on an island with no one to judge you?

если мы отбросим в сторону желание сказочной свадьбы с очаровательным принцем и желание удовлетворить общепринятое понятие пары, мы найдем другие причины для желания выйти замуж? брак заканчивается одним из двух – смертью или разводом. смерть не наводит особых размышлений, когда ты думаешь о браке, кроме надежды, что это произойдет как можно позже. но развод – тут приходится заранее решать или ты готова на риск. брак добавляет что-либо к отношениям, кроме желания обязать себя? можно ли иметь это желание без колец? ты действительно готова ограничить себя обязательствами к человеку через скажем лет 20, когда ты не имеешь никакого понятия, кем вы оба станете? в этом обязательстве есть какая-то нужда? что проще – обязаться и жить с этим, или дать себе возможность сомнения? это действительно проще - обрывать не женатую связь? ты считала бы так же, живя на острове, без никого, кто готов осуждать тебя?



i am far from being britney spears’ fan, but this new video of hers is very fun and one of the best workout songs out there, and it’s very addictive - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1-23etoh43m&feature=user (replaced with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZSLIq6YiRY) or just search for womanizer

communications

email is a modern day telegram. the telegraph (far-write) existed in the world since 1792. then this italian guy came up with the telephone (far-voice) idea in 1844. it was just an idea at the time, and the concept of voice transmission was much more mysterious (and more expensive upon the actual invention) than the traditional transmission of words. what did these guys know about texting? my phone rang today. someone called me on the telephone to have a conversation! and it was not my mother! i could hardly believe it.

reproduction

you know your purpose on this earth is to make a child. you are not yet ready to get pregnant. you need to have protected sex. that’s the only sex you know. you do that for years. the day happens, you say – this is it - we want to have children. you are excitingly nervous. you’re going to vacation, you’re coming back with a baking baby. you tell that to your friends. this is your plan. you build your life by your plans. this is who you are.

nothing is happening. you tell yourself – this is normal. you tell yourself – it is ok, it will happen, it just takes more time. you are a control freak, you can’t really feel this way. you can only tell yourself how you should feel. you start reading. you start panicking. you start doing tests. you start buying products. you start lying. sex becomes a challenge. you become someone else.


ты знаешь, твое назначение на этой планете это родить ребенка. пока ты не готова к беременности. ты занимаешься безопасным сексом. это единственныый секс, который ты знаешь. ты практикуешь его годами. приходит день, ты говоришь, - все, мы хотим иметь детей. твое состояние возбужденно нервозное. ты едешь в отпуск, ты вернешься с пекущимся младенцем. ты говоришь это своим друзьям. это твой план. ты строишь жизнь по своим планам. это ты.

ничего не происходит. ты говоришь себе – это нормально. ты говоришь себе, это бывает, это случается, это только займет больше времени. ты должна держать все под контролем, ты не можешь так чувствовать на самом деле. ты можешь только внушать это себе. ты начинаешь читать. ты начинаешь паниковать. ты начинаешь ходить на осмотры. ты начинаешь покупать товары. ты начинаешь врать. секс становится задачей. ты становишься другой.

trio

there are double beds in a room, there are double seats in a bus. society assumes you travel in couples, you live in couples. when you’re solo, you’re either alone or you’re getting a neighbor and a new friend. what when you are the third?

you walk on a bus, one girlfriend in front, one girlfriend behind. they both want to sit with you. the one behind - she is your reason to get on that bus, the one in front - she is how you got on that bus. you gotta pick one. there is one you want to pick, there is one you should pick.

from now on you will fuck the appropriate, you will never be on that bus again.



в комнатах по две кровати, в автобусах места по двое. в обществе полагается, ты путешествуешь парами, ты живешь парами. когда ты один, ты либо сам по себе, либо ты находишь соседа и нового приятеля. что, когда ты третий?

ты идешь в автобусе, подруга cпереди, подруга сзади. они обе хотят сидеть с тобой. та, что за тобой - она причина, по которой ты на этом автобусе, та, что впереди – благодаря ей ты на этом автобусе. тебе нужно выбрать. одну ты хочешь выбрать, другую тебе полагается выбрать.

с этих пор ты пошлешь общепринятое, ты никогда больше не окажешься на этом автобусе.

blabbering

do you wish you could shut your mouth sometimes? does your desire to talk about you forces exposing others? do you end up creating a bridge for someone to get to know someone else, someone whom you wanted to keep hidden? you know - you built it, you know – it was your fault, you know – it was not gossip, just your need to be heard. you know – you’re going to pay for it. you just don’t yet know how, and for how long.

тебе бы хотелось научиться держать свой рот закрытым хоть иногда? твое желание говорить о себе порождает слова о других? ты создаешь кому-то мост, через который можно узнать о ком-то другом, о том, кого ты хотел держать спрятанным? ты знаешь - ты сам это построил, ты знаешь - это твоя вина, ты знаешь – это не было сплетничаем, просто твоей потребностью самовыражения. ты знаешь – ты будешь рассплачиваться за это. ты только пока не знаешь как, и как долго.

deep sleep

what is your best quality? mine is certainly a deep sleep. that quality has never let me down. plane, train, car, home, hotel, camping, you name it – no problems going to the dreamland. how else could you roommate a friend and her boyfriend in the same room for quite sometime, and have a great relationship with both of them?

how else could you stand living in a pioneer camp for a month of every summer? the boys sometimes sneak into girls’ rooms and paint their faces with toothpaste. then everyone see your face smeared with dry toothpaste the next morning and make fun of you. when the first thing you do upon waking up is touching your face to make sure the past night did not let you down, did not make a clown out of you. but the worst stunt the kids do – they place a fern leaf under your mattress. you wake up and you find out you wet your bed. how embarrassing.. how else can you escape your fear but go to sleep?

how can you not appreciate enough this magical ability of yours where you can switch your reality and your dreams in an instant? how useful this trick can be at the times when watching a dream is the only reason to keep going you can find?

madonna

i went to my first madonna’s concert with my cousin, who offered the extra ticket not to her cool and hip friends, but to me. yesterday i went again. it was really fun. i think she is a great artist with the best shows. even her propaganda did not bother me, it seemed part of her and her show. she did not get to perform voices - my favorite song from the hard candy cd, but that’s ok.

i discovered madonna when i realized i can deliver mail at least twice faster listening to her songs. before, i thought i was too intelligent for her music.

here is my favorite non-exercise song of hers http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cULYyeBO7yc&feature=related. i also have another version of this song with french words that you will not find anywhere else – my overwhelmingly smart husband extracted it from the credits section of the confessions tour dvd. i can email it to you if you want.

p.s. - apparently, the gypsy friends on madonna’s concert were russian guys - kolpakov trio that are friends of another madonna’s friend - eugene hutz of googol bordello.

here is a pair of good shoes - http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/fashion/2008/10/14/2008-10-14_madonna_kills_in_chanel_pistol_heels_at_-1.html . she wore them to the premiere of the filth and wisdom movie in ny, and this is the trailer for this very promising piece of cinema - http://www.imdb.com/video/imdb/vi2222194713/

two-faced woman

we call her a two-faced woman. she is a simple old lady who just lost her dog. but we don’t know it yet. we crave adventure. the world is full of interesting stuff, it’s all around us, we just can’t see it. we need to pay more attention, focus on everything we see. we notice something. there is a little grave in a secluded area of the neighborhood park. that seems suspicious. we watch it every day for hours – guilty always comes back to the crime scene. we see her. she comes, she stays there for a little while, she leaves. we follow her. now we know the building where she lives. this is serious. we establish a watch team. there are five of us. we take turns. we figure out her apartment number. we go in. we are the pioneers, we tell her, ready to do her chores. she thanks us, but no, she does not need any help. she does not want us around, she does not want us to see what she does. we keep watching her. we see her going to the morgue. that’s just over the top. we take a piece of paper and we write WTWTM - why two-faced woman went to morgue. we throw ideas and write them down. the next day we need to keep an eye on her as much as we can. but shit, we have the weekly class meeting tomorrow. we skip it. the two-faced woman does not leave her house that day. we try to explain the dangerous situation to our teacher that asks for explanation about the missed hour. she listens very attentively, seems to understand our worries, but still asks us not to skip class meetings again. so far we did not make much progress in our investigation. we need to take extreme measures. we dig the grave. we find bones. one of us claims to be able to tell corpse’s origin by looking at the bone structure. she thinks it’s some kind of an animal. that’s it, an animal? but what was she doing in the morgue the other day? we can’t really rely on this friend’s opinion, she is not qualified. we need to keep following and watching. the next day we see the suspect crying by the violated grave. another woman tries to comfort her. they see us. the friend of the two-faced woman starts talking to us. how dare are you kids, - she says, - this old woman just lost her husband, and she lost her dog recently, and you came here and you vandalized the dog’s grave. we feel embarrassed, we feel stupid and ashamed, and we leave.

мы зовем ее двуличной. она простая старая женщина, недавно потерявшая свою собачку. но мы пока этого не знаем. мы жаждем приключений. мир полон интересных вещей, они повсюду вокруг нас, мы просто их не видим. мы должны быть внимательней, тщательно анализировать все, что попадается нам на глаза. мы что-то замечаем - маленькая могилка в безлюдном уголке нашего парка. это выглядит подозрительно. мы наблюдаем за ней каждый день часами – виновный всегда приходит к месту приступления. мы видим ее. она приходит, немного стоит около могилы, она уходит. мы идем за ней. теперь мы знаем дом, где она живет. это серьезно. мы организовываем команду присмотра за субъектом. нас пятеро. мы следим по очереди. мы вычисляем ее квартиру. мы стучим в дверь – мы пионеры-тимуровцы, готовые помогать ей – пожилой женщине. она благодарит нас, но нет, ей не нужна помощь. она не хочет нас в своей квартире, она не хочет, чтобы мы видели, чем она занимается. мы продолжаем следить за ней. мы видем ее входящей в морг. это уже слишком. мы берем лист бумаги и пишем ЗПДВМ - зачем пошла двуличная в морг. мы высказываем и записываем наши догадки. на следующий день мы должны наблюдать за ней, насколько возможно. черт, у нас завтра классный час. мы его прогуливаем. двуличная не выходит из дома в этот день. мы пытаемся обьяснить опасную ситуацию нашей классной руководительнице, которая требует объяснения прогула. она внимательно слушает, похоже, что она понимает наши переживания, но тем не менее, просит нас не пропускать классные часы. пока мы не достигли особого прогресса в нашем расследовании. мы принимаем экстримальные меры. мы раскапываем могилу. мы находим кости. одна из нас говорит, что умеет определять оригинал трупа по составу костей. ей кажется, что это какое-то животное. всего-лишь животное? но что-же эта женщина делала в морге? мы не можем относится серьезно к мнению этой подруги, откуда она знает о костях. нам надо продолжать наблюдения. на следующий день мы видим плачущую подозреваемую около раскопаной могилы. другая женщина утешает ее. они видят нас. подруга двуличной обращается к нам. как вам, дети, не стыдно, - у этой старушки только умер муж, а недавно у нее умерла собака, а вы пришли сюда, и раскопали могилу этой собаки. нам стыдно, мы чувствуем себя по-дурацки, и мы уходим.

porn

i got access to some porn. this stuff looks nasty. it does not matter, it should not be hidden from everyone like that, it has to become public domain. i need to make copies of these photos. the only technique available is photographing the prints and re-printing them. there are few issues with this plan – i don’t have a camera that can do this, i don’t have a private space to neither take these photos, nor to dry the developed roll of film. no need to worry - all these are solvable problems. obstacle one – camera. i have a photographer neighbor. i need to persuade him and my mother that i have some school project. i am good – i get the camera to borrow for one day. next issue – photo shooting. i have a grandparent per every square foot of my apartment at all times, this project gotta be done some place else. my friend has a grandma too. one grandma will not really stop us, will she? this is the brilliant plan – me and my friend are going to skip few hours of school, go to her house --> the grandma will open the door --> my friend will get in. --> she will secretly let me in. --> my friend will leave. --> i will stay at her apartment. the grandma will not know of my presence (she is old and does not see or hear that great). --> i will let my friend in. --> we will quietly go to her room, and we’ll take the pictures there.--> we’ll leave. ok, so far so good. we are now at the execution of the last step – quietly proceeding to her room. grandma assumes nobody is in the house with her. shit, we just accidentally made some noise. grandma is following us, thinking she got intruders in there. at this point we reserve to the only instant and possible solution – we run to the balcony, and we lock the door behind us. grandma sees us, but she can’t see what we are doing there. we take pictures of porn. we are done. my friend’s grandma is nice, she does not yell at us that much. we now have a roll of film. i return the camera and the originals. next we need to develop negatives. another issue i can’t do at my house, i have no way to hang a developed roll to dry without it being noticed. my friend seems to think she got a safe spot behind her wardrobe closet. the only thing here – if my family finds it, i’d survive, if her mother finds it – she would undoubtedly kill her. we take the risk of survival. the roll hangs there behind the closet for 2 days. success! i take the negatives, and i develop them in the bathroom in my apartment. quality is much worse compare to the originals, but you could kind of see. we take the photos to school and show them to the girls.

я достала порн. выглядит достаточно мерзко. не важно – дело не в этом, искусство должно принадлежать народу, его нельзя хранить в тайне. я должна сделать копии этих фотографий. единственная существуемоя для этого возможность - сфотографировать эти фотографии и напечатать их. для осуществления этого плана сущесвуют несколько препятствий – у меня нет фотоаппарата, который может это делать, у меня нет никакого уединенного места ни для того, чтобы сфотографировать эти кадры, ни чтобы сушить проявленную пленку. нет повода для переживаний – это все решимые проблемы. первое дело – фотоаппарат. мой сосед – фотограф. мне нужно уговорить его и мою маму, что у меня какой-то школьный проект. я знаю свое дело – мне одалживают аппарат на день. следующее препятствие – съемки. у меня дома либо бабушка, либо дедушка на каждом квадратном метре, эта операция должна быть проведена в каком-то другом месте. у моей подруги тоже есть бабушка. одна бабушка нам не помеха, не так ли? вот наш гениальный план – мы с подругой сбежим со школы на пару часов и пойдем к ней домой --> ее бабушка откроет дверь --> моя подруга зайдет в дом --> она секретно пустит меня --> подруга уйдет --> я останусь в ее квартире незамечанной (бабушка не очень хорошо видит и слышит) --> я открою дверь подруге --> мы пойдем в ее комнату и тихонько сфотографируем наши фотографии. --> мы уйдем. пока все идет по плану. мы на нашем последнем шагу – тихонько перебираемся в комнату. черт, мы случайно задели что-то и наделали шум. бабушка устремляется в нашу сторону, подозревая грабителей. нам ничего не остается, кроме того, как принять моментальное и единственное возможное решение – мы бежим на балкон, и закрываем за собой дверь на ключ. бабушка видит нас, но она не видит, что мы там делаем. мы фотографируем порн. закончено. подругина бабушка относится с пониманием, она особо на нас не кричит. теперь у нас есть снятая пленка. я возвращаю фотоаппарат и оригиналы. следующий шаг – проявление негативов. еще одна задача, для работы над которой, не подходит моя квартира, там нет ни одного уголка, где висячая пленка останется незамеченной. моей подруге кажется, что она пожет повесить пленку в проеме за шкафом. правда ситуация тут такая – если моя семья найдет такую пленку, я останусь в живых, если мама моей подруги найдет этот шедевр искусства – она бесспорно ее убъет. мы выбираем рисковать жизнью. пленка висит за шкафом два дня. удалось! я беру готовую пленку и печатаю фотографии в нашей ванной. качество, конечно, гораздо хуже, но ничего, можно увидеть. мы берем фотографии в школу и показываем их девченкам.

vote

this seems to be the hottest topic these days. yes, please vote on the election too, sure. but i, in my limited world of reality, just simply talking about voting on this blog of mine here. it’s been here for a month! you gotta agree - you should give something back for reading it, i even came up with the selections - all that’s left for you to do is click! don’t you think you should contribute somehow after reading my provocative posts? click the button and vote right here:
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(right under the donkey)

yes, this is all i will tell you today.

insecurities

the other day, my friend and i were talking about a guy we knew when we were little, who was obviously homosexual, but who had no idea about it at the time, and neither did any of us. you talk to gay people in this country, you watch these tv shows, and you see how difficult it gets sometimes to come out of a closet here in open-minded america, but can you imagine overcoming it in freaking ukraine in the 80s? and it’s not just about all these free expression and education issues, it’s about the mentality you get raised in, and on top of that, the insecurities you’re born with and you grow with. hey, how many times did i myself wondered how would it be to have sex with a woman for example? but can you imagine ever overcoming your insecurities for these kinds of experiments? no way! how strange all these sex and the city like shows seem sometimes when you yourself have problems telling the truth about things like your first sexual encounter, the sexual fears or pleasures especially when you are young and when these discussion are especially needed and the most relevant? and i am not talking about openly discussing these issues in public, i am talking about sharing them with your close friends. these friends really gotta pull it out of you, and they don’t get much anyway do they? but if we can’t share these things with the real friends, then what do we call them friends for? should not they be called social pals at best? but most likely they are your friends, they are just as insecure about everything as you are.

пару дней назад мы говорили с подругой про парнишку, с которым мы дружили в детстве, и кто явно был голубым, но ни он, ни мы не имели об этом никакого понятия. ты общаешься с гомосексуалистами в этой стране, смотришь все эти современные передачи, и ты видишь, как сложно бывает открыть реальность и себе и окружающим в широко-кругозорной восприимчивой америке, а представь себе украину восьмидесятых? и дело не только в свободе выражения, слова, и соответственного образования, дело в ментальности, в которой ты вырос, и, в первую очередь, в коплексах, с которыми ты родился и сросся. сколько раз мне самой казалось интересным, как бы это было переспать с женщиной, например. но можно ли представить возможность когда-либо побороть свои комлексы для такого рода эксперементов? никогда! как нелепо бывает выглядят эти “секс и город” подобные шоу, когда тебе самой сложно признаться в таких вещах, как например, первый сексуальный опыт, сексуальные страхи или удовольствия, особенно в юности, и когда paзговоры на эти темы наиболее актуальны и нужны. и я не говорю про публичную открытость, я говорю про возможность поделиться этим с близкими подругами. эти подруги должны хорошо постараться, чтобы вытащить из тебя какое-то подобие правды, и в результате, они не узнают от тебя многого, не так ли? но если мы не можем поделиться этими размышлениями с близкими подругами, то подруги ли они или просто приятельницы? скорее всего, они таки да твои подруги, они просто имеют точно такие же комплексы, как и ты.

little house

you like winter. you see a little warm wooden house in deserted mountains surrounded by snowy trees in your dreams. i see that dream. i see it so well. i see myself in that house. i wake up and i cry.

dogs

my friend brought fifteen dogs on the plane. yeah, he is set to make some serious money right there. no marketing research, no potential buyers, no, - none of that. russian arrogance does not need any of that fluff. he got a friend in moscow who basically gives these champion dog breed puppies for free. all he gotta do is bring the puppies down, - there will be a line of people to buy these beauties. he lives in the absorption center (cross between a cheap hotel and a fancy prison) in one-bedroom apartment with his wife and two sons – newborn and a ten year old. his only source of income is the government’s help to new immigrants.

the dogs need to eat well, they are going for a good price, no skimping out on them. he buys best chunks of beef and lamb to please his puppies. no problem pooping on that diet. the dogs have one room for themselves. we take turns cleaning and feeding. it’s not that pleasant, but it’s fun. this is an interesting family, i like their outlook on life. and my friend’s brother is cute. we got two neapolitan mastiffs, three great danes, four dobermans, two rottweilers, one caucasian shepherd dog, and three collies. they are just lovely.

week one passes. all dogs get bigger, no dogs get sold. they eat more, they shit more. we need to think. we make a dog seller poster and i start promoting our gems in the city center. i get to sell a great dane.

this was the only sale we made. we tried for few more weeks, the situation got unbearable. we had hard times giving the dogs away for free. general population did not care about the breed, they were more concerned about the diseases the strange russian dogs could carry. some dogs did not make it. caucasian ovcharka had to be separated from the rest of the puppies because he became dangerous to them as he grew. where could we place him? my friend found a room without light in a different town, and he took daily trips there to feed him. the dog got wild and mad in this strange abandoned room and had to be terminated.

but the things got better after a few months. the days of no food for the baby and no cigarettes for the wife seemed to pass. most of the dogs got placed on various arrangements. my friend went to russia again, this time he ventured to siberia. he came back with a great idea to start strawberry export business. bunch of neighbors chipped in and lent him cash visualizing the promising returns on their investments.

and one day my friend went on the mission. his wife, two children, and the seventeen year old neighbor apparently went with him. there are rumors that the teen got shot in odessa few years later. there are other rumors that actually it was the older son that got shot. and there are rumors that my friend himself got shot. we will never know for sure.

nannies

i am a neurotic obsessed mother. my children live on a very strict schedule. their activities are timed, carefully planned, and thought about in great detail. i am thinking about returning to work, we are looking for a nanny. right now i am finishing breastfeeding one baby, my husband is changing the other one. a candidate was supposed to show up about an hour ago, and still did not. doorbell rings. my father, who is helping out this evening, opens the door. i think i am late, am i? - the lady by the door asks. i think so, - papa answers. she blushes somewhat embarrassed. oh well, i guess i am going to go then, - she replies after slight hesitation. ok, - says papa and closes the door.

we keep looking. we see all kinds of nannies – caribbean, spanish, american, greek, russian, hungarian, old, young, experienced and expensive, inexperienced and cheap. we like this romanian girl, we hire her. she is supposed to show up the next day at 9am, she calls us at 8:50 to say that she is sick, not sure if she should come, and she is stuck in traffic. we fire her.

we keep looking. we really like this polish girl who has the experience and lives near by. but she is so expensive, we don’t think we can afford her. we like this caribbean girl, she seems really good, but she is even more expensive, there is no point for me to go back to work, paying this kind of salary to a nanny.

we keep looking. one russian candidate tells me i should stay home with my children. another russian lady starts crying about the death of her daughter’s husband. we kind of like this other russian woman, she seems ok, but she can’t say a word in english, and she says way too many words in russian.

we keep looking. a russian lady shows up – she is not young, but she seems pretty good, intelligent, has the experience we need, the salary requirements are appropriate, she speaks basic english. that’s great. we hire her, i arrange my return to work, and i start training her. she calls and says she can’t show up because her uncle in russia died. the next day she calls to say that actually it is her daughter that died and not her uncle. this day is my birthday and the day before i have to return to work. oh shit.. i think i am going to have a heart attack now. we fire her.

we keep looking. i work from home. my husband takes some time off work. we have no nanny. miraculously my cousin finds an ok russian nanny with good experience and references. we hire her. it seems to be working out. she is not bad, hardworking, likes kids, a little weird, but hey, who is not. she starts giving me attitude. i feel bad, maybe i micromanage and control her too much. i try to be easier on her. she gives me attitude. i try explaining the way things are to her. she gives me attitude. we fire her.

we keep looking. i don’t want russian speaking nannies anymore. we find a nice colombian girl from london two blocks away from us - educated, polite, with experience and references in the uk. she is willing to work for the salary we’re offering. we have to apply for her work visa, we have to pay a lot of money to the agency that represents her. we go for it. we want the best for our children. there is a storm in our neighborhood on day one of her employment. she can’t come to work because there is a hole in her roof. she gets a bleeding ulcer on day five of her employment. she is crying because she is breaking up with her boyfriend. she is back together with the boyfriend but she has to stay home with him because he brakes his leg. his grandpa dies, she gotta go to the funeral. she has so many problems, she is barely showing up to work. she has to text so much, she does not have time to care for the children. she damages a disk in her back, she can’t lift the children. we fire her.

we keep looking. we are looking mainly at russian women, they prove to show up. i don’t have the tolerance talking to all these ladies. my mother is prescreening them for me. one lady seems not bad. we hire her.

to be continued?

dream

how do you feel when something you were agonizing about for ages turns around and makes you happy? when after the accustomed hollowness you suddenly find love and total understanding in the deepest, closest, and scariest place? does it make you feel wise? does it make you feel proud and brave? does it make you feel empty? does it make you feel overfull of joy so much you don’t know what to do with yourself? does it make you cry and feel sorry for yourself for the eternity of doubts? does it make you want more? does it make you hurt even more because nothing real can ever satisfy the dream you created?

do you think that at the end you will feel what you always felt, you will doubt what you always doubted, and you’ll be scared as you always was because it makes you be what you are?


что ты чувствуешь, когда то, о чем ты агонизировал веками, разворачивается, и делает тебя счастливым? когда, после пустоты, сросшейся с тобой, ты неожиданно находишь любовь и полное понимание в самом глубоком, близком, и вечно пугающем тебя месте? ты чувствуешь себя мудрым? ты чувствуешь гордость и смелость? ты ощущаешь пустоту? ты чувстуешь переполнение радостью до такой степени, что ты не знаешь, что с собой поделать? ты хочешь плакать и жалеть себя за вечность сомнений? ты ощущаешь желание хотеть большего? ты ощущаешь еще более сильную боль оттого, что никакая реальность никогда не cможет удовлетворить ту мечту, которную ты придумал?

ты думаешь, что в конце концов и после всего, ты будешь чувствовать и ощущать то, что ты всегда чувствовал и ощущал, ты будешь сомневаться в том, в чем ты всегда сомневался, и ты будешь бояться, как ты всегда боялся потому что это делает тебя тем, кто ты есть?

circle of buttons and socks

finally i got away to do some shopping. excitingly, i managed to find a pair of pants that i liked and that fit. obviously, it’s the last pair (in all the sizes). i try them on, i buy them, i leave. they have six decorative buttons in front. i get home, i open the bag – one button is missing. that’s just so sad. i can’t find the button online. it would be pretty difficult for me to go to the store again. what should i do? ok, let’s get mama to go to the store, and ask them for an odds and ends button box. but mama is scared, she does not think they would help her out in there, they would just be rude to her and make her feel stupid and sad. ok, let’s ask my dear husband, who runs his life on such a schedule that an extra sneeze is an inconvenience, to stop by there. he goes there the first time, and the store is getting closed for the day, and they tell him to come back. he goes there again, and they mesmerize him with a bag of lost buttons. he looks for the button - so many shapes, so many colors. an interested shopper starts helping him out, the sales girl is trying to help out. there are so many buttons.. they don’t find the matching button for my pants. he brings them home. i look at the pants, i remove all the buttons, and i put four of them back. this looks perfect, it does not look any worse than the indigenous six buttons this story began with.

i live in the dorm. i do laundry very rarely. today is the lucky day. i put my laundry in the machine. i am going to visit my friend now. hold on, what am i going to wear? i got no socks, they all are drying right now. oh well, i’ll have to put on the sheer hosiery looking socks instead of my plain cotton ones. but wait, i can’t wear my sneaker looking shoes with these socks. i gotta put the dressy shoes on. this legware now requires an appropriate clothing to match. so i put on a nice shirt, and nice pants. obviously a face makeup has to follow this attire. i ring my friend’s doorbell. what happened? – she asks, - where are you going? i am just visiting you, - i reply, - but i washed all my socks.


наконец-то, мне удалось вырваться на долгожданный шопинг. полная радостью, я умудрилась найти штаны, которые мне понравились и даже подошли. конечно-же, это последняя пара (во всех размерах). я их меряю, покупаю, и сваливаю из магазина. на брюках шесть декоративных пуговиц. я приезжаю домой, открываю мешок – одной пуговицы не хватает. как печально. я не могу найти нужную пуговицу на интернете. мне будет очень проблематично ехать в этот магазин снова. что же делать? хорошо, давай-ка я попрошу маму поехать туда, попросить коробку с найденными пуговицами. но мама боится, она не думает, что ей там помогут, эти продавщицы будут с ней невежливы, и только расстроят ее. придется просить дорогого супруга, который живет по такому рассписанию, что лишний чих причиняет неудобство, поехать за этой пуговицей. он честно едет, но магазин закрывается, и ему говорят приехать опять. он едет повторно, его очаровывают мешком найденных пуговиц. он ищет – как много цветов, как много размеров. заинтересовавшаяся покупательница тоже становится помогать, продавщица пытается помогать. так много разных пуговиц.. они не находят пуговицу от моих брюк. муж приносит штаны домой. я смотрю на них, отрезаю все пуговицы, и пришиваю четыре из них назад. это выглядит замечательно. это выглядит абсолютно не хуже, чем те шесть пуговиц, с которыми начался этот рассказ.

я живу в общежитии. я стираю крайне редко. сегодня моему грязному белью посчастливилось. я кидаю стирку в машину. теперь я пойду навестить подругу. секунда, что же я одену? у меня нет ни пары чистых носков – они все в машине. чтоже, придется одеть прозрачные гольфы вместо простых хлопковых носков. но как же я одену мои каждодневные удобные туфли с этими носками? придется одеть нарядные. этот ножной наряд теперь требует соответственной одежды. я одеваю красивую кофту и брюки. конечно же, лицо надо накрасить соответственно. я звоню подруге в дверь. что случилось? –спрашивает она, - куда ты направляешься? я просто зашла к тебе, - отвечаю я, - но я постирала все носки.

haunt

i am a joke in your eyes. i am an idiot in everybody’s eyes. why did i let you do that to me? why did i let you in? did you really think i was not going to be loyal? you betrayed me. you say you are different, you believe you are different, i believe you are different, but i know you are the same. you are the same, i am the same, everything changes but the truth remains constant. i am a joke, i am an idiot. laugh at me.

outsider?

a group of loser-looking individuals perform strange to describe activities in a gated empty room. these maneuvers are supposed to wake up a musical instinct in your child. you are a parent who wants the best for your child, so you are willing to try it out. it does not matter how weird it looks to you. you hope your child sees it differently. you don’t want to give up something that’s widely accepted as educational for the children. you give the money in, you give the child in. yes, let’s do that, let’s try it out. you already gave up so many initiatives on yourself, you are bound to make up for it with your children.

i take dance classes, i take chess classes, i take fencing classes, i take sawing classes, i take jewish dance classes, i go swimming, i take english classes, i take classes at a gym, i take yoga classes. i feel foreign everywhere i do. it does not matter if i like the class, it does not matter if i do well. it does not matter how long i’ve been attending the class. it does not matter if i get to socialize with anyone in the class. i don’t belong there. i am an outsider.

ghosts

you dreadfully want to dial the number. the number is ingrained in your memory forever. the flock of tiny needles randomly sting you in the chest. what are you going to say? who are you going to speak with? is anyone there? do you want to talk? do you need to hear? what can you really say, and who will understand it? can you do anything except ache? will you hear anything back? would it help you if you did? was there something you could do?

we live surrounded by ghosts. we love ghosts. we talk to ghosts. we live for ghosts. we get hurt by ghosts. ghosts judge us. ghosts hate us. ghosts love us.

every relationship creates a ghost. it does not need to end to produce a ghost. you don’t need to die to become a ghost.

i am your ghost but it is not me.


тебе невыносимо хочется набрать номер. этот номер высечен в твоей памяти навеки. стая крошечных иголок беспорядочно жалят твою грудь. о чем ты будешь говорить? с кем ты будешь говорить? там кто-то есть? ты хочешь говорить или тебе нужно слушать? что ты можешь сказать и кто это поймет? ты можешь делать что-то еще, кроме испытывания боли? ты услышишь что-то в ответ? тебе бы это помогло? у тебя была возможность что-то изменить?

мы живем среди призраков. мы любим призраков. мы говорим с призраками. мы живем для призраков. призраки нас ранят. призраки нас судят. призраки нас ненавидят. призраки нас любят.

каждая связь порождает призрака. она не должна закончится, чтобы создать призрака. тебе не надо умереть, чтобы стать призраком.

я - твой призрак, но это не я.

hibernation

i am pregnant. i am so tired and sleepy. these two happy organisms inside the stomach are sucking on my energy. i can’t really breathe well when i lay down, so i can’t sleep much even when i try. i guess that is the natural way of the body to prepare to the nonstop feeding-burping-changing marathon. everybody seem to survive it, so i am sure i’d manage it somehow even with my child-like 8 hour need of sleep. i wished for this so much, i’ll be just fine.

the coworker of mine said something very profound – she said that in order to successfully manage all these postpartum issues you have to have two qualities:
- you can’t be a control freak
- you should not require much of sleep
did i quote it to you already? anyone pregnant?

sometimes we wish to be camels, sometimes we wish to be bears..


there is a survey at the bottom of the page again, so please vote by picking the option you relate the most to. hurting my feelings is always welcome.

virtual friends

i grew up reading books about real friendship. friends was the most important subject from day one of my self-aware existence. there always were two types of potential friends – friends i can attempt to get, and unreachable friends. sometimes i would win over even the ones in second category because of my loyal and truly interested in them personality. i always had good friends, yet somehow i always felt understanding them more than being understood by them. was there nothing to understand? was i that weird and tough to understand? not really. my only weirdness was digging too deep. nobody else had the interest and the desire to do that. still, it truly felt like having friends.

what when the friends become virtual friends, how does that work? well, obviously only real friends remain in that category for long-term. but what do you do with them? you can’t go out for coffee, you can’t visit each other, you can’t do anything friends do. you can’t even really talk on the phone because the time zones are different, and it’s generally not very convenient. the knowledge of their existence comforts you, and you really enjoy each other company on the very rare moments you meet . but you can’t shortly formulate to them what it is there in your soul on these instantaneous events. and do you want to? do you need to? are you still able to?

true love

have you ever experienced true love? i bet you did. for a moment, for a month, for a number of years. you completed each other sentences, you cutely disagreed on everything, you enjoyed spending time together, you could not wait to get in bed with each other, you masochistically suffered from unanswered feelings, you yelled at your partner endlessly – whatever the definition is for you – you’ve had it.

what happened? did you get bored? did the constant scene of your partner cooking, cleaning, and yelling at your children pretty much eliminated any romantic feelings? did you cheat or found out you were cheated on? did the absence of money and all the responsibilities kill it for you? did you discover separate interests and grew separate paths? did you notice a sickening irritation at everything your partner does? did you develop sense of being a secondary person in your family? did you realize that you can’t depend on your partner at all?

are you still in love? despite all that?



and this one is from travelzoo - https://www.ovationtix.com/trs/cal/2732 promo code trav1

inner peace

my friend is getting married. she is one of the first, the subject is unfamiliar and extremely important. do you really love this guy? - i ask. her answer is unexpected – i don’t think i am capable of this intense “loose myself in someone” love, you are talking about. i know i really like him, we get along great, i care for him, i respect him, it feels good to be together, and i think we’d have a good marriage. wow, i am speechless. here i am with no boyfriends, no dating prospects, and i can’t think the way she does. i can’t even enter a relationship that does not start with that mad love in the 1st place. she is so pretty and popular, and she is willing to give up the possibility of finding the love i am dreaming about. and she feels perfectly good about that. she already has her inner peace, she is not looking for anyone to complete anything for her. she is going to enjoy her life with the guy she loves being with, and i know it will work out perfect for her.


looks like yesterday’s post title was taken very literally. yes, i am not taken lightly. i like that. goes well with being subjected watching this planet terror movie that i surprisingly liked. you would too if you like kill bill.

no comments

this blog proudly survived a week of close circle publicity. you read it because you’re surprisingly interested in me and because you are interested in yourself, and you see that you and i are somewhat similar. well, we are related so we gotta be similar (friends and significant others are mentally related too so don’t feel left out). i like this voting gadget, this little tool is going to be my friend. maybe it’s not accurate at all, maybe it randomly shows headcount and results to make me feel delusional about my own popularity (nobody got bored?!), but hey, let it be so. you come here, you read this kind of a delicate stuff, and it moves you a little bit. and you are willing to do something in return, so you vote. voting is easy. it’s not like adding a ..comment.

i don’t comment. why? i don’t necessarily want you to know that i read your post. why again? because sometimes denial is more comfortable, especially for face-to-face encounters. also maybe i am not ready, maybe i don’t have words for my thoughts yet. here you are blabbing to everybody about whatever it is you feel like posting today, and i have something to say. but i can’t. not today. i am not ready to have your audience reading my opinions. i am not willing to start this online public discussion with you about something i am not really feeling up to talking about. and, there is nothing to say. you posted what you wanted and i read it. and that’s as far as it goes.

dream job

i sent my resume to the circus. i got laid off, and i was whining about having gray unpurposeful job for a while there, so it was my chance to start over.

what do i really want is to be a travel agent. that’s what i do most of the time anyway, and i love it and i am good at it. the problem is – it does not pay much money unless you are so good that you get a clientele and your own agency. but ok, i am willing to start as a plain low level nobody and work my way in the business. but the economy is shit, nobody is hiring, and the very few posts for travel agent positions require sabre and job experience. come on, it would probably take me 1 hour to gain that, but nevertheless, back to square one – no experience means no job. and am i really willing to work so hard to get this job that would pay 30% of what i am used to?

so let’s try something else – how about getting a job writing the same boring code but querying some artsy data, not the $ amounts.. nobody is hiring code writers, that’s how i lost the job in the first place, remember? i am sending my resume to all these companies that ask for something i can do, and i get almost no responses, and the ones i do get are from the same giant life-wasting-in-the-cubical monstrosities i am trying to escape. “a message from joe karcich – do you attend two huddle meetings a month? – if not, ask your supervisor” – what the hell is that?

so how about i stop doing the part of code writing i hate and learn deeper the part i actually like, how about i get certified in that part and then search for jobs doing this specific thing? how about i keep sending and sending my resume until somewhat of an interesting firm wants to hire me? maybe it will work out ?

sharing

how do you act around a not so close to you person with whom you happened to share something very sacred and personal and who really took it to heart? this is similar to acting around the person with whom you had sex the first time. you don’t talk about it, and it makes you uncomfortable until the person becomes close to you.

what if it never happens? what if there is something in that person that just makes you want to open your heart to him and at the same time you can’t learn to act your normal social self around this person at other times? when you know that this person feels, knows, and understands you like no one has, and you love that but you also hate that. you feel the inquisitive eyes of this person on your heart and on your brain, and you don’t want to be analyzed, you just want to be loved. you try your best. you try to act normal, but he does not let you because he is so much about you that he can’t act normal around you even more than you can’t do it. so you try to make him leave you alone, you purposely hurt him so he would stop intruding into your heart. but he does not let you do that either, he is just stuck on you. you give up, you try again, but you really can’t have this other person to always be there, always know what you feel, and why you feel that. you want it but you can’t handle it. so you grow, you evolve, you let the time pass, and you hope that it will pass for this person too. and one day it does.. or maybe one day it will..

как ты ведешь себя с недостаточно близким тебе человеком, которому ты случвйно открыл что-то очень дорогое и личное, и кто взял это слишком близко к сердцу? это похоже на поведение с человеком, с которым ты первый раз переспал. ты не говоришь об этом, и это смущает и делает тебя неловким до тех пор, пока этот человек не становится тебе близким.

что, если это никогда не происходит? что, если в этом человеке сидит что-то, что тянет тебя открывать ему свое сердце, и в это же время ты не можешь научиться вести себя с этим человеком так, как ты ведешь себя в обществе? когда ты знаешь, что этот человек чувствует, знает и понимает тебя, как никто другой, и тебе нужно это, но в то же время ты это ненавидишь? ты чувствуешь пытливый назойливый взкляд на своем сердце и мыслях, но ты не хочешь анализа, ты хочешь просто любви. ты стараешься, как можешь. ты пытаешься вести себя нормально, но этот человек не дает тебе эту возможность, потому что он настолько поглощен тобой, что он не может вести себя с тобой адекватно еще больше, чем этого не можешь ты. тогда ты пытаешься заставить его оставить тебя в покое, ты намеренно приносишь ему боль, чтобы он перестал вторгаться в твое сердце. но он не дает тебе сделать и это, он просто заклинел на тебе. ты сдаешься, ты пробуешь опять, но ты просто не можешь иметь постоянно этого человека, всегда знающего, что ты чувствуешь и почему ты чувствуешь это. ты хочешь этого, но ты не можешь с этим справиться. ты растешь, ты меняешься, ты даешь времю идти, и ты надеешься, что когда нибудь это чувство пройдет и у этого человека. и в один день это происходит.. или может в один день это произойдет..

fat?

yes, my goal is to make you as uncomfortable as possible..

i am a fat girl. i can’t go to the ballet classes, i can’t go to the ballroom classes, i am too fat and too clumsy for that. i need to go to the folk dance classes so i can loose some weight and to be more graceful. “you are not fat, you are normal” – that means you are not too fat to me.

i developed this thin waistline when i was around 12. my upper body was great, even i knew that, and i had compliments. but the hatred for my legs superseded the likeness of my waist.

i used to wrap my legs in cellophane and run (that little idiotic jog was not running) because that was supposed to thin out the legs from the oxygen decrease. i put my legs together and looked down to check the amount of holes between the hips and the knees after each run. there were never any, just one big lump of fat. the more hate i developed towards my fatness, the more careless i got, and the more i ate, and the more i hated all that. i would try all kinds of diets, and of course the more i would starve myself, the more i wanted to eat later.

i was eating fatty foods because it was the cheapest, and because i did not have any nutritional education or desire to have one. come on, with the level of smoking i had, who cared about health. with the level of arrogance i had – who cared about weight, eat=fat, don’t eat=less fat, but still fat because of my fatty build

and then i was lying (not talking about that right now), stressing over every piece of lie i had to believe, and i was loosing weight. i needed suits, i needed skirts (what? me - skirts!!) and i looked in the mirrors in my new size 10 skirts and pantyhoses (what?!) and it was not me i was looking at. that was freaky. and then someone at work referred to me as the skinny girl. what was that again? me – skinny, that’s impossible, i wear size 10, but wait, it does look somewhat big, i am size 8 now. then more people called me skinny, and i got to size 6.

these people can’t tell i lost weight (that implies that the fat person became less fat) because they don’t know me from before. they just know me as who i look like now. and i want to be that.